We would all like to think that we pay good enough attention to our own life and reality on a daily basis. Yet, we do not. Why don't we? Well, for one thing, there are many of us who tend to pay attention to way too much that really doesn't legitimately matter in the bigger picture of our own lives. As a result, we miss a lot of what we SHOULD be paying fuller attention to during each 24 hour cycle of our own lives. Then you have those of us who pay super attention to that which only personally interests us; everything else is pretty much ignored or avoided. Third, we who are stuck in survival mode as our default way of functioning, we do not pay appropriate attention to much of anything outside of what we need to survive "today" or "this week" or "this month". It's just not on our radar. Lastly, we who find the stresses and strains of daily life too overwhelming, who needs to pay attention to anything other than our own need for a desired altered state of consciousness on demand?
Needless to say, the practice of cultivating mindfulness is not so easy and doesn't come so naturally to most of us. Today's blog post is about why mindfulness matters and why it works so well in teaching us how to function DAILY as our own best friend instead of our own worst enemy. Taken a step further, mindfulness teaches us how to collapse down our fear(s) to much smaller and more palatable pieces.
So how does becoming more mindful begin? The one way I like to explain it is by turning off your own autopilot-driven, checked-out, and/or avoidance-based methods of pursuing your own daily life. Instead, we need to practice STOP! RELAX! (which means regulating our nervous system on demand when we need to!) and then THINK! both before and during the time we choose to ACT (take action!) regarding whatever it is we are choosing to say and/or do. (Even the "act" of brushing your own teeth can be an exercise in mindfulness when you allow it to be!) Slowing yourself down to stop, relax, and think is it's own cultivated practice. It takes time to master. Speaking of teeth brushing, if you have ever "accidently" picked up the wrong tube off your bathroom shelf and used it's contents to brush your teeth---then you definitely are a candidate for learning how to practice mindfulness! :-P
Mindfulness isn't limited, however, to helping undiagnosed and untreated ADHDers to pick up the toothpaste instead of the Preparation H off their bathroom shelf. Without cultivating mindfulness, we can morph into highly dysfunctional human beings without any self-awareness as to how we got there...
Here's an example of that: Bud and Roxanne met playing pickleball. Bud was clearly taken with and interested in dating Roxanne after their first encounter. Roxanne was not adverse to seeing Bud socially since he appeared quick witted, funny, and self-confident. Since they began meeting up socially, however, Bud's behavior has mystified Roxanne. "He can be very nice and appropriate, but then he can also be extremely emotional and rude", states Roxanne. It all came to a head when Bud recently told Roxanne about a difficult past personal relationship which mattered a lot to him---and that involved a significant amount of intense trauma. Roxanne was confused by Bud's decision to share what he did as it was completely unsolicited...and it occurred while the two were driving back home together after a concert. "Once finished, Bud pressed Roxanne for her "opinion" about what he had shared. Beyond being extremely uncomfortable and upset by what Bud had shared...Roxanne managed to comment about the other person's need for intense psychiatric intervention and treatment. Instead of receiving Roxanne's comments graciously enough, Bud "blew up" as Roxanne put it. "He started yelling and telling me I didn't understand what he was talking about!" After the shock of watching Bud over react so strongly to her, Roxanne decided then and there she had enough. "I felt set up. I don't know if this was his own weird way of trying to reprocess his own traumatic past, but it sure wasn't o.k. to do it at my expense as a targeted and innocent bystander!" Roxanne was/is correct. Bud was clueless as to the dysfunctional pattern of behavior he had already established when sharing disturbing personal information about his history regarding people from his past. "As I was sitting watching him go red in the face as he was yelling at me, all I could think of was how badly HE needed intense psychiatric intervention and treatment." After that incident, Roxanne maintained her literal and figurative distance from Bud and found another spot to go play pickleball...
Needless to say, Bud has an issue with mindfulness. He lacks it. As in really truly and deeply lacks the ability to Stop! Relax! and Think! before he Acts! Roxanne and Bud are obviously no more, but Roxanne hopes Bud will think twice before he pulls a similar stunt on another unsuspecting target. "Before that incident about his past, he made it clear he preferred the company of women who agreed with him given the things he would say and do in a joking way", states Roxanne. "I gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking he was just literally joking around with me, but I learned the hard way that he wasn't." Right. A life without the practice of mindfulness is a life unexamined and that remains blissfully unaware (of reality!).
For all the talk about breathing better as an initial first act of intentional mindfulness and central nervous system regulation, how about this? How can you learn to breathe more deeply and more slowly if you are going 90 miles an hour every day and all day long for the past several years? That would be like trying to stop a train going full speed ahead on the track by holding up a sign which implores it to "Please slow down!" Not going to happen. Even though it is true that breathing more deeply and more slowly does help to regulate our own nervous system quickly enough...too many people claim they just can't do it. For those folks, I suggest that you go outside for at least 30 minutes each day (in decent enough weather of course!) and walk 15 minutes in one direction before turning around and walking 15 minutes back to where you started. Instead of listening to music or being on your phone as you walk, I suggest to just observe what you see, listen to what you hear, inhale what you smell, and feel whatever you feel. That's all. You will find that your breathing does slow down as you practice this and you do really start to breathe in and out more deeply. Funny how that works eh? Well...if you want to be mindful about it, before you start walking, figure out a spot where you want to walk and drive to it, park your car, and start your walk from there. I mean I'd much rather walk in a park than along a busy road. How about you?
If the walking appears to be "too much" as a start, then get a blanket, some sunscreen, your water bottle, and a book, to drive over to a local park or park land area...and lie on the blanket as you read for 30 minutes. Either way, being in nature and listening to its sounds for at least 30 minutes is the equivalent of taking an antidepressant medication.
When we STOP to RELAX and THINK about what it is we are planning or wanting to do and get done in any given day, week, or month....we begin the process of becoming more mindful. Do you really need to wait until you are starving in order to justify driving over to the nearest gas station or McDonald's in order to feed yourself? Stop! Yeah, like that! Be more mindful. Pay attention to what's best for you in any given day or moment of any given day. That's how you start.
Until next post....