When the Panic Comes...

People don't like to think about their experiences with unwelcome panic and anxiety.  Yet what do you do when profound feelings of dread, impending doom, and high anxiety suddenly crop up at some random time of your day or night?  Is what you are going through in those moments due to some purely physiological glitch in your own matrix?  Are you literally losing your mind?  Whatever may be driving that train, today's blog post is about what you can do when you don't know what else to do when your body and mind goes into a fight/flight/freeze response for no discernable reason(s).  

There is nothing worse than being asleep in the middle of the night...or being seated around the conference table during an important morning meeting at work...when you find yourself starting to believe and think "Oh no!  I can't have this happen to me now!  I'm going to lose it!  Keep focused on where I am right now!  I am o.k.  I am not dying!  It's just a feeling;  it will pass!" (or whatever else you start saying to yourself!)

When the panic comes....it can and usually does come in waves.  Waves such as being initially surprised by the feelings (because they are always surprising even if they've happened to you a 100 times or 1000 times before!)...and then imagining the worst possible catastrophic outcomes as a result of those feelings:  "I am dying and I don't want to die!" "I have to call 911 right now!" "I have to get the hell out of this room right now!"  "I'll be fired!"  "I'll be exposed as a nut job!" "If I leave where I am right now, I'll never come back!" etc. etc. etc.  Once we put ourselves through all those mental gymnastics, the next wave can involve becoming desperate to do or take "something" to immediately fix our problem.  

This is when we have to reel ourselves back into the reality of "now" and not do or take something that will cause us literal or figurative "further" harm.  So...what do we do?

First, we have to re-focus our thoughts and our behaviors on slowing down and more deeply breathing.  Yes, you already knew that and so did I, but it sure is amazing how easy it is to forget about our breathing when we feel intense anxiety and/or panic!  So---what works for you to help you breathe better in this type of situation?  Some people swear by the "4,7, 8" rule.  That means breathing in through your nose for a count of 4, then holding your breath for a count of 7, and then finally exhaling through your mouth for a count of 8.  And not like "1234!" breaths in through your nose---but "1, 1000, 2, 1000, 3, 1000, 4, 1000" breaths in through your nose...

Breathe six or fewer cycles of breath in-and-out within each minute of time.  When you can breathe in and out one cycle in ten seconds of time...do that six times each minute---and then repeat that pattern for at least 3-5 minutes...it will be physiologically impossible for you to remain "as panicked" as you were when you started breathing slowly and more deeply like this.  It's true.  Yay for that!

Beyond the breathing slowly and more deeply, some people also prefer to "flood" their senses with other soothing and calming inputs that promote the reduction of catastrophic beliefs, thoughts, and desires to act out in an inappropriate manner.  How do we do this?  Let's look at some options:

"Sight-based" inputs:    Looking at online images that bring you joy, comfort, and peace.  Images of the ocean at dawn or sunset, natural landscapes, animals, birds, butterflies, angels...whatever works for you.  If you have a television set in front of you, search for subject matter that most appeals to your sense of hope and wonder.  Others find that reading from inspirational and spiritual-based books like the Bible, Koran, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Daily Devotionals, etc. is most helpful in this regard.  This would not be the time to seek out imagery or reading materials that incite, disturb, or otherwise upset you.  Let your eyes see whatever they need to see to soothe, calm, and relax yourself from the inside out.  If you are at work, focus on something or someone in the room which you need to describe in excruciating detail to someone else as if that other person were blind.  

"Smell-based" inputs:  Do you have favorite scented candles you can light nearby to you...or a scented room spray...or a scented essential oil you can rub into your temples and/or inner wrists?  Lavendar is one fragrance that works to calm us down when agitated.  There are other scents that also work to achieve this purpose.  Figure that out if you haven't yet..so you can get over to TJ Maxx or Homegoods to find your fragrance and bring it home!  At work, this might be a bit of a challenge to pull off, but to excuse yourself to the bathroom to "spritz" yourself with your favorite fragrance or essential oil (travel size) may do the trick.

"Hearing-based" inputs:  When we are highly anxious and/or experiencing a panic attack, it helps when we can receive "interactive" input as we are trying to help ourselves calm down.  Have you ever asked Alexa or Siri "I am having a panic attack, what should I do?"  As you might imagine, both sources will point you to slower and deeper breathing and then asking yourself some logic-driven questions about your thoughts versus the reality of your present circumstances.  At work, you can literally practice a very quiet hum discernable to no one else but you.  The sound of one own's voice, no matter how faint, has a way of helping in this regard.  This works best when the room has several people in it and not just yourself and one other person.

Others have found that calling a 1-800 or 1-866 hotline number dedicated to mental health crises (such as high anxiety and/or a panic episode) is helpful.  The one you select is up to you.  Funny story;  a client called a hotline one night and got an automated voice message asking some demographic questions about his household.  He got so mad, he immediately felt less panicky!  Whatever works! ;-)

Of course asking Alexa or Siri to play a type of music known to calm and soothe even the most savage of beast (panic!) works.  Like "Soothing Classical Music" for one thing.  Try it.  It does work.  I am reminded of the time frame during my 30s when I played only classical music in my car when running errands.  I had forgotten how important that genre of music was in helping me to always remain cool, calm, and collected no matter what I was literally going through.

"Taste-based" inputs:  Anything you can taste which is extremely bitter, sour, "strong"...these are the things you would want to "taste" to get yourself back to the here and now and out of your own catastrophic thoughts!  Altoids breath mints....a mini bottle of hot sauce so you can administer a few drops on your tongue...biting into a lemon or lime wedge...a hard and super sour candy or "gum" (Warheads is one recommended brand as well as Fireball red hot hard candies).  These all work to get your taste buds stimulated to help you distract yourself away from that which is mentally tormenting you...

"Touch-based" inputs:  Oprah's favorite loungewear for 2023 were the "Softies" brand.  When you feel the fabric of a "Softie"..you understand how and why it became her favorite "touch-based" inputs for clothing.  It feels like a body-sized hug.  You can create the same effect with having on hand a throw blanket, a literal blanket, a stuffie (stuffed animal), or an oversized pillow that made from your favorite and most comforting fabric of choice.  Might be real fur...might be faux fur...might be satin...might be fleece...might be a favorite sweatshirt or pair of pajamas.  Find your "touch"-based input(s) and use them now when you need to wrap yourself up in that which relaxes you.  At work, a "fidget" in your pocket may be all you need to help soothe you in this way.

Prayer is powerful.  Don't forget about who you are as a child of God and the Universe we inhabit while we are here.  Prayer takes us out of ourselves and into the arms of He who created us.  Even if you have no idea "what" to pray, the shortest prayer ever still consists of the same four letters we've each uttered a billion times over since the dawn of mankind:  "Help!"

And when the "Help!" comes and we make it through to the other side of our anxiety and panic, we are grateful.

Until next post....

Codependent Much?

Everybody is codependent.  That's the first thing.  You may not realize it, but you are.  How do I know?  Ask yourself exactly "who" you can't live without? 

If you have even just one person in your life that you can't live without...you are codependent!  And believe me, confusing the codependent relationship lifestyle with "love" is a common mistake ALL codependent people make.  Love is not codependency.  Codependency is not love.  And this "revelation" dear reader....is just for starters.  Read on to find out how the codependent relationship lifestyle is a toxic killer of both your most important personal relationship(s)...and of your ability to genuinely "love bond" with your own chosen person(s)!

"Possessed" is a 1940s film starring Joan Crawford and Van Heflin.  For a film that old..it depicts how codependency can look like between a person who "can't live without" someone else---and that someone else who isn't all that invested in the relationship to begin with.  Never forget, "He who cares the least controls the most!"

While watching the film it becomes very apparent early on that the Van Heflin character likes playing around with lil 'ol Joan sexually speaking....but he's not interested in a long-term commitment with her.  Oh geez, why not she REALLY does love him!  Well, as he states in the film, he's really not cut out for marriage.  If she sticks around, great.  If not, no big deal to him.  There'll always be another bus passing by him and interested in entering his so-called love life sooner or later. 

Who has not experienced this type of relationship dynamic in their own life?  Has someone ever been "addicted" to you as a romantic interest and/or as a much wanted "official" boyfriend or girlfriend to you once you started dating?  If not, you have a lot to learn by reading today's blog post!  Not judging...just saying!  Sadly, too many people ignore the red flags and the signals of "Danger! Danger!" until they can notice whatever they need(ed) to in hindsight.

Until you have been the focus of someone's addiction (aka their chosen object of desire!), you will not understand what it feels like to have someone else up your nose like a rubber hose as often as he/she/they can insert themselves into your day-to-day life.  Of course, there will be those who are extremely flattered by such "devotion" and "loyalty" and "desire";  these folks are either first-timers to this type of "bonding" relationship dynamic---or they are seasoned professional (and malignant) narcissists.  No, I am not kidding! 

As first-time go rounders who have never before been the object of someone else's codependent ways, of COURSE it feels real good to have someone constantly telling you how great you are, how you are their "soulmate", their "gift from God", and whatever else they say or do to make you feel like you're the King or Queen of his/her/their lives---if you so choose to be!  

The feelings that accompany such flattery and focus can be truly intoxicating to a first-timer who is clueless to the differences between genuine "love bonding" and toxic "codependent bonding".  In fact, I would venture to say that the VAST majority of divorces, estranged relationships, and other forms of relationship bust-ups have to do with THIS issue of who was addicted to who first---and then what happened to him/her/them as a couple over time.  

After all, nobody is taught to comfortably serve another when they have become more comfortable with being served by another!  In the codependent flip-flop dance of relationships...a person can start out treating you like a King or a Queen.  Then when you give yourself over to them (be it in marriage, or sexually, or agreeing to opening a business with them, etc. etc.), the script between you two can flip suddenly and without any explanation(s) attached.  "We started out so well and she was truly a lovely person who showered me with acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts!  I couldn't believe I finally found her as and how I did.  But once I married her, I never knew a woman who could be so angry, so explosive, so needy!  It was like she changed her entire personality once we got married!"  Yeah well...don't say this post doesn't serve as a warning if you happen to be riding in that boat right now...

When a person is "into" being the object of someone else's addiction (plan the work, then work the plan!) ..they genuinely DO like it like that and work it like that!  The end-game goal(s) of malignant narcissists may not be clear or even identifiable for a very long time...but it's always there.  I've heard it hundreds of times in sessions over the past 20 years.  "I just wanted to have kids...so I married him!" "I knew what I wanted out of her and her family...and I got it!" "I just needed a beard;  who is going to question a man like me when I am married to a successful nurse with a great reputation in our community?"  "His father told me I could work at his company and climb the corporate ladder if I "stuck around" and remained connected to his son.."  Wow.  Okay then!  You see what I mean?  Malignant narcissists don't play.  They know what they want...and how to go about getting it.  Collateral damage is of no interest to the malignant narcissist.  "As long as I'm good...that's all that really matters here!"  He/she/they knows what is wanted but can only be gained through their certain relationships of choice.  A very simple example would be the alcoholic who chases after the daughter of a liquor store magnate.  Or a woman who agrees to marry a man whose wife just died and left him with three kids under the age of six...and a multi-million dollar payout from a massive life insurance policy.  

This is a hard topic to read about, let alone comprehend fully.  In truth, the most beautiful type of relationships in life (love-bonded and yet interdependent!) are extremely challenging and involve a tremendous amount of hard work to achieve!  Think about that.  It is easier to operate under the guise of being and feeling "addicted" to someone else than it is to treat them as an authentic EQUAL and with genuine RESPECT in relation to ourselves!  That level of  fundamental equality and respect needs to be experienced and flowing back and forth between both parties--not just one way!  

This reality is highly disturbing to face for the "people addict" who can't see past his/her/their own nose when it comes to the formation of their own important-enough relationships.  "Oh look!  There is she is!  My future best friend!  My future soulmate!  My future indentured servant!  The future father of my children!" "My future business partner!"  "My future caregiver when I get too old to care for myself!"  Blah-de-blah-blah-BLAH!  We just can't help it!  We are so codependent by nature as human beings....we don't even know what any of this all means until we get into therapy or start reading books or join an Alanon and/or Codependents Anonymous group before we wake up to ourselves!

Now...let's talk about grandparents and their grandchildren.  Newsflash:  there are grandmas and grandpas, nonos and nonas, mawmaws and pawpaws...who are genuinely "addicted" to one or more of their grandkids.  This isn't good.  What do you think it will teach your grandchild(ren) over time as they grow older?  Oh yes, that's right!  It teaches them to be the 2.0 version of codependent as they grow into adulthood themselves!  Remember the saying, "You don't teach someone else to comfortably serve another when they have become more comfortable being served by another..."  Never forget that...because it IS the truth!

Until next post, which will be a continuation on this topic of "Codependent Much?"

When Your Life Is Traumatizing...Now!

Have you thought about how your life, right now, may be being infiltrated by traumatizing events?  Believe me, when we are "in it" so to speak, it can be extremely difficult to recognize the impact primary and secondary trauma has in our own everyday life.  I know I have personally experienced this myself in recent weeks, and I have been a practicing LLP psychologist for 20 years!  So...even when we are highly self-aware, we can overlook the obvious in this regard.  Today's post is about taking a long-enough look at your own current circumstances to see if your life is traumatizing now---and what can be done to successfully move past it without getting stuck...

Here's an example:  everyone comes from somewhere.  In fact, you may still live in the same city/township/rural area that you were raised in.  Or, you may have moved once or twice within your same metropolitan area.  Perhaps you moved several times across one or more states.  For others still, transatlantic moves may have been a part of  your personal history.  Whatever the case, the whole experience of "moving" and changing residences can range from "not at all traumatic" to "severely traumatic" depending on the circumstance(s) that led to it/them.  I can recall one young man who became very angry and embittered towards his parents after he realized that "moving six times" during his formative years had deeply traumatized him across several areas of functioning.  "I was always having to say goodbye to friends....I would get comfortable in my new house and school and then suddenly we had to pack up and leave again...My parents didn't at all consider us kids and what we needed, it was all about his job.." etc. etc.  By the time this young man got married, he was barely speaking to either of his parents.  It wasn't until the birth of he and his wife's first child that he managed to re-think his attitudes towards his father's former career, now that his father was retired.  "Even though I hated moving and was repeatedly traumatized by the process, I better understand now that my parents didn't have much choice given what my father did for his living."  "When I finally went to therapy, it was my therapist who reminded me that carrying all that bitterness around inside me was continuing to traumatize me until I was able to move past my past."  No doubt.

I am reminded next of an old former colleague of mine who met her first husband in high school.  He had a tumultuous family life, something he and his girlfriend avoided talking about when they began dating during their sophomore year.  By the time he died from a heart attack on a local golf course, he had blown through two more marriages and had several children by several different women, not all of whom he married.  My former colleague never remarried, and decided to remain living in the house she was raised in.  She is now 72 years old.  All of this man's children, including their daughter, are grown with their own families.  The last time we spoke and I asked her what was new, her answer was not unexpected, "Same sh**, different day."  Past trauma(s)  have a way of keeping us stuck in our fear and worry...especially when our lives keep us feeling "stuck" in the present as well.  Change may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's an important-enough ingredient when we need to un-stick ourselves from that which still plagues us.

For people who work with trauma by choice, such as Emergency medical professionals, Medical Examiners, Morticians, Firefighters, Mental Health Clinicians, Social Services Providers, etc....we all face some form or another of trauma every time we go into work on any given day or evening.  We never know what will traumatize us as a result of our involvement with any given patient or family system.  I know of several individuals who ended up quitting their jobs within the health and human services professions because they just couldn't consistently manage their own response(s) to the past or present-day traumas of their patients/clients anymore. 

I have watched people live...and die...not having reprocessed their past pain from traumatic life events.  That's a sad reality that we rarely talk about.  Even at the deathbeds of some of my former clients, I have heard things like "I can never be forgiven for..." or "Nobody has ever loved me anyway because.."  It's just so beyond sad how easy it is to make ourselves feel worse than we already do!

To turn ourselves around, we have to be open to deep-diving into our perception of ourselves and identify what we are believing that works completely against our status as a child of God, created for a purpose, and acceptable to be here.  That isn't an easy job when we have convinced ourselves that we are lower than dirt because of all the traumatic events we have experienced going back perhaps to our own infancy.  Yet no matter what we went through that we don't even consciously recall, it sure isn't going to help us to keep traumatizing ourselves, in our present lives, because of what we did or didn't do in the past.

A licensed and qualified therapist can help you move from being stuck in your past trauma and present pain by helping you to reprocess it and move past it.  It is possible.  As a result, we learn how to slow ourselves down and prevent ourselves from falling into the same holes of shame, self-condemnation, guilt, and anger repeatedly.  

It's time to move past your past and stop the pattern of continuing to traumatize yourself now...and in the new year of 2024 ahead.  You can do it.  I know you can.

Until next post...