Preparing For What We Don't Want To Prepare For....

I have had several conversations in recent years about elderly relatives who are losing their ability to function independently.  I think I've heard every conceivable story there is to relay.  The 85year-old father who refuses to stop driving, but who also keeps forgetting where he's headed once he is behind the wheel.  The mom who hardly drinks fluids because "I'm not thirsty!"....yet has had an ongoing incontinence issue for years.  The aunt who prefers carry out in recent months because she can't open a jar, bottle, or can without someone else doing it for her.  I could go on but I think you get the picture.  When we have someone in our lives who keeps saying "I can do it!" when our eyeballs keeping telling us  "No you can't!", we are now being placed into the position nobody looks forward to:  preparing for what we don't want to prepare for.

America is a funny place to live.  We glorify individual freedom above all else in light of those individuals who are no longer capable of pursuing their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living).  Friends would often ask me, as a psychotherapist, "when" it was time to consider alternate housing and/or live-in care for their elderly relation(s).  The initial lynchpin issue revolving around the answer to that question is, in fact, one's ADLs.  (There is a second issue as well, but we'll talk about that later!)  If a person can't get themselves up and out of bed each morning, go to the bathroom and use it, wash their own face, brush their own teeth, get dressed, prepare their own meals and eat them....that's an obvious problem.  However, elderly people don't typically just "stop" being able to pursue their own ADLs all at once.  It, instead, typically happens in various degrees and doses of loss.  Some people find that they can't open jars, or bottles, or cans like they once used to....so instead of telling someone about it...they just eat less or order carry out more often.  Others will stop drinking fluids not because they are suddenly "not thirsty" anymore, but because they are sick of drinking something (anything!) and being incontinent and unable to make it to the bathroom on time.  ADLs are one thing and something every adult child of an elderly person can watch for negative changes.  In so many cases, accompanying one's relative to their PCP (primary care physician) and talking about the issue(s) with the PCP and elderly relative both present can lead to viable solutions and/or resolutions (like those for chronic incontinence, hand strength and grip, ability to walk, get up and down, or bend, etc.).  In some cases, the solution(s) may be quite simple i.e. an automatic jar and/or can opener!

Next, when it comes to an elderly person's mental faculties and changes that may occur there, this can be an even more difficult road to face----let alone navigate---as adult children.  I mean, what do you do with a mother or father who keeps asking you the same questions every day or every week in spite of you explaining and presenting the same answers every day and every week?!  Yes, I am talking about dementia in all its forms...as well as the dreaded "A" word:  Alzheimer's.

I remember one woman who got into her car and forgot where she was going, but made it to a phone to call her daughter and ask "Where was I going just now?"  On the way back, this same woman rear-ended someone at a red light.  Sometimes our "Uh oh!" moments as adult children are obvious and do not require any lag time between what we noticed and taking appropriate action.  But for so many others, nothing is done until the BIG "UH OH!" moment occurs and mother just walked out naked onto 8 Mile from her condo....or Uncle Billy just gave $150,000 to some random woman as a birthday gift!

Complicating any adult child's ability to move in an appropriate direction on an elder relative's behalf are the other adult children within the family system.  I have seen brothers and sisters go to war;  I've also seen brothers and sisters do a whole lot of talking yet a whole lot of actionable nothing;  I've also seen brothers and sisters pretend everything was fine when clearly things were not.  Let me just say here that whomever lives the closest to mom or dad or Uncle Billy is usually the one who is in the best position to "do" for them and their own best interests day-to-day.  A sister in Texas is pretty much useless to her mom when compared to the brother who lives around the corner from mom.  I am not suggesting here that the closest living adult child should "do" all the work of caring for the elderly relative(s) who live(s) closest by;  what I am saying is that he or she can certainly get more accomplished on behalf of an elderly relation than those who are hundreds or thousands of miles away (literally or figuratively speaking!).  In this type of situation, designating someone within the family to have medical power of attorney resolves this issue before one pops up and requires action. 

Not every elderly person who ends up leaving their home for assisted living or nursing home care has done so by choice.  Rather, the vast majority have been "forced" out because (1) they fell and broke something and now went from the hospital...to the rehab...and then to "somewhere else" other than their own home, (2) a medical emergency occurred inside the home and when the appropriate authorities got involved, the home was recognized as uninhabitable, and/or (3) a "very bad thing" occurred that drew attention to the person's obvious need for new living arrangements (set the house on fire, started digging up their property at 3:00AM, walked outside nude, was caring for 300 cats, etc.). 

Preparing for what we don't want to prepare for is no fun.  But fighting and arguing with each other (be these others our siblings, our partners, our kids, or our other "older" adult relatives) about "what to do about mom" isn't going to get anyone anywhere good.  Without making any definitive and proactive decisions, everyone IS forced to wait for the big "UH OH!" moment to occur which forces immediate action.  Some of us are very comfortable with this and have no problem waiting;  others are beyond their wits end worrying constantly about various and assorted "what if" scenarios:  "What if...(she kills someone while driving!)" "What if...(he is at the mall by himself and just forgets everything period?!)" "What if...(she gambles away every penny at Motor City!?)"

Communicating openly and without drama about these difficult conversations involving elderly relations can occur;  that's why I'm here to help.  You don't have to call 857-6309...but you can call me.  Until we meet the next time....






 

About Addiction....

 I fought the urge for as long as possible, but I finally relented this past week.  "Lindsay" debuted on the OWN network earlier this year;  it is a relatively short reality series about Lindsay Lohan.  For those of you who don't know who Lindsay Lohan is...she is basically her generation's example of Elizabeth Taylor and Drew Barrymore.  She started her professional acting career as a child and, IMHO, is a very talented actor.  However, once she moved to Los Angeles from New York as an eighteen year old, things went downhill for Lindsay pretty quickly.  Caught up in all sorts of inappropriate behaviors involving "whatever" and "whomever", Lindsay has served as tabloid fodder for the last nine or ten years.  Then Oprah came along and gave her a chance to redeem herself through this new series.  As I just mentioned, I resisted the temptation to watch the series for months.  My initial feeling was that Lindsay and Oprah were exploiting the he** out of each other in the name of Linday's own "recovery".  Then I watched the series.

Now that I've watched every episode, I have been sorely reminded of how objectification and mutual exploitation IS the name of the game in all things celebrity.  I felt especially bad for Lindsay when she was asked to introduce Miley Cyrus at the sold-out 15,000 seat Jingle Ball (held at Madison Square Garden).  Claiming it was an unpaid gig for Lindsay, she spent all kinds of time getting ready for the event (hair, makeup, wardrobe).  She chose a glittered-up oversized tee shirt that had printed on the front of it "Same Old Chic".  It was obvious the fans who came to see Miley were, in fact, teenagers.  Lindsay had requested that Miley speak to her on camera about Lindsay's introduction (of Miley) before the show.  Miley didn't respond to Lindsay's tweets or texts.  I don't know why, but I thought this introduction must be something pretty "big" if Lindsay required an on-camera confab before she or Miley did their thing.  In the end, Lindsay's introduction was short, extremely self-depreciating, and glorified Miley's own "bad girl" behavior.  In case you didn't know...Miley has been on tour in recent months.  A friend of a friend allowed her pre-teen daughter to go to the concert when it was here in Detroit.  As part of Miley's "act", she simulates performing fellatio on male characters dressed as Abraham Lincoln and Bill Clinton.  Yeah, just what I'd want my own pre-teen daughter to witness.  For those who are seriously dense enough to believe that Miley is still "Hanna Montana", get over it now puleeze!  She's her generation's example of what objectification and mutual exploitation can do to a kid raised in the entertainment industry.  (I just had a deja vu moment there!  No wonder Lindsay was asked to introduce her! ;-))  As soon as Lindsay finished her introduction, she left the premises.  There were so many moments of hoped for and actual mutual exploitation just as part of this "one" incident...I no longer wondered why Lindsay has struggled with addictions for however many years she has.

How can I make such a statement?  For one thing, Linday's former "sober coach" said it best while discussing addiction on camera.  To paraphrase, he described how active addicts are constantly concerned with "How am I feeling?  How am I doing?  Am I comfortable right now?  What do I need to feel good right now?  Am I o.k.?" blah blah blah.  No wonder Lindsay has struggled as she has!  I don't know about you, but being treated like a commodity/object/thang day in and day out since childhood would mess with anyone's thinking about everything.  Yet I wonder how long it will take for Lindsay to realize that her profession is just her "job"...and NOT her entire life. Trying to be and remain sober in light of friends who drink and do drugs in front of her during her "private time"---but yet firing a new assistant for having a glass of wine in front of her during her "career time" (???!?!?!?!).  The series presented many unfortunate additional examples of Lindsay using and being used by others besides those just mentioned here.  Objectification of oneself and others on top of this constant exchange of "What can you do for me...and this is what I'll do for you!" is no doubt a mind-numbing experience.  Remember all those times I have discussed codependency on this blog? HELLO!  This is what it looks like among celebrities and their "peeps" among their "fans" among their "handlers" and anyone else associated with them.  It is clear to me that many would believe that the only way to "feel good quick" in light of all this chaos would be artificially induced.  It was mentioned at some point that back when Lindsay was nineteen years old, she was earning $7M per film.  Last time I checked, there was never a U-Haul attached to the back of anyone's hearse in the history of mankind....

I don't know what the future holds for Lindsay.  What I do know is that the successful and long-term practice of sobriety cannot involve any on-again and off-again flirts with disaster in whatever forms they take.  People are not objects.  People have not been designed to use and be used by one another all day every day.  We are called to love people and use things...not the other way around.  And when who we surround ourselves with others who don't understand this truth, it's time to change both our playmates and our playgrounds;  it's that simple.

Have a  great week!







 

It Really Isn't About You....

Several years ago, I remember a client who was frightened to death at the thought of telling her own mother that she had been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer.  At the time, I was initially confused as to why my client was more concerned about her mother's reaction than her own recovery process.  She would say things to me like "Oh, the news will kill her", "Her heart won't be able to take it", etc. etc.  Believe me, I knew something deep down was rotten in Denmark---but I kept encouraging my client to share the news with her mother anyway.  When she finally did, my client said something to me that I will never forget.  She said "You knew she would react this way all along didn't you Mary?" before she even told me how her mother reacted.  My response was "Well, if she said "How could this happen to me?!", you're right---I did know.  Thankfully, my client not only recovered from her diagnosis but was eventually set free from the tyranny of her narcissistic mother.

Without getting too clinical here, narcissists view life and relationships through a couple of lenses.  The first has to do with "How is this about me!?" and the second is "How can I make sure you know this is about me?"  One of the great jokes about narcissism has to do with the lion who struts through the jungle asking each animal in turn who, indeed, is king of the jungle.  "You are sir!" answers the monkey, the giraffe, the rhino, and the peacock.  When the lion asks the elephant who is king of the jungle, the elephant responds by wrapping its trunk around the lion's belly, picking it up, and tossing it hard against the nearest tree.  The lion's response?  "You don't have to get so sore just because you don't know the answer!"  That's a narcissist for you....

When it comes to parents and their children (like my client mentioned earlier in this post), it is very difficult to navigate even a halfway decent relationship with a narcissistic parent.  No matter what goes on, everything manages to circle around back to how "the thing" (whatever "it" is!) is affecting the narcissistic parent.  Calling it selfish doesn't even begin to cover it;  these folks are willing to throw others under the bus in the name of "It Really Isn't About You...But ME!!" all day every day.  One of the classic books on the topic is entitled "Malignant Self-Love"...but IMHO "love" has very little to do with the deep motives underlying narcissistic behavior.  Instead, I believe that narcissists are more like hardcore survivalists along with their borderline, histrionic, and sociopathic brethren.  They don't want to be or become aware of who they have damaged by their own actions...but they also don't care.  Otherwise, they would be motivated to stop.  And yet they don't.  Because they can't.

The reason why I kept encouraging my client to tell her mother about her own cancer diagnosis had to do more with boundary setting than anything else.  Unless a narcissist gets into treatment and works at their own recovery, they'll only get worse with the passage of time.  Yes, you read that right.  Nobody "gets" better when it comes to mental health issues just because time has passed us all by.  Until we are able to set limits and boundaries on the inappropriate behavior we are not willing to put up with anymore, the narcissists in our lives will just keep on keeping on.  Probably the best narcissistic one-liner I was made aware of just recently had to do with someone who didn't show up at a family event due to illness.  The self-appointed patriarch of that family commented, "He's not here because of me."  Unless that patriarch spread the virus to his male relative who was ill, that patriarch, my friends, was a flaming narcissist.  Kudos to the male relative who ended up calling his uncle to let him know that "My illness really wasn't about you at all Unc...but if you want to talk about how we can improve our relationship, let's do it."  That's what I'm talking about.  Even narcissists have ears that sometimes connect what is heard to their minds and hearts...

When a narcissist gets its about humility and gratitude for each day as it comes, recovery is possible.  When a narcissist gets it about empathy and compassion for how "the other guy" feels, recovery is possible.  When a narcissist gets it about "It Really Isn't About ME....but ALL of us!", recovery is certainly is possible.  Until we meet again...






 

When What's Yours is Mine and What's Mine is Mine....

I think by now I've heard enough stories and seen enough people to know that there's quite a codependent crisis going on when it comes to money.  In the old days, people generally understood that if you wanted to eat---you had to work.  Period.  Britney Spears even wrote a song about this issue;  the opening line is "You want a hot body..you want a Bugatti..you want a Maserati..you gotta work bi**h!"  Unfortunately, not everyone wants to work bi**h because they have got all caught up in a "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" mentality.

Kane West also wrote a song about this issue some years back;  I find the song "Gold digger" especially humorous as it was written long before he met Kim Kardashian and had her baby.  Needless to say, we all understand that there are enough of us in the world who try to get something for nothing from whomever we can find;  instead of living la bella vita (the beautiful life)--we end up living la vida loca (the crazy life).  Please allow me to explain....

With every year I do my job, I am still amazed at how many of us will use whatever money we have as if it's a bonus check to blow on whatever comes to mind.  I recently found out that the average and "recreational" pot smoker spends about $75.00 a week in order to smoke on average one joint per day (seven joints).  I don't know about you, but I am hard pressed to think of anyone who smokes weed who can also limit themselves to one joint a day (or night)...let alone when the weekend comes.  Yet, even with this "understated" financial example, $300.00 a month would be out the door to support a recreational habit that doesn't include any Red Bull, Starbucks, chips, candy, or other edibles. 

As another option, those who like to hit the casino generally spend between $100-300 per visit.  This from the American Gaming Association (AGA) survey conducted each year out of Las Vegas.  Now I don't know about you...but I am aware of many of my friend's parents who go multiple times each week over to Motor City and/or Greektown to play the slots.  Even if I cut that number in half, spending $50 on gaming two, three, or four times a week sure adds up. 

Ironically, a survey of the top ten things Americans waste the most money on had little to do with weed or gambling when compared to the #1 vice.  Can you guess what we spend the most of our money on?  "Food away from home."  Yikes. 

Needless to say, in our "give it to me now" culture---we sure need a lot of money in order to have what we think we "need" on any given day, week, month, or year.  The problem arises when we believe that others "owe" us a good moment---a good day---or a good life.  This is what we call in the biz irrational thinking.  Yet as long as we remain codependently enmeshed with our kids...or our siblings...or our parents...or our best friends...or our partner---we will still continue to give (too much) or take (too much) which of course is going to include all things financial. 

What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine is a scary way to live and function.  Bad habits can be broken.  Awareness is the first step towards freedom.  So now you know.  Until next time....

Quit Transmitting and Start Transforming...Part II

Last post, I talked about how easy it is for us to transmit the pain from our past or present to others without being aware of it.  I remember one holiday many years ago when an extended family member went off on me verbally because I invited her to an event involving one of her houseguests at the time.  As she was yelling at me about "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH!"---I remember looking around at everyone else nearby us to (a) make sure I wasn't hallucinating the tirade, (b) to see if someone noticed what she was doing, and (c) to prepare myself for my inevitable response which I knew MUST happen as soon as she stopped screaming.  Once she did stop, I looked at her directly and said, "Can you please tell me why you were yelling at me like that just now?"  I know she didn't expect this from me, especially since I spoke in my t.v. voice (aka cool, calm, and controlled)!  When all was said and done, she basically communicated that she was angry because she didn't want anyone making plans with her houseguests without her "knowing" ahead of time what was being planned.  Okay.  Fine.  Whatever.  That still didn't excuse her disrespecting me in the way she did by transmitting her pain to me in the way she had.  Although she didn't change much towards me until the day she passed on from this world and into the next, I certainly did.  As I learned to practice speaking up for myself in a "t.v. voice" manner when offended, it helped ME to be and become a better person over time.  That's the irony of trasmitting pain versus being transformed by it.  She transmitted it...I was on the receiving end of it...but I didn't allow "it" (her pain) to transform me into a fellow transmitter (of pain) onto others.  Instead, I kept practicing "sticking up for myself" when hurt, angered, or afraid...but while also maintaining my own sense of integrity, dignity, and grace.

Practicing saying what you mean and meaning what you say in the heat of an offensive moment is not easy.  It is complicated by the fact that we may be thinking all sorts of "good responses" in our heads to our offender's remarks or actions...but our offender(s) CANNOT HEAR WHAT WE ARE THINKING.  We have to use our words.  We have to learn how to say "Are you aware that you are screaming at me right now?" or "Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding what just happened here, but I just saw you.....(insert offensive behavior here)" or "Can you repeat that please?" etc. etc. etc.  Unless you use your words to communicate that you have been offended and want to understand why so (hopefully!) it won't happen again anytime soon....you will fall into a cycle and a trap of your own making.  You will teach others that it is o.k. to offend you and/or ignore you and/or abuse you any time they feel like it...and similarly you will learn that it is o.k. for you to be offended, or ignored, and/or abused by others.   Sadly, you may also learn it is o.k. for YOU to offend, ignore, and/or abuse others when you feel like it!  Not unlike child abuse survivors who either grow up to abuse others or be abused by others, nothing will change if nothing will change.  YOU, at the very least, can be the change by practicing more assertive communication more often with everyone around you.  Nobody deserves to be treated like an object...or like dirt...or like a pain in the rear end....or like a punching bag.  Just because someone else is more about transmitting their pain to others than you believe you are, that does not mean it's o.k. for you to take it when they dish it.  Nor is it o.k. for you to transmit your pain because that's what someone else in your life has taught you or is teaching you now.  As an aside, many individuals who have been on the receiving end of offensive behaviors like to imagine that they said the right thing in the right moment when, in reality, they did not.  They just "thought it", but did not literally say it out loud.  Well, once again, nobody can hear what you are merely thinking...so in order to make sure you were assertive in responding to an offensive remark or action---you have to use your words "for real" and not just imagine you did!

Another complicating factor which inhibits our ability to speak the truth in a timely matter to our offenders is that many offenders in our lives are indeed chronic offenders.  And sometimes (many times!) we get tired of feeling like a broken record of presenting the same messages only on different days.  Whether mental illness, a personality disorder, and/or substance abuse is to blame for chronic offenders being chronic offenders...we still can't let anyone get away with being "nasty by nature" because their undies are in a twist.  Of course it is exhausting and tiresome and draining to keep "calling out" someone on their offensive behaviors when you may feel it's the same set of inappropriate behaviors they keep exhibiting over and over and over again in your presence.  But at this juncture, I'm not focused on them changing for the better.  That may be impossible without a lightening zap to the brain stem from God Himself.  I'm focused now on you being able to take care of yourself in spite of all the bullets being shot in your direction.  Communicating the truth in these moments is like being able to dodge and avoid getting "hit" by any given bullet.  When you can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when someone else is basically trying to take you down verbally...you DO feel better about yourself in the long run.  And when you feel better about your ability to say what you mean and mean what you say in a timely manner, you are demonstrating and developing within yourself both courage and strength.  Whether you choose to remain in a relationship with your chronic offender(s) is up to you;  however, you can STILL create and maintain your own boundaries even with the most offensive of chronic offenders.  One of the great books on this issue is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender.  It's an oldie, but a goodie and appropriate for anyone who struggles with the chronically offensive family member and/or friend.

My own parents were chronic offenders for the majority of their lives.  Both had suffered terribly in their own childhoods and both had no clue "how else" to be except as transmitters of pain.  For a long time, I just took what they dished out because I had no choice as a young child.  Imagine my shock and dismay the first time I was confronted for my own "transmitter" behaviors as a young adult.  We all have work to do.  We have all been (as I said in my last post!) victims of victims.  Until we can embrace our own "work in progress" status and focus on getting and being better in this area of our functioning---we won't.  We'll just stay as we are and suffer the consequences for it.  Don't forget next trip to your local library:  "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender.






 

Quit Transmitting and Start Transforming....

We are all victims of victims.  I wish it were different, but it's not.  Depending on who you are and when you felt you first lost your innocence, we have all been unfairly and unjustly traumatized and wounded by something, someone, or some series of somethings and someones from way back when.  I am reminded of all the clients who have sat in my office crying their hearts out over their siblings who beat them bloody and/or sexually abused them as children.  As a psychotherapist, I don't think we have even begun to skim the surface of that iceberg of pain and suffering at the hands of a once beloved sister or brother.  I've heard about fractured skulls, mouths and noses taped shut, broken arms and legs, and objects used to slice, dice, and violate in most every way imaginable.  How this happens shouldn't be so shocking as believing it doesn't or ever could.  Even though denial was originally designed as a shock absorber for the soul, what is a kid to do in the moment he or she realizes that their own flesh and blood is, in essence, an unpredictable monster?

It has been said that pain changes us.  Regardless of where it came from or when it started, this fact is certainly true.  How it changes us is up to each of us who has experienced it.  Without realizing it, those of us who are survivors of childhood abuse and/or neglect, it all too easy to use our pain as a communications tool.  I can remember as a kid being thrilled at the idea of telling some younger kids on our block that Santa wasn't real.  Not even seven or eight years old myself at the time, these children I told were a few years younger.  Why did I find it so exciting to share this information with the local innocents?  I had no idea then, but I do now.  I was transmitting my pain to them, plain and simple.  Taken a step further, I wanted to see for myself the change in their facial expressions and in their eyes when they truly believed what I was saying was true.  Like watching a light go out.

Pain is too easily transmitted in our culture these days.  People get divorced and put each other through holy hell and forget they have minor children who see and notice everything.  People smoke dope and do a little coke now and then believing that their young teenagers are clueless...because that's what they want to believe.  Married couples during family dinners discussing how they are deceiving and short-changing everyone around them as if their kids don't understand English.  As an aside, why do you think all these gory and out-of-control slasher, zombie, vampire, and whatever other mayhem films and t.v. series are as popular as they are circa 2014?  We are all getting way too used to unexpected and dramatic forms of pain and trauma.  Did you know that right around 1900 (before t.v. was even invented) to merely GO to a movie theatre was considered highly inappropriate for the general church-going public?  I'm not kidding.  And back then, the "behaviors" on screen that caused the largest uproar had to do with being inside saloons, carrying and using firearms to settle disputes, drinking, and with women present who were "dolled up" and obviously not real housewives.  How far we have come (?)  Now we can touch a button and watch a snuff film if we want to.  How is that progress you tell me?

I am reminded of how we transmit our pain to each other everytime I am in my car and suddenly someone zooms up from behind and starts gesturing like their backside is on fire and the nearest water source is 200 miles away.  When this happens, I check my odometer to make sure I am driving the speed limit (which I usually am if not a few miles above it)...and then I just keep driving.  Invariable Mr. or Ms. Pants on Fire zooms around and flips me off while doing so as if....???  As if they are in the business of transmitting their pain to others! 

Transmitting our painful past or present to other people is not really going to make us "better" people over time.  I tell clients it is like relieving oneself in the middle of someone else's living room and then saying "Ahhh, that felt good!" and leaving the house!  Saying and doing the wrong thing isn't the answer;  it never is.  Instead of focusing on transmitting our pain when we feel it, how about allowing that pain to transform us into better people?  What a concept?  Do you think that everyone who knows you REALLY wants to repeatedly and consistently hear about your aching back or your lazy son or what a lousy spouse you have?  No.  The answer is no.  Not every time you speak...not every time you need to transmit that pain in order to make yourself feel better fast....the answer is still no no no no no!  That's what we psychotherapists are for.  We can take it.  We'll listen to you....but we will also challenge you with the truth of what pain from where you are specifically transmitting and why.  Then we will give you viable options in moving away from this pattern of behavior and working to solve, resolve, and/or dissolve the core issues which caused your pain in the first place.  How about that?  And it's possible too.

Be transformed by your pain....and stop transmitting it for no good reason.  That's the lesson for all of us today.  Until next time....