In my work with trauma survivors, I have learned many valuable lessons about loss, grief, and resilience "in spite of". In spite of how quickly others expect us to move through our grief from beginning to end; in spite of how there is no understanding which makes sense when unimaginable horror is visited upon on us. And, sadly, in spite of our shock and disappointment at watching the world around us to continue on...as only it can and does...as if nothing has changed.
Surviving the unimaginable is not for cowards. That is a fact. This is especially true when our grief surrounding such profound loss(es) is complicated. It is one thing when our beloved parent or elderly relative passes from natural causes at a ripe old age; it is completely different when we wake up one morning to find out our best friend was murdered last night at the hands of her partner.
No one chooses to survive homicide, suicide, natural disasters, or any other catastrophic event. As the end goal of all grieving is to "accept" what has happened and move forward in one's own life, there could be no crueler joke. How can a young teenager accept that her father killed her mother in her presence...and then himself? How does a young man stop the intrusive images he doesn't want to remember ever again---let alone come to "accept" in some way? It makes no sense. Nothing makes sense. If there is a small "g" god or large "G" God...where was He/She/Them/It when such a nightmarish reality became our own? For those who have not or do not adopt a faith-based spiritual world view, it is already understood that (forgive the metaphor) a dirt sandwich is merely a dirt sandwich, period. No afterlife. No "reward" for being a good-enough servant to the cause in "Heaven". Does any of this make it easier to "accept" what has occurred? Of course not. We love who we love...and our hearts break when they are suddenly snatched away from us...and for the rest of our lives. Who can accept this type of horrific reality like a good soldier? Without being put in that position ourselves, we have no idea or clue...
Regarding adult survivors of complicated childhoods....so many do not recognize the full impact of their past history until they start falling apart in present day reality. Even though we all get dragged through the mud of whatever happened to us and when...it doesn't make much sense when we find ourselves falling apart emotionally or otherwise "losing it" over the smallest things. Things like having a meltdown at the airport because our plane will be late and our kid is starting to cough like it's his job. Adult tantruming, as one example, has always represented a signal that "something isn't right here"...but NOT with the situation surrounding the tantrum! Such individuals have typically had an axe to grind for a VERY long time...but have ALSO been consciously unaware of when that axe first showed up in their lives and why! The reverse is true also; individuals who are more "shut down" emotionally than appropriately engaged in right now and real life reality. For this second group, increased incidences of withdrawal and isolation indicate also that "something isn't right here"... Barring pre-existing mental health issues such as a major mood disorder or organicity (brain damage brought on by..???)----unexamined historical realities can leave their mark on the ways we live and behave "now".
For these folks, looking back at their past history with the assistance of a professional psychotherapist can help to identify and discover the important lessons that have been waiting there all along. Without becoming aware of these lessons, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that went unchecked back then. I can't tell you how many times I have had clients stare at me wide-eyed when they fully realize that the "myth" they created in their own mind about one or more close family members was just that: a myth!
I recall the 40-something man who first came in after finding out from his stepdad some things that his mother had said. "She said I had bone cancer in my leg as a kid! I never had cancer...why the hell would she lie like that?" Over time, this client felt freer to share his own memories of life at home growing up with his mom and dad. "She didn't meet my stepdad after my parents' divorce; I remember her taking me over to his house and sticking me in the basement while they were upstairs." Lessons here? "Mom" was pretty comfortable with bending the truth of her own life to suit her own white-washed version of it. As I continued to work with this client, he was able to come out of his own fog about "who" his mother truly was then...and is currently...so as to stop the cycle of dysfunction within his own family. "My kids have always been a little off after spending more than an hour alone with her", he shared. While working together like this, my client's mother suddenly passed from a fatal heart attack. Thankfully, he chose to remain in treatment as he worked through his complicated grief over her death. When he truly and deeply realized that he had no power or control over the choices she made in her lifetime, and how he truly had "nothing" to do with them, he felt better. "I get it how kids like to believe that they are the center of their parents' universe", he said, "..but it's another thing entirely to realize when you were not...and still aren't." No kidding.
Whether you are a survivor of a difficult childhood...or are currently surviving the unimaginable...help is available to you. If you are hesitant about contacting a psychotherapist, at the very least take a trip to your local library (or any public library!) and have the librarian direct you to the sections on surviving trauma, suicide, homicide, grief and loss...etc. Just being free to peruse the books there, on your own, can connect you to a resource that may end up helping you in one or more ways. If you feel stable enough to consider participation in a support group (Survivors of Homicide, Suicide...Grief Support...), there are many operating in every metropolitan area in this country.
Book recommendation: Surviving Survival by Laurence Gonzales. He has authored other books on trauma and resilience; definitely worth a read through.
Until next post...
Surviving the unimaginable is not for cowards. That is a fact. This is especially true when our grief surrounding such profound loss(es) is complicated. It is one thing when our beloved parent or elderly relative passes from natural causes at a ripe old age; it is completely different when we wake up one morning to find out our best friend was murdered last night at the hands of her partner.
No one chooses to survive homicide, suicide, natural disasters, or any other catastrophic event. As the end goal of all grieving is to "accept" what has happened and move forward in one's own life, there could be no crueler joke. How can a young teenager accept that her father killed her mother in her presence...and then himself? How does a young man stop the intrusive images he doesn't want to remember ever again---let alone come to "accept" in some way? It makes no sense. Nothing makes sense. If there is a small "g" god or large "G" God...where was He/She/Them/It when such a nightmarish reality became our own? For those who have not or do not adopt a faith-based spiritual world view, it is already understood that (forgive the metaphor) a dirt sandwich is merely a dirt sandwich, period. No afterlife. No "reward" for being a good-enough servant to the cause in "Heaven". Does any of this make it easier to "accept" what has occurred? Of course not. We love who we love...and our hearts break when they are suddenly snatched away from us...and for the rest of our lives. Who can accept this type of horrific reality like a good soldier? Without being put in that position ourselves, we have no idea or clue...
Regarding adult survivors of complicated childhoods....so many do not recognize the full impact of their past history until they start falling apart in present day reality. Even though we all get dragged through the mud of whatever happened to us and when...it doesn't make much sense when we find ourselves falling apart emotionally or otherwise "losing it" over the smallest things. Things like having a meltdown at the airport because our plane will be late and our kid is starting to cough like it's his job. Adult tantruming, as one example, has always represented a signal that "something isn't right here"...but NOT with the situation surrounding the tantrum! Such individuals have typically had an axe to grind for a VERY long time...but have ALSO been consciously unaware of when that axe first showed up in their lives and why! The reverse is true also; individuals who are more "shut down" emotionally than appropriately engaged in right now and real life reality. For this second group, increased incidences of withdrawal and isolation indicate also that "something isn't right here"... Barring pre-existing mental health issues such as a major mood disorder or organicity (brain damage brought on by..???)----unexamined historical realities can leave their mark on the ways we live and behave "now".
For these folks, looking back at their past history with the assistance of a professional psychotherapist can help to identify and discover the important lessons that have been waiting there all along. Without becoming aware of these lessons, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes that went unchecked back then. I can't tell you how many times I have had clients stare at me wide-eyed when they fully realize that the "myth" they created in their own mind about one or more close family members was just that: a myth!
I recall the 40-something man who first came in after finding out from his stepdad some things that his mother had said. "She said I had bone cancer in my leg as a kid! I never had cancer...why the hell would she lie like that?" Over time, this client felt freer to share his own memories of life at home growing up with his mom and dad. "She didn't meet my stepdad after my parents' divorce; I remember her taking me over to his house and sticking me in the basement while they were upstairs." Lessons here? "Mom" was pretty comfortable with bending the truth of her own life to suit her own white-washed version of it. As I continued to work with this client, he was able to come out of his own fog about "who" his mother truly was then...and is currently...so as to stop the cycle of dysfunction within his own family. "My kids have always been a little off after spending more than an hour alone with her", he shared. While working together like this, my client's mother suddenly passed from a fatal heart attack. Thankfully, he chose to remain in treatment as he worked through his complicated grief over her death. When he truly and deeply realized that he had no power or control over the choices she made in her lifetime, and how he truly had "nothing" to do with them, he felt better. "I get it how kids like to believe that they are the center of their parents' universe", he said, "..but it's another thing entirely to realize when you were not...and still aren't." No kidding.
Whether you are a survivor of a difficult childhood...or are currently surviving the unimaginable...help is available to you. If you are hesitant about contacting a psychotherapist, at the very least take a trip to your local library (or any public library!) and have the librarian direct you to the sections on surviving trauma, suicide, homicide, grief and loss...etc. Just being free to peruse the books there, on your own, can connect you to a resource that may end up helping you in one or more ways. If you feel stable enough to consider participation in a support group (Survivors of Homicide, Suicide...Grief Support...), there are many operating in every metropolitan area in this country.
Book recommendation: Surviving Survival by Laurence Gonzales. He has authored other books on trauma and resilience; definitely worth a read through.
Until next post...