How Practicing Being "Better" Works....Part I

I am often asked to given examples in my office of "what it looks like" when a client begins practicing all the skills to do with assertive communication in relationships with an eye on cultivating and fostering interdependent (rather than dysfunctionally codependent) relationships.  It seems like a lot to digest at first, but over time...it really becomes more and more natural to do what one has learned in this area of functioning---as opposed to what comes naturally.  When we feel stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, or otherwise "have had it up to here!"---behaving badly or wildly is never a good choice.  Remember, nobody has to teach us how to behave like jackholes when our backs are up against the wall, correct?  We manage to do just fine with that without any prompting whatsoever.  What isn't so easy is to be appropriately cool, calm, and collected while confronting those who offend us by what they say and/or do.  Not only to confront them appropriately matters here...but to do so as soon as it (the offense) happens.  Otherwise known as "doing so in a timely manner".  Who is going to remember saying something nasty to you from last summer when you wait four months to bring it up?  If you don't confront offenses committed against you in a timely manner, forget it.  Then you've just given away your power to that other person who has offended you.....

So here we go:

1.  When someone else says or does anything that causes you to feel "instantly" uncomfortable, such as feeling angry---feeling sad---feeling betrayed---feeling confused---feeling shamed---feeling stupid---feeling inadequate (you name it!)....THIS is a sign that it is time to "address" what just was said or done to the person who said or did it!

Examples:  "Wow, Susan...that was one heck of a statement.  Would you mind explaining to me what you meant by it?"

"Okay.  I just told you that the doctors found a lump under my arm---and your response was to laugh?  Can you please explain how laughing at what I said was the way to go here?"

"Hi Jackie.  I thought I was supposed to be here at 8:30AM to pick you up.  Now it's 9:15AM.  Can you please explain to me why you didn't text or call me to say you'd be 45 minutes later than 8:30?"

"Honey, when you ogle another girl's bootie like you did just now with that blonde in the green dress, can you explain to me how that obviously seems o.k. to you when I'm right here next to you now?"

Whatever you say when someone has offended you by what they have said or done....it has to basically communicate "Why?"?  "Why did you say that?"  "Why did you do that just now?"  The reason(s) why this is important is because many offenders don't even consciously realize why they are doing what they do in the first place.  If they have a chance to think about their own bad behavior and then explain the "why" of it to you or anyone else who asks...it can be a helpful tool in motivating them to stop said bad or inappropriate behavior(s) over time.  On the other hand, there are those who act or speak badly because they just don't care what you or anyone else thinks about their own inappropriate behavior(s).  Therefore, don't you think it makes sense to literally "call one out" on their sh** when they pull it in front of you?  If you don't care either, why don't you?  What makes you think it is o.k. to disrespect you (or anyone else) when whatever was said or done caused you to feel "uncomfortable" in one or more of the ways I just described earlier in this post?
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This whole area of functioning focused on "being better" and practicing it is a big one.  Even though it is often shocking when someone else says or does anything that instantly "hurts" you in some way----all you have to remember is to ask "Why did you ____________________ just now please explain it to me."  That's all.  It takes the burden of responsibility and places it right back in the arms of the person who said or did the inappropriate thing in front of you...rather than on you to "blow it off" or remain upset about it for the next week or defend yourself for something you didn't even do in the first place, etc. etc.

As I type this, I am fully aware of all the people in our life and world who just go looking for offenses no matter what anyone says or does.  I've been on that end of the stick plenty in my own life.  This group I am not addressing here through today's blog post.  For people who are like that (always looking for an excuse to "blame" you or I for something we should have done could have done or would have done if we thought about it more clearly)....they are dealing with a whole other issue centered around their own codependent taker mentality and not wanting to let go of that in their relationship with you or with me.  Period.  So...to move on....

Confronting offensive behavior in a timely manner merely means asking "Why did you say that just now"? or "Why did you do that just now?" while maintaining your own sense of calm, integrity, and self-worth.  It can begin today.  So start practicing!

Next time, we will discuss how the codependent mentality feeds the beast of offensive behaviors and how we can nip it once we fully understand it.









 

Notes From A Rehab...

This past Tuesday, I had a total knee replacement.  On Friday, I went to a rehab near our home to learn how to navigate our 34 steps at home.  I have been here now for four days.  I hope to be able to leave within the next week.  We'll see. I am in a semi-private room with a dear 90-year old woman who fell in her home and who struggles with additional medical problems.  She has already been here for two weeks and hopes to return to her home by month end.  Although this facility I am in is referred to as a "rehab" for me given my current condition...this is also a nursing home.  I have been told I am the youngest patient here at this time;  that was made clear when I was asked how important it was for me to choose my own clothing to wear each day.  Today's blog post is about all that I have observed as a result of my stint so far in this "skilled nursing facility".

Although the facility I am at will remained unnamed throughout this post, it is clearly a five-star  facility from the outside looking in.  We toured it before I had my surgery and I felt like I was in anything but a rehab/nursing home.  Beyond the exquisitely decorated public areas, it didn't smell of urine...people were smiling....and the amenities were on par with what I have seen at "the best of the best" in metro Detroit.  I was told that year-round residents pay $10,000 a month to live here;  I was not surprised by that figure. 

The first afternoon/evening was, in short, a nightmare.  It was clear to me that there was no "prep" on the part of nursing staff to be aware of or know who I was, where I came from, or what meds I needed and when since leaving the hospital and being transferred to their facility.  The first thing the nurse assigned to me said when we met was "You're so cute."  Okay.  I guess that was meant to comfort me.  It did not.  By the end of that first evening, I was texting my husband furiously to bust me out of there asap.  He didn't.  I endured.  Given that I just had a total knee replacement and was on some heavy duty pain meds---it didn't feel too good when my nurse said "maybe" one particular med could be obtained by the next day because there was none on hand at the facility.  Okay.  By the next morning, the skies opened up and the next shift's nurse arrived---along with the next shift's CNA (certified nursing assistant).  Things went MUCH better on day two.  Yet the third shift CNA that second evening of my stay asked if I was going to get up at 4:30 the next morning to be dressed for the day.  When I said "Uh...no thanks", she began arguing with me.  AS IF I was just supposed to do it because...???  Who knows.  I don't know if she was cognitively impaired or just assumed I was "supposed" to agree with whatever she suggested because "there are rules here you know".  She also told me I was only allowed to have a shower twice a week and maybe I'd get one on Tuesday (four days later).  What I realized from that moment on was that I was in charge of my own acceptable level of care whether I wanted to be or not.

I figured that during those first four nights of my stay---I unknowingly blew through about sixteen or twenty "staff" who were assigned to me each shift.  I don't know if this is a good idea on the part of any skilled nursing facility because it leaves no room for an authentic "patient/caregiver" relationship to develop.  Just as you get to know the name of your nurse or CNA---they disappear with the end of their shift.  And you may not see them ever again---or days later when you least expect to.  It's kind of like opening a birthday gift and not knowing if you will find a beautiful sweater inside...or a dead rat.  Then as would be true for so many of us, the dead rat always manage to stick around longer than the beautiful sweater does.  Go figure.  That part of my stay truly sucked wind.

Everytime I was assigned an inept, distracted, rude, or just plain lazy CNA or nurse...I practiced what I preach at work by asking "Is there something I have done or said to upset you?" OR "May I ask why you just said that/did that just now?"  My questions being designed to elicit the motive behind any given staff member's inappropriate or neglect-based behavior towards me.  One CNA in particular waited 40 minutes before coming to my bedside after I rang for her.  Then she never returned when I asked for an ice pack for my knee.  It happened again over my request for pain medication.  After those two incidents, it was clear she was too busy with "whatever"else to deal with me.  So I iced her (no pun intended) and asked my nurse for someone else to replace her during that shift.  As is true in life, we must know when to hold 'em, fold 'em, walk away, and run.  Since I couldn't walk away or run...I just folded that particular CNA up and sent her packing.  And it worked for me.

As I write this now, I have been discharged from the facility after being there for exactly one week.  Things went pretty well between days two-six; I didn't exactly look forward to the "I have to give you your shower" moments and "that's all there is to it"...but I got used to them.  I just imagined myself as Cleopatra, and the "teacher" and her "student" as my maidservants.  Actually, that part of my stay was the most relaxing in spite of my initial reservations about being seen naked by anyone other than my husband.  I have to add that the physical therapy staff were also top notch.  So, as is true in life, every cloud still has its silver lining.

Now that I am home, I am grateful.  Very grateful.  I wish I knew the solution to the "staffing" issue which does not guarantee consistency or quality of care no matter how "posh" one's surroundings might be.  It would be nice if everyone who made it their career to "care" for people on a daily basis really DID care for people on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, it's one thing to say it---another to do it.

When all is said and done, I learned a lot by being in rehab...and I hope if I ever have to go back, I will be fortunate enough to have more good than bad experiences with the caregivers assigned to me during each shift---as they come and go. 

Thank you in advance to the carers at my facility who do their job right and will be receiving a copy of this blog post. 

MD

The "Mind in Labor"...

I had never before heard anguish described as "the mind in labor" until recently.  What is anguish exactly?  According to Beth Moore, author of several best-selling Bible studies and the most recent "Mercy Triumphs" study on the book of James, the etymology of the word itself stems from the Latin "angere" and includes the meaning "to choke".  In the Green definition (thlipsis), anguish means "to crush, press, compress, squeeze".  As Moore points out in her video, anguish can be thought of as the feeling of anxiety and/or dread crushing down on you like a great weight originating from your mind...while the pain and/or suffering (anger) felt within your body is coming up at the same time (hence, the "choke" effect).  I don't know about you, but I'd say she nailed it.  Anyone who has struggled with all of these component parts which lead to anguish (pain, anxiety, suffering, and dread) knows that the net effect is one of  feeling or being choked.  Not a good thing...and a very hard way to live.

Yet as anyone who has given birth will tell you, anguish can literally be transformed into something beautiful and joy-filled despite the pain...and the suffering...and the anxiety...and the dread.  As the body goes through labor to push out a beautiful new creation....so does the mind.  I can remember when I was hospitalized a full week before I gave birth to our daughter;  she wasn't due until a month later---and I found myself going from a routine doctor's appointment with my husband to a hospital bed.  Because everything happened so quickly, I didn't focus on what was wrong so much as I did on being grateful my husband was with me!  In my case, what could have been a week filled with tremendous anguish turned out to be party in my hospital room.  My roommate was a bus driver who just had a C-section;  we laughed so much during our time together that she was moved to another room after popping a few of her staples.  After she left, I was the quarantined for a few days as the doctor(s) feared I had contracted Hepatitis C.  I didn't even know what Hepatitis C was at the time, but I know I was grateful for the nurses who seemed to appear out of nowhere to talk to me and ask my advice about all things "marketing" (I was a marketing consultant to small business at that time).  I also remember being very happy about the deliveries of "good" food that my husband and friends brought to me basically on demand.  When all was said and done and God blessed us with our beautiful 6 lb. 7oz. baby girl....I KNEW I was and had been protected from a whole lotta anguish that I was distracted away from for the entire week.

Now as I prepare to get a total knee replacement tomorrow afternoon....I have to admit my mind has been in labor these past few weeks.  What if the pain is more than I can bear?  What if I freak out because my leg will feel like a wood plank I can't bend for several weeks like I want to?  What if I can't get in and out of my SUV?  What if....  What if..... What if....

Instead, just as was true before our daughter was born....I need to chillax and focus on the bigger picture.  Ultimately, my knee will work right!  Ultimately, I will be able to walk without thinking of every step hurting like it has these past four years.  Ultimately, I will not even have to "think" about how far someplace is that I am forced to walk to.  Ultimately, I won't have to pop two Advil or one Celebrex every single morning knowing they don't work that great anyway.  Ultimately, I will be set free of the tyranny of my left knee!

Nobody is exempt from experiencing "mind in labor" moments.  We all have them.  But when we lose sleep over them...when we find ourselves going round and round with these same catastrophic thoughts based on our own anticapatory anxieties...it's really no good.  Instead of permitting ourselves to become comfortably familiar with the feelings associated with our anxiety, anguish, and dread---we can practice putting a stop to it.  We truly can.  Just the other night I suggested that a client struggling with guilt go on Pinterest and search for "Funny Guilt Memes".  Sometimes when we read those memes that tell it like it is...they not only make us laugh our heads off---but bring before us some home truths we won't ever forget.  Those truths, in turn, can give us hope, a new direction, and focus in moving our minds and our bodies forward.  As as been said many times before, "What we resist, will persist." 

I held off on this surgery for four years and two months.  I have heard countless times how I will regret not having it done sooner after I am healed and my knee "works" again.  Silly me.  I let my anguish over my left knee get the best of me...until tomorrow that is.

Until we meet again....