A good relationship between two people involves a couple of things. First, each must be able to share information. Second, each must be able to exchange care. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? Well, you should know by now that not everything which sounds simple is actually that simple to do.
Sharing information is a primary example; what does it really mean to "share" information in the context of a "good" relationship? I have a colleague who believes that "sharing" means she can make a habit of calling, talking "at" me, feeling better for having unburdened herself, and then hanging up because she's finished and feels better for it. That's not sharing; that's what I call emotional vomiting. This does not make for a "good" relationship by any means. Yet what my colleague does more often than not when she calls me is what a so-called "good" sister may do to another sister---what a wife may do to a husband---what a boyfriend may do to a girlfriend---be it on or off the phone lines.
The whole point of sharing information is to develop and maintain true emotional intimacy with the other person you are in your "good" relationship with. Emotional intimacy means you feel you understand the other person deeply and vice versa. As such, you can't just have a "good share" once in a while (of information that is!) and figure that's all there is to it. The sharing of information is ongoing; it doesn't just happen during a meal on Thursdays, after sex, before dinner, or on weekends. It happens every single day, just like life happens every single day. If that sounds scary or overwhelming, it's time to take a deeper look at how this process cannot be controlled if it is to work. Mutual respect is a key here in making the sharing exchange work. Would you blow off your boss if he or she called you in to "share information" at 9:00AM Monday morning when you haven't yet had your morning cup of Starbucks? Sometimes (many times!) we must allow our respect for the other person trump our own selfish need to ignore them, emotionally vomit on them, or become irritated with them. If you don't respect the other person to begin with, that's a whole other problem for another blog post. When the sharing works, you both win. Each feels good about comfortably being able to identify and express their respective feelings, needs, wants...joys, sorrows, dreams, and disappointments (etc. etc.) AND being well understood as a result! I am going to add at this point that another dimension of relational intimacy is that which pertains to spiritual matters. As such, spiritual intimacy would involve an even deeper level of sharing information as it relates to one's spiritual world view, how one experiences God, discussing spiritual matters, etc. etc.
Needless to say, sharing information isn't just about texting one another to say "Pick me up at 6.." or "Hugs!" Sharing information is about revealing who you authentically are freely, openly, and honestly in a respectful, timely, and appropriate manner....and on an ongoing basis....AND vice versa!
Exchanging care is the other aspect of what makes for a "good" relationship between two people. Yet this pursuit can be exponentially more jacked up than any emotional vomiting attempt at sharing information! Exchanging care does NOT mean that you become a "pro" at it (on your side that is!) because you are so afraid that you will be unsafe, abandoned, or deeply hurt/rejected if you don't. Fearful obligations to "care" for others is way different than offering care out of authentic love and generosity of spirit. Exchanging care is a two-way street. You don't just give and give and give until you burn yourself out and develop a bad attitude about it besides. You learn how to ask for care; you learn how to receive care; you learn how to wait until YOU are asked for care so you can choose (or not!) to provide it to someone else. As I have said many times over recent years, "When you try to satisfy a need for someone before they even realize themselves that they have that need...you'll piss them off more than you will hear them say "Oh thanks Hon!" Nobody wants to feel "stupid" or "dumb" about not identifying their own need until AFTER you have identified it for them first. It's o.k. to provide care like this when you have an infant, baby, or even a toddler...but to try and treat another adult like a dependent sheep WHO NEEDS YOUR CARE is ludicrous. You aren't that powerful and you can't control everything. Get over it. Take your crown, your wings, your whips, your chains (whatever you got that you use in this regard!) OFF...and please join the rest of us who are trying to function as equals to one another in life. There is no room for sadists or masochists in the practice of exchanging care with others we claim to love and respect.
So, to recap: if you want a good relationship with someone that involves emotional intimacy at the very least, spiritual intimacy, and/or physical intimacy (as committed partners)...then you must learn how to master the practice of sharing information and exchanging care. Period. And if you need help with that, I'm just a phone call away.
Sharing information is a primary example; what does it really mean to "share" information in the context of a "good" relationship? I have a colleague who believes that "sharing" means she can make a habit of calling, talking "at" me, feeling better for having unburdened herself, and then hanging up because she's finished and feels better for it. That's not sharing; that's what I call emotional vomiting. This does not make for a "good" relationship by any means. Yet what my colleague does more often than not when she calls me is what a so-called "good" sister may do to another sister---what a wife may do to a husband---what a boyfriend may do to a girlfriend---be it on or off the phone lines.
The whole point of sharing information is to develop and maintain true emotional intimacy with the other person you are in your "good" relationship with. Emotional intimacy means you feel you understand the other person deeply and vice versa. As such, you can't just have a "good share" once in a while (of information that is!) and figure that's all there is to it. The sharing of information is ongoing; it doesn't just happen during a meal on Thursdays, after sex, before dinner, or on weekends. It happens every single day, just like life happens every single day. If that sounds scary or overwhelming, it's time to take a deeper look at how this process cannot be controlled if it is to work. Mutual respect is a key here in making the sharing exchange work. Would you blow off your boss if he or she called you in to "share information" at 9:00AM Monday morning when you haven't yet had your morning cup of Starbucks? Sometimes (many times!) we must allow our respect for the other person trump our own selfish need to ignore them, emotionally vomit on them, or become irritated with them. If you don't respect the other person to begin with, that's a whole other problem for another blog post. When the sharing works, you both win. Each feels good about comfortably being able to identify and express their respective feelings, needs, wants...joys, sorrows, dreams, and disappointments (etc. etc.) AND being well understood as a result! I am going to add at this point that another dimension of relational intimacy is that which pertains to spiritual matters. As such, spiritual intimacy would involve an even deeper level of sharing information as it relates to one's spiritual world view, how one experiences God, discussing spiritual matters, etc. etc.
Needless to say, sharing information isn't just about texting one another to say "Pick me up at 6.." or "Hugs!" Sharing information is about revealing who you authentically are freely, openly, and honestly in a respectful, timely, and appropriate manner....and on an ongoing basis....AND vice versa!
Exchanging care is the other aspect of what makes for a "good" relationship between two people. Yet this pursuit can be exponentially more jacked up than any emotional vomiting attempt at sharing information! Exchanging care does NOT mean that you become a "pro" at it (on your side that is!) because you are so afraid that you will be unsafe, abandoned, or deeply hurt/rejected if you don't. Fearful obligations to "care" for others is way different than offering care out of authentic love and generosity of spirit. Exchanging care is a two-way street. You don't just give and give and give until you burn yourself out and develop a bad attitude about it besides. You learn how to ask for care; you learn how to receive care; you learn how to wait until YOU are asked for care so you can choose (or not!) to provide it to someone else. As I have said many times over recent years, "When you try to satisfy a need for someone before they even realize themselves that they have that need...you'll piss them off more than you will hear them say "Oh thanks Hon!" Nobody wants to feel "stupid" or "dumb" about not identifying their own need until AFTER you have identified it for them first. It's o.k. to provide care like this when you have an infant, baby, or even a toddler...but to try and treat another adult like a dependent sheep WHO NEEDS YOUR CARE is ludicrous. You aren't that powerful and you can't control everything. Get over it. Take your crown, your wings, your whips, your chains (whatever you got that you use in this regard!) OFF...and please join the rest of us who are trying to function as equals to one another in life. There is no room for sadists or masochists in the practice of exchanging care with others we claim to love and respect.
So, to recap: if you want a good relationship with someone that involves emotional intimacy at the very least, spiritual intimacy, and/or physical intimacy (as committed partners)...then you must learn how to master the practice of sharing information and exchanging care. Period. And if you need help with that, I'm just a phone call away.