I am often asked to given examples in my office of "what it looks like" when a client begins practicing all the skills to do with assertive communication in relationships with an eye on cultivating and fostering interdependent (rather than dysfunctionally codependent) relationships. It seems like a lot to digest at first, but over time...it really becomes more and more natural to do what one has learned in this area of functioning---as opposed to what comes naturally. When we feel stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, or otherwise "have had it up to here!"---behaving badly or wildly is never a good choice. Remember, nobody has to teach us how to behave like jackholes when our backs are up against the wall, correct? We manage to do just fine with that without any prompting whatsoever. What isn't so easy is to be appropriately cool, calm, and collected while confronting those who offend us by what they say and/or do. Not only to confront them appropriately matters here...but to do so as soon as it (the offense) happens. Otherwise known as "doing so in a timely manner". Who is going to remember saying something nasty to you from last summer when you wait four months to bring it up? If you don't confront offenses committed against you in a timely manner, forget it. Then you've just given away your power to that other person who has offended you.....
So here we go:
1. When someone else says or does anything that causes you to feel "instantly" uncomfortable, such as feeling angry---feeling sad---feeling betrayed---feeling confused---feeling shamed---feeling stupid---feeling inadequate (you name it!)....THIS is a sign that it is time to "address" what just was said or done to the person who said or did it!
Examples: "Wow, Susan...that was one heck of a statement. Would you mind explaining to me what you meant by it?"
"Okay. I just told you that the doctors found a lump under my arm---and your response was to laugh? Can you please explain how laughing at what I said was the way to go here?"
"Hi Jackie. I thought I was supposed to be here at 8:30AM to pick you up. Now it's 9:15AM. Can you please explain to me why you didn't text or call me to say you'd be 45 minutes later than 8:30?"
"Honey, when you ogle another girl's bootie like you did just now with that blonde in the green dress, can you explain to me how that obviously seems o.k. to you when I'm right here next to you now?"
Whatever you say when someone has offended you by what they have said or done....it has to basically communicate "Why?"? "Why did you say that?" "Why did you do that just now?" The reason(s) why this is important is because many offenders don't even consciously realize why they are doing what they do in the first place. If they have a chance to think about their own bad behavior and then explain the "why" of it to you or anyone else who asks...it can be a helpful tool in motivating them to stop said bad or inappropriate behavior(s) over time. On the other hand, there are those who act or speak badly because they just don't care what you or anyone else thinks about their own inappropriate behavior(s). Therefore, don't you think it makes sense to literally "call one out" on their sh** when they pull it in front of you? If you don't care either, why don't you? What makes you think it is o.k. to disrespect you (or anyone else) when whatever was said or done caused you to feel "uncomfortable" in one or more of the ways I just described earlier in this post?
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This whole area of functioning focused on "being better" and practicing it is a big one. Even though it is often shocking when someone else says or does anything that instantly "hurts" you in some way----all you have to remember is to ask "Why did you ____________________ just now please explain it to me." That's all. It takes the burden of responsibility and places it right back in the arms of the person who said or did the inappropriate thing in front of you...rather than on you to "blow it off" or remain upset about it for the next week or defend yourself for something you didn't even do in the first place, etc. etc.
As I type this, I am fully aware of all the people in our life and world who just go looking for offenses no matter what anyone says or does. I've been on that end of the stick plenty in my own life. This group I am not addressing here through today's blog post. For people who are like that (always looking for an excuse to "blame" you or I for something we should have done could have done or would have done if we thought about it more clearly)....they are dealing with a whole other issue centered around their own codependent taker mentality and not wanting to let go of that in their relationship with you or with me. Period. So...to move on....
Confronting offensive behavior in a timely manner merely means asking "Why did you say that just now"? or "Why did you do that just now?" while maintaining your own sense of calm, integrity, and self-worth. It can begin today. So start practicing!
Next time, we will discuss how the codependent mentality feeds the beast of offensive behaviors and how we can nip it once we fully understand it.
So here we go:
1. When someone else says or does anything that causes you to feel "instantly" uncomfortable, such as feeling angry---feeling sad---feeling betrayed---feeling confused---feeling shamed---feeling stupid---feeling inadequate (you name it!)....THIS is a sign that it is time to "address" what just was said or done to the person who said or did it!
Examples: "Wow, Susan...that was one heck of a statement. Would you mind explaining to me what you meant by it?"
"Okay. I just told you that the doctors found a lump under my arm---and your response was to laugh? Can you please explain how laughing at what I said was the way to go here?"
"Hi Jackie. I thought I was supposed to be here at 8:30AM to pick you up. Now it's 9:15AM. Can you please explain to me why you didn't text or call me to say you'd be 45 minutes later than 8:30?"
"Honey, when you ogle another girl's bootie like you did just now with that blonde in the green dress, can you explain to me how that obviously seems o.k. to you when I'm right here next to you now?"
Whatever you say when someone has offended you by what they have said or done....it has to basically communicate "Why?"? "Why did you say that?" "Why did you do that just now?" The reason(s) why this is important is because many offenders don't even consciously realize why they are doing what they do in the first place. If they have a chance to think about their own bad behavior and then explain the "why" of it to you or anyone else who asks...it can be a helpful tool in motivating them to stop said bad or inappropriate behavior(s) over time. On the other hand, there are those who act or speak badly because they just don't care what you or anyone else thinks about their own inappropriate behavior(s). Therefore, don't you think it makes sense to literally "call one out" on their sh** when they pull it in front of you? If you don't care either, why don't you? What makes you think it is o.k. to disrespect you (or anyone else) when whatever was said or done caused you to feel "uncomfortable" in one or more of the ways I just described earlier in this post?
----------
This whole area of functioning focused on "being better" and practicing it is a big one. Even though it is often shocking when someone else says or does anything that instantly "hurts" you in some way----all you have to remember is to ask "Why did you ____________________ just now please explain it to me." That's all. It takes the burden of responsibility and places it right back in the arms of the person who said or did the inappropriate thing in front of you...rather than on you to "blow it off" or remain upset about it for the next week or defend yourself for something you didn't even do in the first place, etc. etc.
As I type this, I am fully aware of all the people in our life and world who just go looking for offenses no matter what anyone says or does. I've been on that end of the stick plenty in my own life. This group I am not addressing here through today's blog post. For people who are like that (always looking for an excuse to "blame" you or I for something we should have done could have done or would have done if we thought about it more clearly)....they are dealing with a whole other issue centered around their own codependent taker mentality and not wanting to let go of that in their relationship with you or with me. Period. So...to move on....
Confronting offensive behavior in a timely manner merely means asking "Why did you say that just now"? or "Why did you do that just now?" while maintaining your own sense of calm, integrity, and self-worth. It can begin today. So start practicing!
Next time, we will discuss how the codependent mentality feeds the beast of offensive behaviors and how we can nip it once we fully understand it.