Last post, I introduced us to emotionally unavailable people and some of the background concerning how any of us can become emotionally unavailable to ourselves and others. Today, I am going to present a few of the various "types" of emotionally unavailable people, based on Bryn C. Collins' "classic" book "Emotional Unavailability".
Romeo/Romiette: "Great Balcony, No Stamina!"
Everyone has come across at least one male Romeo or female Romiette when it comes to emotionally unavailable people. These are the people who try to push and then fit the whole world into the romance/chase/conquest scenario in their own so-called "love" relationships. To respect and discover one another's humanity and uniqueness over the course of time is WAY too much work; with Romeo and Romiette everyone is an object. Romeos and Romiettes are best identified and known for expressing an intense interest in the object of their desire in the early stages of their "romance". "You are the most beautiful, the smartest, the most wonderful woman/man I have ever met!", proclaims Romeo/Romiette as they sweep you away and make you the center of their attention and universe. That is, until you do something (or not enough of something!) to bore them..disappoint them..."bother" them....or yank them into reality. When this occurs, Romeos and Romiettes suddenly start disappearing in whatever forms that may take. Not that there was a fight or blowup of any kind; to the contrary, things may have appeared just "great" between you up to now. Without any cause or explanation, Romeo/Romiette simply stops being so "attentive" and has instead become more evasive and elusive. Their unexplained absences, expenses, lack of phone or text contact, and/or lateness are confusing and made even more so when your Romeo or Romiette doesn't really want to discuss "it". Over time, it becomes more and more clear that Romeo and Romiette are most interested in keeping everything light and superficial because flattery and being grateful for the flattery is the name of their game. Once you disappoint a Romeo or Romiette, you might as well chop your own head off. As soon as any hint of repetition or familiarity appears between you....as soon as you push to know how Romeo or Romiette actually "feels" about something that matters to you...alarm bells go off in Romeo and Romiette's head like a five-alarm fire. Remember those wedding bells you heard? Romeo and Romiette heard sirens instead leading them straight into hell! By the time your relationship has ended, Romeo and Romiette has no real sense of pain or loss; there was no real emotional investment on their part to begin with. Instead, Romeo and Romiette is drawn once again to the thrill of the chase with their "next" object of desire. Why would someone do this? Although it seems so manipulative and mean-spirited to function as a Romeo or a Romiette, these folks are extremely numb emotionally and don't even know who they themselves are on a deep level. They can't connect emotionally at any authentic level with any human being, let alone themselves. When you were involved with your Romeo or Romiette, you were treated like a precious object for a while...and once Romeo or Romiette truly "had" you...you were no longer desirable. It's not o.k. and it's not nice and you didn't deserve such treatment. On the other hand, how can you learn the lessons that only Romeos and Romiettes have to teach us unless you open your eyes to this type of emotionally unavailable person and realize "It wasn't my fault!"
Indiana Jones: "The Dangerous One!"
Unlike Romeos and Romiettes who are completely focused on you for a time, the Indiana Jones type of emotionally unavailable person is completely focused on events and excitement. He or she casts themselves in the central role, but it's all action---and no interaction. As stated in her book "Emotional Unavailability", author Bryn Collins states that as long as you continue to be the awed spectator/supporter of your Indiana Jones...your relationship will continue. To try and share any emotion beyond "Wow! You're amazing!" will lead you right to the dump heap. Indiana Jones doesn't want a partner; he or she wants an adoring fan. Whereby Romeo and Romiette can slip away silently from their relationships, Indiana Jones disappears in a cloud of activity. He or she just gets busy and you're not on the schedule (anymore). Indiana might go off on yet another adventure or take up a new activity you're not interested in. By asking for any kind of commitment, you will be sure to see Indiana Jones' activity suddenly increase...and without you. The residual these people leave in our lives is a taste for the buzz of excitement. Being dumped by or breaking up with an Indiana Jones type is more about adrenaline withdrawal than anything else. The good news is that you can learn to be comfortable with a person whose idea of excitement is sitting at home watching a DVD and eating take out pizza. All it takes is an authentic emotional connection rather than an adrenaline rush being at the center of your relationship dynamic...
Tens and Other Trophies: "So HAWWWT!"
Tens and other trophies are those emotionally unavailable people who rely on the power of their looks to enchant others without any emotional connection involved. Your role in this type of relationship is clearly defined from the first contact: you are in charge of adoration and admiration of your Ten. The person who is attracted by the beauty of the Ten and other trophies gets a different kind of rush than the adrenaline-by-association person who chose Indiana Jones..or by being seen themselves as a Ten (initially!) in the eyes of their Romeo or Romiette. As you may have surmised, when a Ten gets together with a Romeo or Romiette, a highly parasitic relationship dynamic can occur between the trophy---and the trophy hunter. Think of this combination as emotional unavailability squared.
By choosing a Ten and other trophies as a partner, one accesses their own feelings of pride and accomplishment by association. Everyone who sees you together will "know" you got yourself a Ten and nobody else has him or her BUT YOU. Keep in mind that all beautiful people are not Tens, however. What distinguishes the Tens is the emotional distance they keep from anyone who tries to authentically emotionally connect and be a part of their lives. Tens and other trophies want the appreciation and admiration of others as the primary basis for the "emotional" connection between them. Holding the world at arm's length, Tens and other trophies have made their own beauty a substitute for emotion...and a substitute for emotional connection. When the break up with a Ten occurs, it is painful as it attacks our own sense of self esteem. The "glow by association" is gone; yet we have to keep in mind that love and beauty are NOT the same thing. Tens and other trophies may dazzle us for a time, but underneath all that beauty and "hawwt-ness" lurks an empty shell without any interest in an authentic heart-based connection...
More types next time as we address this issue of emotionally unavailable people.
Romeo/Romiette: "Great Balcony, No Stamina!"
Everyone has come across at least one male Romeo or female Romiette when it comes to emotionally unavailable people. These are the people who try to push and then fit the whole world into the romance/chase/conquest scenario in their own so-called "love" relationships. To respect and discover one another's humanity and uniqueness over the course of time is WAY too much work; with Romeo and Romiette everyone is an object. Romeos and Romiettes are best identified and known for expressing an intense interest in the object of their desire in the early stages of their "romance". "You are the most beautiful, the smartest, the most wonderful woman/man I have ever met!", proclaims Romeo/Romiette as they sweep you away and make you the center of their attention and universe. That is, until you do something (or not enough of something!) to bore them..disappoint them..."bother" them....or yank them into reality. When this occurs, Romeos and Romiettes suddenly start disappearing in whatever forms that may take. Not that there was a fight or blowup of any kind; to the contrary, things may have appeared just "great" between you up to now. Without any cause or explanation, Romeo/Romiette simply stops being so "attentive" and has instead become more evasive and elusive. Their unexplained absences, expenses, lack of phone or text contact, and/or lateness are confusing and made even more so when your Romeo or Romiette doesn't really want to discuss "it". Over time, it becomes more and more clear that Romeo and Romiette are most interested in keeping everything light and superficial because flattery and being grateful for the flattery is the name of their game. Once you disappoint a Romeo or Romiette, you might as well chop your own head off. As soon as any hint of repetition or familiarity appears between you....as soon as you push to know how Romeo or Romiette actually "feels" about something that matters to you...alarm bells go off in Romeo and Romiette's head like a five-alarm fire. Remember those wedding bells you heard? Romeo and Romiette heard sirens instead leading them straight into hell! By the time your relationship has ended, Romeo and Romiette has no real sense of pain or loss; there was no real emotional investment on their part to begin with. Instead, Romeo and Romiette is drawn once again to the thrill of the chase with their "next" object of desire. Why would someone do this? Although it seems so manipulative and mean-spirited to function as a Romeo or a Romiette, these folks are extremely numb emotionally and don't even know who they themselves are on a deep level. They can't connect emotionally at any authentic level with any human being, let alone themselves. When you were involved with your Romeo or Romiette, you were treated like a precious object for a while...and once Romeo or Romiette truly "had" you...you were no longer desirable. It's not o.k. and it's not nice and you didn't deserve such treatment. On the other hand, how can you learn the lessons that only Romeos and Romiettes have to teach us unless you open your eyes to this type of emotionally unavailable person and realize "It wasn't my fault!"
Indiana Jones: "The Dangerous One!"
Unlike Romeos and Romiettes who are completely focused on you for a time, the Indiana Jones type of emotionally unavailable person is completely focused on events and excitement. He or she casts themselves in the central role, but it's all action---and no interaction. As stated in her book "Emotional Unavailability", author Bryn Collins states that as long as you continue to be the awed spectator/supporter of your Indiana Jones...your relationship will continue. To try and share any emotion beyond "Wow! You're amazing!" will lead you right to the dump heap. Indiana Jones doesn't want a partner; he or she wants an adoring fan. Whereby Romeo and Romiette can slip away silently from their relationships, Indiana Jones disappears in a cloud of activity. He or she just gets busy and you're not on the schedule (anymore). Indiana might go off on yet another adventure or take up a new activity you're not interested in. By asking for any kind of commitment, you will be sure to see Indiana Jones' activity suddenly increase...and without you. The residual these people leave in our lives is a taste for the buzz of excitement. Being dumped by or breaking up with an Indiana Jones type is more about adrenaline withdrawal than anything else. The good news is that you can learn to be comfortable with a person whose idea of excitement is sitting at home watching a DVD and eating take out pizza. All it takes is an authentic emotional connection rather than an adrenaline rush being at the center of your relationship dynamic...
Tens and Other Trophies: "So HAWWWT!"
Tens and other trophies are those emotionally unavailable people who rely on the power of their looks to enchant others without any emotional connection involved. Your role in this type of relationship is clearly defined from the first contact: you are in charge of adoration and admiration of your Ten. The person who is attracted by the beauty of the Ten and other trophies gets a different kind of rush than the adrenaline-by-association person who chose Indiana Jones..or by being seen themselves as a Ten (initially!) in the eyes of their Romeo or Romiette. As you may have surmised, when a Ten gets together with a Romeo or Romiette, a highly parasitic relationship dynamic can occur between the trophy---and the trophy hunter. Think of this combination as emotional unavailability squared.
By choosing a Ten and other trophies as a partner, one accesses their own feelings of pride and accomplishment by association. Everyone who sees you together will "know" you got yourself a Ten and nobody else has him or her BUT YOU. Keep in mind that all beautiful people are not Tens, however. What distinguishes the Tens is the emotional distance they keep from anyone who tries to authentically emotionally connect and be a part of their lives. Tens and other trophies want the appreciation and admiration of others as the primary basis for the "emotional" connection between them. Holding the world at arm's length, Tens and other trophies have made their own beauty a substitute for emotion...and a substitute for emotional connection. When the break up with a Ten occurs, it is painful as it attacks our own sense of self esteem. The "glow by association" is gone; yet we have to keep in mind that love and beauty are NOT the same thing. Tens and other trophies may dazzle us for a time, but underneath all that beauty and "hawwt-ness" lurks an empty shell without any interest in an authentic heart-based connection...
More types next time as we address this issue of emotionally unavailable people.