When was the last time you recognized yourself as either emotionally regulated versus dysregulated? You know, being self aware of those times when you didn't go straight into a trauma response (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn) as a result of being disrespected/dismissed/devalued/denigrated (you name it) by offenses real or imagined.
When you can keep yourself in check and yet appropriately present during times like that, you are considered to be "regulated" emotionally speaking. It helps, of course, when you know how to immediately respond to someone who is instantly scaring you, confusing you, or upsetting you by what they say and/or do in your presence. One response I particularly like is this one: "Are you o.k. right now?" That is the nice way of responding to someone who you believe is being offensive to you---by focusing on THEIR own current emotional status. The skills we need to learn here allow us to "Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean, and say it in a timely manner to the person who needs to hear you."
It is true that emotionally mature adults are better at regulating themselves generally speaking when offenses both large and small whiz past us at lightening speed. For me, that would mean all those "near miss" moments while I am driving these days. I don't know what makes us so goofy on the roads as we drive, but I am certainly not interested in treating any street or expressway as if it was my own personal race track, just saying. And yet, what can I say? I am completely surprised there aren't a larger number of people wrapping themselves around trees, trucks, or medians on a daily basis. But that's another subject for another post not this one today! I just know that when "it" happens to me and I am startled by what just happened that could have injured me or the other driver, I thank Jesus and keep driving! I don't chase down the other driver, flip them off, scream at them...or any of the other stunts I see drivers pull with each other way too often. Not. Worth. It. Instead, if I can get a license plate # and make/model of the car, I do call the police to let them know what just happened so they know. Drivers who are consistently careless on the roads do discover that one day their time is going to be spent in the court system, hospital, prison, or morgue. It is just a matter of time. This past Sunday, in fact, as we were driving home from Nashville, there were a group of motorcyclists who decided to use the left-most shoulder of the combined I-71 and I-75 northbound expressway as their own personal traffic lane. Yes, it was bumper to bumper, but as they whizzed past me all I could see was their Dayton club insignia on the back of their jackets. Needless to say, I hope someone ended up calling the police on that entitled bunch of yahoos.
When we are practicing the fine art of emotional regulation on a daily basis, we need to possess specific skills that teach us to comfortably say what we mean, mean what we say, etc. In other words, we can't "fake" emotional regulation. It takes many skills to bring us back to baseline when we feel suddenly on fire---or suddenly numb and somwhere "else" other than the here and now of present day reality.
If you wonder what our emotionally unregulated selves look like in today's day and age, just look around you. The whole "Karen" and "Richard" phenomenons are about emotional dysregulation. I don't know why our culture decided that being a "Karen" or a "Richard" was specific to a particular race, but o.k. In fact, we can find Karens and Richards everywhere and anywhere so long as one presents with an entitled attitude towards others while on steroids. (LOL!) What we need to remember about folks like these is that nobody died and made him/her/them the Lord and Master of our own life just because they think so. End of.
So what can you and I do to regulate rather than dysregulate when we get hit upside the head with an offensive act directed at ourselves---or in our presence? Well, as I will say to my clients, "Even if you see someone knocking the stuffing out of another human being, your job is NOT to insert yourself in the middle of that nightmare. Call 911 immediately." I actually had a good friend who was a passenger in a truck when someone on the side of the road threw a female under the tires of the truck as it approached. By the grace of God the truck "missed", but this long and sordid tale ended up in a court case where (thankfully!) the perp was imprisoned for his actions. Sheesh! I tell ya, this emotional dysregulation thing is its own pandemic in our modern culture of today no kidding.
Stop! Relax! Think! Act! So simple and yet we forget to do this whenever we are instantly offended by whatever we see, hear, or otherwise "experience" through our five senses. Don't act first. Stop, relax, and think first! Then you can decide what the "best" course of action is without making matters worse. And be sure to live by the edict: "Check yourself, before you wreck yourself." There is nothing worth getting yourself in a twist over when the "incident" is purely verbal in nature and you don't even know who you are tussling with verbally in the first place. Just STAHP!
In the above example, with my friend in the truck, they called 911 immediately. As would be true to do in any genuine emergency situation. No time to stop relax and think before you act. Yet for any other "non-emergency" situation, this is a very important skill to practice so as to make emotional regulation your own default status no matter what you experience directly or indirectly.
Breathing slower and more deeply is another skill we have to practice like it's our job. When we can breathe in and out six or fewer times per minute...and then do that for at least 3-5 minutes, whatever high anxiety we feel will decrease down to about zero. No kidding. So you can practice Box breathing, Square breathing (as the Navy Seals are trained to do!) and as explained online....in your car, while you walk, while you ride a bike, no matter where you are or what you are doing, make breathing better a skill you can use to be and become more emotionally regulated!
I also suggest having your favorite "go to" responses memorized as you would your own name, address, and phone number. I mentioned earlier in this post the "Are you o.k. right now?" response. That's just one of several that really work to divert and distract an offender from continuing on with his/her/their brand of harsh judgment, false accusation, and/or other forms of bullying behavior. Here's some of my personal favorites:
"Is there a reason why you need me to agree with you so badly?"
"I'm not sure you are aware of this, but are you actually using fear to convince me to do what you are asking of me right now?" (Note: Can replace "fear" with "obligation" and/or "guilt" depending on what the speaker says to offend you in the moment...)
"I notice you are extremely passionate about this topic. Good for you!"
"I don't know who you think you are speaking to right now in that manner, but may I remind you that I'm not her?" (or "him" or "them" however you identify yourself)
"As I listen to you speak, I have to wonder why you think I'm o.k. with being disrespected like that?"
"I hear you, but I sure don't understand what is motivating you. Would you mind explaining why you believe I need to hear this right now?"
"When you start telling me who I am, I need to remind you that I already know."
"I have to say for a person who keeps repeating yourself about who you are that's "good", maybe you want to consider demonstrating that quality to others more often."
"Are you trying to help me or hurt me right now?"
"I regret I have no idea who you are talking about right now and it's becoming increasingly clear to me that I don't really care to listen to this any longer either." (as you leave the area)
"Being devalued because I don't happen to agree with you is your issue, not mine."
"Have a nice day." (and leave)
"When you...............I felt..............so I need you to....................."
"I felt...............when you..................so I need you to.................."
"I need you to..................because................."
....and for when things get really mind-numbing:
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?
"Who lit the fuse in your underpants today?"
"How about never? Is that good enough for you?"
"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely delusional on your part."
"Yes, I remember thinking that way as a youngster."
"Emotional maturity isn't a natural phenomenon in your case."
....and on and on we go!
When you can practice saying what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean, but say it in the moment of the "thing" happening between you and that other person (offensive words or behaviors)...this is how you learn to become COMFORTABLE with this new, and more effective way, of regulating your own emotional landscape on a daily basis! How about that?!
Don't misunderstand, emotional dysregulation is much easier for us to "do" without even thinking about it at all when we are "triggered" by circumstances, situations, and events that are negative in nature. When we can, however, stop ourselves from doing the easy/wrong/harmful thing when we are tempted to---we have just empowered ourselves to move past the "junk" of this life without it piercing us mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically speaking. We are able to move on and not allow the "incident" whatever it is to drag behind us for the rest of that day---or night---or into the rest of our week. Inotherwords, we handled it in the moment when we needed to, and now "it" is over. Done.
..until next post!