Here's an issue for you. We all understand what it feels like to be in the presence of someone with a capital "G" god-complex. Today, I thought I would present the issues which allow a person to fall under the spell of this type of person in their own relationship life and remain there. After all, there is a secondary gain attached to being in a relationship with someone (or several someones!) who treat you like they ARE the boss of you and you keep allowing it!
And forgive me for the misleading title of today's blog post. Had I written "Guess What? You're My Equal...NOT My Servant!" that would mean that the "Master" in this type of relationship dynamic actually had some insight about how he/she/they roll and wants to change it. Not typically the case with people who ARE obsessed with controlling outcomes---and the people attached to those outcomes!
Generally speaking, anyone who functions like a "Master" in their relationship life is absolutely clueless as to the harm they are inflicting onto those chosen others they aim to control. Not to mention when a wanna-be Master comes across another wanna-be Master...although I will admit that can be fun to watch when it occurs! :-P
Instead, today's blog post title reflects the hope that exists for anyone who knows they are being controlled by person(s) A, B, C, D, and E....but feels powerless to do anything to change it. Newsflash: You CAN change your status as living and functioning "beneath" your spouse, your sister, your parent(s), your best friend(s), your neighbor(s), etc. etc. Anyone is capable being consistently compliant and mindlessly so. Yet if there is no understanding as to "why" you allow this "You're the Boss and I'm the Servant!" relationship dynamic to continue...it WILL continue for as long as you let it...
Genuine "love" and love-bonding is not about controlling all outcomes. It is not about me allowing you to tell me how to talk, how to move, or how to "do" anything! Sure, for small children learning how to navigate themselves in life---parents and other connected adults ARE responsible for teaching their littles all sorts of things like how to share, table manners, no hitting or biting, wait your turn, be sure to say "please" and "thank you" when asking for and receiving something, setting boundaries, not using tantrums to manipulate outcomes, showing compassion, learning forgiveness, etc. etc.
Yet we all grow up. We may not grow up emotionally, but we do grow up physically. When a grown adult still views "normal" as someone else dictating what to do or not do on an ongoing basis (or some series of someone elses!)...there is a huge problem present!
Sadly, adults who struggle with chronic and intense fears of rejection and abandonment by others are "ripe" for the picking by wanna-be "Masters" in their own relationship life. These are the men and women who have (they believe!) the protection of their "magical thinking safety person/Master" (or people!). In exchange for this so-called "protection", the anxiety-laden adult here doesn't question much. They just go along and don't have to think about what they "truly" want for themselves outside of what Master/Mistress tells them they are getting (or not getting!).
But herein lies the rub. Many "servant" oriented men and women eventually DO find their own voice and start questioning....or complaining...or acting out....or whatever else not good in order to attempt elevating themselves to "Equal" status. When this happens, the relationship can sour quickly and end just as quickly---or worse! Do you know how many married couples actually get divorced because nobody talked about "kids" until the "servant" person in the relationship finally put his/her/their foot down about "I DO NOT WANT KIDS!" Who needs to wait that long to realize that their relationship really was based on this Master/Servant codependent dynamic? I sure wouldn't! And then there is Scott Peterson. We won't go there. But that guy really did NOT want a child and sadly Lacey Peterson found out the hard way how serious he was about that fact when she did....
Nobody is going to function as "equals" to one another when the former "servant" is basically functioning out of a mentality that screams "Now it's MY TURN to be the Master here!"
And guess what? That's what a toxic and codependent relationship looks like! You get to the be the "Master" for however long in my life---and then we flip! I then get to be the "Master" for however long in your life! Huh?! Yep, that's how SO MANY codependent people in relationship with each other do actually roll!
And it's exhausting! And it's so damaging! And it's so dysfunctional!
As I've mentioned in a previous post, our relationship life does NOT have to get and be reduced down to "Seduction" "Self-Serving Negotiations" and "Fighting". That's what highly codependent people do all the time! Even in their platonic relationships! "You're the greatest!" "I'm SO glad I met you!" "You are SO smart!" (Seduction) And yet as that seduction phase goes on....it's like watching the roosters or the dogs in the ring sizing each other up before they go to war with each other. Who will come out the "winner" (Master) here? Well, that's how it is. Hate to tell you, but that IS how it is when people are blind to treating each other as EQUALS first and always no matter what the nature of their relationship is or how it may develop over time!
Ultimately, when I allow you to be the boss of me, I am allowing you to make my decisions for me and I am allowing you to alleviate the burden of me having to pursue and "do" my own daily load of personal responsibilities. Instead, I do what you tell me to do. I don't do what you tell me not to do. I live in accordance to your vision for my life, instead of God's (meaning the "real" God, not you!). Like the bumper sticker says "There is a God, but you're not Him!"
Remember that. Otherwise, it all ends up in tears.
Until next post....