When I was a kid, I remember some strange man coming up to our porch one summer afternoon and looking right at me through our screen door as I sat on our living room couch. He told me to go get my mother and, when I did, he asked her to give him a sandwich and something to drink because he was hungry. Nobody else was home but she and I; she quickly went into the kitchen and came back with bag---which she handed to him through the door. I don't know if she knew him at all or not; I don't even know if she said anything to him as part of their encounter. All I knew then as I do now is that the experience was beyond confusing for me. I mean, if that was all it took to get something to eat from a total stranger---I was in! On the other hand, if we were just unknowingly filmed for the latest episode of "Candid Camera", where was Allen Funt? As it turned out, my mother dismissed the whole circumstance as "situation normal" and left it at that. For me, it marked the beginnings of my own conscious investigation into what motivates people to give to others...and why.
A friend of mine said just tonite that this practice of knocking on doors for food was very common during the times when hobos traveled by train (by jumping on and off them that is). Given that a train ran right across the street from where I grew up, this may have been the explanation for what happened that day in my life nearly a half century ago. All I know is that my mother did what she was asked and did it swiftly and without question. To assume she gave food to this man out of a sense of brotherly love is pushing it; I think she was scared witless.
Giving out of a sense of fear is nothing new. Once when a friend of mine was held up at gun point not even a block from the school where she taught, she truly believed she would die over the contents of her purse. Another was pushed hard to the ground the first (and thankfully last!) time she was mugged while returning a video to Blockbuster.
There is, however, another type of fear that motivates a person to give which can lead to the proverbial "lose lose" situation. In these instances, the fine art of the fleece can and does cut both ways. The giver is motivated to give because of fears within his or her own heart that often go unrecognized and unspoken; the taker is motivated to receive because of fears that, if recognized, would probably lead to more mayhem for the giver than the fleecing process itself! Oh what a codependent trap we weave when we practice to deceive---and that deception is literally a two-way street leading nowhere good....
Let's look at Norma. A widow for many years, Norma used to be and feel relevant. Having been married for over forty years to a man who was traditionally and conservatively bent, Norma bore five of his children and made a lifestyle out of loving and serving others first. As Norma attempted to teach her family how to comfortably serve others as she had...she had instead taught them to become comfortable with being served by her. After the children left to raise families of their own, Norma's husband suddenly died of heart failure in his early 70s. Norma felt completely lost without him. After several months of feeling like an emotional zombie, Norma decided to call a local handyman to come fix something she felt her son-in-law couldn't be bothered with. The next thing you know, Norma and her new handyman "George" were seen having breakfast together at the local diner---which Norma pays for. The next thing you know after that, Norma is taking George out for early-bird dinner on Tuesday nights. Mind you, George is the same age as Norma's youngest daughter, but who cares when George is such GOOD company and really seems to genuinely cherish Norma's friendship (in Norma's mind that is!). Do you see where this train is heading friends? $375,000 and some years later, Norma still can't believe that George fleeced her along with several other "elderly" single females from their same town. "He's my friend!" Norma continues to declare to this very day. "He's my friend and he would NEVER intentionally deceive me!" Okay Norma. Whatever you say....
Norma is not unlike so many others who have used their own "giving" to buy attention---and a relationship. Norma, by the way, didn't invent this concept; it's been around for centuries. Norma, in this case, happened to be an elderly woman...but this mutual-fleecing process goes on regardless of one's age, socio-economic status, ethnicity, or educational background. Norma wanted attention. Norma also wanted to feel good about herself. Norma needed to be needed; even when someone like George showed up in all his nefarious glory with smooth words and smoother lies. Unfortunately for Norma, her adult children were too embarrassed to pursue legal action against George and have otherwise been too busy to agree on any next-step strategies...
The fine art of the fleece isn't always about innocent victims being taken by surprise by a big bad wolf. Often times, we're talking about two wolves from different packs who find each other---with one just being a bit more adamant about what they want to get from the other---and when. Ultimately, some of us are willing to pay a very heavy price for things we should have been able to receive freely all along. Whomever said you can't buy or hurry love sure was speaking the truth. Yet for as long as people are willing to live in denial about what makes for a good and healthy relationship, we will always find the wolves---and the the fine art of the fleece---ever-present in our culture.
A friend of mine said just tonite that this practice of knocking on doors for food was very common during the times when hobos traveled by train (by jumping on and off them that is). Given that a train ran right across the street from where I grew up, this may have been the explanation for what happened that day in my life nearly a half century ago. All I know is that my mother did what she was asked and did it swiftly and without question. To assume she gave food to this man out of a sense of brotherly love is pushing it; I think she was scared witless.
Giving out of a sense of fear is nothing new. Once when a friend of mine was held up at gun point not even a block from the school where she taught, she truly believed she would die over the contents of her purse. Another was pushed hard to the ground the first (and thankfully last!) time she was mugged while returning a video to Blockbuster.
There is, however, another type of fear that motivates a person to give which can lead to the proverbial "lose lose" situation. In these instances, the fine art of the fleece can and does cut both ways. The giver is motivated to give because of fears within his or her own heart that often go unrecognized and unspoken; the taker is motivated to receive because of fears that, if recognized, would probably lead to more mayhem for the giver than the fleecing process itself! Oh what a codependent trap we weave when we practice to deceive---and that deception is literally a two-way street leading nowhere good....
Let's look at Norma. A widow for many years, Norma used to be and feel relevant. Having been married for over forty years to a man who was traditionally and conservatively bent, Norma bore five of his children and made a lifestyle out of loving and serving others first. As Norma attempted to teach her family how to comfortably serve others as she had...she had instead taught them to become comfortable with being served by her. After the children left to raise families of their own, Norma's husband suddenly died of heart failure in his early 70s. Norma felt completely lost without him. After several months of feeling like an emotional zombie, Norma decided to call a local handyman to come fix something she felt her son-in-law couldn't be bothered with. The next thing you know, Norma and her new handyman "George" were seen having breakfast together at the local diner---which Norma pays for. The next thing you know after that, Norma is taking George out for early-bird dinner on Tuesday nights. Mind you, George is the same age as Norma's youngest daughter, but who cares when George is such GOOD company and really seems to genuinely cherish Norma's friendship (in Norma's mind that is!). Do you see where this train is heading friends? $375,000 and some years later, Norma still can't believe that George fleeced her along with several other "elderly" single females from their same town. "He's my friend!" Norma continues to declare to this very day. "He's my friend and he would NEVER intentionally deceive me!" Okay Norma. Whatever you say....
Norma is not unlike so many others who have used their own "giving" to buy attention---and a relationship. Norma, by the way, didn't invent this concept; it's been around for centuries. Norma, in this case, happened to be an elderly woman...but this mutual-fleecing process goes on regardless of one's age, socio-economic status, ethnicity, or educational background. Norma wanted attention. Norma also wanted to feel good about herself. Norma needed to be needed; even when someone like George showed up in all his nefarious glory with smooth words and smoother lies. Unfortunately for Norma, her adult children were too embarrassed to pursue legal action against George and have otherwise been too busy to agree on any next-step strategies...
The fine art of the fleece isn't always about innocent victims being taken by surprise by a big bad wolf. Often times, we're talking about two wolves from different packs who find each other---with one just being a bit more adamant about what they want to get from the other---and when. Ultimately, some of us are willing to pay a very heavy price for things we should have been able to receive freely all along. Whomever said you can't buy or hurry love sure was speaking the truth. Yet for as long as people are willing to live in denial about what makes for a good and healthy relationship, we will always find the wolves---and the the fine art of the fleece---ever-present in our culture.