Receiving the Short End...

There are many of us in this life who have gotten used to receiving the short end of most sticks.  That is to say we are not well understood enough, not respected enough, and not assertive enough to ensure that our own needs are being satisfied to a reasonable extent.  Put another way, we put up with all sorts of crap because we are afraid of being dumped or estranged from (insert name of person who matters more than we do here)...

Today's blog post is about turning this trend around in our own lives, which begins by recognizing when we are, in fact, taking hold of the short end of any stick.

Let's take a look at "Susan" (not her real name) and "Jeff" (ditto!).  They have been boyfriend and girlfriend for over 30 years.  Both were previously married, both divorced.  Jeff has grown children;  Susan has none. For Susan, meeting Jeff back in the day was magical because he personified all that she hoped for in a partner.  He was ruggedly handsome, had a Harley and liked to ride, and didn't put up with anybody else's garbage.  Susan was of course shocked that Jeff even looked twice in her direction when they first met;  she had been through a string of broken relationships with men who cheated on her.  To have someone as "hot" as Jeff showing an interest made Susan feel like she was ten feet tall.  So they began dating...and dating some more...and before six months were up, Jeff moved into Susan's apartment.

As you read this brief introductory synopsis into Susan and Jeff's initial meeting and relationship...are there any red flags that pop up for you?  There should be.  Jeff, for one thing, has been perceived as a "prize" in Susan's mind.  Susan, for another thing, doesn't think much of herself as a prize of any sort.   Susan has a history with men who cheated.  Susan feels real good about herself by having Jeff around.  Susan takes Jeff into her home within six months' time.  And 30 years later...there they still are.

Susan always wanted to be married and have a family.  She talked about having children of her own ever since she was 18 years old.  "I wanted ten kids back then...kind of funny to realize now how idealistic I was about children."  Yet---when Susan was 30 years old and met Jeff, she neglected to tell him about her dream of one day having children of her own.  "Well, he already had three kids and would talk about them and his ex wife like they were always squeezing him for more of everything."  Another red flag.  Susan never mentioned her desire for children because Jeff's narrative already included them and he didn't seem too happy about it.

Over time, Susan learned to bend herself more to Jeff's will than her own.  "Jeff is a great guy, don't get me wrong...but he has no problem saying "NO!" to anything he isn't interested in."  What about Susan?  Is she equally assertive about what she does or doesn't want?  "Well, I just figured that Jeff being so larger than life as he is...there wasn't really room for a woman to be butting heads with him.  Actually, that's what caused him to divorce his first wife anyway.  She was a horrible nag."  Red flag!  Red flag!  Red flag!  Yet, did Susan see these flags?  Of course not.  In spite of 30 years living under Susan's roof, in spite of their lives being an homage to all that Jeff was about and interested in, and in spite of Susan's own string of ongoing disappointments about what she hoped for, wanted, and needed---but rarely received, Susan was still "in it to win it" with Jeff.

The term doormat comes to mind, as does codependent giver/martyr, as does woman without a clue. BUT...it's Susan's life right?  If she wants to be consistently receiving the short end of any stick, so she shall for as long as it's there for her to grab onto.

What about you?  Are you someone who has put up with everything and anything...while standing for nothing, least of all yourself?  Why is that?  Do you want help for this issue in your life?  If so, that's what I and others like me are here for:  to provide assistance in getting you from where you are now---to that better place and space inside yourself.  You matter.  You have always mattered.  Perhaps it's time to get the right kind of help so you can learn to take the best care of YOU without first accepting that short end...

Until next time.

Q&A to Me....From You!

"Hi.  I don't know why I keep thinking about my ex boyfriend and wanting to be with him again.  I don't have anyone now that I like "better", though I am dating.  I keep comparing whomever I am with now to him, and it's kinda driving me crazy.  My ex boyfriend cheated on me, he drank too much, and he didn't really have a plan for his future.  So what's wrong with me?"

When we think we have found our soulmate, it is very easy to focus on everything that is good about him or her.  "She's so hilarious;  she makes me laugh like nobody else!"  "He's so brilliant; he can fix anything just by reading about it!"  Yet, as is true for any one of us...nobody is perfect.  Nobody is going to be consistently think, feel, or behave in the ways we would like them to.  Even if we are Charlie Cheerleader for that person some or most of the time---we can't control or change anybody else's negative qualities, only our own.  So that's the first thing.

Having said this, we also often pick people to be with who seem to possess MOST of the qualities we like and want, based on everyone that came before him or her.  So...if your mom was the comedienne...your dad was tall and dark...your sister is a gourmet cook...your best friend is your best secret keeper...your last "ex" was a musician and you loved that about him/her...(etc. etc. etc.)...these qualities all add up to "What I'm looking for.." without us even being consciously aware of it.  Of course if we then go to a party and meet Mr. or Ms. "Comedienne/tall/dark/gourmet cook/secret keeper/musician"...ALL sorts of fireworks will go off like the 4th of July.  Because we are who we are, we might not even know if we have ten things on our "perfect mate" list...or five...or twenty-five!  But we all, each of us, do keep a mental checklist of these things!  So---for you with your ex boyfriend, the chances are very great that he hit on "most" of the items on your list and this is why you are missing him so much.  Until you become truly comfortable and confident being alone...and understanding what qualities you truly want...and truly will not accept...your chances of repeating the pattern you've established so far in choosing a significant other is pretty high.  So become aware of your "hit list" (in both directions!)...and make sure you are loving yourself fully before you go about attempting to find love with someone else.

"I thought I was getting along really well with my sister-in-law for all these years until she wigged out on me last week about everything.  For example, she talked about how I never bring anything but ice cream to family parties at her house.  She talked about how we have parties here when her and my brother are out of town how dare us.  After she finished ranting at me, all I could think of was why did she assume I was supposed to think about her and her family's well being before I even think about myself or my own family?  They have an autistic teenage son who has issues with violent outbursts..but I don't know if that has anything to do with what she said to me (?). Help!"

You bet it does.  Anyone with a special needs child is under tremendous daily stress and pressure that few can fully understand.  Even though your sister in law and brother may behave like they are coping well enough at family events or when you see them outside of their home, believe me...they are consistently being challenged.  This is why when working with parents of special needs' kids, I stress the importance of ongoing state as well as community-based support/interventions throughout the child's life.  Here in Michigan, special needs children are eligible to receive educational and living skills-related support services through age 26. Tragically, affected parents may know this and reject these sources of available help...or not know such support exists in the first place...or need more than what they are currently receiving!  As an example, an autistic child of any age should NOT be biting, hitting, or throwing violent fits, period.  These clearly zero tolerance behaviors CAN be managed appropriately through ongoing and consistent intervention with a trained professional.  For parents who basically throw up their hands and say "We can't do anything about this!"..that is a lie!  What they mean is "We're too tired!  We need more help!"...which is the truth.

Everything else you have mentioned has to do with your sister in law's heightened expectations.  Special needs parents, left unchecked, will expect a whole lot more from others they feel close to without being consciously aware.  They may also expect more grace for such things as being late, forgetting to do this or that, inability to call or text "back" when contacted, blah blah blah.  You know, kind of like how it would be if you were personally connected to a celebrity or superstar.  It's all about them and all "else" they have to do and be about on a daily basis.

At this juncture, you may want to suggest that you and your sister in law see an objective third party to talk through your issues and, hopefully, reconcile your differing expectations of one another.  In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to read up on codependency and the codependent lifestyle in better understanding how easy it is for us (all of us!) to fall into the codependent trap as a way of functioning in our close personal relationships.

"I am a 65 year old male and am extremely lonely.  I don't have any really close friends anymore (for a number of reasons) and it's getting more and more difficult for me to even do the things I used to enjoy (hiking, biking, going to concerts, etc.).  Life has become more of a chore than anything else.  Is there any kind of help for me...or am I just supposed to suck it all up and forget about it?"

Yes, there is help for you..and no you aren't supposed to suck it all up and forget about it.  When we find ourselves not being able to do what we once enjoyed...and/or find that the things that used to give us pleasure don't anymore..it's time to ask for help.  Anhedonia is a real condition...and one of the hallmark symptoms of depression.  If you aren't sure about this, ask yourself how often you "Yes, but.." yourself.  "Yes, I should be spending more time out of the house, BUT..."  When you have gotten into the habit of yes-butting yourself, chances are very high that you are feeling depressed.  Depression can range from being acute in nature (something "happened" and now you are depressed about it for a time) to an ongoing form of one or more major mood disorder(s).  Whatever the case, you can contact your nearest community mental health (CMH) provider if you cannot otherwise afford psychotherapy or are on Medicaid;  you may also contact local universities' psychological services clinics to see what they can offer you at a reduced fee.  If you have health insurance with a mental health benefit, you can go to www.psychologytoday.com and find a licensed psychotherapist in your zip code area which includes practitioner photos and bios for your review and evaulation.  Hope this helps.

If you have a question for me that you want answered, you can email me at yourweeklysession@hotmail.com to my attention.  Thanks and have a great week!