Have You Been Naughty...or Nice? And Why...?

The holidays can bring out both the best and worst in us.  Calls to psychotherapists' offices typically take a jump in both November and December.  People inherently know that they must prepare for whatever is coming, be that anticipation positive or negative in nature.  Today, I would like to talk about the motivation behind our ability to behave both "naughty" and "nice".  Why do we behave as we do in any given moment? Why is it that one minute we can benevolently give to someone else without any expectations attached...but then scream at our teenager the next minute for not loading the dishwasher last night?  Perhaps if we can better understand why we say and do the things we do, we will be motivated to practice what is best for best's sake...and not merely our own.

First, let's take a look at why we are "good" when we choose to behave this way.  Does behaving as a "good" person make you feel good about yourself?  If you agree, you are not alone.  Many people choose to be good because of how it makes them feel.  Which is fine.  No law against that.  

Next, there are those of us who are "good" because we expect something back for all that goodness we put out there.  Does this sound strange?  It shouldn't.  Don't you remember my past posts about codependent giving and what all that entailed?  When we give give and give some more to others, what we want in return is their (1) acceptance, (2) approval, and (3) like/love.  When we don't get what we are expecting, there can be h-e-double hockey sticks to pay.  To complicate matters further, we may give to one person in our life without truly expecting anything back (like a sister who has MS, or a father with dementia)...but then double down on our expectations of someone else in our life (like our spouse, like our kid(s), like our best friend). All this good deeds stuff ultimately leaves us feeling hurt, angry, lonely, guilty, and ashamed.  Why?  Because we feel like we are martyring ourselves and nobody is even noticing.  Welcome to the codependent givers club just sayin'...

Third, there is a market of humanity who are "good" because we are rule followers and like to live by whatever rules our fellow human beings have established for the larger community we are part of.  Being "good" serves to maintain order, keep the peace, and basically promotes everyone living life to its fullest...while staying in their own lane.  Sounds good in theory for sure, but in practice---not so much.  As soon as we are on the receiving end of someone else's "But it felt good to me!", we realize that not too many are very good about staying in their own lane!

For those who ascribe to a spiritual world view that offers a faith-based approach towards life and relationships, being "good" represents a way to serve God, in accordance with His will for us.  The world is loud;  we seek to hear His voice and direction in spite of the cacophony around us.  We do good because we feel led to...and without strings attached to our giving.  We do good because we want to...and without strings attached to our giving.  And we do good because we have to....because we love the God and seek to obey His commandments.  

Being naughty....or being nice....no matter "why" we behave as we do, we will still feel the pinch of disappointment, the slap of anger, and of course the punches of resentment and bitterness.  And in spite of all, we will still need to move forward in the way that's best....for best's sake.  To be good is to be authentic, to be honest, and to be forgiving too.  Nobody exists on this earth merely to serve us and our own needs...nor do we exist merely to serve the needs of one or more others.  It is okay to practice saying "No, sorry I can't do that for you now.." or "Maybe later if I have the time..." or "I'll have to get back with you on that.."  AS we also learn to accept hearing these same responses when we have asked for something from someone else.

Why indeed.  Because we are human, that's why.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

  

Preppin' and Steppin'.....

My husband and I had the opportunity to go see Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, and Jordan Smith perform the other night at the Fox Theater in downtown Detroit.  It was their Christmas Spectacular show.  Never before have we kicked off Christmas so soon after Thanksgiving by attending something like this.  It was fabulous. (Thank you Dr. Gail!)  Which leads me to today's blog post about preppin' (for the holidays ahead) and steppin' (into joy and out of the abyss!)...

After seeing Amy Grant (who I never saw before live;  she's so good!)...I decided to download her latest CD from this year so I could listen to it here at home.  Music, for me personally, has always been a very very dear friend of mine.  No matter what is going on in my life (including a knee replacement in '14, cancer in '15, and another knee replacement in '16)...music has always been the best balm for my aching soul.  As it so happens, this month's issue of "First" magazine had Amy G. on its cover as part of a feature story about how she copes with the holidays.  One of her ways to meditate is to stop herself when she feels the "chatter" in her head is getting the best of her, lie down on the floor face down, arms and legs spread out, while saying to herself "You are loved.." until she feels more relaxed.  She mentions that once she gets back up, she'll check herself to see if that inner-dialogue of chatter returns and, if so, she's back on the ground to repeat the cycle yet again.  I thought Grant's method was a great way to emotionally, physically, and spiritually go before God for comfort and peace.  I also feel it is an excellent means of re-booting our brain so as to focus on what truly matters as opposed to what we let distract us from reality.  As soon as I can get down on the floor without being stuck there, I'd like to try this myself!

We all have ways that we have used to manage our stress during the busy holiday season.  Some of those ways have worked for us quite well;  others, not so much.  I know of a young lady who lost her first baby only days after his birth earlier this year;  she has started and online blog to support other grieving moms. For Christmas, she has created an angel tree with ornaments to memorialize her son and the other sons and daughters of those moms she has "met" through her blog.  Hers is a beautiful expression of how grief and joy can still co-exist as we remember both our blessings past and present---and our losses.

I am also reminded of the corporate executive who has realized that spending the holidays in a booze-soaked haze hasn't exactly represented his best work.  Married now for the 3rd time and seriously considering divorce, he is almost too comfortably familiar with Hell and all of its highways and byways.  Yet, as he is now practicing sobriety for the first time in many many years, he has mentioned seemingly insignificant experiences which have given him hope.  "I just noticed people's Christmas lights in our sub the other night;  I don't ever remember being able to slow down like that and just enjoy what's right before my eyes."  Yes, to slow down and to be still, that is a skill.  In spite of the fact that our world is extremely loud, we can still learn to cultivate an attitude of inner calm, peace, and serenity.  To be at peace does not mean to be in a place where there are no storms.  Instead, it means to remain calm in spite of the storms and know that they always eventually pass.  To be at peace also means that we can actively look for and find joy in the little things that we take the time to notice.  A baby smiling at us while we are in line at Meijer's, a friend coming by unexpectedly with a pot of homemade soup, or organizing our stuff and donating what we don't use anymore to our favorite charity.  There are all kinds of ways for us to smile from the inside out;  we just have to pay more attention to the good stuff that goes on around us every single day---or make it happen by our own steam.

Today at lunch, being nearly 60 degrees on November 29th in SE Michigan...a friend of mine was planning to go on a bike ride this afternoon.  Good for him.  That makes him smile from the inside out.  When I was at Physical Therapy, I decided to invite my PT to my upcoming Christmas cookie exchange;  she's been a wonderful ally in my recovery from this year's knee replacement.  We both smiled at the idea of being together somewhere where she isn't stretching my leg up to the ceiling or pounding on my IT band.  See what I mean?  We can all find joy in all sorts of moments we experience throughout our days and nights.  We just have to focus ourselves and be open to receiving them---and/or generating them!

When I came home from lunch, one of my joyous moments this afternoon was going out in our front yard and knockin' back the fountain grass (sawing it off!) in preparation for next Spring.  Believe me, there is nothing worse than Spring getting here and having to deal with all that dead and overgrown fountain grass as one of the "first jobs" of the new season.  Beyond that, I cut back our rose bush, replaced the wreaths on our front doors for Christmas...and remained glad it was nearly 60 degrees with no rain and no snow!  Even if it comes tomorrow (the rain or the snow that is!)...I can get my groove on with my light box, my music, and my pumpkin coffee with whipped cream on top!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays...before Dec. 1st has even arrived!  ;-)