In my work as a psychotherapist, I often get the opportunity to talk to my clients about fear. As human beings, we all know what it feels like to be afraid. Some of the things that scare us are very obvious to us and we have no problem talking about them. "I hate spiders.." or "I don't do airplanes.." or "I'm claustrophobic.." etc. etc. Yet when it comes down to identifying our "core" fear(s) (of which there are only three to choose from while we're here on earth to experience them!), we usually have no clue about them. I'm here now to help you understand and identify for yourself "Which fear are you?". By doing so, you may be better able to recognize what made you say what you said or do what you did (and often times over and over again) which ultimately hurt you---or those around you.
Imagine I came over to your house tomorrow and said the following: "We're leaving now for the desert. Don't worry, there's a little house for you there that will provide you with all the creature comforts you need for the next year. You'll have everything you need to eat and drink. You'll have a television set to watch and a radio to listen to...but your ability to communicate with another human being will be gone. No visitors, no phone calls, and no internet chat. For one year this will be your life. So...are you ready to go?"
The above scenario represents your first "choice". Here's the second:
"We're still leaving now for the desert and you'll still get your little house out there. Again, everything you need will be made available to you. But coming along with us will be your new best friend (insert name here). Your new BFF will not leave your side throughout the time you are together. Unlike other best friends you may have had during your lifetime or have right now, this new best friend will be all about needing you. Needing you to listen...needing you to provide comfort....needing you to offer advice...just needing you 24/7 for the next year. But hey....at least you won't be alone right? So let's get ready and go!"
Which of the two above-mentioned scenarios "scares" you the most? To be away for a year without another soul to interact with---or to be away for a year with someone who needs you 24/7 in satisfying their own wants and desires?
If you picked the first scenario, your "core" fear has to do with the fear of abandonment. Inothewords, you fear feeling and being left completely alone in this world. Even though you may have a faith-based world view (ie: "God is always with me.."), you need hands and feet to go with your reality. For individuals who struggle with fear of abandonment, we see all kinds of (for lack of a better term) squirrely behaviors to go along with it. People with this fear will pretty much put up with anything in order to just "have someone around"---whether that someone is a friend or a family member or a significant other. There are many other dysfunctional behaviors that go along with the fear of abandonment...but we need to move on.
If you picked the second scenario as most frightening, you are struggling with a fear of engulfment. Fear of engulfment is that feeling of being swallowed up by someone else's needs, wants, and desires. Everything becomes about that other person wanting a piece of you in order to...??? Whatever! To perhaps feel good about themselves....to feel safe....to feel cared for...to feel happy... With this type of relational dynamic, you are being viewed as a "god" in the life of that other person. You are the answer to every question they have---or will ever have. And for you, the thought of being on the receiving end of all that focus and attention is scarier than taking a long walk off a short pier.
For individuals who struggle with the fear of engulfment, a very common behavior we see in psychotherapy has to do with emotional unavailability. If I presume most anyone I get to know "better" will ultimately try to drain me dry or eat me up with their "drama"..., why should I work at developing or maintaining authentic emotional intimacy with them? That would only make things much worse! No, it would be much safer to just keep people at an emotional distance so I don't run the risk of getting them to "want" me or "like" me more than they already think they do!
So...we have fear of abandonment as one "core" fear you may struggle with most in your life---and we have the fear of engulfment as a second "core" fear. Last, but certainly not least, we have the fear of death. Otherwise known as the fear of nihilation.
If you've ever watched the movie "Solitary Man" with Michael Douglas, this movie is all about the fear of death/nihilation. With this particular core fear, people exhibit all kinds of dysfunctional behaviors. At one end of this spectrum is the "save the world/leave an eternal mark on it" kinda folks. At the other end is the "party like a rock star and to hell with what I "gotta" do" kinda folks. In "Solitary Man", Michael Douglas is bent in the way of the rock star...at 60 years old no less.
In therapy, once you know what your core fear is (more than the other two presented here), you become free to identify and work through the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are basically born out of this fear. And once you are able to do that, you are experiencing the process of setting yourself free. Free to live a life that is rooted in reality, peace, joy, and thankfulness for all that you are---and all that you have been given...
Until we meet again..
