In my last post I talked about the three "core" fears anyone in this life struggles with to some extent or another. Ultimately, every person on the planet has "one" of these three core fears that, to put it bluntly, freaks them out the most more than any other. Once you have identified which "fear" you are...now you can begin the process of collapsing that fear so it no longer impacts your irrational thoughts, associated feelings, and dysfunctional behaviors to the extent it once did.
Yes, that's right. I said "so it no longer impacts your IRRATIONAL thoughts, ASSOCIATED feelings, and DYSFUNCTIONAL behaviors to the extent it once did". You see, your core fear is a funny thing. It's not like you go around in life saying to people, "Hi, I'm Mary and my core fear is fear of abandonment...SO NEVER LEAVE ME o.k.?" Of course we don't. Nor do we introduce ourselves socially by confessing, "Hi. I know how to play nice and give you what you want within reason...but you better not mistake me for Jesus or I'm outta here!" No, we don't exactly do that either. Lastly, for the folks who literally fear death/nihilation the most, do you think they walk through life warning, "Hey...I'm all about using you up like a tube of toothpaste so long as you make me feel alive!"
What we DO do is come up with all kinds of irrational thoughts ("If I want to befriend someone, they can't ever leave me." "If someone needs me, they can't need me too much or I'll have to dump them." and lastly, "People are a lot like drugs; they can make you feel better fast until they don't work anymore!")...associated feelings ("This feels like I'm going to die being alone like this!" "I feel like I'm being eaten alive here!" and lastly, "Well, the novelty has worn off this one...time for a new playmate!")....and dysfunctional behavior(s) (Calling up your "new" friend 20 times until they pick up their phone; putting up with a physically abusive spouse; putting up with that needy and never-able-to-reciprocate friend, etc. etc. Conversely, fear of engulfment folks may not "notice" how they cut people off, aren't willing to talk through differences, and/or are just "fine thank you very much" being alone much of the time. Lastly, the fear of death/nihilation posse who can't ever run quite fast enough, or party hard enough, or be philanthropic enough to outwit death when it finally comes...
At this juncture, I hope you are making some connections as to how your own thoughts, rooted in your core fear, can and do lead to feelings and behaviors that ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU! Besides that, these same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors ARE NOT GOOD FOR OTHERS EITHER! Do you get that? Good! Now it's time to get rolling and make some positive changes that last!
One day at a time...one challenge at a time. If Rome wasn't built in a day, how come you have to get "fixed" and "be" better by tomorrow? Quit being so hard on yourself! How about getting into therapy with a qualified and LICENSED practitioner who can authentically help you journey your way through the healing and recovery process? Believe me, I've worked with enough individuals to know when I do my job---and you do your job---you WILL heal, positively change, and grow.
In the meantime, when you find yourself thinking about your thinking...please don't automatically assume that what you think does in no way STINK. Because often times, it does!
