Let me first say that this post is being focused on "social" video chat interactions...NOT those to do with work or in some other professional capacity. In those situations, there is a meeting facilitator assigned to ensure that any inappropriate behaviors are immediately managed (except for the one guy who showed up naked for his team meeting on Zoom and didn't realize how walking away for a moment would require an eyeball wash among his viewing co-workers!)
No, today's post is about how to manage "family" zoom sessions...or video chat sessions with friends or social groups.
First, be aware of your "numbers". Up to four people is easily manageable. When you go beyond four, there has to be some structure established or things can get squirrely very quickly. For example, the "group" which meets once a month or so (gardening friends, book group, movie club, neighbors on such-and-such street, etc.). How does the group manage the one (or two or three!) people who appear to be missing an "Off" button, and who are braggarts or blowhards of the first order? This is a difficult challenge to be sure. Why? Because the "Can't shut up and stop talking about me me me or my man man man or my kids kids kids or my grandkids grandkids grandkids!" person is NOT going to change! That's the first thing to keep in mind.
Let's face it, some people are most definitely addicted to certain people in their lives (we call that codependency by the way!)...and they have no plans to detox anytime soon! As such, it becomes important to re-direct the conversation away from their never-ending blatting onto someone else---or something else. Not that this will stop them from doing what they do again (and again and again!)...but at least they MAY eventually understand that if they go too long---so-and-so from the group will change the subject and re-direct the conversation on to someone or something else. Pick that person who will be the "re-director" in advance of your sessions with each other. Seriously. Maybe it will be you, maybe it will be someone else from the group. Do it. If you don't...you all will continue to suffer!
Let's face it, some people are most definitely addicted to certain people in their lives (we call that codependency by the way!)...and they have no plans to detox anytime soon! As such, it becomes important to re-direct the conversation away from their never-ending blatting onto someone else---or something else. Not that this will stop them from doing what they do again (and again and again!)...but at least they MAY eventually understand that if they go too long---so-and-so from the group will change the subject and re-direct the conversation on to someone or something else. Pick that person who will be the "re-director" in advance of your sessions with each other. Seriously. Maybe it will be you, maybe it will be someone else from the group. Do it. If you don't...you all will continue to suffer!
Conversely, if your social group has difficulty with people not opening up and talking at all unless asked specifically to answer specific questions...this issue is actually quite easy to resolve. Assign one or two session "hosts" who will get the ball rolling and continuing to roll throughout your meeting. This is especially helpful with clubs or special interest and hobby groups that meet. "We thought we'd start by asking each of you to talk about..... Please limit your response to no more than three minutes. We can ask questions after everyone is finished responding and before we move on to the next topic." This isn't about being in control; this is about creating and maintaining a social environment that fosters mutual respect and mutually beneficial outcomes.
With family, there is this typically unspoken "pecking order" which suggests that "So-and-So" is the Chief (or Chieftess) with everyone else fitting into some pre-determined slot along an invisible descending hierarchy. (Favorite son, daughter, or grandchild "next"...2nd favorite son, daughter, or grandchild to follow...etc. etc. until we get to the biggest loser in the family (or least acknowledged!) and their descendants..). Do I sound harsh? Wake up. Anyone who has more than one child...or sibling...knows what I am talking about here! Let alone the "in laws" who were born into some "other" family altogether! Funny how we all know when we are being dismissed, treated as if we are invisible, or harshly judged for whatever it is we say during one of these types of sessions! And remind me why we wonder how screwed up people can be as part of any larger community? We learn all about dysfunction from our FAMILY SYSTEM! Period! Don't get it twisted.
Many times, the best "strategy" in zooming or facetiming with anybody is to keep your sessions small in spite of what you want...or what your mom or dad or granny wants and expects. If grandma is addicted to you and your family---that's fine. Just zoom with her and vice versa! At least she'll be more positive than negative (we hope!), even if she feels free to try telling you how to think, feel, and behave 24/7! (LOL!)
Another issue, regardless if you are video chatting with family, friends, neighbors, or acquaintances from a group---is to STOP before you THINK and then SPEAK. Until you make this a habit, you will be tempted to say what immediately comes to your mind, instead of appropriately censoring yourself and/or responding appropriately.
Just the other night, an acquaintance of mine made a snarky remark to me after I was asked what I did that day by our session host. This particular acquaintance has done this so often with me, it has been noticed by others in the group. Now, me being me, I COULD have responded to her by saying "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME LADY?!" ---but no, I did not. What I say to myself is this: "Damn! Is she a miserable person or what?!" (And the answer to that question is "Yes! She is!") Grant it, her misery has nothing to do with me, but obviously my presence on video chat triggers her for some reason or another.
Listen up folks, whatever lies behind someone else's harsh judgments, false accusations, or nasty remarks directed at you, yourself--remember this: You didn't CAUSE their dysfunction, you can't CONTROL their dysfunction, and you sure as *$) can't CURE their dysfunction. It's not about you at all in these moments. BUT---you sure can say (if you choose!) out loud: "Wow, that's an interesting remark Karen! What made you say that to me just now?" That IS an appropriate response and one I have mentioned in my blog here MANY times!
When someone says or does something to instantly cause a "?!?!??!?!" within your heart and spirit---it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to ask them "Gee, interesting! What made you say that just now?" "I saw what you just did, but I don't understand what you meant by that. Can you explain it to me?" etc. etc. etc. Let that other person TELL you why they just behaved like a thoughtless fool. If they don't, at least they have become aware that you are NOT afraid to confront them in a very gentle, and yet direct manner whenever they personally offend you!
In spite of all, we do need each other. We are all trying to just walk one another home during this difficult and challenging time in our lives. COVID-19 is no joke nor is it some conspiracy theory meant to ruin our lives and plans. It just happened. Never forget, it isn't what happened that matters most in this life, it is how we respond in the aftermath that matters most. Don't be a jerk. Don't be a fool. And don't be ugly. When you take out your frustrations on other people, you are spreading your OWN pain around like a virus! Stop it! Practice being kind AND practice telling the truth both at the same time! That's the only way to roll. Kindness without truth is like letting the genuinely guilty go free. Truth without kindness is like a clanging gong. We need both together; the truth spoken kindly and graciously at all times and in all circumstances. So do that and stay strong! (Healthy too!)
Until next post....
Just the other night, an acquaintance of mine made a snarky remark to me after I was asked what I did that day by our session host. This particular acquaintance has done this so often with me, it has been noticed by others in the group. Now, me being me, I COULD have responded to her by saying "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME LADY?!" ---but no, I did not. What I say to myself is this: "Damn! Is she a miserable person or what?!" (And the answer to that question is "Yes! She is!") Grant it, her misery has nothing to do with me, but obviously my presence on video chat triggers her for some reason or another.
Listen up folks, whatever lies behind someone else's harsh judgments, false accusations, or nasty remarks directed at you, yourself--remember this: You didn't CAUSE their dysfunction, you can't CONTROL their dysfunction, and you sure as *$) can't CURE their dysfunction. It's not about you at all in these moments. BUT---you sure can say (if you choose!) out loud: "Wow, that's an interesting remark Karen! What made you say that to me just now?" That IS an appropriate response and one I have mentioned in my blog here MANY times!
When someone says or does something to instantly cause a "?!?!??!?!" within your heart and spirit---it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to ask them "Gee, interesting! What made you say that just now?" "I saw what you just did, but I don't understand what you meant by that. Can you explain it to me?" etc. etc. etc. Let that other person TELL you why they just behaved like a thoughtless fool. If they don't, at least they have become aware that you are NOT afraid to confront them in a very gentle, and yet direct manner whenever they personally offend you!
In spite of all, we do need each other. We are all trying to just walk one another home during this difficult and challenging time in our lives. COVID-19 is no joke nor is it some conspiracy theory meant to ruin our lives and plans. It just happened. Never forget, it isn't what happened that matters most in this life, it is how we respond in the aftermath that matters most. Don't be a jerk. Don't be a fool. And don't be ugly. When you take out your frustrations on other people, you are spreading your OWN pain around like a virus! Stop it! Practice being kind AND practice telling the truth both at the same time! That's the only way to roll. Kindness without truth is like letting the genuinely guilty go free. Truth without kindness is like a clanging gong. We need both together; the truth spoken kindly and graciously at all times and in all circumstances. So do that and stay strong! (Healthy too!)
Until next post....