Misery loves company. We've all heard that before right? But what do we do when we know the company we are keeping is, in fact, genuinely contributing to our miserable mental health status? Today's blog post is about how we can initially work to improve the quality of our "misery-bonded" relationships by our own intentional actions....
In general, I'm going to start by saying that in our important-enough personal relationships...we tend to act more like cowards that heroes when confronted by the "ick" of our chosen person's behavior(s). I certainly hear the complaints often enough in my office. The wife whose husband is both verbally and psychologically abusive, for example. "Well, he has provided very well for our family and isn't everybody verbally and emotionally abusive anyway?" (This. Would. Be. A. Wow. Moment!)
No, not everyone is verbally and emotionally abusive as a preferred communications-based lifestyle. After all, it's hard to see "how else" people can be when we insert ourselves into a lifestyle where we are surrounded by that which we presume is "normal" behavior. Think about that. For example, I grew up in a family "yellers". I had no idea how I myself morphed into a "yeller" until school friends started saying things to me like "Mary...quiet down you're too loud.." when we'd be sitting in Big Boy's and I was oblivious to my own decibel level. Well, here I am all these many decades later and I still find myself thinking at times, "I identify as a threat and my pronouns are "try" "me". :-P Whatever I learned about "yelling" as a kid, I normalized. Now, as a fully grown adult, I realize what "else" yelling taught me that I completely ignored until I found my own true identity. :-D
As a much better example and only recently, one of the former castmates from the Bravo series "Vanderpump Rules" separated from her husband (Jax and Brittany Taylor, for those who are wondering). This is because Jax has lost interest in having a sexual relationship with his wife after nine years (five of them married) and a two year old son together. Brittany is on the record as saying "I'm hot as hell and I'm not going to listen to this bull***t anymore" about Jax losing his libido. If you recall, when Jax was single and on VR, he made the Energizer Bunny look like a turtle. So what's up with Jax? All I know is that I can't remember a time in history when a celebu-tant has been so forthright publicly regarding this particular reason for pursuing marital separation. Good for her? Well, what is her alternative option? Yes, she can go to therapy on her own if her husband is refusing to join her; however, it does take two to tango and if he's done tango-ing....then a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do (?) You decide. If they didn't share a child together, it would be so much easier for her to just leave. Yet it is their precious son who will suffer the most if they can't work through the fissure(s) in their marital relationship...whatever else those may be and include.
Which leads to the adult children I see whose parents "did" stay together for "the sake of the child(ren)". If parents choose to be together and still fight like cats and dogs AS IF nobody else is/was watching...then who benefits from that daily/weekly sh** show of drama? Certainly not the child(ren)! I don't know why parents are so invested in believing that just because their child isn't in the same room, that nobody else can hear what they are screaming about to each other (?!) Contrary to popular belief, children do NOT want that front seat to parental drama, crisis, and chaos on an ongoing basis. Sadly, without actively working to break this pattern in their own adult lives, he/she/they will not break it themselves. End of.
How miserable is miserable enough? For many, it is when they take that first drink, snort, hit, taste, or drag off their drug of choice to self-medicate. I mean, haven't we learned this yet? When the noises inside our own heads become too much, we want to shut them up! When the numbness inside our own bodies becomes too much, we want to wake ourselves up! Those are the only choices we have when we choose drugs and/or alcohol to feel better fast. We want to either shut everything down and numb out...or we want to wake everything up and feel alive again. If you need to print up today's post and tape it to your bathroom mirror, go ahead! Life is so much more valuable than what we so often lead ourselves to believe. You are not the problem, but you are the solution to the problem!
Gaining a level of spiritual maturity is always part of the healing and recovery process. This is especially true for those of us who grew up in a war zone and have come to shut down any and all references to the "g" word (God!) in our lives. One great book to encourage us to find our spiritual purpose is "How to be An Adult in Relationships" by David Richo. In his book , Richo talks about the three things we all need to do in order to become more spiritually mature. Here they are for you now:
(1) to let go of ego
(2) to cultivate mindfulness
(3) to create an ethic of compassion
...and what does all of THAT mean? That will be the topic of my next blog post...