Mike Nichols, when alive, was a very famous guy. As the husband of long-time broadcast journalist Diane Sawyer, Nichols was no mere "Mr. Sawyer". As one of 21 individuals in this life who have been awarded the highest industry awards for their work in television, music, film, and theatre, Nichols achieved EGOT status after having received his Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award during his illustrious career. To give you a small glimpse of Nichols' talent, he was the most in-demand theatre director in the country going back to 1966. He was nominated a total of 42 times for the Oscar, and won seven of them. He directed or produced more than 25 Broadway plays. The first film he was invited to direct was "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf" starring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. If you have ever watched such films as "Barefoot in the Park", "The Graduate", "Silkwood", "Working Girl",and "Postcards from the Edge", you have seen Mike Nichols' work, just to name a handful.
So what does all of that have to do with today's blog post? Well, Nichols was an interesting guy who had been interviewed hundreds of times about his take on relationship life. One that intrigued me greatly had to do with his work in directing Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf, which I often refer married couples to watch as homework. In his interview about WAoVW, Nichols said that all marital relationship dynamics involve three things. Here are the three things: Seduction, (Self-Serving) Negotiations, and Fighting.
I agree. Which is a sad reality when you think about it. Nichols' bigger point was that we are all so codependent as people in our marital relationship lives, that we have no other basis of understanding but to function as Men or Women on a mission hoping that we will get what we want (when we want it!) which results in our own desired "I Win!" outcome. Any "I Win!" outcome translates to Win/Lose status (I won, and you lost!). The additional resulting outcomes of self-serving negotations can also include Lose/Win or Lose/Lose. (I lost, and you won!) and (I lost, and you lost also.). This does not make for a happy marriage when these outcomes translate to you and your spouse feeling like you each "lost" more times than you would care to count over the course of your relationship. And we wonder why the divorce rate keeps rising with each successive generation? Hah!
No talk or discussion of course when we operate this way in our marital relationship about how to achieve Win/Win outcome status. (I won, and you won also!) This is because no codependent person authentically knows how to successfully negotiate to the point of reaching mutually-satisfying compromises that lead to Win/Win status. Win/Win means you get some of what you want...and I get some of what I want also. In its way, pursing Win/Win outcome status is too difficult to for too many married couples who are most invested in being right instead of focusing on what's right. We just want what we want when we want it, dammit---and we have been conditioned to operate this way by those who came before us and surround us now! Self-serving negotiations is what comes most naturally to any of us; we have been conditioned to treat each other like objects instead of as equals----we so conveniently forget about what "mutual respect" in all things even is---and we are dishonest instead of being truthful in all exchanges of information and care with one another. No wonder our attempts at genuine "negotiations" based on equality, respect, and honesty go out the window! No wonder we do not know or understand what genuine "Into-Me-You-See" intimacy is or feels like when we are experiencing it! By the way, there are three forms of genuine intimacy for any couple: Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical. Emotional = honestly understanding each other's minds, Spiritual = honestly understanding each other's hearts, and Physical = honestly understanding each other's bodies. We become and are too busy focused on self-serving outcomes than to even think about what a "Win/Win" outcome actually looks like with our chosen partner.
Seduction is a tool to get what we want from others. With codependency, everybody treats each other including the way we treat ourselves, like objects. So if you are not an attractive or appealing or entertaining enough object, you're pretty much a sunk ship. I have often used the analogy of identifying what "type" of person doesn't have to worry about being seduced in today's modern world when we put SO much emphasis on how we present physically (and within 7 seconds no less!) to others. This is an unfortunate practice, because we do lose our humanity when we won't even engage with people who we immediately judge as being "beneath" our standards for seduction-worthy interaction(s). Am I kidding? No I am not.
You let me know the next time a stranger approaches you wanting to get to know you better or asks you out....and this person doing the asking is (1) old, (2) ugly, (3) disabled, (4) too fat or too thin, (5) of a racial/ethnic profile currently most reviled by the majority of people in this country, and (6) is not well spoken in one's own personal opinion. Notice I didn't even mention gender status or socio-economic status as revealed by clothing, hair, nails, makeup, "smell", etc. Yep. We decide constantly in our day to day life whether or not we view ourselves or ANYbody else as seduction worthy as if that's a good thing. Believe me, it is not. It feeds the beast of objectification of self and others which feeds right into the palm of the codependent relationship trap lifestyle. Ultimately, someone ends up functioning as the all good "giver" in their chosen relationships--while the other falls into the trap of functioning more comfortably as a "taker". Last time I checked "givers" put themselves in the one-down position rather than being viewed as truly "equal" to others---while "takers" are in a one-up position because their seduction skills were/are quite advanced. If you have never thought of "seduction" in quite this way before, now is your time to consider how major a role it plays in "any" relationship which matters to us.
Fighting, as everyone knows, is how we get and go postal when our own emotions are dysregulated enough when we sense that our desired "Win!" outcome may actually not be happening. Some people will never "lose it" emotionally in front of their adult children, but have no problem getting hoarse from arguing with our spouse over money, sex, children, and religion. Who we fight with and when is our own choice. Fighting, by the way, never works to genuinely solve, resolve, and/or dissolve anyone's real life and right now actual problem(s) and/or challenge(s). Fighting is just a way to distract oneself from truly understanding each other regarding the issue under discussion---while at the same time getting our bodies all jacked up physiologically with "fight" hormones as if we are battling for our very lives. This is pure silliness. Fighting achieves no useful purpose except to create and maintain one's own status as either a "bully" or a "victim" (or both!) depending on the situation which led to the drama/fighting between you.
It's the Negotations part of Nichols' take on human relationship dynamics that is most interesting to me. When we negotiate at work, we don't use seduction or fighting as tools to get what we want. I should say, at least that is the way it used to be in corporate American back when everyone shared the same values and standards for doing "honest" business with one another as equals with mutual respect! Now a days, seduction and drama/fighting/violence have become their own online industries borne out of a pandemic that sucked out the souls of many a bored and isolated "influencer/star" and/or "subscriber".
Negotiation based on equality and mutual respect relies on the objective facts of any given situation to help the other person(s) best understand your point of view and vice versa. If you don't know how to present the facts that bring clarity about your point of view into the negotiation process, nobody is going to get anywhere good to satisfy both parties. The whole point of successful negotations is to come up with mutually-satisfying and beneficial compromises that work for all involved. If you can't do that, or if the other person can't do that...you two aren't going to get anywhere productive or positive. You'll end up with everything BUT the Win/Win outcome that represents the desired end result of a successful negotation and compromise between any two people...
If you haven't watched Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf, I recommend it highly to every couple struggling with these issues. You will see the Seductions and the Fighting on blast; you will see very little genuine negotiations, let alone successful ones resulting in Win/Win outcomes. And you'll see a lot of game playing involving people who, tragically, represent innocent bystanders to the chaos of one specific husband and wife duo. The movie serves as a template of what couples can fall into over time that basically ruins them individually---and as a couple. In way too many cases, making a bad habit out of Seduction, Self-Serving Negotiations, and Fighting in the way Nichols presents it is a sure way to end up miserable and alone in the end without any clue as to how one got there....
Until next post....