Social Mockery by Proxy: Contemptuous Much?

Most people can recognize obvious bullying when they see it.  A child being ridiculed on a playground.  A coworker being publicly humiliated during a meeting.  An online troll attacking strangers from behind a keyboard.  But there is another form of bullying that often slips beneath the radar because it is quieter, subtler, and easier to deny.

I call it Social Mockery by Proxy.

You have probably witnessed it. Perhaps you've seen it at work, while waiting in line somewhere, at a family gathering, in a classroom, at the mall, or anywhere else human beings congregate.  Two people lock eyes.  One subtly glances toward another person nearby.  The other follows their gaze.  Eyebrows rise.  Smirks appear.  A chuckle is exchanged.  A private joke is shared.

Meanwhile, the unsuspecting target continues going about their business completely unaware they have become the source of someone else's entertainment.  Nothing is said directly.  No harsh words are spoken aloud.  No confrontation occurs.  Yet the message is often unmistakable:

"Look at that person."

"Did you notice...?"

"Can you believe...?"

What fascinates me about this behavior is that many people who engage in it would never consider themselves bullies.  If challenged, they are quick to defend themselves.

"I didn't say anything."

"You're imagining things."

"We weren't laughing about you."

"They can't hear us anyway."

But bullying is not measured by volume.  Cruelty often whispers instead of shouts.  And if we're being honest, most of us have participated in some version of this behavior at one time or another, whether consciously or unconsciously.  That is precisely why it deserves a closer look.

Throughout much of my life, I experienced the looks, the stares, the whispers, and the assumptions.  I have a deep voice.  I am nearly six feet tall.  Growing up, these female-but-not-quite-female-enough characteristics often drew attention.  As a young person, I learned to defend myself the best way I knew how. I developed a razor-sharp wit and a comeback style that could rival any insult comic on the planet.  Today, however, I see these moments differently.

What once felt deeply personal now strikes me as a reflection of the other person's own personal discomfort rather than an accurate reflection of me.  And that observation leads to something important.  Social Mockery by Proxy often has very little to do with the person being mocked.  

Instead, it frequently serves as a form of unhealthy connection.  Not connection with the target.  Connection with the other person joining in the mockery.  It creates a temporary bond through shared contempt.

Think about that for a moment.  Healthy relationships are strengthened through shared interests, shared experiences, shared values, genuine curiosity, compassion, and honest conversation.  People connect by saying:  "That's beautiful."  "That reminds me of a funny story."  "Tell me more about that."  "I love the way you explained that."  "Doesn't she remind you of someone we used to know?"

Connection grows through curiosity.  Connection grows through empathy.  Connection grows through understanding.  But unhealthy people often connect differently.

"Look at her."  "Can you believe him?"  "What is he wearing?"  "What a joke."  "Oh my God..."

Instead of connecting through curiosity, they connect through criticism.  Instead of building intimacy, they build alliances.  Instead of elevating each other, they lower someone else.  For a brief moment, they create an exclusive club of two. 

And the price of admission is another person's dignity—as well as eroding away at their own.  That is what makes Social Mockery by Proxy so revealing.  The target is rarely the person who interests me most.  My curiosity tends to focus on the people doing the mocking.  Why do they need another human being to become a punchline?  What insecurity are they managing?  What discomfort are they avoiding?  What emptiness are they attempting to fill?  What satisfaction are they deriving from reducing another person to an object of amusement?

These are not questions about the target.  These are questions about the mocker.

So if today's post feels familiar because you have engaged in this behavior yourself, even unintentionally, I offer a simple question for reflection:  If the person being discussed were standing directly in front of you and could hear every word, would you still say it?

If the answer is no, perhaps it shouldn't be said at all.  Human beings were never meant to become social glue for other people's fragile egos.  That is not humor.  That is not connection.  That is not kindness.  That is not empathy.

It is simply Social Mockery by Proxy.

Perhaps it is time we begin calling it what it is, both when we witness it in others and when we recognize the temptation to engage in it ourselves.

Until next post...

The "Big" Truth About Psychological/Emotional Abuse

Here's a thought for today:  what if what he/she/they repeatedly told you about yourself was never actually true?

Today's blog post is about the "big" truth regarding psychological/emotional abuse.  If you aren't sure what that means, it means what people say to you about you in an attempt to convince you that he/she/they know better than you do about "who" you actually are.

Something to think about eh?

As a survivor of childhood psychological/emotional abuse, I remember thinking, even as a little kid, how something was wrong with my mother whenever she told me "who" she thought I was.  To me, it was as obvious as trying to convince me I was blonde haired with blue eyes when, in fact, I had dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Unfortunately, many survivors of this form of abuse spend years and/or decades trying to honestly answer questions such as:  "Am I selfish?"  "Am I lazy?"  "Am I crazy?"  "Am I too sensitive?"  "Am I unlovable?"  "Am I the problem?"  "Is it always my fault?" etc. etc.

The bigger question we often overlook is this:  "What if these statements were never accurate descriptions of me at all?"

What if they were injuries?

The difference between a truth and an injury is pretty clearcut:  

A cut on your arm is not your arm.  A bruise on your body is not your body.  

A psychological wound inflicted upon you is not your identity.

When someone repeatedly tells you that you are worthless, stupid, selfish, broken, too much, not enough, and whatever else they say to you—guess what?  They are NOT revealing your true character.  They are, instead, attempting to create psychological injuries.

The problem is that psychological/emotional wounds are invisible.  Because we can't see them, we often mistake them for absolute truth(s).  Psychological abuse creates false mirrors.  Abusive people often hold up a distorted mirror to your face.  In that mirror, you may appear defective, incompetent, unworthy, undesirable, and responsible for everyone else's problems.

After enough exposure, many people stop questioning the distorted reflection they see in that mirror.  they being studying it, analyzing it, trying to fix it, and believing it.  But how can a distorted mirror tell the actual truth?  It can't. It can only distort reality.

A critical question to ask yourself is this:  "Who benefited from me believing these negative things about myself?" 

This question often reveals something important.  Healthy people help you to see yourself more clearly.  Abusive people often benefit when you doubt yourself.  The more uncertain  you become about yourself, the more control an abusive person gains over you.  You stop trusting yourself, and start believing what this other person/people/group tells you about yourself.  Ironic how that works eh?  Have you ever met the person or group who repeatedly tells you how kind, sweet-spirited, smart, and hard working you are?  When you do, introduce them to me will you?  (LOL!)  Psychologically and emotionally abusive people may "love bomb" you for a bit;  in the end, however, they are your greatest detractors.

What was said to you in an attempt to control and manipulate you is not who you are.  Someone calls you difficult.  That does not mean you are difficult.  Think of it this way:  if someone accused you of stealing something when you know for real and for sure that you did not steal anything,  you would also know that the person making the accusation was misinformed—or is a liar.  Pick one.

People who tolerate psychological/emotional abuse;  they don't pick one.  They just blindly believe what they've been told by their abuser(s).  Because that's how abusers roll.  They don't give you a break.  They chip away, chop away, sledgehammer away (however you want to define it!) at you until they know they have broken you down—along with breaking your spirit in the process.

How tragic is that?

People can make all sorts of statements about who you are.  That does not make those statements facts.  The facts stand on their own regardless of what anyone does or doesn't say about "who" you are.  And the more you authentically understand  yourself and who you are, the easier it is to treat these false accusations and harsh judgments like buzzing flies around your face—rather than an avalanche that suffocates the life out of you.

One of my favorite lines in dealing with a psychological/emotionally abusive person is this:

"I know who I genuinely am;  it's too bad you don't."  Old school translation:  "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never hurt me."  

No kidding, but it takes practice!

Of course, when we don't know who we are, this represents one of life's greatest vulnerabilities.  When we don't know ourselves, how can anybody else understand us, let alone understand us "well" and/or "intimately" (Into-Me-You-See)?

When we are unsure of our value, identity, strengths, and character, we become vulnerable to accepting other people's definitions of us.  If we do not know or work on figuring out who we are, someone else will happily tell us.  And not everyone who defines us is qualified to do so.

Recovery begins with the simple realization that whatever was said about you may NOT be the truth.  Instead, it may be the evidence of what happened to you.  

The shame.  The self-doubt.  The confusion.  The fear.  The harsh inner critic.  The guilt.

These are not character flaws;  these are scars from the injuries you sustained.  

Instead of asking "What's wrong with me?", try asking "What happened to me?"

Instead of asking "Why did I believe him/her/them?", try asking "How deeply was I wounded?"

These are the questions that often lead toward healing.

Remember,  you are not the accusation.  You are not the label.  You are not the distortion.  You are not the injuries you sustained.

You are the person who survived all that.  There's resilience in your story because you are still here to tell it.

Keep up your own good work.  You are worth it.  October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Don't let another month, season, or year go by where nothing changes...

Also be sure to check out Dr. Ruth from Michigan on Youtube.  She is a PhD researcher who left a psychologically and emotionally abusive marriage after ten years.  Her online moniker is Dr. Ruth/That Was Abuse and Healing By the Numbers.  If you google that, you'll get right to her. She's worth giving a watch/listen to online or on her Youtube channel.

Until next post...