Youtube Lessons For All of Us....

I have to say, I didn't know about all of the "body cam" videos that exist these days on Youtube.  Seriously I didn't.  Then I found Sargent Steve...and Sheriff Lamb...and several others who have channels that primarily focus on body cams which were filmed once police were dispatched "somewhere".  At first I started watching what went on in airports when police are called to assist with unruly individuals who are typically drunk or high either on airport property, or inside the plane.

What I learned from those videos are that people are capable of really making donkey holes out of themselves when they are drunk, high, or otherwise "altered" by not getting what they expect or want from airport/airlines personnel.  I don't know about you, but who seriously believes that he/she/they can just start throwing a tantrum in public---and inside an airport besides---and achieve their desired outcome?  In case you didn't know, acting up on or inside airport property especially when it leads to the police being called in, is not going to end well generally speaking.  Throwing fits, cursing, refusing to comply to any lawful orders, and touching another person or child with or without violence....these are not the things you want to be doing---let alone once the police show up.  Also, did you know that the airlines CAN refuse service to anyone they choose without having to "explain" themselves to the offender?  This includes airline personnel and/or the captain of the plane said offender was scheduled to board.  Whatever you thought about the way it works "at the airport", think again.  You may also be banned from using the airport for a year...or even for a lifetime...when you refuse to comply peacefully and act in a disorderly manner.

And yet.....

I wonder what makes anyone believe that anything to do with one-on-one police interaction at the airport is a "negotiable" circumstance?  The airport operates like a business.  It can refuse anyone service just like any other business in this country is free to do.  Shout out to all the donkey hole narcissists among us who really do believe he/she/they are in a one-up position when compared to law enforcement.  Get real.  It doesn't matter if you are a judge, your daddy is a judge, your mother is a police officer, etc. etc.  If you react to airline personnel/law enforcement badly, your outcome will not be in line with your original expectations.  End of.  Watch the videos.  You'll see what I mean.

I remember when we were coming back from Maui some years ago, and our flight home included a stop in Atlanta.  Neither one of us had ever flown through Atlanta before, but we knew we might have a problem because of a lengthy delay in Maui before we even left Kahului.  Once we arrived in Atlanta, we were told that our plane already left for Detroit and there were no flights available back to Detroit for several hours.  We were both shattered from the flight (10 hours I believe)...and I just started to cry at the gate.  By some miracle of God, the agent behind the counter took pity on me and got us a flight that went to Buffalo and then Detroit.  Even though the kid behind me on that flight to Buffalo kicked the crap out of my seat all the way there---I remained grateful.  I didn't even know about "all of this" regarding airport drama at that time...but I certainly knew that throwing a fit wasn't going to solve our problem!

Stop!  Think!  Act!  That's what we are supposed to do whenever faced with something we'd rather not face.  Had I thrown a fit and starting yelling and screaming when facing that gate agent in Atlanta, I am 100% sure she wouldn't have found that flight for us to Detroit via Buffalo.  Just sayin'.  

Be kind...no matter what and whatever you may have to go through.  This is a fundamental lesson for all of us, besides what we can watch on Youtube of course.

If you have an issue with emotional regulation under stress or duress, there's help for that.  Especially if you tend to do that whenever you have a buzz going on.  When life gets hard, YOU have to change...not anybody else!

Until next post...

Breaking Bad (Part II in a series)

People who suffer and struggle throughout life are most typically caught up in a loop of patterned thoughts, feelings, and behaviors they don't fully understand.  Of course it's easy to do if you are otherwise uninitiated to what factors contribute to thinking "bad", feeling "bad", and doing "bad" whenever we are so compelled.  As presented in my last post, fear/shame/guilt/dread/avoidance are what comprise the inner life of a suffering and struggling individual.  People who allow these thoughts and feelings to run them will find that they are easily enough ruined as well over time.  

How we get ruined over time is that we live in a lot of expectation, disappointment, anger, rage, resentment, and bitterness over what we believe "should" happen in any given significant-enough moment---but hasn't happened.  That's our "go to" mentality when we let that fear/dread/avoidance loop control our thought life.  I could throw paranoia in there as well, because plenty of folks with undiagnosed and untreated mood and thought disorders definitely become paranoid when things don't go their way "enough" for however long they have been monitoring such in their own life....

It'd be one thing if we just thought "bad" and felt "bad", but still focused always on doing the "right" thing.  Yet it doesn't work that way.  We hurt people because we have been hurt.  We say and do bad, wrong, and yes at times evil things to one or more others.  And we of course forget about what we say or do that is bad, wrong, or evil because we can.  If I had even a dime for everyone I've seen in 23 years of practice who has said "I don't remember" when being confronted by something they said or did that was traumatic and/or significantly harmful to another human being, I'd be rich for real....

Breaking bad in your own life really begins by being aware of what you think, feel, and do right now that keeps you "stuck" in your own messy and complex past history.  When we are or get stuck, we find it pretty near impossible to change.  But as Dr. Nicole Labor, an Addiction Medicine specialist out of Ohio has said...there are just three things we have to do in order to change our life in a positive direction over time.  

First, we need to interrupt the thought(s) and/or feeling(s) we are having to say, do, or pursue the wrong action(s) we are being tempted by.  In her example, she is speaking of addictive substances or processes.  In my post here, I am talking about "anything" that makes you want to do what's "bad" to yourself and/or to others just so you can feel better momentarily.

Interrupting yourself isn't rocket science.  You can breathe slower and more deeply for 60 seconds and that counts as a "pause" moment.  Then what you do after the pause, depending on who you are and what works for you, you find that "thing" and do that instead.  Listen to your favorite song(s), watch something that makes you laugh out loud, go outside and start walking in nature, attend a group meeting, read something that interests you online, start coloring in your adult coloring book, call a friend, make something new and healthy in your kitchen, pick up your knitting, go to the gym...whatever "it" is you do to interrupt yourself without harm attached---go do that thing.

Next, replace those negative thoughts and feelings with something "better".  And what I say better, I mean it.  Focus on what is true, right, and good in your life---in other words, what you are genuinely grateful for!  As interrupting yourself also involves distractions of some kind or another as mentioned above...this "replace" step means you literally practice changing your thinking because now you are finally thinking about how you think---and you are choosing to replace those thoughts and feelings with something that is more helpful rather than harmful.  Instead of being all kind of pissed off because you didn't get what you wanted when you wanted it....focus on what you are grateful for to replace those thoughts and feelings.  Instead of being bitter about what didn't happen in your life that you had always hoped would happen....focus on what your "right now" life and what is right, true, and good about that.  Without your "right now" life to focus on, you will keep nailing your own feet to your past history.  Nobody can drive forward by staring back at their rearview mirror.  

As an example, my own mother didn't like working around the house.  Never did and never would.  So by being her only daughter, I was raised to believe that "domestic duties" was not unlike forced labor under great duress.  She never gardened, she rarely cooked, and she preferred to "shop" as her go-to activity on a daily basis.  Fast forward to decades later after we first moved into our present home.  I was outside weeding....and I started thinking about how I "hate" weeding and what the hell such a thankless job...and before I knew it, I was getting very angry about all the "stuff" I had done or still needed to do "domestically" speaking around our home in order for it to be the way I wanted it to be and look.  And then it hit me...time to replace!  I remembered how it was with my mother and how she rolled...and I began thinking of everything in my life that was beautiful, that was good, and that was right.  I eventually grew to love gardening and was even asked to participate in our local garden tour as a featured home.  Who said "replace" doesn't work?  It does!

Last, repeat these good things you are doing to interrupt and replace what has the ability to take you down into the pit of despair, hopelessness, and powerlessness.  You are not hopeless or powerless unless you CHOOSE to be those ways.  Nobody owes you a good life, but you owe a good life to yourself.  Nobody is responsible for your daily care 24/7 like you're still an infant...so stop acting like one whenever you don't get your way.  When you don't get your act together, you end up spreading your pain around to others---especially to your child(ren) if you have any.  Stop it now.  Get the books, get the support through self-help groups, and get connected to whatever other people or groups that can speak truth into you with grace attached.  You are not as bad as you believe you are, but you aren't as good as you believe you are either.

Breaking bad starts with you...and ends with you also.  Nobody wants to be remembered for being a #1 donkey hole (if you catch my drift there!) because he/she/they were too narcissistic and too delusional to believe nobody noticed that basic truth.  Don't be a donkey hole.  Be grateful.  Be present.  Be real.

Until next post....