Fear/Shame/Guilt/Dread/Avoidance: Breaking "Bad"! (Part I in a series)

If fear is the lowest vibration, then so are shame and guilt.  As human beings, we hate thinking about the things that scare us (real or imagined!), let alone when we also feel somehow responsible for whatever happened from our messy/traumatic past experiences which feeds the beast(s) of those fear(s) within us.  

As children, for example, do we genuinely understand why mom and dad fight and argue as much as they do in our presence?  Of course we don't!  Or why dad is mostly angry when he comes home from work?  Or why mom takes off a lot or just sits there staring into space smoking cigarettes all day long?

We are too young to understand what it means when adults forget we exist (as children) and carry on as if we are inside a theatre watching the movie of their adult lives unfold before our own childish eyes and minds.  I can remember just jumping behind our sectional sofa and calling it a day (or a night!) to get away from it all.  And what child is emotionally mature enough to say to themselves, "Oh, this nonsense they are engaging in---it all has nothing to do with me!"  Yeah, right!  Because children are so egocentric, we really do believe that anything "good" that happens to us is because we have "been good", while anything "bad" that happens---or happens to us personally---is because we have "been bad".  End of.

Needless to say, we learn about fear, shame, and guilt whenever we do and however we do---and for sure we internalize that garbage no matter what our age may be at the time(s) we were first exposed to it!

Until we learn how to connect the dots regarding where our fear/shame/guilt began and how we have, ourselves, fed that beast over time, we don't.  We just accept and live in and with the fears associated with our own past and present life's experiences.  That's why so many of us repeat what we learned in childhood in our own adult relationships and with our own children once we grow up.  Just a reminder.

Oh by the way, even if your parent(s) were stellar members of your community and did everything "right" so as to raise productive citizens, many children grow up with a lot of emotional and/or physical neglect which we tend to downplay as adults sitting in the therapist's office. "I was fine!  We went to church.  My parents worked hard to support us.  I went to camp every summer.  I got whatever I wanted as a kid!"  

Really?  What about when you just wanted to be listened to and understood...or have your parent/older sibling explain to you "how this works" when you became curious about something and wanted to understand it better?  Emotional and/or physical neglect is one of those life experiences that we definitely minimize because of the damage it does to us;  we learn how to function as dismissive/avoidants as a result of significant-enough neglect.  These folks have a near impossible time listening and understanding others to achieve into-me-you-see genuine intimacy.  In fact, these are the same folks who complain to me by saying things like "Hey, I had to figure everything out myself;  why shouldn't he/she/they do the same?"  Dismissive/Avoidants are notorious for paying only selective attention to that which makes them feel good about themselves.  Otherwise, they are checked out emotionally as a general rule.  Now you don't have to wonder why or how that occurs.

Look up "Dismissive/Avoidant" attachment style and you may be finding yourself reading about not only your parent(s) of choice, but about yourself and/or your partner as well.

As for "Dread"....dread comes into our picture when we allow ourselves to worry about those real or imagined fears we are struggling with.  Dread = Worry in case you forgot. Also, Fear + Worry combined = Anxiety.  For all who struggle with chronic and intense anxiety most of the time, what I am speaking about in today's blog post, part of your issue IS making your Fears and your Worries constant companions instead of working to interrupt the cycle once it shows up in your own mind/thought life.

So, there you have it;  the formula which has the power to keep us stuck in a loop of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is more "bad" than good for us!  Our job is to demonstrate the courage to be breaking bad whenever it pops up in our thought life, and to re-regulate our emotions after they become dysregulated...and to literally stop making the same poor choices (behavior!) that we later come to regret (if we still have a conscience to work with that is!).

While all this is going on, by the way, we are also simultaneously managing any "stuck" negatuve emotions that have to do with our messy past experiences that have a funny way of cropping up during our own hard, stressful, and overwhelming times.  Being grief-stricken.  That's a big one.  Being angry.  Being resentful.  Being Bitter.  These are the "Big Four" emotional grenades that can pop off immediately when unexpected and unwanted "negative" situations and/or circumstances show up on our own life's path and out of left field.

I just happened to go to NYC this past weekend when the "snow emergency of 2026" blew into the city on Sunday night.  I was at a party when Mayor Mamdani declared the snow emergency and shut down the roads throughout New York city and its surrounding boroughs at 9PM until 12 noon the next day.  

To say I was afraid of the snow would be a joke.  I'm not afraid of snow. I'm used to it living here in SE MI.  To say I was afraid of being holed up in our airbnb for the next ??? hours without knowing when we'd be able to move about freely---that would be a joke too. I'm not afraid of being holed up anywhere.  As long as the power is on and I have access to cable, I'm good.  

To say I was afraid of the area I was in would not be a joke, but I adjusted my sails very quickly.  I was in a "gritty and unevenly gentrified" area of Brooklyn...and it showed.  But me being me, I was fine so long as no rats showed up for breakfast, lunch, or dinner where we were staying.  And they didn't.  All good!

To say I was afraid after my flight home got cancelled on Tuesday and I couldn't get through to Delta on my phone app....yes, you would be correct!  Bingo!  Without my desktop computer to work off of, I knew I had to interrupt myself from spiraling down and out into the black hole of OMGWHATAMIGOINGTODOTOGETBACKHOME?!?!?  This is just one minor example of how my own "imagined fear" about getting a flight back to Detroit was the specific trigger that I could have let myself go down the rabbit hole with.  Yet, I didn't.  I interrrupted the "loop" of thinking I was about to engage in (fear/shame/guilt/dread/avoidance)...by focusing on genuine curiosity as to how I would be able to move past "stuck" and get through to a "live" Delta agent from my phone....

When we can move past our fear/dread/avoidance as our default mental habits when triggered negatively, we need to move right into authentic hope/true anticipation/genuine curiosity about how we can go about "solving" our real life and right now issue or problem.  

In my case, I went right to perplexity.ai.  Why not?  So I explained the situation, how I was unable to get through to Delta on my phone app...so what were my other available options?  Of course, Perplexity came through.  Gave me a number to call, which I did.  When prompted to ID myself, I did not respond with the typical "Push 1 for.."  Within 30 seconds I was connected to a live agent.  Got my next available flight scheduled for the next evening;  the next morning decided to check on any earlier flights using the same strategy.  Was able to do that and be home by 7:30PM Wednesday night instead of midnight.  Yay Perplexity.  Yay Delta.  Yay me.

Who said AI technology was full of *$(#?  Not for me!  My new "stay curious" partner when life throws me a curve ball.

So big yay YOU when you can practice courage and curiosity as your own "Step 1" in breaking bad in your own thought life and associated interactions with others!  Just like I did last week in two feet of snow. :-P  

Next post, a continuation of the process which frees you from being stuck in the loop of avoidance...

Until next post!

Your Anti-Anxiety/Panic Porta-Pack!

I remember the first time I shared with a client how we experience life through our senses.  Kind of like the obvious being not so obvious until it hits us:  "Oh yeah!  What I see, what I hear, what I smell, what I touch, what I taste....and what I intuit (intuition/spiritual discernment) IS all of what I have to experience the world around me!"  Truth.

Yet you may be one of the millions of people on our planet who also experiences life through your "emergency state" of feelings that all point to the following:  Imagined Fear(s) + Worry combined.  When we are living in fear (real or imagined) and when we worry about those fears (real or imagined), we are experiencing anxiety.  When our anxiety catches on fire, then we experience panic.  Just like anger on fire leads to feelings of rage, the same is true with generalized anxiety.  We are anxious and we know it, but when it catches on fire, we go into panic mode.

Today's blog post is how to interrupt your anxiety and/or panic modes by having access to your own anti-anxiety and anti-panic porta-pack.  These are the things you can carry with you to help you quickly come out of that altered state of consciousness and get back to the "now" of your present life.

Oh by the way, these suggestions are for when you are away from home and unable to pursue some of the other techniques that work to instantly calm you/bring you back to "now" reality.  Such as....each hand holding onto an ice cube for as long as you can stand it....walking barefoot in the snow or on a cold-enough driveway/road for as long as you can stand it...jumping into a super warm or super cold shower...putting your face or both hands into a bowl of ice water for as long as you can stand it, etc. etc.  Heat and cold have a way of zapping us back to where we need to come back to when we experience emotional chaos to any significant degree...

All you will need for your own personal porta-pack is a small zippered pouch or ziplock bag (either works!).  Inside your pack, you can include the following items:

1.  Individually wrapped alcohol swabs.

Kind of like the baby sister of smelling salts without knocking you out, an individual alcohol swab, when opened, can be used to "sniff" you back into reality instantly without harming you.  Remember, anything you use which "grounds" you back into real life and right now reality (instead of what you are worrying and/or panicking over inside your head) is a good thing in these moments.

2.  Individually wrapped super sour hard candy.

My clients love everything from the super sour Warheads brand powder (which comes in its own individualized triangular packet), and/or any other sour/super sour candy that makes you go YUCK! instead of YUM!  (LOL)  Clients of mine have also used Altoids breath mints for this purpose (very strong and unpleasant enough flavor).  Whatever hard candy or mints you can suck on will work here.

3.  "Mini" containers of hot sauce, lemon juice, and/or other "liquid"-based hot/sour/bitter substance that can be dropped onto the tongue (just a drop or two...not the whole bottle!).  Functions the same as would the hard and sour candy/breath mints.

4.  Fidget/squeeze/pull/light up device (spinner, sqeeze toy, roller with "spikes"...whatever works that doesn't cause you to pick at and/or otherwise interfere with your own skin/hair/nails (cuticles, feet, eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.). 

5.  Gum with strong scent/flavor.  

6.  Affirmation notecard (to read).  "It's just a feeling.  This feeling cannot hurt me.  This feeling will pass.  I need to slow down my breathing.  I will slow it down now so each breath in and out takes me ten seconds.  Starting now..."

7.  Hydroxyzine emergency stash (anti-histamine).  By prescription for short-term use by PCP.  Non addictive, but can make you drowsy as it calms you.  Offered under assorted brand names including Vistaril and Atarax. Designed for short-term relief and not long-term anxiety management.

8.  "Mini" essential oil(s) of choice for fragrance that calm/sooth and/or energize/stimulate depending on your preference (lavender, mint, eucalyptus, citrus, etc.).

9.  Mini ice packs (Amazon).  Pack can be held on either side of your neck, for 3-5 minutes, to activate your vagus nerve and instantly calm/soothe/relax your nervous system.

10.  Your top five songs written on a sheet of paper or notecard to remind you of the power of singing, humming, and/or otherwise vocalizing to re-regulate your nervous system and bring your body and mind back to baseline.  Now play each song as you sing or hum along to it!  If you don't have a music app installed, don't worry---your tunes will most likely be on youtube!

Beyond these items which you can carry with you or have quick access to (at work or in your vehicle), keep in mind that you can also use your phone as a means to obtain instant help through appropriate apps that are designed specifically for anxiety/panic reduction.  Without naming names, some are free and others require a paid subscription.  You may also go to youtube (free!) and type in the search box "How to Calm Down Right Now"....and you'll be amazed what pops up for you to consider watching. 

No anxiety or panic attack has killed a single soul.  It generally feels like it will, but it doesn't.  Also, no anxiety or panic attack lasts as long as you fear it will.  On average, the "worst" of anxiety and panic-related symptoms involve just 3-5 minutes.  Keep that in mind as you practice slower and deeper breathing for 3-5 minutes once the symptoms begin!  

Square breathing (Navy Seals approved!) is one extremely effective method of slowing down your breathing and reducing each in-and-out cycle of breath to last at least 10-12 seconds.  The goal is to be able to breath in-and-out no more than six times per minute of time.  If you can reduce that number down to five breaths/minute---even better.

The pattern for square breathing is this:  Inhale through your nose for a count of at least 3-5 seconds, then hold your breath for at least 2-3 seconds, then exhale through your mouth for 4-6 seconds, and then hold your breath again for at least 2-3 seconds before you repeat the process (inhale-hold-exhale-hold-inhale-hold-exhale-hold..)

Anxiety and panic can be a fact of life for many of us, but it loses its power over us when we have the tools (and use them!) to quickly and effectively reduce the intensity and frequency of any given episode.

Until next post....