Monday, March 18, 2024

How Miserable is Miserable Enough?

Misery loves company.  We've all heard that before right?  But what do we do when we know the company we are keeping is, in fact, genuinely contributing to our miserable mental health status?  Today's blog post is about how we can initially work to improve the quality of our "misery-bonded" relationships by our own intentional actions....

In general, I'm going to start by saying that in our important-enough personal relationships...we tend to act more like cowards that heroes when confronted by the "ick" of our chosen person's behavior(s).  I certainly hear the complaints often enough in my office.  The wife whose husband is both verbally and psychologically abusive, for example.  "Well, he has provided very well for our family and isn't everybody verbally and emotionally abusive anyway?"  (This. Would. Be. A. Wow. Moment!)

No, not everyone is verbally and emotionally abusive as a preferred communications-based lifestyle.  After all, it's hard to see "how else" people can be when we insert ourselves into a lifestyle where we are surrounded by that which we presume is "normal" behavior.  Think about that.  For example, I grew up in a family "yellers".  I had no idea how I myself morphed into a "yeller" until school friends started saying things to me like "Mary...quiet down you're too loud.." when we'd be sitting in Big Boy's and I was oblivious to my own decibel level.  Well, here I am all these many decades later and I still find myself thinking at times, "I identify as a threat and my pronouns are "try" "me".  :-P  Whatever I learned about "yelling" as a kid, I normalized.  Now, as a fully grown adult, I realize what "else" yelling taught me that I completely ignored until I found my own true identity. :-D

As a much better example and only recently, one of the former castmates from the Bravo series "Vanderpump Rules" separated from her husband (Jax and Brittany Taylor, for those who are wondering).  This is because Jax has lost interest in having a sexual relationship with his wife after nine years (five of them married) and a two year old son together.  Brittany is on the record as saying "I'm hot as hell and I'm not going to listen to this bull***t anymore" about Jax losing his libido.  If you recall, when Jax was single and on VR, he made the Energizer Bunny look like a turtle.  So what's up with Jax?  All I know is that I can't remember a time in history when a celebu-tant has been so forthright publicly regarding this particular reason for pursuing marital separation.  Good for her?  Well, what is her alternative option?  Yes, she can go to therapy on her own if her husband is refusing to join her;  however, it does take two to tango and if he's done tango-ing....then a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do (?)  You decide.  If they didn't share a child together, it would be so much easier for her to just leave.  Yet it is their precious son who will suffer the most if they can't work through the fissure(s) in their marital relationship...whatever else those may be and include.

Which leads to the adult children I see whose parents "did" stay together for "the sake of the child(ren)".  If parents choose to be together and still fight like cats and dogs AS IF nobody else is/was watching...then who benefits from that daily/weekly sh** show of drama?  Certainly not the child(ren)!  I don't know why parents are so invested in believing that just because their child isn't in the same room, that nobody else can hear what they are screaming about to each other (?!)  Contrary to popular belief, children do NOT want that front seat to parental drama, crisis, and chaos on an ongoing basis.  Sadly, without actively working to break this pattern in their own adult lives, he/she/they will not break it themselves.  End of.

How miserable is miserable enough?  For many, it is when they take that first drink, snort, hit, taste, or drag off their drug of choice to self-medicate.  I mean, haven't we learned this yet?  When the noises inside our own heads become too much, we want to shut them up!  When the numbness inside our own bodies becomes too much, we want to wake ourselves up!  Those are the only choices we have when we choose drugs and/or alcohol to feel better fast.  We want to either shut everything down and numb out...or we want to wake everything up and feel alive again.  If you need to print up today's post and tape it to your bathroom mirror, go ahead!  Life is so much more valuable than what we so often lead ourselves to believe.  You are not the problem, but you are the solution to the problem!

Gaining a level of spiritual maturity is always part of the healing and recovery process.  This is especially true for those of us who grew up in a war zone and have come to shut down any and all references to the "g" word (God!) in our lives.  One great book to encourage us to find our spiritual purpose is "How to be An Adult in Relationships" by David Richo.  In his book , Richo talks about the three things we all need to do in order to become more spiritually mature.  Here they are for you now:

(1) to let go of ego

(2) to cultivate mindfulness

(3) to create an ethic of compassion

...and what does all of THAT mean?  That will be the topic of my next blog post...






Saturday, March 2, 2024

Dear Wendy Williams....

Now the world knows what a mess you have been living in for way too long.  We are sorry.  We didn't know that behind that fierce facade you presented to us through your professional life and career---that a frightened little girl with way too much to grieve was underneath it all.  You made your millions from pointing out the specks and boards in other people's eyes.  Nobody had the courage to point out your own.  Well, you did seem to function like the happy go lucky enough National Bank of Wendy after all...and it seems like you didn't mind doing so for those you loved and accepted into your inner circle.  Did they do right by you by watching you spiral to the point of losing your own mind?  Who knows!  That's between each of them and God.  Same as would be true for you and God also.    

"I'll show them" is something you and your dad remember you saying during your childhood years.  What did you think you would show "them" Wendy?  Who is "them" anyway?  Your peers growing up?  Your teachers?  Your family of origin?  Your siblings?  Your church?  And what was it you were going to show them anyway?  That you mattered?  That you were/are worthy enough to notice and treat with respect?  That you could rise above your own insecurities, disappointments, and self-loathing by becoming a successful enough person in your own right?  Well, you certainly achieved all that.  And to what end?  By demanding that you get what you want when you wanted it like SNAP---or there would be hell to pay?  Watching you verbally abuse your "people" during this most recent documentary was so disturbing for us viewers.  You showed us how low we are capable of going when we want what we want "now" and are yet too fragile to do it or get it by ourselves.  You couldn't even walk without assistance for the Lord's sake.  Yet your verbal tirades seemed to flow like that vodka you kept hidden in your bedroom.  Someone had to go and get those bottles for you.  These people, with or without realizing it, functioned as your minions.  How sad.  How tragic.  How typical of people who exploit each other in order to feel good now while building up their own bank accounts!

Now that you have been diagnosed with both frontotemporal dementia and aphasia...I do believe your life will become much more peaceful.  At least I pray that's the case.  All your money which you may or may not still actually have "now"...that will determine the quality of care you receive wherever you have landed to live for the rest of your life.  I hope your beloved son and family of origin will make sure you are treated consistently with dignity and respect.  You, sadly, are in the throws of remembering less, forgetting more, and eventually losing your ability to communicate altogether.  Will these folks still love you and care for you when you are no longer capable of making $$$ to make their own lives easier?  We'll see.  I hope they each do the right thing.  I feel the love they expressed for you during the documentary was genuine.  Let's hope there are hands and feet to accompany those intentions because God knows...you need every bit of right help you can get right now.

Thank you for inspiring so many others to think about the quality of their own lives and relationships after watching Where is Wendy Williams?  There are SO many lessons your documentary presented for every single one of us from our shared human family.  We can't ever take our own health for granted be it physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or socially speaking.  We can't hang with the dogs and expect not to catch fleas.  We have to do what's right every single day because anything other than that is wrong.  Alcohol and drug use/abuse is never without adverse consequences attached.  We have to face reality rather than deny it.  Love doesn't cost a thing.  We need to love people and use things, not use people and love things.  I could go on but you get my point....

I am making your documentary required viewing for certain of my clients.  In spite of all the chatter which says it should have never been aired by Lifetime blah blah blah....I believe it serves as an important gift to each of us in the helps profession.  We can learn by one another's experiences, just as Mark Laita's valuable work does with his Youtube series "Soft White Underbelly".  We all reside in the underbelly of life when we become most comfortable there.  It's never too late to change our direction and our path.  The changes you are experiencing now with your most recent diagnoses may be just what was needed to save your life rather than end it.

Your narrative has taught us a lot Wendy;  I pray only peace for you in your future...and thank you for everything your life thus far has illuminated for us.

Until next post....