August is always an interesting month for me; it's when I get lots of phone calls from parents with highly anxious kids. If you think about it, once a child knows school is starting back up "soon"—it's no wonder (at least to me!) why their anxiety ramps up. Today's post is about having a chat regarding that uptick in your child(ren)'s anxiety before school resumes as and when it does.
First we need to get it straight about what anxiety actually is. It is "imagined" fear. Not legitimate life-or-death fear. Imagined. That means that whatever fear(s) your child(ren) articulate(s)—it's YOUR job as a parent and/or primary caregiver to understand whether or not that fear is legitimate in nature or not. On top of that, "imagined" fear plus worry combined is what anxiety actually is. I mean it's one thing to have a wild dog start chasing you down your street (legitimate fear); it's another thing entirely when you worry about a wild dog coming out of nowhere and chasing you down the street.
For example, "I don't want to go back to school! Billy's there! He hates me!" O.k. Do you know who Billy actually is? Do you and/or your child have a history with "Billy"? If so, what is that history? Has Billy actively bullied, physically assaulted, and/or otherwise abused your child either before, during, or after school? This all may seem ridiculous if you are reading this and saying to yourself, "My kid thinks everybody hates her because she's highly sensitive." Listen. To. Me. And....?? Don't you see the need to genuinely understand what your child is thinking and believing to be true about (in this case!) her relationship (be it real or imagined!) with "Billy"? If you don't, you're a negligent parent. How about that?
To minimize, to dismiss, to ignore, and/or to mock whatever is going on inside your child's mind IS, in fact, a form of child abuse. At least it is in my book after seventy years of life and twenty-three years as a practicing LLP psychologist. Your child isn't highly anxious "now" because it's Friday and 10:30 a.m. EST. Your child is anxious because FEAR is taking over when it shouldn't be. So there's that. Whether that fear is legitimate in nature or not has yet to be determined, but at the very least please discuss to understand what your child is thinking and believing about the source(s) of their anxiety puleeze!
So before you call someone like me to work with your child, there IS work you can do to (1) best understand what your child is experiencing which is causing their real or imagined fear-based reality, and (2) communicate that understanding to them so your child understands that you understand. That's pretty much the first steps you need to take before anything else. Got that? Good!
So, getting back to our example: you've asked your child all the questions you can think of about "Billy" if you don't know Billy; if you do know Billy, you can ask whatever other questions of your child because you both "know" who Billy actually is. So—let's say you conclude from all your child's responses that Billy is engaging in passive-aggressive behavior involving your kid both before and after school. She sees him in the school bus and he starts making disturbing noises when she walks into the bus, which makes the whole busload of kids start laughing. She tries to sit as far away from him as she can, but sometimes she can't avoid him being "close" to where she is sitting. When that happens, he will do things like knock whatever is in her lap off of her lap. Or he might start making other noises like an animal or a dog while he's looking right at her. By the time your child gets off the bus, she's already highly anxious and worried about what Billy might do before they both reach the front door of the school.
Even if that is "all" you can get out of your child about Billy—you are at least "now" in a position to problem solve with her about how to manage this "Billy" issue by empowering her with alternate strategies she can choose from to practice.
I know for many of you reading this, the content here will seem like taking a class in Common Sense 101, but believe me, it's "not" about that for many parents. They are just too busy and distracted and/or otherwise engaged to achieve this level of mutual understanding with their child and "exactly" what the situations and circumstances are which led to an increase in their child's anxiety.
Without getting into any more excruciating detail, any real life and right now problems have the power to be solved, resolved, and/or dissolved once a child's parent(s) takes appropriate action to intervene and block further incidences of bullying, whether they be covert or overt in nature. When kids feel empowered by speaking out and telling the truth about what they are going through, and then look to you, as their parent(s) help them navigate their solution(s) to the problem—it usually ends in a win outcome all the way around.
I remember one twelve year old boy I saw many years ago whose father was shuttling himself back and forth between their residence and his family of origin's "home" in a foreign country. The boy was struggling with feelings of abandonment, while his older sister was being regaled by their mother and other female relatives here in MI as the Second Coming of All Things Bright and Beautiful. This boy was highly anxious and did not feel like his mother, sister, aunts, and grandmother had his back. And to tell you the truth, they didn't. He was not what any of them expected him to be. He was too chubby, too clumsy, too contrary...amongst other things.
After seeing him a handful of times, I met with his mother. She basically informed me that she didn't want a son; she had hoped for only girls. And now that she suspected her husband of cheating on her when he was out of the country, she really had an axe to grind with all persons "male". As you might imagine, this boy was basically functioning as the sacrificial lamb in a set up he could never have imagined or understand. His parents eventually divorced and his father chose to stay in their native country. That boy is close to thirty years old now. I can only pray he figured out what he needed to in understanding "he" had nothing to do with the dysfunction that so profoundly affected him. When we still believe (the lie) that "we" caused the trouble present within our families of origin, we throw ourselves under the bus and our anxiety becomes even more unmanageable and intensely chronic over time.
And how sad is that?
I am not of the persuasion that in order to teach kids how to swim, all you gotta do is throw them into the deep end of the pool. Then watch what happens live. Too many parents emulate this philosophy and then wonder why their child(ren) grow up to be incompetent, insecure, and intensely anxious.
Time to get a clue. Instead of sending your kid to me for help, how about YOU come see me for help. I haven't been proven wrong yet. Just sayin'.