We all know what it feels like to suddenly experience unwanted and unwelcome feelings out of left field. The typical "big six" negative emotions we feel are as follows: HURT ANGRY LONELY GUILTY ASHAMED and CONFUSED. Of course there are a whole lot of negative emotions/feelings we also experience such as BORED AFRAID OVERWHELMED ABANDONED INSECURE INCOMPETENT SAD...and so many others....
When we feel "bad" like that, it's like a switch inside of ourselves turns "off" instantly. Instead of feeling neutral...or good...or fantastic...we start spiraling downward emotionally speaking. We may have no idea why, but it is what it is. Whatever we felt a minute ago, or a half hour ago, or even all this past week...it's different now. We feel bad and it seems to be taking over us mind, body, and soul....
So now what?
For the vast majority of us, when this type of thing occurs often enough---we do what seems obvious to us in those moments: we look to people, places, and things OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES (EXTERNAL SOURCES!) to instantly make us feel better. Call it rescuing us...call it providing us with instant relief...we want to feel better "fast" and that's all there is to it. So we do what we do. We text the sh** out of our best friend or partner or sibling or adult child or sponsor. Or perhaps we just take a walk down the street to the nearest bar. We might light up a blunt. We may go eat a piece of cake. Or...we might hit up the casino online or live and in person. These are just some of the ways we like to turn our inner switch back "on" when it goes "off" and we don't understand (or don't want to understand!) why...
And as those are some "harmful" examples of what we are capable of doing to ourselves and/or to others (who wants their phone blown up by some "drama" outside of their own I ask you...and by the same person repeatedly oh by the way!).....there ARE other things we can choose to do that are more HELPFUL to us and to others. Yes, it's true. Instead of living our whole lives looking for some other person, substance, or process to rescue us from our negative emotions by flipping our inner switch "on" for us (so we feel "ok" again!)...we do our own work to learn how to flip our inner switch ON by ourselves!
Let's look at the damage we do when we fixate on a certain person, or a certain number of people we know and trust, to "rescue" us when we feel emotionally dysregulated (hurt, angry, lonely, et al). First, any person external to ourselves who provides us with "instant rescuing" or "instant relief" from our bad feelings---we are USING them to make ourselves feel better fast. Did you read me? We are exploiting people to do something for us that we are perfectly capable of doing ourselves, but we would rather not (do it ourselves)! Seeking rescue and relief is NOT love. That's the first thing. It's codependency in action. Secondly, the "intensity" you feel when you suddenly feel emotionally regulated again (going from feeling SO BAD to feeling MUCH BETTER!)...that all translates to this: Intensity is NOT Intimacy! That adrenaline drop inside your body feels like intimacy/a "good" connection...but it's really just emotional regulation (your inner switch got turned "on" again by that person you chose to do it). Lastly, rescuing is NOT Supporting someone through a difficult time. Rescuing is "I will do this for you because you can't!". Supporting is "I know you can do this and I'm here for you in that way." Supporting is NOT rescuing. Instead of expecting your mom or your boyfriend/girlfriend to save, fix, and rescue you by switching on your inner switch for you---he/she/they can ENCOURAGE your own ability to turn on your inner switch without becoming or serving as your own personal life-support option/system.
...and you wonder why people leave or have left you and you really didn't fully understand why? Maybe what you just got done reading is the "why" (?) Just a reminder....
High maintenance people are typically highly codependent and highly in denial about their own ability to emotionally regulate themselves when they feel "all the feels" of bad/negative/toxic emotions. As such, they can come across to others as very "needy", "moody", "manipulative", "unpredictable", "incompetent", "impulsive"...and a whole lot of other descriptors.
Low maintenance people are typically highly codependent as well and highly in denial about their own addiction of "needing to be needed" by others! How about that? They get others to turn on their own inner switch by deep diving into other people's drama/problems/dilemmas. They fixate on the problems of others in order to genuinely distract themselves away from their own bad/negative/toxic emotions generally speaking. As such, they can come across to others as very "generous", "would take the shirt of his/her/their back for someone in need", "caring", "selfless", "like a saint", "a true giver",...and a whole lot of other descriptors.
If today's post rings any bells or alarms for you, maybe it is time to call someone who can help you. Like me...or anyone else licensed and experienced with this type of issue. In the meantime...
..until next post.