Negative Triggers Are Our Lessons....

When we get triggered in a negative way by something we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and/or feel instantly angry, scared, or confused about when we experience "it" (whatever "it" is!)...there's a lesson there waiting for us to notice.

Think about it.  Some people will never ever be triggered in a negative way about lots of things:  flying in an airplane...seeing spiders....feeling sick....hearing about a house fire....smelling something rancid....petting a German Shepherd....etc. etc.  And yet, there are those who are being negatively triggered right now by just reading what I wrote here.  

That's how it is when we are triggered in an unwanted and unwelcome manner by something or someone's actions that is happening right now---or just happened a few moments ago.

So, what's the lesson(s) when we get triggered like that?

One lesson that is obvious (at least to me!) is that we have to remain grounded and present as we experience each and every day of our lives in spite of whatever happened to us in our own messy and traumatic past history.  If we don't, we will end up believing ourselves when we tell ourselves "I can't fly in planes!"  "I don't do crowds!"  "I can't leave my house!" "I can't live without my 7-Oh shot every day!"  "I always end up being fired!" etc. etc.

It's not our life that overwhelms us, it is our thoughts about our life that overwhelms us.  Fact.

Negative triggers are our lessons.  

For example...I get many blind inquiries for therapeutic assistance from people through a popular online source.  This means that a prospective client of my practice will contact me via email.  Which is fine.  When things transition to contacting me via text (because I have provided him/her/them with the number to call/text me at)...I am more mindful of our interaction(s) because we have both taken the next steps towards working together....

The other day, a person contacted me via text about working together.  Through our text chat, it became clear to me after a few interactions that this person was having a difficult time respecting my own boundaries to do with the way I do business.  There were also some unsolicited comments directed at me which were, in fact, both rude and inappropriate.  I suggested that the person find someone else to work with and, in turn, learned my lesson (once again!) about this "type" of prospective client.  Regardless of the industry you may work in, if someone approaches you to do business with him/her/them---you do NOT have to do business with him/her/them if their "vibe" is rubbing you in a way wrong way.  I wouldn't have cared if this individual had offered to pay me $1,000 a session;  I'd still say "Good luck to you!" and refuse the opportunity to work together.  Some of us believe otherwise...and this is how and why your own "negative triggers" can end you up in a big hot mess if you don't learn your lessons from them.  Just saying...

Another obvious lesson is how we need to keep taking good-enough care of ourselves mind, body, and spirit when we feel ourselves caught up in the loop of looking-but-not-looking for negative triggers whenever we are out and about in the world we inhabit.  This practice can be SO exhausting!  Instead of trying to avoid this that and the other that we already know can and will trigger us, then perhaps it is time to explore our solutions-based options!  

Examples:  Noise sensitivity?  Noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs, or earbuds turned on to your favorite podcaster/music/radio station.  Light sensitive? Sunglasses, progressive lenses, a brimmed hat.  Uncomfortable clothing and shoes?  Companies already exist to serve the needs of tactile/fabric-challenged customers!  In other words, whatever you believe you're "stuck" with having to manage alone and without outside help is just-not-true!  I just ordered on Amazon a variety of  "grounding tools" that help people who struggle with chronic fight-or-flight level anxiety on a daily basis.  There are literally "ouchy" fidget spinners that a person can buy for less than $10 each which are extremely helpful when you need to ground yourself wherever you may be.  At work, at school, at an event, in your own home, etc.  Instead of picking at your cuticles, biting your nails, or doing whatever else to distract yourself away from feeling highly anxious---this type of fidget can work wonders.  I also ordered Warhead super sour popping candy....individually wrapped alcohol swabs (the smell will get you back to "now" real quick!)...and some other items.  There is always a solution to your triggers.  You just have to be aware of what you can do/use to bring you back to here-and-now reality.  

Emotionally speaking, many people struggle with the practice of saying what they mean, mean what they say, not say it mean, and say it on time to the person(s) who need to hear it.

As I mentioned in my last post, when you are instantly feeling angry, frightened, or confused by what someone just said or did in your presence---or to you directly---you have no other choice than to say what you need to say as described above.  If you can't, don't, or won't, then there is no way in Heaven you can call yourself an "assertive" communicator.  You are not.

So, why don't you go ahead and practice this?

Of course, the excuses are innumerable:  "I hate conflict."  "I don't want to hurt their feelings."  "I don't want it to escalate."  "I just clam up and freeze I don't know why." 

Listen to me.  When you say and do the right thing for yourself when this kind of situation arises, you WILL FEEL BETTER once you have assertively said what you needed to say in order to prevent him/her/them from throwing you under any busses.  

And feeling better doesn't mean the kind of better that is temporary in nature;  the feeling better I am speaking of has to do with feeling better about your own confidence in your ability to say what you mean, mean what you say, not say it mean, etc.  By practicing assertive communication in all situations and circumstances, you let others know that you are unafraid to ask questions, ask for clarity, set the record straight, and identify any lies or half truths that are circulating about you--or someone else you love and care about.

And if you are in need of recalibrating your dopamine levels because of past drug and/or alcohol use and/or any process-based addictions you pursue (gambling, sex addiction, shopping, stealing, etc.)....doing what's "right" at all times is one way to boost the activation of your dopamine reserves "naturally".  How about that?

Indeed negative triggers are our lessons that can move us forward in our own lives rather than remaining stuck.  Think about that.

Until next post....

Got Sensitive?

What does it mean to be highly sensitive?  There is a Tubi documentary entitled "Sensitive" which examined what it is like to be a "Highly Sensitive Person" in today's world.  I watched the documentary and found it both interesting and helpful.  In today's post, I'd like to share some insights about high sensitivity and what that means for all of us as members of the same human family...

What does it mean to be highly sensitive?  Just the other day, a dear friend's daughter had her first baby.  Both mom and grandma noticed this brand new beautiful baby doesn't seem to like wearing any clothes.  To snap her first official baby photo, she was put in a sizes-too-big onesie and laid on the bed.  Her tiny foot sticks out between two of the snap closures.  Is this baby already showing signs of being "highly sensitive"?  Time will tell.  

A family member who had her first baby over 30 years ago:  his issue was nonstop crying for his first several months of life.  The only "trick" that worked to calm him was jerry-rigging the top of their clothes dryer and having him "sit" on it in his little makeshift chair when turned on.  Between the warmth and the rhythmic movement....he settled down.  However, his parents couldn't have him ride the clothes dryer every day and night either.  They then switched to rides in the car, which also worked decently enough.  Was this baby boy highly sensitive?  Of course he was.  Turned out that a case of colic was the reason why that baby had such a rough time for the first several months of his life.  You'd be highly sensitive too if every time you swallowed breast milk and/or formula---it ended up killing your insides!

I have had clients over the past 23 years share their various experiences with being "highly sensitive".  "I can feel any pill go down my throat and into my stomach.."  "I can't take most over the counter medications;  they do a horrible number on my gut..."  "Can you turn off the light in here?"  "Can you turn off that fan?"  "Do you mind closing the blinds?"  "Oh, I don't know I obviously wore the wrong sweater here today!  It's scratching me like crazy!"  "What was that?! (unexpected noise)" "The inside of my mouth tastes like metal for some reason..."  "Do you smell that right now?"  etc. etc. etc.

Yep, when it comes to our sensitivities....we all have them, but certainly to varying degrees.  I recall as a young bride asking a friend if they had any dietary restrictions as we had invited she and her husband over for dinner that coming weekend.  Her response still cracks me up to this day:  "Oh, he's o.k. but he won't eat anything green."  Well, thanks for the heads up!   

No two people are going to have the exact same types or degrees of sensitivities.  I can't take penicillin or codeine.  I am allergic to both of these substances.  If I take either, I go into anaphylactic shock.  Who knew?  Well, I found out when I was given Tylenol #3 after getting my wisdom teeth removed and nearly died.  But hey---at least I found out.

If you have noticed, I have focused the discussion so far on physiological-based high sensitivities:  what we see, hear, smell, taste, and touch---and the uncomfortable sensations we feel inside ourselves when triggered.

So what about psychological/emotional-based issues;  how do these affect a person of highly sensitive person status?  High sensitives feel things more deeply;  as the singer Alanis Morissette said in the documentary "Sensitive", her high sensitives are always in the front rows of her concerts and singing every single word right along with Alanis at the tops of their lungs.  In this way, being highly sensitive can represent one heck of a superpower:  more compassion, more empathy, more ability to "read" the room.  Yet highly sensitive people are also able to over-identify with and/or absorb other people's emotions, which can become exhausting over time.  Needless to say, high sensitives require their down time, once their own threshold of people-ing has been reached.  Double that if the highly sensitive person is living within a family/family system where emotional instability and/or volatility is present more often than not.  Perhaps this will help some understand what motivates many kids and teens to prefer spending time ALONE in their bedrooms/basements/garages/outdoors over any other room in the house....

In my work with highly sensitive clients, I have to be mindful that these lovely and caring people are also vulnerable to misinterpreting exchanges of information between us when he/she/they are stressed out/depressed and/or otherwise having an overwhelming kind of day.  This issue is obviously exacerbated when the highly sensitive person has a pre-existing mood and/or personality disorder.  When HSP status is co-morbid with other issues such as ADHD and PTSD, it can be confused with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) to the untrained eye.  In that case, being seen for a full psychiatric evaluation would be recommended....

If you want to explore this topic of the Highly Sensitive Person, there is a book which was written by a psychologist who, herself, wondered about her own high sensitivities and began to research the topic.  Dr. Elaine Aron is the author of "The Highly Sensitive Person" and other books related to HSP status.  Available through most libraries or by ordering for free through www.mel.org---Aron's books will help anyone who is interested in this topic.

Until next post...