Letter to the Victim Inside Yourself...

Dear Victim Inside Me:

Hello, it's me.  The me that doesn't want to rely on you as much as I have throughout my life.  You see, I never realized how much I depended on you until only recently.  My therapist, who challenges me probably more than I'd like, asked me the other day if I wanted a package of sidewalk chalk to carry around with me in my purse.  When I looked at her like she was goofy (which she sometimes is!), she said "So you can use it to outline yourself each time you lie down on that sidewalk and play the victim."  Sheesh!  Was I really THAT much of a victim?  I had to think about that;  though my therapist asked me to write this letter so I could help myself do it.  So here I am.

When did it all start?  When did I first feel like a true victim of true injustice?  I think it was when I first realized that my parents had "other" stuff that was more important to them than me.  When my baby brother showed up on the scene five years after I was born...my life got way worse.  My mother wanted ME to help with that squalling, red-faced, nasty baby?  No thank you!  But I did it, even though I hated it.  She acted like I loved helping her with the baby;  in fact, I did NOT!  I thought of ways to get rid of that baby;  I thought of ways to get rid of myself too.  I could run away to my cousin's house.  Maybe my grandma would let me live with her and grandpa.  Of course, I didn't do any of that.  I just stayed and hated my life because in my house, it was all about that stupid baby 24/7.

A babysitter's son molested me when I was a little kid too.  So did one of the teenage boys from my neighborhood.  I kind of knew it was all bad and wrong...but at least they were paying attention to me right?  Or so I thought.  Yet when it was all over and they just walked away or ignored me or even started yelling at me to go away....it felt even more bad and wrong.

School was o.k., but I got bullied for being so small.  One kid actually picked me up like a baby and carried me around the playground during recess.  The teacher didn't see it, everybody was laughing and I couldn't have been more embarrassed and ashamed.  Then when he finally put me down, he called me a nasty name and ran in the other direction.  Because of that day on the playground, everybody in my class started calling me "Midget".  I hated them all.  When I tried telling my teacher about it, even SHE acted like it was my fault and I should just forget about it.

I think you showed up when I finished middle school.  I wasn't going to take anybody else's crap anymore and keep my mouth shut besides.  I started causing trouble instead of being somebody else's victim.  I went to a store in my town in 7th grade and stole some lipstick with a friend of mine.  We didn't get caught.  Then I went later on that summer to another store and stole a top I liked.  I just put it on in the fitting room under my own shirt.  Nobody saw me go in...and nobody saw me come out.  It was easy. For once I felt like I had some power to do and get what I wanted without having to ask...because whenever I did ask for what I needed or wanted,  I got disappointed anyway!

I think you showed up because whenever I did get confronted about something I did wrong during those years...I always had an excuse.  I always had someone or something else to blame.  I remember saying a lot during that time "You made me!"  My mother made me lonely.  My father made me feel like I was invisible.  My teachers made me feel stupid.  The kids I knew made me feel ugly.  The friends I had made me feel like I wasn't fun enough.  Even my own bad moods made me feel like I had to "do something" in order to feel better fast.

By the time I graduated from high school and met Joey (my ex husband), I remember thinking how HE would be better and nicer and more appreciative of me because....we loved each other and said so.  Boy was I wrong!  If I did something he wanted, we were fine.  But if I wanted something, he gave me drama about it....or just didn't do it for me at all.  After ten years and two kids, I couldn't take it anymore.  I found out Joey had cheated on me throughout our marriage with one of his co-workers;  she thought they were getting married because he told her he was leaving me!  I couldn't believe my ears!  After all I did for that man having his children and trying to be the best wife to him possible, he did this to ME!?!  What a scumbag!  I did NOT deserve to be treated like I was garbage because I didn't do whatever he wanted every day of our lives!  So I gave him his divorce.  Of course he didn't pay child support because suddenly he quit his job and was moving out of state with his side piece.  I was in hell.  Whatever was I going to do to survive?

A friend suggested I find a therapist and get some help.  I didn't have any money, how was I supposed to get a therapist for free?  Fortunately, I found one who takes so many clients each year who are unable to pay for this kind of help.  She allowed me to be one of them.  We could only meet on Fridays at 3:00PM for an hour;  that was really hard for me because my kids get out of school at 2:30 and how would that work?  But I managed to find another mom who said they could go to her house after school while I was at the therapist's office.  I don't know what it is about these therapists, but it would have been better if she saw me on Saturday or some other time during the week!

When we finally met and I told her my story, she said there were four main reasons why we get angry and feel truly victimized by others.  (1) We aren't getting what we want when we want it, (2) we are being falsely accused, (3) we are being harshly judged, and (4) we are true victims of true injustice.  I've had all of those throughout my life happen to me.  What did that mean?  She said it meant that my anger, which had never been truly resolved in an appropriate way, led to me feeling worse.  Which meant feeling resentful...and then bitter....after nothing changed in a better way for me.  After feeling so bitter for so long, I had nowhere else to go in my own head but to be a capital "V" victim.  My other option would be to function as a capital "P" perpetrator (of abusive behavior).  I could see that.  I could see how, in my own mind, being a "Victim" would make me feel less bad and less terrible than if I was going around acting like a bully or a bi**h all the time.

I don't know what lies ahead for me, but another thing my therapist talked to me about was how I have to learn how to take proper action whenever I feel like I am "stuck".  Without taking any proper action to improve my life or my situation, nothing is going to change.  She even said to me, "If nothing changes, then nothing changes."  Wow.  That hit home.  Nothing HAS changed in all these years for me except that I started going to therapy.  And, so far, it's helping me to see how my own thinking is pretty much what got me into all this trouble in the first place.

So, to the victim inside me, I hope I will be truly able to remove you from my life one of these days and put an end to our highly dysfunctional relationship.

Sincerely,

ME

"It's Complicated..."

Which of your present relationships are complicated?  We all have one or more of them;  you can at least admit that right?  Whether it's with your mother, or your stepdad....your sister or your best friend...or your partner for that matter---we all know what it feels like to walk on eggshells at times with someone we love and care about.

What makes a relationship complicated to begin with?  Let's look at this logically for a moment.  Think back to when you first met your "complicated" relationship person.  How did you...and how did he or she...behave when you were first forming your relationship with one another?  Do you even remember?  I know when I was a young kid, I had a neighbor down the street who was my first "friend" and peer.  She was a bit younger than myself...and I recall one of the primary reasons why I liked playing with her was because she was available to play!  As the relationship progressed over the years, I realized that she could be sullen and moody at times---and she tended to blame me for things that didn't make sense (at least to me!)---but that was all o.k. because she was my "friend".  It wasn't until we were in high school that I realized everything was "not" my fault as she had so often declared.  Unfortunately by that time, I was pretty much conditioned to believe that when we were together, it WAS my job to make sure she was "o.k." and having a good enough time.  Silly me but what did I know?  I was just a kid myself.  It wasn't until she kicked me to the curb (which she did in our 20s)...I finally figured out the lessons present in that particularly "complicated" relationship from my childhood...

For many complicated relationships, one party is expecting more than would be considered reasonable and customary from the other party.  This is pretty much at the heart of the codependent lifestyle and, believe me, it is NOT a lifestyle anyone should aspire to follow.  In the above-mentioned example, I can now say that my "friend" from childhood probably suffered from a major mood disorder that remained undiagnosed and untreated throughout our childhood years.  She "expected" me to do way too much for her in order for her to be less anxious, less depressed, and less moody.  That was NOT my job...but she thought it was!  Funny how that goes eh?  And if you think this dynamic doesn't occur in some of our adult relationships right here and right now, think again.  It is nobody's job to manage someone else's "baggage".  Remember the line I have posted in the past:  "When I work harder on your problem and your life than you do, this is not love."  Bingo!  It is NOT love when you make yourself over-responsible for someone else's "junk" that is their OWN responsibility to work on...and solve..in the first place!

Conversely, for the person who goes through life basically communicating "Hi!  I'm Sue!  It IS my fault!" or "Hi!  I'm Joe!  What can I do for you today to make you happy?!"...this is a problem, and contributes to attracting those complicated people with whom we form our complicated relationships.  Who died and made you or me the "Fixer" of anyone else's life?  Forget it!  Until we can view ourselves and others as being truly "equal" to each other---we won't!  It's that simple!  I have seen too many clients and friends over the years burn themselves out completely in the name of being a "good" friend or a "good" spouse or a "good" parent...and for what purpose?  To have their tombstone read:  "Man, was she a fabulous fixer of others!"  Spare me.  More like "Man, was she addicted to her own need to be needed!"  There you go.  The truth can hurt, but it never goes away...

Complicated relationships always have a basis in (1) power struggles, (2) inequality between the parties involved, and (3) a specific personal issue that is otherwise being ignored and/or denied by one or both people.  Pretty simple isn't it?

So---if you want to uncomplicated your relationship(s), start doing your own good work.  Get help if you feel the need for it.  It really is time to get off that hamster wheel!

Until next post...

Accepting What Is....For Now

We have a terrible time with acceptance as a general rule.  When things don't go in accordance with our own plans or expectations, it IS a problem.  After all, doesn't everybody think pretty much like I myself do?  That's what I'd like to think...or what you'd like to think....or what we'd all like to think.  Yet you thinking like me or me thinking like you isn't a general reflection of real life and right now reality.  Imagine that eh?

I am reminded right now of a dear friend whose sister is abysmal about contributing pretty much anything at family parties.  To summarize the issue, I will put it this way:  my friend is into food and it's preparation and presentation to others at family events---while her sister could care less.  So, as  you might be able to surmise, "sis" doesn't care about making something homemade to bring.  Sis doesn't even care that the party is at someone's home;  she'd rather meet at a local restaurant.  Meanwhile, my friend prefers family gatherings to take place in someone's home...she prefers to have homemade and "fresh" food to eat...and she would like family members to each bring something towards the cause.  Well---who is "right" here, if there is a "right" way to do family parties?  See what I mean?  What you think is great, someone else doesn't even think about it at all.  That's why acceptance of what is IS so difficult.  We'd rather not be reminded of how everyone else doesn't really think about things or do things in the same way we do ourselves...

Another example:  you believe your brother drinks too much.  What's too much?  Is it one drink a day every day for a month or more?  Is it 10 beers a night after work?  Is it not drinking at all Monday-Thursday, but batten down the hatches when the weekend comes?!  I can tell you from a professional perspective that the ability to drink even one drink a day for 30 days in a row (meaning a FIVE OUNCE glass of wine, meaning ONE can of beer, meaning ONE 1 oz. shot of hard liquor) signals a probable drinking problem.  Funny how that goes eh?  Yet think of all the people out there who have had one or more drinking-related mishaps (be them involving the legal system or not) over the course of their lives thus far---and who would scream from the housetops until eternity:  "I DO NOT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!"  Acceptance of what is isn't so easy when it requires change on top of acceptance just sayin'!

There is an old saying "Surrender is that still small space between acceptance...and change."  How did surrender get involved here?  Well, surrendering our own desire for a certain outcome or behavior is a pretty big issue for those of us who struggle with acceptance.  If I expect you to be on time whenever we make an appointment, and yet you are chronically late when we get together, what does that mean for me?  It means I better surrender my idea that you'll be on time for me when all evidence has shown that's not your thing---for anybody.  That's not to suggest that anybody who is "late" in my life gets a free pass because I "accept" it.  I can accept whatever someone else does or chooses because I cannot make them change for me.  Yet...I can also establish clear cut boundaries as to what will occur in the aftermath of such behavior.  Using the lateness example, if I am serving a holiday lunch here at 2PM;  you can show up at 4PM that's fine.  But you won't be eating dinner with the rest of us who are here.  Because, as I established, we are eating at 2PM.  Period.  To wait for latecomers is not only foolish, but enabling.  Not for me, not my thang.

Needless to say, accepting what is means that we honor another person's right to choose what he or she or they will or won't do...but we will also surrender our will for the outcome we desire AS we also establish what our "own" response will be.  We don't have to yell or scream or stomp about.  We just need to figure out what our personal boundaries are and what we will---or will not---put up with.

How "change" fits into this equation is to understand that the only person we can truly change in any way, shape, or form...is ourselves.  If someone else "changes" and tells us we inspired them...or encouraged them...or otherwise motivated them...that's fine.  But of course any of that is going to happen in accordance with THEIR own timing---and not ours.  I can't change you;  you can't change me.  But we can certainly discuss, and negotiate, and make compromises about what you prefer versus what I prefer so we achieve the ultimate "win/win" outcome.  You got some of what you wanted...and I got some of what I wanted too...

Accepting what is for now is about being gracious enough to understand everybody is free to choose what they do...even when it hurts or offends us in some way.  On the other hand, we can make sure how we respond remains respectful, truthful, and open so as to elicit potential possible and positive change(s)...in both of us!

Until next post...