Thursday, May 24, 2018

Feeling Better At Another's Expense....

Just over a year ago, I started a new Way of Eating;  in keto-speak we call that WOE.  I was sick and tired of being fat, and I was feeling physically worse as I watched age 60 come and go.  On May 1, 2017...I finally decided to go to a hospital-based clinic program to lose weight and get healthier.  I lasted on that program exactly one day.  I did buy their shakes and puddings and protein bars;  the only thing I liked were those bars.  160 calories and around 20 carb grams each.  By day two of the program, I figured that if I did the program "their" way...I'd be ingesting 800 calories a day and about 60 carb grams.  I wasn't having that.  Instead, I decided to eat 800 calories worth of "real" food...and keep my daily carb gram intake at between 30-35 grams per day.  At that point, I didn't think about protein grams or fat grams;  all I focused on was 800 calories or close enough to it each day---and 30-35 carb grams each day.

After month "one" of my Mary-Way-Of-Eating program...I lost 20 lbs.  I realized that if I ate anything with flour or sugar in it, that wasn't good.  Too many carbs and calories.  I also found that I didn't need my 20 mg. dose of Prilosec anymore after years (and years!) of acid reflux.  I didn't go to the gym during that month I might add.  I just did my own real life going to work and back, and of course shopping what woman can't get a good walk-out-work-out at the mall just sayin'!  ;-)

After month "two", I lost another 10 lbs.  Eventually, I realized I could substitute some of my favorite "bad" foods with better ones.  Rutabaga instead of potatoes.  Barbequed pork rinds instead of chips.  Sparkling ICE water instead of diet Coke.  Fathead "dough" instead of bread for pizza.  Etc. etc. etc.  Yes of course there were times I "indulged"...but I stuck to the "no flour" rule like a champ.  Ultimately, I found myself eating around 1,000 calories a day and around 40 carb grams.

Now, just over a year later, I have lost 108 lbs.  I went from a size 18-20...to an 8.  I won't lie;  I look awesome.  People can't believe I am 62 years old this year (but I will be!)…..and I feel fabulous.  Is that the end of my story?  Hell no it is not!  Why not?  Because now...since losing the weight...suddenly I have felt the pinch of other people wanting to make themselves feel better---at my expense.

For anyone who has made a significant change in their life (forget about weight...it could be achieving sobriety from drinking and/or drugs, going back to school, getting a "real" full time job, breaking up with an abusive partner, etc. etc.)….change like this can bring out the worst in others.  That's just a fact.

Believe me, I wish it weren't that way...but it is.  We'd all like to think that other people who know us and/or claim to even love us would be and are supportive of whatever positive changes we make.  Sadly, that's not always the case.  Instead of being kind, these folks can be downright mean and nasty because...they can!  Feeling better about ourselves at another's expense is not nice.  It's sh**y to be blunt about it.  And yet we do it so often and so easily, I have to wonder what makes this particular character flaw invisible to those of us who do it!

Well, I don't wonder actually;  I already know.  When we feel the pressure to get our own acts together in whatever capacity----it doesn't feel good.  Whomever has "done" their work of improving themselves may serve as a sore reminder of our own work we have yet to do ourselves...but have not yet started.  Instead of that other person or persons serving as inspiration, they become targets.  Which is, once again, not very nice.

We all know when someone says something that is more offensive than funny.  One of my friends called me Olive Oil the other day.  We laughed because I thanked her for that one!  NEVER and I do mean NEVER have I been called Olive Oil.  Now that was funny!  Yet when another friend basically suggests I am eating disordered "now" because I don't eat bread anymore....I have to wonder how deep is their resentment (towards me)!

In the end, how about if we all just focus on doing our own work while we are here to do it...and make a GOOD habit of checking ourselves before we wreck ourselves with what we say and do?  Not difficult people!  All anybody wants who achieves their goals is to lead and live better quality lives.  What's wrong with that?  Absolutely nothing!  If you can't or won't get your own act together, that's nobody's fault but your own.  Not mine.  Not his.  Not hers.  Grow up.  Do your work.  And be kind.

Until next post....

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Anosognosia

What is Anosognosia?  From the Greek, it means "without disease knowledge".  In other words, anosognosia is a deficit of self-awareness for persons who have some disability and are unaware of its existence.  With bipolar patients, about 40% struggle with this condition.  In schizophrenic patients, the percentage rises to 50%.  First named by neurologist Joseph Babinsksi in 1914, anosognosia comes from damage in certain brain structures, typically to both the fronto-temporal parietal area in the right hemisphere---and to the parietal lob.  As such, anosognosia is a nuerological disorder and NOT just an intense case of "being in denial".  Denial is a psychological defense mechanism...although it appears to present in the same way as anosognosia.  "I'm fine, I don't care if the doctors say I am bipolar;  I don't need any medicine!"  "That medication is poison I'm never ever taking it you're all trying to kill me!"  Anosognosia.  Denial, on the other hand is more like "Everyone has highs and lows;  that doesn't mean I'm bipolar!" or "I don't smell bad;  who needs to shower every day anyway?!"

How the brain gets damaged to create the condition of anosognosia currently involves looking at the impact of ongoing stress on the brain and body.  This is a focus of the latest research.  When we are stressed, our bodies release the hormone cortisol in order to prepare us to fight, run, or freeze.  It is known that too much cortisol and other related fight/fight/freeze hormones that are too often being "dumped" into our bloodstream (due to anxiety, panic, trauma, and other fear-based triggers) ultimately have a damaging and changed physiological impact on major organs of the body, including the brain.

Beyond that link to a cause, traumatic brain injury, stroke, and other disease processes can create the perfect storm for anosognosia to develop.  Not to mention drug and alcohol use, which also contributes.

Knowing a person with anosognosia is very frustrating because these clients have literally no self-awareness about what is literally wrong with them.  If you have ever been in love with someone who goes through "highs and lows" or is "extremely moody" or who can switch like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the same hour, day, week, or month.....that's not "normal" behavior just saying!  Regardless of the final diagnoses (personality disorder? major mood disorder?  untreated and undiagnosed ADHD?  PTSD? substance abuse?  all of the above?)....anosognosia is the "next" diagnosis to consider when you get that push-back from the person under observation/being assessed.

Nobody wants to be "ill";  yet there are many who are---and are choosing to do absolutely nothing to help manage their out-of-control mood states and/or psychotic-based thinking.  Now you know why.  It could be anosognosia as a part of their bigger picture mental health-related condition.

Now, perhaps, we can all understand why Uncle Jimmy or Cousin Tony hasn't gone for any kind of psychiatric treatment in all these years despite the drama, crisis, and choas they have consistently spread around to others like it was their job.  They may have anosognosia on top of whatever else they have, and have avoided facing!

Until next post...

Monday, May 7, 2018

The Mis-Representatives

A friend of mine was explaining dating to me from her perspective.  As a single woman who never married, she said one of the most frustrating aspects of the whole dating scene was meeting "The Representative".  The Representative is that person who shows up in our lives and who, over time, is nothing at all like what he (or she!) claimed to be---or be about.  And, I should add, to be or be about NOT in a good way!  (LOL!)  No surprise there right?  We have all done our fair share of mis-representing ourselves to others since the dawn of mankind!  Today's blog post is focused on what keeps us locked into the pattern of believing the "best" about the Mis-Representatives we have involved ourselves with in life...instead of cutting our losses and letting go before we get or got in too deep!

"Shay" (not her real name) was 22 when she met "Chuck".  Chuck was 15 years older, had just gotten out of a several years' long relationship, and wasn't really looking for new love.  They met at a mutual friend's party...and the rest was history.  From the moment they locked eyeballs, that was it, according to Chuck.  "She was everything I considered perfect in a woman", he claimed.  After several weeks, Chuck and Shay were not only a couple, but got married.  Their daughter was born within the first year of their meeting.  Then, as fate would have it, the sh** started hitting the proverbial fan...

To any outsider, it is clear that Shay and Chuck barely knew each other by the time they were married and started their family.  On the other hand, they also appeared to be on the same page about everything when in the presence of their respective family members and friends.  "They were so caring and loving to each other;  there's no way any of us thought it'd blow up", states Shay's older sister.  "He was such a good husband to her", claims Shay's best friend.  Well....regardless of who said what, the fact was that both Shay and Chuck were mis-representing themselves to one another from jump.  Chuck's cocaine problem never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Shay until he got down to 160 lbs. on his 6'3" frame.  Shay's spending habit never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Chuck until her credit card statement was seen on the kitchen table and to the tune of $9,000 for the month of February.  There were of course other issues contributing to the demise of Shay and Chuck's marriage....but these were not uncovered until the claws came out and both were looking to demonize the other publicly.  Such a sad and cautionary tale of why misrepresenting oneself is never a good idea.  Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just be association.  Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just by pretending their own unresolved issues and problems are "no big deal".  Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just because time passes by.  Shay and Chuck went through a hellacious divorce and sadly, the biggest casualty in that hot mess of misrepresenting and dysfunction was and remains their beautiful baby daughter...

What happened to Shay and to Chuck is not unusual.  Both were raised in families where the public persona was one kind of way---and the private realities were very different.  Shay and Chuck didn't stand a chance given all the misrepresenting they were each exposed to from the time of their own births!  How could they be rigorously honest with each other, when honesty was not an important core value in either of their family systems to begin with?  Even if they had each chosen to face their own demons in this regard, facing them was no guarantee of resolving those demons.  As I have said many times before, "What we face doesn't necessarily change, but what we change has ALWAYS been faced!"  There are two parts to any healing work we do:  we must face what we'd rather not face, but we must also DO OUR OWN WORK to change (for the better!) what we have faced.

Chuck did ultimately get into NA (Narcotics Anonymous) as one of his first steps towards personal healing and growth.  Which is a good thing.  How long he will last and remain connected to that healing community is not known.  Shay went on to marry another man;  her new husband is a professional athlete.  At least she won't have to worry about someone judging her credit card statements ever again...

Misrepresenting ourselves to others is a far worse fate over time than cleaning up our own acts.  It just is.  My hope for Shay and for Chuck is that their precious daughter will not repeat any similar dysfunctional legacy that came before her in her own adult life.

As is so true, it is only the truth that has any real power to set us free...

Until next post!