Problem Sufferer....or Problem Solver? (Part II of II)

When we have a problem that we do have the power and ability to solve on our own, we can still struggle with and choose problem suffering.  How is this possible?  It is possible because we keep choosing to suffer because it is more comfortably familiar than actually taking the risk of solving our own problem!  That's why.  Haven't you ever heard of the saying "Until the pain of our present is greater than the pain of making positive changes, we won't change."  As my one friend likes to say "Tru dat!"  And it is.  When we can't predict or control what will happen if...."I actually solve my problem!"...that can certainly be more frightening than living in the same muckety-muck we have become used to...

Problem suffering over our ongoing real life and right now problem(s) is not something someone like me has to teach clients about.  We all know what it's like to suffer over something that we aren't doing much or anything at all about to change for the better.  I lived it for decades in regards to my weight.  When I see photos "now" of me at my highest (probably over 300 lbs., but I sure wasn't going to weigh myself to confirm that fact!)...it is truly astounding to believe I perceived myself as I appear "now" (basically 1/2 that weight!).  It happens.  We use denial and delusion as tools to assist ourselves in maintaining our problem suffering status!  After all, why should I problem solve to get to the root(s) of why I turned to "food" pretty much for any reason at any time?  It was more "fun" and "gratifying" and "satisfying" to eat instead of to sit with my feelings (be them good or bad!) without getting food involved as often as I did!

Change is almost always uncomfortable to pursue proactively as a general rule.  It's one thing to have to suddenly "change" residences as a result of a devastating house fire.  It's another to quit smoking or vaping when we feel fine physically.

"Jemma" is a client I had many years ago who was extremely familiar with problem suffering as opposed to problem solving.  After her husband unexpectedly passed away, she lived in a constant state of shock and inaction until close relatives asked that I intervene.  Jemma was literally locked down in her own home by that time, and by her own choice.  Her fear was palpable that first day we met.  I went to her;  she would not come to me or go to anyone else for treatment.  Did I add that Jemma's husband died years before I saw her for the first time?

After we began working together, "Jemma" began to share what she believed happened to her to make her resist doing what was necesssary to solve her identifiable problem.  "I just can't' go through another huge loss in my life.." was one of Jemma's personal insights.  It is true that when we lose our "person" in life, let alone so suddenly and unexpectedly....we will NEVER ever get over that harsh reality.  However, we CAN learn to move past what happened by working through our own grief process---while learning to live again in spite of all.  I could say the same about anyone who has been through a devastating divorce they did not want or ask for.  When we lose someone so precious to us, it really does feel like the bottom just fell out from under our own life and world and will not be returning---ever!

And yet---what purpose does it serve to continue suffering and avoid the work of solving our own real life and right now problem?  Is such a choice to problem suffer (as Jemma did) a form of homage to her deceased spouse?  I mean, people who lose a loved one do this very often!  By choosing problem suffering as their personalized form of grief work, that's like choosing starvation as a form of achieving proper nutrition.  We need to check ourselves before we keep wrecking ourselves!  Problem suffering doesn't result in any good or desired outcomes!  It only results in more and continued suffering!  With Jemma, her "grief" over the loss of her husband transformed her into someone who no longer wanted to "do" anything but sit at home and be sad all day and every day.  Not just for weeks or months...but for years.

As I mentioned earlier, divorced adults who didn't want or ask for their divorce are at the same exact risk of suspending their own life post divorce as Jemma did after the death of her husband.  I have seen these women and men who, many years after their divorce, are still highly traumatized and upset about "what happened" to them and/or their child(ren) as if the divorce occurred last week.  This is not helpful.  This is problem suffering ad nauseum!

In many of these cases, there are underlying "other" more relevant problems that represent the root(s) of the original issue(s) leading to problem suffering as a lifestyle choice.  Often these roots are the other, past traumas, that were not properly processed and worked through so we could move past them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually speaking.  It's like this:  if you are driving on the freeway and suddenly feel the hit from behind of someone who has rear-ended you---you expect just that one "hit" and that's that.  But what happens when you feel another unexpected and unwanted "hit"..then another...then another after that...and before you know it---you have been hit from behind beyond several times without any idea as to what the heck is going on and why right now?  Like a 50 car pileup on the freeway, one bad thing suddenly leads to another and another and another....and you didn't "see" any of it happen with your own eyeballs!

The brain does not know to say to us, "Hey!  What you are feeling right now is from that trauma you went through in 1974 because you just got triggered by seeing that white van speed past your house in this moment!"  No...the brain knows no timeline to remind us of "when" the bad that happened to us in the past actually happened!  It all feels like NOW NOW NOW when it comes to unprocessed and past traumas from our own lives!  This doesn't help us when we are caught up in problem suffering as a chosen lifestyle.  We are feeling very bad....we don't know how to feel better without harming ourselves (eating, drinking, drugging, stealing, sexing, gambling, etc.)...and still the problem suffering continues on anyway!

One of my favorite radio psychotherapists addressed this issue the other day by saying that problem suffering is often a "go to" strategy for people who are into being dramatic and manipulative as part of their own chosen personality style. I agree.  Cluster Bers are those individuals who are defined as "dramatic and erratic" by nature.  These are your narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, and sociopaths.  We all know who they are.  Nobody on this planet has ever NOT met a Cluster Ber sometime in their own lives!  Well...when problem suffering serves a purpose in the mind of a Cluster Ber...it's all good!  "I get what I want faster and more often when I problem suffer!" is a typical response I get when a Cluster Ber is finally honest about why he or she engages in it so often.  

On the other hand, once a problem we have is genuinely and finally "solved"...then the problem suffering associated with that particular problem is also solved!  What is not to want or like about that?!

I remember years ago a client who had really bad teeth.  This person was on a never-ending bender about his fears regarding "the dentist", "the expense", "the pain"...among other fears associated with his issues around his teeth and smile.  Ultimately, I informed him of two options;  one extremely simple and easy (the "Snap On" smile)...and the other much less expensive than he otherwise believed (other side of border in Mexico).  Don't balk.  Trained at many of the prestigous dental schools in this country, these Mexican-based dentists are offering a service that allows folks to obtain dental implants for less than half the cost it would be in this country to obtain them.  Of course, having friends or relatives just this side of the Mexican border helps...but it still remains a viable option.

Contrary to popular belief, whatever the problem is that we genuinely have ourselves and have the power and control to solve for ourselves...we can do it!  Problem suffering is not an option when we know how that accomplishes nothing to eliminate our problem and solve it once and for all.

If you need help transitioning yourself from problem sufferer to problem solver, you know how to find me or someone else who is a licensed and trained mental health professional.  Do your work.  It's worth doing.

And once again---be you, be real, and be smart!

You can do this!

;-)

Problem Sufferer....or Problem Solver? (Part I of II)

Are you a problem sufferer or a problem solver?  Sounds like an easy enough question, but if you ever spent more time worrying, agonizing, and/or feeling anxious over a problem not yet solved, resolved, or dissolved---you have engaged in problem suffering.

Problem suffering is easy to do.  Why?  One of the reasons we problem suffer is because we have no real power or ability to control the outcome of the problem itself whether we realize this fact or not.  This would be like turning yourself inside out over someone else's problem with an eating disorder.  You don't have the ability to control what goes into anybody else's mouth, and you already know that.  Yet so often we can easily forget this fact when the suspected eating disorder in question involves someone like our spouse, adult child, grandchild, or bff.  Isn't that the truth?  It's like we "know" what we know to be true at one level of consciousness (we don't have any real power over solving anybody else's genuine problem!)...and yet here we go again worrying, agonizing, and feeling anxious over it until we "figure out" the magical solution we believe will fix, save, or rescue our loved one from their problem once and for all.

What we CAN do when someone we love and care about has a problem that directly or indirectly affects us is this:  to focus on (1) encouraging our person to "do" his or her work to solve their problem without relying on excuses, other people, or some form of "magic" to solve it for them, (2) inspire our person to meet, read about, listen to, and/or watch others who have or have had the same problem and are doing their own work to solve it day by day, and (3) possibly motivate our person to actually do what it is that needs be done to ovecome their problem on a daily basis.  That's it.  That's all anyone on the outside of someone else's problem can do that is helpful---and not harmful.

The ways in which we encourage, inspire, and possibly motivate someone we care about to solve their own problem does involve the proper establishment and maintenance of personal boundaries.  When we forget where we end and our loved one begins, it feels very overwhelming to both parties involved.  If I felt the need to call you every morning to make sure you woke up on time for your job, how is that "encouraging", "inspiring", and "possibly motivating" to the person with the problem?  It isn't.  It just means I am allowing myself to function as your personal alarm clock, which makes me feel better about myself (at least for a time!) more than anything else.  You certainly won't be encouraged or inspired or motivated to solve your lateness issue by relying on me to wake you up every morning!  You'll merely become comfortable with the process.  That isn't good.  That is codependency.  That is me enabling you to remain stuck in your problem.  That is me feeling a sense of power and control over solving your problem "for" you by reducing myself down to a human buzzer to wake you up every morning.  Spare me!

When we establish personal boundaries, it means that we don't jump to "friendly offer" the fix, the save, or the rescue to anybody else as a general rule.  If someone asks for our help about something they struggle with...we offer EMOTIONAL SUPPORT which, once again, comes in the form of encouragement, inspiration, and POSSIBLE MOTIVATION.  Yes, of course we can offer possible solutions, but it is still up to the other person with the problem to pursue their solution of choice.  Not you, not me, not anybody else.

If you are a serial cheater as boyfriend or girlfriend of someone you claim you love and would never purposefully hurt....is it then your partner's responsibility to manage your life together so you will not be tempted to cheat?  OMG just STOP if you believe this bucket of bologna!  I have seen so many men and women who have bent over backwards to try and "cure" their partner's cheating lifestyle to the cost of their own health, career, child(ren), finances, and other important relationships.  It is truly sickening when we allow ourselves to problem suffer to the point of losing our dignity, integrity, and all that we considered sacred---over someone with a problem he or she had no REAL desire or interest in solving for themselves---ever!

Problem suffering is a chosen lifestyle.  Maybe you learned it from your mother---or your father---or your grandparents---or your sibling(s).  Who knows?  Yet we do often repeat what we learned from our past that we are not acknowledging or facing "now" in our present life.  When we become more comfortable with avoiding our real life and right now problems by recycling them like dirty laundry, the fact is they don't every come out "clean" just because we keep recyling them over time.

All problems that are happening now, and in our real lives, are meant to be solved, resolved, or dissolved.  That's it.  Problems were not designed to hang around and cause us ongoing suffering.  When we suffer over any problem we do or do not have ourselves, that's our own fault---and our own choice.

Next post, when we problem suffer over a problem we DO  have the power and ability to solve on our own...because it IS our "own" problem and not anyone else's!