Today's post is about our gut reactions when someone we love and/or care about is verbally abusive. As today's blogpost title indicates, we feel initially shocked, then scared, then angry, and then confused...all within the blink of an eye. So what do we do about it? How do we avoid engaging in the same old same old "drama" on our part that easily leads to the Fight-Flight-Freeze-Fawn responses to active abuse (of any kind!) that are so typical of humanity?
The 4F's of Trauma responses comes naturally to all of us. We either fight, or we flee, or we freeze, or we start "giving" like it's our job (fawn) in order to try and solve, resolve, or dissolve the issue at the root of our immediate problem. For example, when someone says something to us that is verbally abusive, and has done so with or without provocation, how are we supposed to react/respond without napalm-bombing the situation to make it even worse? Let's take a look at our options:
1. "I hear you, but I have no idea what you meant by saying that to me now. Can you please explain?"
2. "Wow. Did I do or say something to offend you that we haven't yet discussed? That was harsh!"
3. "Did you just say to me (repeat what was just said)? I have to wonder where that came from."
4. "Wait. What?!"
5. "I hear you, but I sure don't understand what you meant by that. Please explain yourself."
If you can't already tell, these initial reactions and responses take the accusation/harsh judgment/verbal attack "away" from you (to figure out and manage yourself!)---and puts the responsibility for explaining himself/herself/themselves back into the hands of the person who was verbally abusive towards you in that moment.
We may know this is the right thing to do, but our fear (often towards the person who is being verbally inappropriate) prevents us from saying what we mean, meaning what we say, and not saying it mean in the moment of the transgression committed against us. Yet we have to do what's right. Fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning is NOT the right reaction or response. When we do that, we are giving permission to ourselves and to the other person involved to keep treating the abuse going on between us as something we are accepting as "normal" enough for our relationship. Sadly, active abuse is NEVER a "normal" relationship dynamic...except for those who agree to engage in it repeatedly over time!
For those who are genuinely "afraid" of their person....we have to remember that the last time we checked, that person was and is not the G-O-D of our own life. You follow me? Nobody and I do mean NO-BODY on this planet is the boss of you....unless you permit it! After all, we do teach people how to treat us---even when the way(s) we have taught them involves neglect, rejection, invalidation, trauma, and active abuse!
Love does NOT equal neglect, rejection, invalidation, trauma and abuse. Yet that's what too many of us have learned from the time we were small children. When this is our "model" for how relationships work, everything gets reduced down to "Who is the boss today?" and "Who is the servant today?"...and then is complicated by the "Who" part of that equation. If you are addicted to your mom's approval, acceptance, and "love"...you will function as her servant more often than not. If your boyfriend is addicted to you, he will be addicted to your approval, acceptance, and "love"...and function as YOUR servant more often than not . But wait! What about your best friend "Joe"? Or "Sam"? Or your co-worker "Margie" at work? You neighbor next door "Fred"? Can you see how our relationship life can morph into major drama when we are entrenched in a pattern of behaviors where we have to keep discerning WHEN we are truly "equal" to someone else---verus being in the "one up" or "one down" position with him/her/them? Needless to say, this codependent trap lifestyle AND people feeling free to say whatever and whenever that is cruel, hurtful, and invalidating.....these are the interpersonal dynamics NOBODY wants to be stuck living by for the rest of their own natural lives!
Someone just mentioned the other day to me that when they are in the presence of their boyfriend, it is very difficult to feel completely "safe" with him. "He just is too unpredictable and moody. I never know when he will be or get mad when we are together." Wow. Is that life anybody on this planet should aspire to acquiring? I surely don't think so. Do you?
Walking on eggshells as part of what is supposed to be close and committed monogamous relationship surely need not involve a partner who is unpredictable, easily "set off" by circumstances he/she/they don't "like", and who feels free to attack their nearest living target in order to feel better about themselves. This is what constitutes an actively abusive dynamic people! Without true equality between the two people in the relationship, without mutual respect, without HONESTY and honest exchanges of information and care---it won't be a love-bonded relationship. It will be a trauma-bonded relationship!
And when a relationship is more trauma-bonded than it is love-bonded....things won't turn out well for either party involved over time.
Next post, about trauma-bonding and why it is such a scourge on our culture that needs to be actively resolved once and for all!