Saturday, September 28, 2013

Intangible Inheritances...

You know how there are just some things in life that do not require intensive psycho-social research studies in order to validate?  Today's post is about the intangible inheritances handed down from generation to generation within any given family system.  Why bother?  In my own humble opinion, it represents one of those topics very few are willing to openly look at---let alone discuss.

Genograms represent one tool we psychotherapists use with clients to help uncover "who was like what" within one's own family.  For example, I will have clients start with the oldest known family member on "dad" and/or "mom's" side of the family.  For purposes of example, let's say that would be great grandfather John Jones.  Instead of focusing on the typical genealogical information one would expect to gather about "great grandpa Jones"...genograms focus on that ancestor's "issues" and lifestyle.  Through this type of information gathering that can come from a combination of known facts and "repeated family stories/family lore about...", my clients are then able to get a fuller picture of "who" their ancestors truly were as real-life everyday people.

In my own case, I always had very limited genealogical information about my own maternal grandfather (who died before my mother even married).  YET...I heard several of the "same" stories about my grandfather Eli from both my mother and my aunt over the years since I was born.  One of them had to do with my grandfather coming over to the U.S. on his own and without my grandmother in order to work here until he "saved" enough to pay her passage to this country.  It took him thirteen years to do that.  Okay.  Now there are some people who would believe that to be an unimportant
"factoid" of no real use or purpose.  However, when combined with the other "stories" I heard about my grandfather....let's just say he managed to party like a rock star while working two jobs that were "legit" and two jobs that were not by the time he brought my grandmother over to Detroit.  He of course continued in those jobs long after my aunt and mother were born during the 1920s era.  To say my grandfather was a "hard working fellow" pales when compared to the amounts of money he let slip through his fingers while whooping it up on a daily basis.

Things like homicides, suicides, alcoholism, poor general health, anxiety, depression, gambling, illegitimate children, abortion, multiple marriages....these are just some of the many "legacies" that can be uncovered while creating one's own family genogram.  In my own case, the maternal side of my family read like a Who's Who of personal irresponsibility (that would be "sloth" for the fundamentalists out there)...alcoholism...gambling....gluttony (literally and figuratively)....
and sociopathy (not abiding by the rules and functioning without empathy in relationships).  Wow.  Funny how that skipped a generation with me ;-) --- but it sure didn't with other close family members in this present generation.  As controversial as this may sound, it's also pretty astounding when my gay, lesbian, and transgendered clients realize how they are not the "first" within their own family system to have remained a life-long "bachelor" (male) or an "old maid" (female).  Inotherwords, there are always threads of "what's up" within any given family system when we take the time to notice and identify them.

So what's the good news?  As would be true for any family system, just because your grandpa Jo and great-grandma Flo spent their lives in prison for murder does NOT mean you are "doomed" to repeat the same mistakes in your own "present" life.  Just like some things cannot be changed (your blue eyes, your height, or your family history of cancer)...there are many things that CAN be changed.  Until you realize what those things are which need to be changed, I have to say it is pretty easy to fall into the "same old same old" without ever realizing how you got there.  I will be the first to admit that back in my own heyday of the late 70s and early 80s---I could chug beer like a champion and even broke more than one beer glass on a tabletop to prove it.  Had I not become aware of my own family's history with "drinking" and "bootlegging" and "getting hit by the streetcar when he was drunk" and it's "link" to my drinking-related lifestyle choices at that time---perhaps I would have remained a beer chugging party girl today instead of the fine upstanding psychotherapist I now am.  ;-)

In the end, knowing what came before us is a good thing.  It can help us to see what we may have control over changing---and for the better---in our own lives.  It's nothing to be afraid of, but it is something worth noticing.  The way you "are" naturally didn't just happen by osmosis;  you are one link in a very long chain of family history that came before you.  So why not take some time to find out "what" chinks in the chain there are---and how you might go about repairing them in your own life.

See you next time!



 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Vulnerability...

Oprah has been featuring Dr. Brene Brown in recent days to discuss the topic of vulnerability and being vulnerable.  I watched a bit of last Sunday night's program and liked what I saw.  One thing that jumped out at me was a one-liner Dr. Brene put out there as it related to the partner who is "shut down" emotionally more so than the other in a marriage.  She admitted she was that person in her own personal life and added how difficult it is to "have someone like you more than you like you".  Bingo Dr. Brene!  As such, here's my take on how vulnerability is the only key there is for any of us who aspire to being or becoming "real" with ourselves---and with others we claim to care about...

I have met and known the "old" Dr. Brene (by her own admission) many times in my life.  You know, the emotionally "shut down" person who basically INFERS to you in the context of your initial contact and/or developing relationship:  "Here's the line.  Don't cross it.  I will not talk to you or anyone else about a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.i.j.k.l.m.n.o.p.q.r...o.k. we can talk about "t" but only if I am in the mood that day", etc. etc.  Some people are fine with this "type" of relational dynamic;  there are MANY people in this world we share who do NOT rely on "other people" to discuss the "deeper" subjects of life and relationships.  Or that's how it at least appears to those of us who don't understand the "invulnerable" among us.  Like Dr. Brene stated in her Oprah interview, it IS very difficult to be vulnerable when someone likes you more than you like yourself!  What are you supposed to do with that information?  There's a part of us that says "What?!  I BETTER keep my mouth shut now or I risk blowing my cover given who they think I am as a person!"  Then of course there's the other part of us that says "Yikes!  Whatever I've done or said to give them such a great impression of me...do I have to keep this up for as long as we are in a relationship?!"  What a pickle eh?  Not really.  Not when practicing vulnerability is what will move us out of a "have-to-do" mentality and into one that basically provides us with a interpersonal freedom like we've never before experienced!

Vulnerabilily that is real and authentic is rooted in our abilities to genuinely (a) trust, and (b) be humble.  Now....for all of us who have been through an ongoing series of disappointing and/or traumatic life events...it doesn't take a genius to figure out how "trust" can get messed up at a very early age, let alone over the course of time.  I've had clients crying buckets over their "first love" who betrayed them 20, 30, and 50 years ago.  I've had adult children so angry over the abuse and neglect they endured at the hands of their mentally ill parent(s).  Unexpected job loss, a catastrophic illness, the death of a loved one...there is so much that can "shatter" our trust into a million little pieces from the time we are born to the time we die.  To put it very bluntly, we ALL have walked through the sh** in our personal lives.  Nobody gets a free pass when it comes to that.  Everyone has been through drama, trauma, and authentic injusticies committed against them for no good reason.

YET...do we allow our past experiences with our own trust being shattered into pieces to serve as the justification for a present-life ice-ing (meaning to function more "emotionally shut down" than not!) with basically ANYONE we involve ourselves with?  I've seen parents "ice" their own children in this way;  I've seen in between partners in a so-called "loving" relationship.  This ice-ing practice is, when you think about it, beyond ridiculous.  If you trusted yourself enough to marry somone and then have children with them....why would you make a habit of treating them as if they can't be trusted because of your OWN issues with "vulnerability"?!  Oh...but now we are getting into the judgment portion of this blog post which has to do with a lack of HUMILITY as feeding the beast of one's inability to be or become "real" by being or becoming "vulnerable"...

Humility isn't possible without gratitude.  Think about that.  If you focus your attention too much so on all that's "wrong" in your life or with your life or with what you want from life but didn't get yet---YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GRATITUDE.  And----you also have a problem with being humble.  Regarding gratitude, who really "owes" you a good life anyway?  Who "owes" you an easy life?  Regardless of your own world view....we still each have responsibility for our own daily load in life.  When we don't get what we want....we can very easily erode away at the inner reserve of "gratitude" we were each given the opportunity to develop since birth.  Regarding humility, it doesn't just "happen" to a person because it's Thursday and 3:00PM.  Humility starts in your own heart and whether or not you are genuinely thankful for "all" associated with who you are, what you have been blessed with, and this very chance at life you've been given.  In my practice, I see lots of people who work or are heavily involved in Christian ministry.  I have also seen the tremendous hypocrisy (which is beyond sad!) of playing "completely vulnerable" at church...while BEING "completely INvulnerable" at home and behind closed doors.  What the...?!?!?  Listen, you can't be "under God's control" only on Sundays between 10AM and 12PM, but then the rest of the week you get to be completely "in control"----playing the small "g" god in the lives of your partner, children, and extended family members!  The only figure in the entire universe who has the authentic right to be omniscient 24/7 and for all eternity is God!  The rest of us are called to be humble...because we are grateful...because we know who "really" is in charge and guess what?  It's not you...it's not me...it's not your mama...it's not your daddy...it's the God of This Universe as you understand Him.  But puleeze---do NOT MISunderstand him as being yourself!  We are all special...but we are also all ordinary.  Chew on that for a few and see what comes out the other end.

For some, learning (or re-learning) to say "please" and "thank you" and genuinely mean it is the beginning of "practicing" vulnerability with others.  Without gratitude and humility, forget it---you will behave not unlike a dictator that only wants to "do" or "say" whatever when he or she feels like it.  Period.  What a terrible way to live.  Keeping others always at an emotional arms length away until...until what?  Until you decide that you may NEVER like yourself as much as someone else does and therefore that's THEIR problem?  Puleeze! 

When my therapist told me 20 years ago that I needed to be kinder and gentler to myself in order to be kinder and gentler to others...she was NOT lying!  Vulnerability is the key to freely giving and receiving love...and it's the key to feeling "really" good about who you "really" are over time.  So...today is the first day for all of us.  Let's try practicing what will give us a true hope for this day instead of just re-experiencing the same old garbage from yesterday...



 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Catastrophic Truths....

Everyone has something they don't want to face.  Yet, as the old saying goes, everything that changes (for the better!) is always faced, though everything that's faced doesn't always change.  These "things" we don't like facing are called lots of things;  the term I love to use best is "catastrophic truths".

Catastophic truths.  Where would any of us be without them?  Show me a person who doesn't have some catastrophic truth (or ten or twenty!) that they avoid facing like the plague...and I'll show you someone who is dead.  Seriously.  Nobody alive on this planet is catastrophic-truth free.  We all have them.  We all carry them around like filled-to-the-brim loads of garbage.  The problem lies in whether our catastrophic truths are truly "real"...or merely imagined in our own minds.  Beyond that, whether our catstrophic truths can be solved or resolved if, indeed, they are legitimate and occurring right now in our present lives...

Just today on Dr. Phil, one of his old shows from nearly ten years ago was entitled "Stepford Wives" and had to do with women who felt obsessed with behaving "perfectly" in order to be acceptable to those around them.  One women being featured on the show was so into avoiding her own catastrophic truth on this issue that she lied constantly about what she was doing whenever she got a phone call at home.  "I'm just putting a roast in the oven..", or "I just was baking cookies for the kids..".  I mean this woman had it bad.  It may sound far-fetched, but I was immediately reminded of someone from my own life who is very similar.  If you call her, she seems to have a million and one reasons why she can't do anything else but babysit her grandchildren, prepare meals, and/or clean her home (in that order).  As the lady on Dr. Phil said when pressed as to "why" she behaved in the ways she did---she said she felt "worthless" and that she would be "found out" if she honestly expressed herself to others.  Wow.  And yet behaving like a Stepford wife who has it all together by being "productively busy" every moment of every day was going to convey an authentically positive image?  I tell ya, we are notorious for believing our own fantasy-based press releases when it comes to who and what we "think" we are presenting to the world around us!  People are generally not as dumb as we like to believe them to be.  If you are spinning yourself out with "being busy" 24/7 in service to your (insert objects of obsession here)...the rest of us "see" that and notice it too.   Don't kid yourself.  You're not as bad as you think you are...but you're not as good either.

I once heard denial described as a "shock absorber for the soul".  That's true when a person has been through some traumatic life event and can't "cope" with all the ramnifications of having 100% recall of what happened to them and when.  Yet the type of denial being alluded to in today's post is very different.  This "other" type of denial is what gives license to a person to behave as badly and as dysfunctionally as they want to without even considering the "further" damage they are causing by their own actions.  Inotherwords, denying your own catastrophic truths while creating "new" pain in the lives of others is NOT a good thing---ever.  Like the person I referenced earlier who functions as everyone else's "savior" in her own family system...but in the meantime is teaching them all how to remain irresponsible, pleasure-driven, and in denial themselves about their own shortcomings.  Wow.  What kind of legacy is that?  A pretty crappy one if you ask me...if you are asking that is!

Catastrophic truths won't kill you.  Facing them is the first step in setting yourself free from their impact.  Do you think you're the first person on planet earth who feels or has felt "worthless" unless you.....??  Unless you (insert your fantasy-based press released here).  I am also reminded of all these Generation Y'ers who have it really bad (unfortunately!) for being raised to believe if they take a poop, they deserve a trophy for it.  How horrible must it be to want and strive for all the "great things" that life has to offer materially speaking...and yet be literally bankrupted in so many ways from the inside out.  Getting something for nothing rarely works...and even when it seems like it works, it doesn't for very long.  (Think Bernie Madoff folks;  he and his ilk are supposed to have taught us a great deal about insatiable greed and what it ultimately leads to.)  I wonder how many of those Generation Y'ers have also had mothers like the one described earlier (you know..the "savior" type of mama bear!).

If you know you have issues with facing what you don't want to face.....that's what psychotherapy is for.  I mean if you have done life so far your way and find yourself still miserable (in whatever ways you define your misery!)...don't you think that "now" is a good time to try something different with someone who can at least guide you through the process of getting your inner stuff together and in a new and healthier way?  Everyone does deserve to know and experience inner peace "naturally" and for more than a few minutes.  Your chance for change is now.  Take it because you ARE worth it. 









 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Forgiving the Unforgivable - Part II

Forgiving the unforgivable seems impossible for those who struggle with bitter feelings towards themselves...or others...for all the "wrongs" that have been committed over the course of time and space.  Last time, I wrote about how a person can go from having an expectation (of oneself or of someone else)...and how that can ultimately lead to being and feeling "bitter" when what we expect doesn't happen---over and over again.  Today I am going to write about why forgiveness is so important in our own ability to move past and move forward instead of staying traumatically bonded (and stuck!) in our own bitterness about...????  (About "whatever"!)

First, let's talk about the person who can't forgive himself or herself.  I have met this type many times in my office.  "You don't understand what' I've done in my life...", "you may think you have heard it all about what people are capable of, but you haven't heard about what I've done..", blah blah blah.  Listen, I get it.  People (including you, including me) are capable of doing very bad things.  I see the t.v. news every evening just like you do;  I've known people in my personal life who ruined their own lives and the lives of others because of their various and assorted "choices" (as an aside:  one of my favorite new memes is this one:  "Everything happens for a reason.  But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make stupid choices.").  I've also trained in a prison environment.  What's not to understand, right?  But for people who are hell-bent on "Nobody knows or understands the pain I've caused.." my two cents is this:  Get over yourself.  For the person who really thinks this way, you're basically telling me that you are god (small "g" for sure on that one!) and you know better than "any" god (including the "real" one!) what you should and should not be forgiven for.  Really?  What's the purpose of that?  Are you a masochist?  Are you just wanting an excuse to keep doing bad things?  Are you a demon?  I don't know.  What I DO know is that you won't be able to step up and out of the quicksand you created for yourself if you can't forgive yourself for whatever sins of the past you are traumatically bonded to.  As I have told clients before, Jeffrey Dahmer (who ate the people he tortured and killed by the way!), as a result of his own conversion experience, was able to forgive himself for his past.  Grant it, he was killed in prison shortly aftwards anyway...but at least he had his own measure of peace as a result of turning his life and will over to God as he understood Him.  So don't give me this "I can't forgive myself" garbage.  Yes you can---because there is a God, and you are NOT Him!

I know that paragraph just read very "rough" and not exactly as grace-filled as you might have expected---but too bad.  Sometimes the truth has to be presented "rough" because what you're doing to yourself to keep yourself traumatically tied up to your past is even rougher on you and those you claim to "love" in the bigger picture!

Forgiveness has always been about breaking bondages that keep you stuck in a place that has no useful purpose "now" in your present life.  Remember how I've written over and over again about how the past is supposed to teach you the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat those same mistakes "now" in your present life?  Well, forgiveness allows you to do that without getting all caught up in "what happened to me then" and "how it messed me up" (meaning you...not me;  I wasn't there!).  Also, there are some people who are literally addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos...so they like being stuck in their own traumatic past because it gives them an excuse to remain "high drama" now.  Which is no good of course, but that is what it is until they decide to get help.

I think of what I read once in a book about Death Row inmates:  how they would rather die than speak of the abuse they endured by a mother or father who they wanted so badly to believe "loved" them....even as they sat on Death Row and became (in large part!) who they are because of their traumatic (and unspoken!) past.  Talking about "what happened" to you in an honest manner with a trained professional (like me!) is the beginning of setting yourself free from the damage you suffered physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually speaking.  But being able to ultimately forgive yourself and those who hurt you....that's a big BIG "chunk" of what it takes to move past and on with your life in a good way.

Forgiveness isn't about saying "It's o.k. what you did to me" to your past and/or present abuse perpetrators.  But yet (which is so strange to me, but I've seen it!) I witness or hear about these adult children still going over to "see" and visit with their abusive parents/siblings/family members as if it is all "o.k." anyway and always was.  What the..?!?!  This behavior is mind boggling to me because abuse is NEVER o.k.  If someone in your life is abusive "now"...why can't you open your mouth and say "This is NOT o.k.!" and set some boundaries if you insist on spending time with them?  Instead, you put up with their crap---pretending it isn't crap at all---and then of course repeat the same abusive pattern in your own life without ever connecting the dots as to how you "learned" it in the first place!  DOH!

Forgiveness is about YOU recognizing what happened to you (or what you did!)...repenting from it (your "I'm sorry please forgive me!" to yourself, to God as you understand Him, and to those you have injured...or between you and God as you declare "I forgive him;  I forgive her")....and then turning yourself around (changing your own behavior!) so you can MOVE ON and PAST what has kept you stuck in the muck of your traumatic background for however long.  Not everyone who you choose to forgive will even acknowledge what they did that was "bad" to you in the first place.  This is why sometimes (many times!) practicing forgiveness is between you and God alone.  I have had clients cry their eyes out over sexually abusive family members who deny deny deny and will continue to deny until their last breaths.  Oh well.  You still have to be able to untangle yourself from that traumatic bond and move on right?  So do it.

My favorite quote on forgiveness is this one:  The funny thing about forgiveness is that by letting go of something outside of ourselves, it gives us peace inside of ourselves.






 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Forgiving the Unforgivable...

As a psychotherapist, I have seen innumerable clients who have had an extremely difficult time with both offering and receiving forgiveness.  As one of the most misunderstood acts of grace and freedom associated with our human condition, I believe that the principle of forgiveness is best understood by being clear on what leads up to its need and purpose.  Once we know what it is we do to keep ourselves traumatically bonded to one another, we perhaps may only then find it easier and more necessary to forgive---and to be forgiven.

Anyone in a relationship has expectations.  That is a fact.  Two friends---two spouses---two coworkers---two siblings---two "whatever";  we all have expectations as to "how" our relationship needs to be if, indeed, it's going to be a "good" one.

Yet, as occurs in real life and in real relationships, nobody is perfect.  We all say things and do things that, in their own way, pop the bubble of expecting the best from each other.  I remember the time when a friend of mine found out her boyfriend of several months was wearing a toupee instead of having a full head of hair.  She broke it off with him immediately not because he was bald, but because he was deceitful about his hair-impaired status.  As she said, "I of course would have been disappointed to find out the guy was bald during those first weeks we started to hang out together;  it's worse now knowing he kept the secret for that long thinking it was "good" for our relationship!"  And she was right.  Why?  Because by hiding the truth for several months as this man did, he presumed he could persuade my friend to stay with him once the truth came out.  What this man didn't realize was that secret keeping was a very big deal for my friend who expected complete honesty in her important personal relationships.  As it turned out, this man also had issues with substance abuse, a violent temper, and infidelity.  Talk about dodging a major bullet by breaking up with him when she did.  Whew!

Whenever someone does NOT meet an expectation we have of them, the obvious response in us is going to be disappointment.  We don't like what happened or what was said;  we are disappointed and at this point are presented with two choices:  talk about it in order to resolve it...or keep our mouths shut.  Which do you think is the better choice to pursue?  Which choice do you think the majority of us selects?  Listen, of course it is easier to just keep our mouths shut because who likes "confrontation" in any form anyway?  Right now I know someone whose parent is giving away money right and left to some grifter in their area and has been doing so for years.  $50,000 later he is STILL "hesitant" about talking to his mother about her behavior---let alone the grifter who is reaping the benefits of this woman's generosity.  What the?!?!  Yeah, I know.  But in reality, people don't want to have ANY kind of "uncomfortable discussion" with anyone when it means setting some boundaries for yourself and being clear on HOW you were disappointed and why.  Too bad.  This is why so few disappointments ever get truly resolved.  Nobody confronts their offender(s) about how they were offended in the first place and before you know it, WHOOPS!  There we go again with another disappointment based on the same unrealistic or "never discussed" expectation between the two parties!

When expectations aren't shifted or adjusted, and when disappointment(s) aren't actively discussed and resolved, ANGER is what settles in next.  When a person is angry at someone's disappointing behaviors, it means that the "problem" is still focused on the inappropriate behavior and not the offender as a person.  Anger and angry feelings are the result of too many unresolved disappointments, regardless if those disappointments come from a single expectation not being repeatedly met---or several different expectations not being met.  For example, you may feel extremely disappointed that your partner "drinks too much" when alcohol is available at events you attend together...but if he also can't keep a job for very long, is consistently late for events, treats his friends better than he treats you----can you see how "anger" would quickly replace feelings of "mere disappointment"?  Too many unresolved disappointments = one angry person.

When anger stemming from one or more unresolved disappointments is not appropriately discussed and resolved, resentment is sure to follow.  Resentment has been often referred to as "hardened chunks of anger", which it is.  Now, the person is the problem and not just his or her inappropriate and/or offensive behaviors.  "He should know by now I can't stand it when he...." "She did that on purpose because she knows how it drives me mad.." etc. etc.  That's resentment.  The problem with resentment is that it becomes more difficult to sit down and appropriately discuss "what's gone wrong" and how to resolve everything because the associated expectations, disappointments, and angry feelings leading to resentment can feel like one big giant ball of "rage" and "lost hope" with no resolution as being even remotely possible....

When a person moves past resentment, he or she reaches what is referred to as "the island of invulnerability"---or bitterness.  Being bitter is when people start vowing to themselves things like "I'm done with ALL biotches!" or "Nobody will ever want me!"  Bitterness is representative of the belief that all hope IS gone and one's heart has truly been shattered into a million unrepairable pieces.  It is at this stage and phase that people find themselves as being "unforgivable" as perpetrators of pain...or unable to forgive "the unforgivable" as recipients of that same level of pain and suffering.  If resentment is akin to taking poison with the hope that the other person who has hurt you will die---then bitterness is taking poison and making sure anyone around you takes a good dose as well before you're dead and gone.   Bitterness is one way to transmit pain without letting it transform you into a better person over time....

Next time, we will discuss how forgiveness works in setting you free from the traumatic bonds of your own painful past and choices....