I'm Not Your Toy

La Roux is a female singer from somewhere in Europe;  I first heard of her when the hit single "Bulletproof" came out however long ago.  (Now that I am officially old, I consider it miraculous when I can remember a song title AND the name of the artist or group who recorded it!)  I liked Bulletproof a lot;  however, when I listened to some of La Roux's other songs, I found a new favorite:  "I'm Not Your Toy".

I spend so much time listening and talking to people who have difficulty wrapping their brain around the idea of objectification in relationships.  Inotherwords, they don't yet get it about how being treated like a "toy" is NOT normal in their so-called "love" relationships.  I use the term "toy" loosely, because some people get treated like dog doo more than anything else.  Others still are treated like an ATM machine...and there are those who are treated like punching bags.  So in the bigger picture, being treated like a "toy" can actually feel pretty good in comparison to these other options!  That is until the person who is treating you like a toy decides to stop playing with you as often as they once did!

Of course the knife cuts both ways.  Someone treats you like a toy...but you treat them like a meal ticket.  You treat your child like a trophy to show off publicly every now and then....and your child treats you as the invisible man (or woman).  There are so many combinations and possibilities;  the thing to remember here is that when you treat someone else or someone else treats you like a "thing" instead of a human being----it all leads to tears.

"Joe" was a former client of mine who thought that he had it made after meeting "Sally".  "She's the whole package Mary!" he exclaimed after they first met.  "She's beautiful!  She's just perfect for me!  She's got a child and you know I never had any of my own!" blah blah blah.  Joe, without realizing it then, just found himself a new toy.  "She even sits "cute"..isn't that crazy?!"  Yes Joe, it was and it is.  Sally wasn't a toy.  Sally had her OWN attitudes, opinions, beliefs, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs....but Joe didn't notice nor did he want to notice any of them.  He just wanted Sally.  His new toy. 

Joe and Sally lasted about a year.  When push came to shove, Joe couldn't make the sacrifices he felt he was being "forced" to make by staying with Sally.  "She's not enough like me Mary;  that's all there is to it."  In his way, Joe hit the nail on the head.  He had really expected that by finding a new toy to play with like Sally, that he would also be fortunate enough to mold and shape her into his image of perfection as well.  No such luck Joe.  Toys don't talk back or have their own demands.  People, however, do.

Probably the saddest scenarios involving relationship objectification is when the birth of a new baby is involved.  As hard has this may be to believe, there are those folks who just have babies in order to get what they want from their partner at the time.  "If I didn't hurry up, I'd never have a kid!" said Jason who was in a very dysfunctional relationship, but somehow thought "a kid" would make it all better.  DOH!  Conversely, Jason's partner thought having that baby would guarantee her life of leisure as Jason's "baby mama";  that didn't happen either.  Who lost out the most in the end?  Why the baby of course!  The baby who is being shuttled around since their breakup like a sack of potatoes between aunts and uncles and grandmas and sitters.  Very VERY sad.  Babies and children are not toys;  they are not trophies either.  They are human beings!

It is o.k. to play with "real" toys;  playing with people is not.  When will we ever learn?

Just For Today...

Everyone needs encouragement.  Everyone needs hope.  Everyone needs support.  Here's my contribution as you go through what you do, day by day, in both practicing and making positive changes in your life!  Remember, you are a child of God.  Nobody is above you...or beneath you.  We are all in this together...

Just For Today....

. Practice smiling.  When even strangers say to you, "Come on, it can't be that bad!" you KNOW you need to practice smiling more often!

. Practice making eye contact and for longer periods of time than what you are "used to" with others.  As soon as you shift your gaze away from another person, you send the message to them that you've lost interest in them and/or what they are saying.  ADHDers are notorious for not being able to maintain eye contact for more than 15 seconds at a time without "shifting". 

. Practice NOT using profanity.  Swearing is like trying to ice a cake with spackle.  It may appear acceptable for some at first...but it doesn't take very long to see how wrong a choice it really is.  Words can be very powerful...but only when what is said is based on the truth!

. Practice saying "No" when you feel "No" is the right response for you in that moment.  Who died and made you the "go to" person for anyone and everyone in your life and world?  By learning to say "No" more often, you are learning to practice positive self care which leads to higher self esteem over time.

. Practice asking "Can you tell me what you meant by that?" when you feel someone has just said or done something to make you feel AFRAID, ANGRY, and/or CONFUSED.  There are lots of different ways to ask this same question...just be sure to practice asking whenever you feel offended!

. Practice waiting patiently.  Nobody likes lines.  Nobody likes waiting to speak to someone on the phone.  And certainly nobody likes rush hour stop-and-go traffic.  So what?  Are you going to accomplish "whatever" faster or more effectively by having a literal or figurative meltdown?  No, you will not.  So practice waiting patiently.  It builds perseverance.  And one day when you are in the nursing home waiting to be taken to the bathroom, you'll be able to do it without having a heart attack first! :-P

. Practice saying "I love you!" to those you do love!  What's the harm in that?  None at all!  So practice it!

. Practice thinking "the opposite" thought if you tend to see the glass as half empty.  It's raining today?  Instead of thinking of everything you can't do outside as a result, think about what you CAN do inside instead!  Turning your thoughts around from negative to positive takes practice anyway...so why not start this very day?

. Practice reaching out to someone just because.  Not everyone is busy.  Not everyone is pre-occupied with other people, situations, or circumstances.  Many, in fact, are very lonely and broken.  When you reach out to someone in a selfless manner, the act of giving becomes its own reward.  Try it, you may like it...and find you are becoming a better person as a result.

. Practice doing at least one thing a day that you LOVE LOVE LOVE!  Do you love to dance?  Do you love to sing?  Do you love to read?  Do you love to bike?  Do you love to hike?  Whether it involves 5 minutes or 5 hours of your time doesn't matter.  Always practice doing something each day that you love!  (That is NOT illegal, immoral, or fattening that is!)

. Practice being a student of life...rather than an expert at everything.  Humility is a gift.  Pride is a curse.  Practice being humble even when in the presence of someone who is of no possible use to you.  Then you are doing something right!  Pride is what causes us to make stupid mistakes over and over and OVER again.  Don't be stupid.  Be humble instead.  And keep practicing it!

. Practice identifying the lesson you have learned as a result of the mistake you have made.  Without lessons learned, mistakes will just keep making an encore appearance in your life because you aren't seeing what you are supposed to be seeing!  Every "hurt" you have felt has a lesson attached to it.  What is that lesson?  You will never know if you don't practice identifying them!

. Practice STOP.....RELAX.....THINK....AND FINALLY ACT before you "do" anything after being triggered.  Too many of us act first and think last when someone says or does something that immediately sends us into mental orbit.  And you wonder why you have problems?  Get into the habit of stopping in order to think (and if you have to relax or jump around or do a dance before you can think "straight"...go right ahead!)..BEFORE you act! 

. Practice following through.  It's easy to think about all sorts of things and making plans accordingly.  Following through,  however,  on those plans and/or promises is not so easy.  You don't have to do everything today.  Maybe just one.  And you'll feel good for it besides!

Making positive changes starts with a single step.  And with each new day is an opportunity to practice a "new" way of thinking, a new way of speaking, and a new way of behaving that works FOR you rather than against you.  You may not believe in yourself very much...you may have spent a long time in fact beating yourself to a pulp.  As such, there's no time like the present to start treating yourself as the gift you are from God to the world around you. 

Until we meet again... 





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Undoing the Drama in Your Life

A good friend of ours had been involved some years ago in a criminal defense case that made national headlines.  Just today I was reminded of that case as I watched the latest episode of "Scorned:  Love Kills" on the t.v.  I hadn't forgotten about this case...but I had certainly forgotten about all the "drama" that surrounded this couple before her actual death.  "M" (the husband) was ultimately convicted of killing her and is currently serving an LWOP sentence (life without parole).
In their case, I believe it was their respective addictions to drama which ultimately led to their undoing...and her tragic death.
This post, however, is not about that particular case (interesting as it may be).  Instead, I'd like to address the issue of being addicted to "drama" and how you can go about untangling its suffocating web in your life and important relationships.
Being addicted to drama isn't so difficult to imagine when you think about all the people you know (and perhaps yourself!) who have a hard time being "still" literally and figuratively.  Just like little kids with ADHD, adults who can't settle down, be calm, think before they act, (etc. etc.) often look for ways to entertain themselves and/or be entertained.  For these folks, feeling "bored" is akin to having one's fingernails pulled out by the root.  There is no such thing as "doing nothing";  something HAS to be going on always.  Whether that something is destructive to others or to oneself doesn't matter;  it's the "excitement" and/or the adrenaline rush which makes it all worth the effort.
Because drama addicts can't stand being bored or doing "nothing"....just imagine how easy it is to figure out and find out, over time, what "works" best to keep them stimulated!  Some of the "classic" choices drama addicts select to keep themselves running and going 24/7 include sex, work, drugs that stimulate the central nervous system such as meth and cocaine, gambling, shopping, stealing, lying...whatever can get them to feeling "the rush" of being (if you will!) on "top" of their game.  Even if the game is based on delusion and denial doesn't matter.  If it makes the drama addict "feel" good and "alive" in the moment, it's worth the effort no matter what the long term price or consequences.
C and H were one such couple who, not unlike two moths being attracted to the same flame, brought out the worst in each other with their respective drama addictions.  C and H were both substance abusers.  His drugs of choice were the central nervous system depressants (alcohol, vicodin, oxycontin, pot, etc.) while hers were the central nervous system stimulants (cocaine, poppers, adderall, and Red Bull).  They were also "players" in the sense that they had many "friends" they were both sexual with...be that individually or as part of a threesome---foursome---sixsome---and even more than tensome on some occassions.  To say they were a hot mess is an understatement.  They were a train wreck without a track, without a train, and without a clue.
I might also add at this point that C and H were both "low achievers" when it came to their professional lives.  Each were used to free handouts from their parent(s) and grew to be quite the entitled and elitist duo when it came to wanting the best, demanding the best, and taking the best whenever and wherever possible.  And as is true in most codependently trapped relationships, all the parents involved just added to the mayhem by giving in and giving over whatever they had for C and H "on demand". 
This "lifestyle" went on for several years until a series of consequences popped up to remind both C and H that their drama couldn't go unchecked forever.  C lost their home and his driver's license;  H lost an unborn baby and was fired from her bartending job.  After another epic fight over something that didn't even matter...C stormed out of the house and started walking along a major road to a nearby friend's place after midnight.  He was hit by a car.  He died. 
And then the drama ended...at least for C. 
It doesn't have to be like this.  Getting over your own drama begins by acknowledging it.  Anyone can look back at their past and "know" whether or not they have made some poor decisions along the way.  So why do we so often just ignore the obvious and pretend everything is "fine"?  I'll tell you why.  Because it's damn hard to break a drama addiction when you don't even know you have one to begin with!  This is what psychotherapy is for.  It is to allow an enlightened witness to your pain to guide you through the process of facing reality head on, learning what you need to from your painful past, practice a "better" way to function in your life and present circumstances, and to move forward without repeating the same garbage over and over again.
H of course met another guy after C's death and last I heard was living with him somewhere far far away from here.  And she's still bartending.  What a surprise.
Until next time....