Everyone knows someone who was in a romantic relationship far longer than its buy/sell date. Usually, it's the women who end up waiting and waiting (for their significant other to change? Into what is what I invariably ask!) in hopes of something happening that hasn't happened yet. I have been around for quite a long time; I remember the female friends of decades past who clung onto their "man" of choice in spite of his lying, serial cheating, inability to hold a job, drug and/or alcohol use and abuse, abusive behavior towards her and/or her kids, "lack of commitment" preventing him from putting a ring on it, etc. etc. In the end, it all boils down to the same thing: he just wasn't motivated enough by you to change for the better. Put another way: he just wasn't that into you. Period.
This is a hard pill to swallow. Women are notorious for lying to themselves and everyone else in order to rationalize their partner's inappropriate behaviors and/or defects of character. "But I love him---and I know he's a good man deep down." (How many times have I heard that in therapy?!) Yet I have been privy to the discussions with these men who say things (often behind their wive's or girlfriend's backs) "She takes care of my kids; that's all I need her for." "She's more my type and we had a connection I just couldn't ignore." "She's got a weird family; I'd never marry her." "We fight too much and she's not how she was in the beginning of our relationship." "I just can't stop myself; I see a good looking woman and I have to have her." Okay. And ladies? Do you think your boyfriends or husbands never said these things until they are in a therapist's office? Uh, that would be a "No!" The problem is that you closed your ears and your mind to the realities of just "who" you hooked yourself up with...and like the old saying goes, "Denial is NOT just a river in Egypt!"
I know someone who has been married to a serial cheater for many years. As a matter of fact, I know several someones in this boat...but we won't go there. Just as related to this issue alone, where have you been "woman" everytime you have been out with your "man" and noticed he is flirting up a storm with woman a, b, c, d, and or e? Could be your waitress at a restaurant...could be your best friend at a party...could be your sister at a family event....are you blind for real? Before I get a hundred emails blasting me for "Flirting is NOT cheating!"...allow me to clarify. Flirting to cheating is like swimwear to a pool. You don't go into a pool fully dressed; neither do you cheat without knowing how to flirt real good. After all...what is the point of flirting? Is it to basically communicate, "I like you and respect you as a person! I'm glad we are friends. I'm glad we just met. I think the work you do is amazing." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There are a whole lot of other ways to communicate these messages SUCH AS "I like you and respect you as a person!" "I'm glad we are friends." "I'm glad we just met." etc. etc. Flirting is like greasing the wheel. Nothing is going nowhere without that grease. What I find truly sad and pathetic are the men (or women!) who flirt shamelessly in front of their significant other to the object of their flirtation. I mean, how dumb can the "but I didn't think anything of it" significant other be?! Oh well....some just don't get what is right before their face month after month---year after year.
Serial cheaters, by the way, are sex addicts by and large. They have found "what works" to make them feel better fast...and that would be sex. Not always with you, but with any willing partner. To minimize the seriousness of this issue present within a marriage or long-term relationship is your choice of course...but the damage and the legacy is often repeated in the lives of one's children if you've raised any with your serial cheater partner. I'm just sayin...
The commitment phobe is another common reason why women wait...as if the passage of time will change one's brain chemistry in the desired direction----usually toward matrimony. If a man or a woman is not willing to marry you...it's because they don't want to be married--TO YOU. Yes, you could be the greatest person that ever entered into their life as a girlfriend or boyfriend---and that may be the reason why they can't marry you. Like I have heard far too many times at work, "If she wants me, then she's an a***** because I already KNOW I'm an a*****." Wow. Take it from the source. Actually, in that type of circumstance, you are being done a great service by being dumped or kicked to the curb by your commitment-phobic significant other. They already know who they are deep down, but you don't. Now they have made clear to you who they truly are. (That would be an a***** by the way in case you forgot.)
I've had friends have to go through one, two, three, or more divorces in order to "get it" about how their mate of choice was a wrong choice. Yet if we don't learn what we need to learn from each relationship we've been in, our future is bleak. We will repeat what we know and we will continue to wait for the "magic" to happen....ad nauseum. Don't sell yourself so short. There is an old italian proverb which talks about how if the head of the fish is rotten, so is the rest of it. That's very true. When the thinking of your partner stinks...so does the rest of him or her. Don't forget that. And take the time you need to get your own smelly thoughts removed from your mind so you can move on in a better and more positive direction. The end.
This is a hard pill to swallow. Women are notorious for lying to themselves and everyone else in order to rationalize their partner's inappropriate behaviors and/or defects of character. "But I love him---and I know he's a good man deep down." (How many times have I heard that in therapy?!) Yet I have been privy to the discussions with these men who say things (often behind their wive's or girlfriend's backs) "She takes care of my kids; that's all I need her for." "She's more my type and we had a connection I just couldn't ignore." "She's got a weird family; I'd never marry her." "We fight too much and she's not how she was in the beginning of our relationship." "I just can't stop myself; I see a good looking woman and I have to have her." Okay. And ladies? Do you think your boyfriends or husbands never said these things until they are in a therapist's office? Uh, that would be a "No!" The problem is that you closed your ears and your mind to the realities of just "who" you hooked yourself up with...and like the old saying goes, "Denial is NOT just a river in Egypt!"
I know someone who has been married to a serial cheater for many years. As a matter of fact, I know several someones in this boat...but we won't go there. Just as related to this issue alone, where have you been "woman" everytime you have been out with your "man" and noticed he is flirting up a storm with woman a, b, c, d, and or e? Could be your waitress at a restaurant...could be your best friend at a party...could be your sister at a family event....are you blind for real? Before I get a hundred emails blasting me for "Flirting is NOT cheating!"...allow me to clarify. Flirting to cheating is like swimwear to a pool. You don't go into a pool fully dressed; neither do you cheat without knowing how to flirt real good. After all...what is the point of flirting? Is it to basically communicate, "I like you and respect you as a person! I'm glad we are friends. I'm glad we just met. I think the work you do is amazing." ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There are a whole lot of other ways to communicate these messages SUCH AS "I like you and respect you as a person!" "I'm glad we are friends." "I'm glad we just met." etc. etc. Flirting is like greasing the wheel. Nothing is going nowhere without that grease. What I find truly sad and pathetic are the men (or women!) who flirt shamelessly in front of their significant other to the object of their flirtation. I mean, how dumb can the "but I didn't think anything of it" significant other be?! Oh well....some just don't get what is right before their face month after month---year after year.
Serial cheaters, by the way, are sex addicts by and large. They have found "what works" to make them feel better fast...and that would be sex. Not always with you, but with any willing partner. To minimize the seriousness of this issue present within a marriage or long-term relationship is your choice of course...but the damage and the legacy is often repeated in the lives of one's children if you've raised any with your serial cheater partner. I'm just sayin...
The commitment phobe is another common reason why women wait...as if the passage of time will change one's brain chemistry in the desired direction----usually toward matrimony. If a man or a woman is not willing to marry you...it's because they don't want to be married--TO YOU. Yes, you could be the greatest person that ever entered into their life as a girlfriend or boyfriend---and that may be the reason why they can't marry you. Like I have heard far too many times at work, "If she wants me, then she's an a***** because I already KNOW I'm an a*****." Wow. Take it from the source. Actually, in that type of circumstance, you are being done a great service by being dumped or kicked to the curb by your commitment-phobic significant other. They already know who they are deep down, but you don't. Now they have made clear to you who they truly are. (That would be an a***** by the way in case you forgot.)
I've had friends have to go through one, two, three, or more divorces in order to "get it" about how their mate of choice was a wrong choice. Yet if we don't learn what we need to learn from each relationship we've been in, our future is bleak. We will repeat what we know and we will continue to wait for the "magic" to happen....ad nauseum. Don't sell yourself so short. There is an old italian proverb which talks about how if the head of the fish is rotten, so is the rest of it. That's very true. When the thinking of your partner stinks...so does the rest of him or her. Don't forget that. And take the time you need to get your own smelly thoughts removed from your mind so you can move on in a better and more positive direction. The end.