Last post, I spoke about some of the core beliefs that lead "victims" of terrible injustice to shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to their own healing, positive change, and growth process. Today, I am going to continue the conversation by focusing on some "real life" examples of what grandiosity looks like at both ends of its terrible spectrum...
"Susan" is a thirty-something survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. Mother died young of a drug overdose; father suffered from multiple addictions which still have not yet been resolved. Siblings are, for lack of a better term, "losers" and living off state aid. Susan, however, has appeared to rise above the muck and has put herself through school---obtained two degrees---and is working now in her "dream" position as a self-employed marketing consultant to corporate America. Sounds good? Not when you observe "Susan" in action for more than a few minutes. Without the structure of the university setting to "manage" Susan's time and schedule for her, Susan has slipped into a "creatively irresponsible" way of functiong both on and off the job. Susan will use every trick in her book to get what she wants when she wants it. She has begged...she has pleaded...she has yelled...she has threatened...she has ignored...and she has criticized; Susan, without realizing it herself, will basically lie, cheat, steal, and throw ANYONE under the bus in order to get what she wants when she wants it. Susan is smart enough to know she has to "keep it together" in the presence of any "big bosses" she may come across and deal with in business---but for anyone who Susan perceives as "beneath" her...she's a nightmare to work with---and to live with. As an aside, Susan herself has some "secret" addictions that she believes nobody else knows about or is remotely aware of. Wrong. Susan is so deluded by her own manufactured version of herself, she doesn't think anyone sees the cut and scratch marks on her arms and hands which never seem to completely "heal" as other cuts and scratches do. Susan also weighs about 90 lbs. and is 5'6" tall. She thinks she's "fat"; others realize Susan has a wicked eating disorder going on.
Some would say Susan is a "go getter" in a cutthroat economy and where women still work and function under a glass ceiling. I say Susan is a grandiose and "Cluster B" kinda gal who is not only histrionic, but narcissistic, borderline, and sociopathic. Grant it, with the current changes made in the DSM-V...personality disorders are now classified somewhat differently---but in Susan's case, it is what it is. She's grandiose and without a clue as to how she got there. No humility; no ability to say "I made a mistake." and Lord knows no ability to say "I'm sorry!"---and mean it! Susan has transformed her formerly "active" victim status into something she never thought she's one day become: a perpetrator of the abuse she spews out on a regular basis. Poor Susan. She doesn't have a clue. And she would rather fizzle and pop than admit a need for appropriate psychiatric intervention. Oh well. Susan's not alone in her dysfunctional way of thinking, that's for sure.
"Sally", on the other hand, is a fifty-something survivor of a violent first marriage and whose mantra in adult life has been "Don't worry honey; I can help you with that!" "Sally" is a true codependent giver. It is HER love and HER care and HER giving that is going to make everyone and everything "just right". Spare me. "Sally" will drop everything in order to "be there" for whomever else needs her in any given moment. Dropping everything may mean leaving work early to attend to a kid who needs a ride home from...? Dropping everything may mean talking on the phone for hours because "my friend Susan" is depressed and needs a listening ear. Dropping everything means "Sally" is the only one who has the POWER to "fix", to "save", and to "rescue" anyone who calls out her name in need. "Sally" is grandiose to the same exact extent "Susan" is as described above---but at the other end of the "Grandiose" spectrum of dysfunction. Instead of actively abusing others as "Susan" does and is..."Sally" abuses herself first and always. "Sally" is also lying to herself because she believes she's God's right hand woman! "Sally" always knows what's best for everyone else because (once again!) she's got the power. No she doesn't. What she's got is a boatload of denial and a body that will one day quit because "Sally" hasn't understood or learned how to say "No"---let alone why she should!
The grandiose among us are missing their "humility chip" as was once described as being absent from Brad Pitt's brain as part of his breakup from Jennifer Aniston. Humility is the ability to realize that we are all special cases---and not just you. Humility is the ability to treat others as equals and not as mere objects to be used---or glorified---or abused---or ignored depending on your day and your mood. Humility is the ability to say "I'm sorry!" when you have been told how you have offended someone---even when you don't "feel" like you did anything wrong. Humility is a whole lot of other things as well---which work to bring you back down to your "real" size and not the over-inflated version you've created in your own mind. Humility also means being able to see the bigger picture in all that you say and do---rather than whatever makes you "feel good" right now in the moment.
The good news is that overcoming this grandiose mentality is possible when you (as a first step!) become self-aware of it as an issue in your own life. And when you do, you can take that first step in your own healing and recovery process---which always involves other people of course!
"Susan" is a thirty-something survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. Mother died young of a drug overdose; father suffered from multiple addictions which still have not yet been resolved. Siblings are, for lack of a better term, "losers" and living off state aid. Susan, however, has appeared to rise above the muck and has put herself through school---obtained two degrees---and is working now in her "dream" position as a self-employed marketing consultant to corporate America. Sounds good? Not when you observe "Susan" in action for more than a few minutes. Without the structure of the university setting to "manage" Susan's time and schedule for her, Susan has slipped into a "creatively irresponsible" way of functiong both on and off the job. Susan will use every trick in her book to get what she wants when she wants it. She has begged...she has pleaded...she has yelled...she has threatened...she has ignored...and she has criticized; Susan, without realizing it herself, will basically lie, cheat, steal, and throw ANYONE under the bus in order to get what she wants when she wants it. Susan is smart enough to know she has to "keep it together" in the presence of any "big bosses" she may come across and deal with in business---but for anyone who Susan perceives as "beneath" her...she's a nightmare to work with---and to live with. As an aside, Susan herself has some "secret" addictions that she believes nobody else knows about or is remotely aware of. Wrong. Susan is so deluded by her own manufactured version of herself, she doesn't think anyone sees the cut and scratch marks on her arms and hands which never seem to completely "heal" as other cuts and scratches do. Susan also weighs about 90 lbs. and is 5'6" tall. She thinks she's "fat"; others realize Susan has a wicked eating disorder going on.
Some would say Susan is a "go getter" in a cutthroat economy and where women still work and function under a glass ceiling. I say Susan is a grandiose and "Cluster B" kinda gal who is not only histrionic, but narcissistic, borderline, and sociopathic. Grant it, with the current changes made in the DSM-V...personality disorders are now classified somewhat differently---but in Susan's case, it is what it is. She's grandiose and without a clue as to how she got there. No humility; no ability to say "I made a mistake." and Lord knows no ability to say "I'm sorry!"---and mean it! Susan has transformed her formerly "active" victim status into something she never thought she's one day become: a perpetrator of the abuse she spews out on a regular basis. Poor Susan. She doesn't have a clue. And she would rather fizzle and pop than admit a need for appropriate psychiatric intervention. Oh well. Susan's not alone in her dysfunctional way of thinking, that's for sure.
"Sally", on the other hand, is a fifty-something survivor of a violent first marriage and whose mantra in adult life has been "Don't worry honey; I can help you with that!" "Sally" is a true codependent giver. It is HER love and HER care and HER giving that is going to make everyone and everything "just right". Spare me. "Sally" will drop everything in order to "be there" for whomever else needs her in any given moment. Dropping everything may mean leaving work early to attend to a kid who needs a ride home from...? Dropping everything may mean talking on the phone for hours because "my friend Susan" is depressed and needs a listening ear. Dropping everything means "Sally" is the only one who has the POWER to "fix", to "save", and to "rescue" anyone who calls out her name in need. "Sally" is grandiose to the same exact extent "Susan" is as described above---but at the other end of the "Grandiose" spectrum of dysfunction. Instead of actively abusing others as "Susan" does and is..."Sally" abuses herself first and always. "Sally" is also lying to herself because she believes she's God's right hand woman! "Sally" always knows what's best for everyone else because (once again!) she's got the power. No she doesn't. What she's got is a boatload of denial and a body that will one day quit because "Sally" hasn't understood or learned how to say "No"---let alone why she should!
The grandiose among us are missing their "humility chip" as was once described as being absent from Brad Pitt's brain as part of his breakup from Jennifer Aniston. Humility is the ability to realize that we are all special cases---and not just you. Humility is the ability to treat others as equals and not as mere objects to be used---or glorified---or abused---or ignored depending on your day and your mood. Humility is the ability to say "I'm sorry!" when you have been told how you have offended someone---even when you don't "feel" like you did anything wrong. Humility is a whole lot of other things as well---which work to bring you back down to your "real" size and not the over-inflated version you've created in your own mind. Humility also means being able to see the bigger picture in all that you say and do---rather than whatever makes you "feel good" right now in the moment.
The good news is that overcoming this grandiose mentality is possible when you (as a first step!) become self-aware of it as an issue in your own life. And when you do, you can take that first step in your own healing and recovery process---which always involves other people of course!