Adjusting Your Sails (Bad Attitude Check!)

We all make mistakes.  We all are authentically guilty of falsely accusing, harshly judging, and genuinely doing someone else "dirty" without provocation.  Grant it, some of us are better at this than others because we have had years of practice.  However, pursuing this pattern of behavior in our own lives when we are triggered by ??? is NOT a good habit to maintain.  Today's blog post is about how to recognize and then adjust our own sails when it comes to this dysfunctional way of relating to others...

First of all, we need to remember that the codependent lifestyle and codependency in general is the devil.  It truly is.  With codependency, people are reduced down to either functioning as "all good givers" or "all bad takers".   Givers seek approval, acceptance, and love like crack;  takers seek power, pleasure, and avoiding responsibility like crack.  This is why givers "give" as they do...and takers "take" as they do.  But...here's the rub.  We all do it.  Nobody is "just" a giver...and nobody is "just" a taker.  We are all of us both givers and takers when we are locked into the codependent lifestyle in our close personal relationships.  And that blows.  Why?  The codependent lifestyle leaves no room for any real personal freedom because everyone keeps treating themselves and others like objects---instead of as equals.  As such, codependent givers "teach" others incompetence ("I'm the only one who can do it for you/knows what's best for you/is your personal savior!")...while codependent takers "teach" others resentment and bitterness ("My needs matter more than yours do/I am the most important person in your life/I'm helpless without you").  Sheesh!  Talk about two sides of the same coin!

So how does this relate to adjusting our own sails and checking our own bad attitude when we cop it? It all begins with our own expectations.  When we have them about what "someone else" is supposed to do for us---we are setting ourselves up for a fail, just sayin'.  It would be nice if everyone we ever wanted to do a, b, c, d, or e for us did it on demand...but come on!  Is that real life?  Of course not!  Why not?  Because we all have our "own" real lives to live----and nobody is truly responsible for someone else's good day---good week---good month---or good life!  When we start looking to what's outside of ourselves for our own personal happiness and inner peace, we are really NOT thinking too clearly!  I don't exist to make sure I'm available to meet your needs on demand.  You don't exist to make sure you're available to meet my needs on demand either!  Yet we keep doing this to each other and believing it's all "normal" interaction when it is NOT!

Authentic inner peace and happiness comes from the inside out---not the outside in.  We keep screwing that up for some dumb reason.  You have to make your own happy;  I have to make mine.  We can share experiences when time and opportunity permits...but to EXPECT me to drop everything for you---or you drop everything for me---when the precipitating event is NOT an authentic emergency/extraordinary burden....that's crazy!  And even if and when something is an authentic emergency/extradordinay burden---who died and said it is "you" or it is "me" who has to be there?  What if a person is working and can't take time off work?  What if a person is laid up in a hospital themselves with their own medical issue?  What if the person lives 3,000 miles away and can't afford the flight out?  See what I mean?  This expectations thing can really take us down the mine shaft if we don't make a practice of checking ourselves---before we wreck ourselves!

One of the most classic cases of codependent giving gone way wrong was a woman I knew decades ago who basically gave until it hurt to her husband at the time and her stepkids.  She was significantly younger than her husband...and her stepson was only a handful of years younger than she was.  I can remember her working her tail off for that family as a "new" wife and stepmom.  She and her husband went on to have two kids of their own...and then the tide started to turn.  Her husband lost his job, and suddenly I witnessed her codependent giving pattern switch to a major codependent taking pattern...but as same related to her friends and extended family members.  She still gave like a champ to her husband and kids...but she expected extremely unreasonable demands to be met by her friends and extended family.  Who could find her husband a new job that paid better?  Who could fudge his resume so he had a college education (when in fact, he did not have a college education!), who could listen to her moan, groan, and complain about their finances morning, noon, and night?

As it turned out, she found herself a new dude anyway and started dating him before her husband was even aware "they" had marital issues.  Which is not unusual.  Codependent givers play a role...until they decide they are sick of it.  Then they do what they want (codependent taking).  After she left her husband and kids in the dust to go and marry this new dude....she saw herself as having a fresh opportunity to parent his kids and start the cycle of codependent giving all over again.

Good luck with that sh** just sayin'!

Had this wife gone into therapy with her husband, she might have learned that her own expectations colliding with her codependent lifestyle would inevitably lead to nowhere positive.  Again, everyone was reduced down to an object;  once she developed that bad attitude towards her husband in spite of her ongoing "giving" to him (in her own mind!)...that marriage didn't stand of chance of being salvaged.  Her built up resentment and bitterness towards him after his job loss didn't help matters any;  she expected a lot for all of that "giving" she engaged in for so long.  In essence, once she grabbed onto and hung onto her own bad attitude...it led her to a very deep ditch.  Ultimately, all those kids paid the ultimate price...and learned some pretty dysfunctional lessons themselves as a result.

Adjust your sails and if you need help with that, this is what psychotherapy is for.  Just a reminder.
Bad attitudes serve no useful purpose, except to keep you stuck in your own ruminations about how much more you matter than anyone else.

Until next time...

Paying Better Attention...To Everything!

It isn't easy to practice objectivity.  What does that even mean?  Unlike subjectivity, objectivity is when we can see people, circumstances, and situations exactly as they truly are---instead of in the way we "want" to see them.  And, oh by the way, the way we "want" to see people, circumstances, and situations may either have a "false positive" spin attached to it---or a "false" negative spin---depending on our own mood and the day.  Think now of every mother who has ever said about her career criminal offspring, "...but he's such a good boy;  he'd never hurt anyone!"  Yeah right mom.  See what I mean?  The facts about whomever and whatever get lost very easily when we are subjective;  the feelings, however, magically develop their own IQ!

Anybody who has struggled with codependence and the codependent mindset lacks objectivity.  That would translate to all of us.  It is easier to be subjective because we don't have to pay attention to the facts surrounding any given person, circumstance, or situation.  Just the other day, a friend was telling me about how she had a mini melt down when she realized her ex boyfriend's "cute" text messages (which she saved) may be the same messages he's sent in the past (or will send in the future) to other women.  Nobody feels good when they realize that they were just a "thing" to their significant other---rather than being appreciated for their unique and authentic self.  Yet---for anyone who has experienced this enough times and learned this lesson, it won't be happening again in the future either.  That's how it is when we learn to practice objectivity in all things.  We don't repeat the same mistakes in making our own choices, because we are paying better attention....to everything!

Paying better attention to what is going on in front of us or around us is the first step in slowing our own roll when it comes to practicing objectivity.  If I am at a networking event, for example, if someone rushes up to me and says "Hi!  Isn't this a great event?  I'm Jane Doe!  Nice dress!  Want to grab a coffee over there?"....what would YOU do in my shoes?  Well, there are a whole group of people who would view this "Jane Doe" as very friendly and nice and yep---let's go grab that coffee right now!  And then there are those who would be rattled by a virtual stranger coming up and just talking "at" them in this way and then trying to dictate what they will both be doing next!  Lastly, there are those (like myself), who would recognize "Jane's" enthusiasm as perhaps a bit OTT (Over the Top) but harmless.  In practicing my own objectivity in this situation, I know I would respond by saying, "Hello Jane.  Yes, this is a great event.  I'm Mary DiPaolo.  Thank you about the dress.  And no thank you, I don't feel like a coffee right now."  Ya follow me?!  (LOL!)  But that's what practicing objectivity is like!  Stick with the facts of the situation you are in!  Now, if Jane Doe decides after hearing my response that she didn't like what I had to say...or she was no longer interested in talking at me...then fine.  She'll work her way away from me and onto the next person.

Practicing objectivity doesn't take the fun out of life;  it merely clears up the fog from it.  We human beings are notorious for wanting to "spin" our own experiences in such a way that we do feel more good about what we go through than not.  When we practice objectivity we also become more self aware, which is always a good thing.  I remember a young client who was shocked to realize that not "all" of her friends also drank a 1/2 bottle of wine every night in order to "relax".  Once she had this realization, she immediately cut back to 1/4 bottle of wine....then 1 glass of wine...then 1 glass every other night...and then one glass on each day of the weekend...to the point of 2 glasses each week.  Each glass, of course, being 5 oz. of wine, the standard measure for "one drink"...as opposed to a 10 or 15 or 20 oz. "glass" of wine.  See what I mean?  Had this young woman rejected the practice of objectivity in her daily life...she'd still be drinking that 1/2 bottle of wine every night.

In romantic relationships, paying better attention is what can save a person from making a major mistake (in marriage) and causing others to suffer needlessly (the children of such unions).  If your significant other has lied to you when you were dating, on what planet would he or she STOP lying to you once you are married?  If your significant other can't hold a job down for more than XX number of months before quitting or getting fired, on what planet would he or she STOP quitting or getting fired from the "next" job?  Listen, patterns in behavior are a real life and right now reality.  People do what they know...or what they don't feel like doing!  Your "love" and "devotion" and "care" isn't going to transform a pig's ear into a silk purse!  If your significant other has issues that you notice and that they haven't solved on their own....those same issues will remain a part of their lives perhaps forever!  (Unless they "choose" to solve them on their own!)  So....get a clue.  Practicing objectivity in this sense is knowing when to hold them, fold them, walk away, and/or run!

Objectivity is a skill which of course, as this blog post exemplifies, requires consistent practice.  You won't depress yourself or feel like you are "working" as result of this type of practice.  In actual fact, you will feel more empowered by "seeing" what you haven't allowed yourself to notice before.  Then, in addressing what you see and notice, you can initiate some excellent discussions with that other person in hopes of encouraging, inspiring, and/or motivating right choices on their part.  Grant it, the proof is always in the pudding;  if someone promises to change or do something different....but doesn't over the long haul...that's more information you can OBJECTIVELY assess and make your own decisions about when you choose to...

Remember, surrender (of your desired and expected outcomes) IS that still small space between acceptance (of what is) and change (in yourself)!

Until next time...