Recovering from the green-eyed monster of jealousy isn't as difficult as it seems. I remember a young lady from several years ago who came to me for help about her jealousy. She said she didn't understand it and couldn't believe how upset and angry she would get at her then boyfriend "for no good reason". As presented in my last blog on this topic, I had to make certain that her boyfriend was "not" gaslighting her by saying one thing ("Oh honey, it's all in your imagination...") and doing another ("Don't worry, my girlfriend will never find out..."). As an aside, I have often seen my clients' significant others in therapy when dealing with an issue such as this one. It's one thing for a client to tell me about his or her partner; quite another for me to actually meet and have the opportunity to interact with that partner on my own.
In this case, my client's boyfriend was not the problem. It was my client who was (to put it bluntly) a bottomless pit of emotional need that translated itself into extreme jealousy in her important personal relationships. It wasn't "just" her boyfriend she became jealous about; she was jealous of "anyone" who mattered to her and then focused their attention on someone or something else for more time than she deemed reasonable and customary. She told me about a sports coach who worked with one of my client's team mates for "longer" than my client believed was appropriate. Instead of understanding and accepting what went on there...my client suddenly felt extremely angry (aka jealous) about it. Needless to say, she had her work cut out for her as part of her own recovery process.
To start, my client needed to identify/discover for herself all the things she believed to be true about herself that were POSITIVE. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Anybody can say things like, "I'm a good friend." What does that mean exactly? A good friend because..??? This is like saying, "I'm a nice person." Yeah, so was Ted Bundy on his good days. When you can ascertain what you believe are your authentic strengths as a person, this is very helpful to me in understanding how you see yourself. In the case with this young woman I have been speaking about, she had a very difficult time identifying/discovering "who" she was in the positive sense. She actually had a lot of false guilt she was carrying around believing she was a "bad" person for a number of reasons I won't get into here. Lots of people who struggle with pathological jealousy have this same issue. They don't think they are very good people deep down within themselves. As a matter of fact, they often view themselves as "putting on a show" for the world (being "good", being "nice", being "understanding") when what they REALLY feel most of the time is guilt, anger, loneliness, and shame. Breaking through this barrier of self-hatred is a big step in overcoming the lies you've been taught about yourself and who you really are deep down inside...
Next, figure out what it is that you can do (or already do!) in order to take GOOD care of yourself as a person when you are alone. This is a big one. Being alone is very different from feeling lonely which is very different from feeling neglected which is very different from feeling rejected which is very different from feeling abandoned. This is why I suggest to clients doing what is "good" for you when you are alone so you do NOT fall into the trap of linking being alone with (ultimately!) feeling abandoned. Being alone is NOT being abandoned. Yet many people basically freak out way too quickly once left "alone" for more than XX minutes or hours. I have a friend who works nights; when she is finally "alone" at her work with nobody else around---that's when the thought monsters come into her brain to start messing with her mind. "Look..you're all alone and nobody else cares enough to be with you now...", "Hey...how does it feel to be here by yourself AS USUAL because you don't matter to anybody at all.." blah blah blah. This train needs to stop. Taking good care of yourself when alone is one way to stop it in a very practical sense.
How you take care of yourself is often discovered with the help of someone like myself (psychotherapist) who will point you in the direction of healthy options versus what may come naturally to you. For example, getting sloshed on asian pear martinis all night is NOT a way to take good care of yourself when alone, o.k.? Yet taking time to listen to that new CD you just mixed and burned for yourself is. Cleaning up a room in your home is "healthy"; smoking some crack is NOT. Hope you are getting the drift here...
There are of course other ways in which you can recover from the green-eyed monster of jealousy...but I can't give away all my secrets now can I? Those mentioned here represent a great start. Remember always that you DO matter and there's nobody else on earth like you. You are a unique gift to everyone who crosses your path in this life...so don't screw it up by wasting your time on jealous feelings that aren't based on the reality of your circumstances!
MD
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Green-Eyed Monster (Jealousy!)
Jealousy is nothing new. I don't care where you come from in the world or when you were born---you know what being and/or feeling "jealous" is like. You also know what it feels like to be the object of someone else's jealousy.
Jealousy and envy get mixed up a lot because people often use both terms to try and describe the same phenomenon. Before going any further, let me just clarify the difference between the two. You have blue eyes and I don't. I want blue eyes like you. That's envy. You have a lovely spouse and two small children. I'm single and haven't even been out on a date in ages. I wish I had your type of family. That's envy too.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is focused on specific people and relationships rather than the "idea" of them---or some specific "thing". Going back to the above-mentioned example, I am envious of the fact that you have a lovely spouse; if I wanted your spouse for myself and possibly took steps to make that happen--that's jealousy at work. See what I mean? If envy is the drizzle or light rain that can occur before a storm---jealousy is the tsunami.
Is it even possible to "cure" a jealous nature? Can people who are extremely jealous "get" better at all? I think so. So let's talk about how that happens...
First, consider your important relationships. I don't know how many times I have met both men and women who have chosen MAJOR flirts as their significant other, partner, or spouse. Now how do you think that is going to play out if you know you have a jealous nature "anyway"?! I mean, does it really take a rocket scientist to notice when someone you are dating keeps looking at every other man/woman in sight when you are together? Does the term "bobble head" mean anything to you? If your date cannot even focus on you for an evening without noticing the strangers around you every 30 seconds...how does that encourage true emotional connection with you? It doesn't! No wonder you're flippin' jealous! In this type of scenario, you need to consider changing NOT your playground...but your playmate. You'd be amazed how much "less" jealous you may feel when you have someone in your life that ACTUALLY pays consistent attention to you!
For the major flirts out there, consider this. Why isn't the focus and attention of one person enough for you? What are you trying to accomplish for real by staring and winking and straining your neck to get that last glimpse of...??? Do you truly believe that flirting to the extent you do is going to lead to anything that is "solid" relationship-wise over the long term? Who are you kidding? People who have made a career out of flirting are basically focused on the chase. Yet how can you have a chase without an eventual capture? Seriously, what are you playing at? If you want to be with anyone or everyone that catches your eyeballs---stay single! Be a player! That at least is more honest than "play-acting" at a monogamous relationship that you must not really want or want to honor in the first place!
Trying to cure your jealousy when you are hooked up with a player, major flirt, adulterer, and/or philanderer is like trying to quit smoking by living with a human cigarette. The two just do NOT go together.
Which leads me to my next point. When a person has struggled with feelings of being neglected, ignored, and/or abandoned....of COURSE it is going to feel fantastic when someone pays attention to you. It can, in actuality, become quite addictive. Hence, "relationship addicts", "sex and love addicts", blah blah blah. So----in curing your jealous nature, it would help to look at "this" aspect of your present life and history. You can have the nicest and most wonderful partner in the world who would NEVER give you ANY reason to be jealous...but if YOU need the attention (like a "fix") in order to feel good about YOU and who you are...then this is your area of healing to focus on. Your work here would involve learning how to truly love and accept yourself. Instead of seeking approval and attention from others in order to feel (fill in the blank) basically "good" about yourself---this work is about falling in love with yourself just as you are. Once you can do that in a "healthy" way---you will be able to better tolerate feeling lonely, ignored, and/or rejected when "it" occurs.
Let's face it. Nobody gets positive strokes 24/7 for the rest of their lives. We have to learn how to "manage" ourselves in such a way so we don't end up hurting ourselves (or others!) because of a need we have that will never truly be satisfied in the first place!
Next time, we'll talk about the practical ways to be appropriately engaged in life as a recovering green-eyed monster...
Jealousy and envy get mixed up a lot because people often use both terms to try and describe the same phenomenon. Before going any further, let me just clarify the difference between the two. You have blue eyes and I don't. I want blue eyes like you. That's envy. You have a lovely spouse and two small children. I'm single and haven't even been out on a date in ages. I wish I had your type of family. That's envy too.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is focused on specific people and relationships rather than the "idea" of them---or some specific "thing". Going back to the above-mentioned example, I am envious of the fact that you have a lovely spouse; if I wanted your spouse for myself and possibly took steps to make that happen--that's jealousy at work. See what I mean? If envy is the drizzle or light rain that can occur before a storm---jealousy is the tsunami.
Is it even possible to "cure" a jealous nature? Can people who are extremely jealous "get" better at all? I think so. So let's talk about how that happens...
First, consider your important relationships. I don't know how many times I have met both men and women who have chosen MAJOR flirts as their significant other, partner, or spouse. Now how do you think that is going to play out if you know you have a jealous nature "anyway"?! I mean, does it really take a rocket scientist to notice when someone you are dating keeps looking at every other man/woman in sight when you are together? Does the term "bobble head" mean anything to you? If your date cannot even focus on you for an evening without noticing the strangers around you every 30 seconds...how does that encourage true emotional connection with you? It doesn't! No wonder you're flippin' jealous! In this type of scenario, you need to consider changing NOT your playground...but your playmate. You'd be amazed how much "less" jealous you may feel when you have someone in your life that ACTUALLY pays consistent attention to you!
For the major flirts out there, consider this. Why isn't the focus and attention of one person enough for you? What are you trying to accomplish for real by staring and winking and straining your neck to get that last glimpse of...??? Do you truly believe that flirting to the extent you do is going to lead to anything that is "solid" relationship-wise over the long term? Who are you kidding? People who have made a career out of flirting are basically focused on the chase. Yet how can you have a chase without an eventual capture? Seriously, what are you playing at? If you want to be with anyone or everyone that catches your eyeballs---stay single! Be a player! That at least is more honest than "play-acting" at a monogamous relationship that you must not really want or want to honor in the first place!
Trying to cure your jealousy when you are hooked up with a player, major flirt, adulterer, and/or philanderer is like trying to quit smoking by living with a human cigarette. The two just do NOT go together.
Which leads me to my next point. When a person has struggled with feelings of being neglected, ignored, and/or abandoned....of COURSE it is going to feel fantastic when someone pays attention to you. It can, in actuality, become quite addictive. Hence, "relationship addicts", "sex and love addicts", blah blah blah. So----in curing your jealous nature, it would help to look at "this" aspect of your present life and history. You can have the nicest and most wonderful partner in the world who would NEVER give you ANY reason to be jealous...but if YOU need the attention (like a "fix") in order to feel good about YOU and who you are...then this is your area of healing to focus on. Your work here would involve learning how to truly love and accept yourself. Instead of seeking approval and attention from others in order to feel (fill in the blank) basically "good" about yourself---this work is about falling in love with yourself just as you are. Once you can do that in a "healthy" way---you will be able to better tolerate feeling lonely, ignored, and/or rejected when "it" occurs.
Let's face it. Nobody gets positive strokes 24/7 for the rest of their lives. We have to learn how to "manage" ourselves in such a way so we don't end up hurting ourselves (or others!) because of a need we have that will never truly be satisfied in the first place!
Next time, we'll talk about the practical ways to be appropriately engaged in life as a recovering green-eyed monster...
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Power of Friendship....
I just got back from a week in Santa Barbara, California. While I was there, I met up with an old and true friend of mine since high school. Friendship, when it is true by the way, is a beautiful thing. As such, today's post is about the power of friendship and what we need to remember about what it takes to be and have truly "good" friends....
Jody Watley (now that the 80's are back, I figured I'd use an 80's icon as a good initial analogy here) had a song in her repetoire back in the day which best sums up today's topic: "Friends". Loved the song then and still do now. Excellent beat, great to dance to, but the lyrics are a BIT disturbing. Please allow me to share some of them with you right now:
"Friends"
Have you ever been stabbed in the back
By someone you thought was really cool
Did they steal your lover
or was it money
Or was it lies they told
Strangers just disguised as your friends
Never again cause now you know
Friends will let you down
Friends won't be around
When you need them most where are your friends
Friends are hard to find
Friends yours and mine
I'm talking about your friends...
(I highly recommend downloading this song so you can get the full impact of "it" separate and apart from this post!)
Unfortunately, there are way too many friendships out there that reflect this shadow side of friendship more than they do the "real deal" of a good and solid "healthy" friends relationship. Let's talk about that for a bit.
Friends who betray us, hurt us, and otherwise throw us under the bus are NOT really friends. Got that? They are NOT really friends. They may be family members...they may be co-workers...they may even be our significant other...but they are NOT true friends. The difference you have to figure out is whether or not YOU are driving this train alone when it happens---or with your so-called "friends" help---or if they are driving that same train alone---or with your help. Do you understand the differences there?
A "friend" who seems to get you into trouble when you least expect it MAY be the friend who is driving the train to ruin and destruction all on his or her own. This is the friend who may be caught up in various and assorted addictions and/or compulsions---and who really isn't that interested or aware of how their "actions" affect anyone else (aka y-o-u!) This has happened to me before. Plenty of times. You go with your "friend" to a party---they get wasted beyond wasted---but oh geez they drove you both to the party! You can say once twice or fifty times, "Oh, I'm sober---let me drive instead". Yet what do you do if they keep insisting "NO! I'M FINE! I'M DRIVING!" See what I mean? That's not a friend to you. That's a runaway train that's being driven by your "friend" all on their own!
Now, looking at that same situation, what if you got wasted at this party as well? You may not be "quite" as wasted as your "friend"...but in the end, you two still have to get home and somebody's got to drive the car there right? Well---if you do it---that's a case of your friend driving the runaway train, but WITH your help. God help you if you get pulled over and you both end up in jail or in a hospital bed---or dead. Another "See what I mean?" moment for you to ponder... (Especially when there is such a thing as a "taxi" that either one of you could have called instead!)
When YOU are the person driving the runaway train yourself or with your own "friend's" help---then that's a situation where YOU are not being a good and true friend to others. You just want the company or another human "body" to be there when the crap comes down the pike---as it will and always manages to do in these situations. True friendship is NOT about exploitation or mutual exploitation; it is about honoring and caring for one another while keeping their best interests at heart even more so than you may your own!
It is much easier to be a faux friend than it is to be a true and authentic friend. That's just true no matter which way you slice it. Nobody (as I have said many times before) has to go to school to learn how to lie or be jealous or cheat or put their own needs and satisfaction of them above someone else's.
Faux friends are all over the place. When I was 18 and 19 years old, I did have "good" friends---but I also had several faux friends whose purpose was "Friday night out" when we went trawling at the local discos and dance bars. Those friends fell by the wayside over the course of time and space, but yet I have seen WAY too many 30, 40, and 50-somethings these days who STILL function that way with their "friends". Just bodies banding together to "go out and party". Wow. That's friendship? No, it's not....nor will it ever be.
True friendship is a gift. You can be completely honest and "yourself" with that other person...and they with you...and yet along with the truths that you share with each other---the love, acceptance, and celebration of one another's existence is ALSO there and shared between you. Truth and love...love and truth....acceptance and encouragement....discipline and mercy...it's all one big beautiful package that is shared between you and your friend(s) for (hopefully!) the rest of your lives.
XO JH from MD <3
Jody Watley (now that the 80's are back, I figured I'd use an 80's icon as a good initial analogy here) had a song in her repetoire back in the day which best sums up today's topic: "Friends". Loved the song then and still do now. Excellent beat, great to dance to, but the lyrics are a BIT disturbing. Please allow me to share some of them with you right now:
"Friends"
Have you ever been stabbed in the back
By someone you thought was really cool
Did they steal your lover
or was it money
Or was it lies they told
Strangers just disguised as your friends
Never again cause now you know
Friends will let you down
Friends won't be around
When you need them most where are your friends
Friends are hard to find
Friends yours and mine
I'm talking about your friends...
(I highly recommend downloading this song so you can get the full impact of "it" separate and apart from this post!)
Unfortunately, there are way too many friendships out there that reflect this shadow side of friendship more than they do the "real deal" of a good and solid "healthy" friends relationship. Let's talk about that for a bit.
Friends who betray us, hurt us, and otherwise throw us under the bus are NOT really friends. Got that? They are NOT really friends. They may be family members...they may be co-workers...they may even be our significant other...but they are NOT true friends. The difference you have to figure out is whether or not YOU are driving this train alone when it happens---or with your so-called "friends" help---or if they are driving that same train alone---or with your help. Do you understand the differences there?
A "friend" who seems to get you into trouble when you least expect it MAY be the friend who is driving the train to ruin and destruction all on his or her own. This is the friend who may be caught up in various and assorted addictions and/or compulsions---and who really isn't that interested or aware of how their "actions" affect anyone else (aka y-o-u!) This has happened to me before. Plenty of times. You go with your "friend" to a party---they get wasted beyond wasted---but oh geez they drove you both to the party! You can say once twice or fifty times, "Oh, I'm sober---let me drive instead". Yet what do you do if they keep insisting "NO! I'M FINE! I'M DRIVING!" See what I mean? That's not a friend to you. That's a runaway train that's being driven by your "friend" all on their own!
Now, looking at that same situation, what if you got wasted at this party as well? You may not be "quite" as wasted as your "friend"...but in the end, you two still have to get home and somebody's got to drive the car there right? Well---if you do it---that's a case of your friend driving the runaway train, but WITH your help. God help you if you get pulled over and you both end up in jail or in a hospital bed---or dead. Another "See what I mean?" moment for you to ponder... (Especially when there is such a thing as a "taxi" that either one of you could have called instead!)
When YOU are the person driving the runaway train yourself or with your own "friend's" help---then that's a situation where YOU are not being a good and true friend to others. You just want the company or another human "body" to be there when the crap comes down the pike---as it will and always manages to do in these situations. True friendship is NOT about exploitation or mutual exploitation; it is about honoring and caring for one another while keeping their best interests at heart even more so than you may your own!
It is much easier to be a faux friend than it is to be a true and authentic friend. That's just true no matter which way you slice it. Nobody (as I have said many times before) has to go to school to learn how to lie or be jealous or cheat or put their own needs and satisfaction of them above someone else's.
Faux friends are all over the place. When I was 18 and 19 years old, I did have "good" friends---but I also had several faux friends whose purpose was "Friday night out" when we went trawling at the local discos and dance bars. Those friends fell by the wayside over the course of time and space, but yet I have seen WAY too many 30, 40, and 50-somethings these days who STILL function that way with their "friends". Just bodies banding together to "go out and party". Wow. That's friendship? No, it's not....nor will it ever be.
True friendship is a gift. You can be completely honest and "yourself" with that other person...and they with you...and yet along with the truths that you share with each other---the love, acceptance, and celebration of one another's existence is ALSO there and shared between you. Truth and love...love and truth....acceptance and encouragement....discipline and mercy...it's all one big beautiful package that is shared between you and your friend(s) for (hopefully!) the rest of your lives.
XO JH from MD <3
Scapegoating 101 (Part II)
In my first post on this topic of scapegoating, I identified what scapegoating is, how it originated, and what a few of the common relational dynamics are amongsts scapegoaters. (These are the folks who scapegoat others).
Now I am going to spend some time focusing in on scapegoats themselves and what they have in common...
Some scapegoats were born to be scapegoats, plain and simple. Scapegoated since as far back as they can remember by their parents...their siblings...their extended family---these are the poor unfortuantes who really don't know anything else BUT functioning as the scapegoat within their family system. There are books that have addressed this issue many times over the past decades. Remember all that you may have heard or read about regarding "Family Roles"? Well---being the family "scapegoat" is one of those roles. Not that you wanted that role and not that you asked for it...it just "was".
The problem here is that once you grow up and are able to leave your family home, many of these "conditioned" scapegoats stay right where they are. Whether they stay right where they are literally or figuratively, they still allow themselves to function as scapegoats. It's much like when animals get so used to living in cages that even when the cage door is left wide open, they won't and don't move. For these scapegoats, life feels like it happens "to" them rather than the other way around. Instead of being and functioning proactively on their own behalf, this group will do what they believe the are "supposed" to in order to lie low, avoid conflict, keep everyone else happy, and not draw too much attention to themselves. In the end, they still get the shaft when someone decides they didn't do "enough" or say "enough" or be "enough". Very sad.
Another type of scapegoat is the purpose-driven scapegoat. This type knows he or she is doing a whole lotta wrong----but figures, "What the hell,I'm a scapegoat anyway!" Kinda like the whole self-fulfilling prophecy mentality at work. "Everyone says I'm an idiot, so I'll be an idiot!" "She keeps accusing me of being a player, so I'll be a player!" etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. What these scapegoats don't realize is that the only person that they are truly hurting, in the end, is themselves. You can "do" whatever you want to get away with (fill in the blank) or to feel better fast---but it isn't me who is going to end up with lung cancer because you smoked three packs a day for the last twenty years. These scapegoats are stuck in a cycle of their own making. They think they are getting back at someone or exacting revenge on those who "hurt" them...but all they are really doing is destroying themselves in a sure and steady manner.
The last type of scapegoat is the foolish scapegoat. This scapegoat is like a runaway train. Doesn't think much past his or her nose...and just kinda sorta "falls" into situations or circumstances where mayhem ensues. "Sure, I will give you all my money to start your own business! Sounds good to me after drinking three beers, two shots, and a bucket of wings with you over dinner!" Lots of undiagnosed and untreated ADDers fall into this category. (ADD = attention deficit disorder) These scapegoats are so into "the moment" that they can't see much past it---or any other moment for that matter. Everything is about the "right now" to a fault. To put it another way, these are the "Act first and think last" scapegoats among us.
Wherever you find yourself...scapegoating is a resolve-able issue whether you have made a bad habit out of scapegoating others---or being scapegoated by others. Being aware of what you do and taking responsibility for it are the FIRST STEPS in breaking that bad habit and creating a new and better habit to replace it over time. Good luck with that. And if you need help with this process---well, that's what psychotherapists like me are for!
Until we meet again...
Now I am going to spend some time focusing in on scapegoats themselves and what they have in common...
Some scapegoats were born to be scapegoats, plain and simple. Scapegoated since as far back as they can remember by their parents...their siblings...their extended family---these are the poor unfortuantes who really don't know anything else BUT functioning as the scapegoat within their family system. There are books that have addressed this issue many times over the past decades. Remember all that you may have heard or read about regarding "Family Roles"? Well---being the family "scapegoat" is one of those roles. Not that you wanted that role and not that you asked for it...it just "was".
The problem here is that once you grow up and are able to leave your family home, many of these "conditioned" scapegoats stay right where they are. Whether they stay right where they are literally or figuratively, they still allow themselves to function as scapegoats. It's much like when animals get so used to living in cages that even when the cage door is left wide open, they won't and don't move. For these scapegoats, life feels like it happens "to" them rather than the other way around. Instead of being and functioning proactively on their own behalf, this group will do what they believe the are "supposed" to in order to lie low, avoid conflict, keep everyone else happy, and not draw too much attention to themselves. In the end, they still get the shaft when someone decides they didn't do "enough" or say "enough" or be "enough". Very sad.
Another type of scapegoat is the purpose-driven scapegoat. This type knows he or she is doing a whole lotta wrong----but figures, "What the hell,I'm a scapegoat anyway!" Kinda like the whole self-fulfilling prophecy mentality at work. "Everyone says I'm an idiot, so I'll be an idiot!" "She keeps accusing me of being a player, so I'll be a player!" etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum. What these scapegoats don't realize is that the only person that they are truly hurting, in the end, is themselves. You can "do" whatever you want to get away with (fill in the blank) or to feel better fast---but it isn't me who is going to end up with lung cancer because you smoked three packs a day for the last twenty years. These scapegoats are stuck in a cycle of their own making. They think they are getting back at someone or exacting revenge on those who "hurt" them...but all they are really doing is destroying themselves in a sure and steady manner.
The last type of scapegoat is the foolish scapegoat. This scapegoat is like a runaway train. Doesn't think much past his or her nose...and just kinda sorta "falls" into situations or circumstances where mayhem ensues. "Sure, I will give you all my money to start your own business! Sounds good to me after drinking three beers, two shots, and a bucket of wings with you over dinner!" Lots of undiagnosed and untreated ADDers fall into this category. (ADD = attention deficit disorder) These scapegoats are so into "the moment" that they can't see much past it---or any other moment for that matter. Everything is about the "right now" to a fault. To put it another way, these are the "Act first and think last" scapegoats among us.
Wherever you find yourself...scapegoating is a resolve-able issue whether you have made a bad habit out of scapegoating others---or being scapegoated by others. Being aware of what you do and taking responsibility for it are the FIRST STEPS in breaking that bad habit and creating a new and better habit to replace it over time. Good luck with that. And if you need help with this process---well, that's what psychotherapists like me are for!
Until we meet again...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Scapegoating 101
Lately, I've been made keenly aware (once again!) of the fine art of scapegoating. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept and its practice, please allow me to educate you on this issue. Regardless of how it is described by professionals in the field of mental health, scapegoating is basically blaming someone else and/or punishing someone else for something they are NOT genuinely responsible for. It's that simple. So now let's talk about scapegoating in more detail....
Where does the word "scapegoat" even come from? In the Old Testament Book of Leviticus, a goat was let loose in the wilderness on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) after the high priest symbolically laid the sins of the Israelites on its head. Now this practice of blaming the goat for the sins of the Jewish people may not seem so terrible as the goat clearly didn't know what was going on. Letting a goat loose in the wilderness didn't seem like such a big deal punishment-wise either. The spot where goats were typically let go was about six miles from the city of Jerusalem. Once, a goat managed to even find its way back to the city. This was not a good thing when it happened. The returning goat was believed to represent such an evil omen, that a new practice was implemented immediately. When taken to the spot (a mountain now called el-Muntar), the man in charge of the goat was instructed to push it down the mountainside so it would die from its bones being broken in the fall. Now that's scapegoating. Blame the beast and then kill it for sure...
Scapegoating is not a good thing. Of course it's obvious how the scapegoat feels when we are being blamed and punished for something we didn't say and/or do---or say/do with the intention of hurting another person. Ask anyone today who sits in a prison cell or on death row for a crime they truly did NOT commit. Ask any childhood abuse survivor whose mere existence was reason enough to blame, severely punish, and neglect him or her on a regular basis. Even our fairy tales are loaded with examples of scapegoating gone wild. Cinderella...Snow White...Red Riding Hood (I always wondered why her mother just didn't take those blasted cookies herself to grandma's house!). We have been so saturated with all the reasons why scapegoating is so WRONG---you would think we would finally learn what to do in order to "solve this problem" once and for all! Maybe my two cents on this topic will encourage at least some of us to get over our own bad scapegoating habits sooner than later....
First, we have to be clear on why people choose to scapegoat others in the first place. The answer is simple. They want to AVOID RESPONSIBILITY. It doesn't matter if it's a "big" personal responsibility (like getting a job and paying their own bills) or a "little" personal responsibility (brushing their own teeth each day). Scapegoaters are NOT into being fully responsible for themselves and their own words/actions on a daily basis. Period.
Scapegoats, on the other hand, are ALSO struggling with personal irresponsibility. Instead of avoiding their own responsibilities on a day-to-day basis (big or small), they are willing to TAKE ON the personal responsibilities of others! Yikes! Talk about bass-akwards logic! But there you have it. Scapegoats are the over-responsible "I'll do it for you"'s among us...
Scapegoaters (the people who "do" the scapegoating) often come across as simply thoughtless, foolish, and/or oblivious to the needs of others. I just had a good friend tell me the other day about a neice who ordered the most expensive thing on the menu when taken out by my friend's family the other night. How is this the same as scapegoating? Who was this neice "blaming" and/or "punishing" by her actions? Well---think about it. Scapegoating doesn't have to be as obvious as shoving a goat down a mountainside in order to break its legs and kill it. In this case, I believe the neice was, at the very least, making a statement about what she feels she deserves and may not otherwise be getting from her family. I mean listen...when I was a kid, if I ordered the most expensive thing off the menu and was surrounded by my family---I wouldn't have a jaw left to chew with by the time the food came out! Inotherwords, scapegoating can be subtle as well as blantantly overt!
Another type of scapegoater is all about workin' the compassion factor in each of us. "Oh, I broke my arm I broke my leg I can't get up I can't sit down I'm too tired I'm too wired I'm too sick I'm too busy.." BLAH-DE-BLAH-DE-FRIGGIN'-BLAH! Really? I want these scapegoaters to be marched into the intensive care unit of the nearest hospital and forced to stay there for at least 4 hours every day for a month. If that doesn't work, I want these scapegoaters to be marched into the nearest hospice and forced to interact with the dying for at least 4 hours every day for a month. If they can't get it after that, they are completely hopeless. I mean it's one thing to be able to go to the nearest party store for alcohol and cigarettes every other day...or to go shopping...eating out...hitting the casinos---but another to be "truly" immobile and unable to care for yourself. Scapegoaters who exploit the good nature of their family and friends by crying "helpless" in order to get favors, money, rides, etc. etc. are only being a bit more creative than the typical scapegoater in avoiding their own personal responsibilities...
The third type of scapegoater I will mention here now is the person who watches your every move and listens to your every word like a hawk...and is basically lying in wait for the time when they feel you have "violated" their trust. This type of scapegoater is, to me, the most dangerous. Without you even realizing it, you are being set up to function as their personal Jesus once you get to know them and/or become more intimately involved with them. They are the emotional vampires among us. This scapegoater will seem to go with the flow and function somewhat reasonably UNTIL you don't do whatever it is that they "expect"---and there's hell to pay in its aftermath. "After all I've done for you and this is how you pay me back?!" You know, that kind of logic at work. These scapegoaters are hard to identify UNTIL they melt down at you over whatever straw broke their backs about "you" and the "way you are" as a person. Grant it, these scapegoaters are NOT the type of people who can comfortably and openly discuss much of anything with you when they feel you have offended them. No, these are the folks who are usually "fine" when you ask them what's wrong.....but getting them to talk truthfully about their own feelings and needs ANYWAY is like pulling teeth. These same people are those that make YOU feel like getting "too deep" on any topic with them is annoying and/or offensive in itself. They like to live their lives on the surface. Until of course you "blow it" enough times and they come after you like Jaws!
Next time, we will talk about the common relational dynamics of the scapegoats among us...
Where does the word "scapegoat" even come from? In the Old Testament Book of Leviticus, a goat was let loose in the wilderness on Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) after the high priest symbolically laid the sins of the Israelites on its head. Now this practice of blaming the goat for the sins of the Jewish people may not seem so terrible as the goat clearly didn't know what was going on. Letting a goat loose in the wilderness didn't seem like such a big deal punishment-wise either. The spot where goats were typically let go was about six miles from the city of Jerusalem. Once, a goat managed to even find its way back to the city. This was not a good thing when it happened. The returning goat was believed to represent such an evil omen, that a new practice was implemented immediately. When taken to the spot (a mountain now called el-Muntar), the man in charge of the goat was instructed to push it down the mountainside so it would die from its bones being broken in the fall. Now that's scapegoating. Blame the beast and then kill it for sure...
Scapegoating is not a good thing. Of course it's obvious how the scapegoat feels when we are being blamed and punished for something we didn't say and/or do---or say/do with the intention of hurting another person. Ask anyone today who sits in a prison cell or on death row for a crime they truly did NOT commit. Ask any childhood abuse survivor whose mere existence was reason enough to blame, severely punish, and neglect him or her on a regular basis. Even our fairy tales are loaded with examples of scapegoating gone wild. Cinderella...Snow White...Red Riding Hood (I always wondered why her mother just didn't take those blasted cookies herself to grandma's house!). We have been so saturated with all the reasons why scapegoating is so WRONG---you would think we would finally learn what to do in order to "solve this problem" once and for all! Maybe my two cents on this topic will encourage at least some of us to get over our own bad scapegoating habits sooner than later....
First, we have to be clear on why people choose to scapegoat others in the first place. The answer is simple. They want to AVOID RESPONSIBILITY. It doesn't matter if it's a "big" personal responsibility (like getting a job and paying their own bills) or a "little" personal responsibility (brushing their own teeth each day). Scapegoaters are NOT into being fully responsible for themselves and their own words/actions on a daily basis. Period.
Scapegoats, on the other hand, are ALSO struggling with personal irresponsibility. Instead of avoiding their own responsibilities on a day-to-day basis (big or small), they are willing to TAKE ON the personal responsibilities of others! Yikes! Talk about bass-akwards logic! But there you have it. Scapegoats are the over-responsible "I'll do it for you"'s among us...
Scapegoaters (the people who "do" the scapegoating) often come across as simply thoughtless, foolish, and/or oblivious to the needs of others. I just had a good friend tell me the other day about a neice who ordered the most expensive thing on the menu when taken out by my friend's family the other night. How is this the same as scapegoating? Who was this neice "blaming" and/or "punishing" by her actions? Well---think about it. Scapegoating doesn't have to be as obvious as shoving a goat down a mountainside in order to break its legs and kill it. In this case, I believe the neice was, at the very least, making a statement about what she feels she deserves and may not otherwise be getting from her family. I mean listen...when I was a kid, if I ordered the most expensive thing off the menu and was surrounded by my family---I wouldn't have a jaw left to chew with by the time the food came out! Inotherwords, scapegoating can be subtle as well as blantantly overt!
Another type of scapegoater is all about workin' the compassion factor in each of us. "Oh, I broke my arm I broke my leg I can't get up I can't sit down I'm too tired I'm too wired I'm too sick I'm too busy.." BLAH-DE-BLAH-DE-FRIGGIN'-BLAH! Really? I want these scapegoaters to be marched into the intensive care unit of the nearest hospital and forced to stay there for at least 4 hours every day for a month. If that doesn't work, I want these scapegoaters to be marched into the nearest hospice and forced to interact with the dying for at least 4 hours every day for a month. If they can't get it after that, they are completely hopeless. I mean it's one thing to be able to go to the nearest party store for alcohol and cigarettes every other day...or to go shopping...eating out...hitting the casinos---but another to be "truly" immobile and unable to care for yourself. Scapegoaters who exploit the good nature of their family and friends by crying "helpless" in order to get favors, money, rides, etc. etc. are only being a bit more creative than the typical scapegoater in avoiding their own personal responsibilities...
The third type of scapegoater I will mention here now is the person who watches your every move and listens to your every word like a hawk...and is basically lying in wait for the time when they feel you have "violated" their trust. This type of scapegoater is, to me, the most dangerous. Without you even realizing it, you are being set up to function as their personal Jesus once you get to know them and/or become more intimately involved with them. They are the emotional vampires among us. This scapegoater will seem to go with the flow and function somewhat reasonably UNTIL you don't do whatever it is that they "expect"---and there's hell to pay in its aftermath. "After all I've done for you and this is how you pay me back?!" You know, that kind of logic at work. These scapegoaters are hard to identify UNTIL they melt down at you over whatever straw broke their backs about "you" and the "way you are" as a person. Grant it, these scapegoaters are NOT the type of people who can comfortably and openly discuss much of anything with you when they feel you have offended them. No, these are the folks who are usually "fine" when you ask them what's wrong.....but getting them to talk truthfully about their own feelings and needs ANYWAY is like pulling teeth. These same people are those that make YOU feel like getting "too deep" on any topic with them is annoying and/or offensive in itself. They like to live their lives on the surface. Until of course you "blow it" enough times and they come after you like Jaws!
Next time, we will talk about the common relational dynamics of the scapegoats among us...
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