The Year Ahead...for the Better, or for the Worse?

I got an email the other day from someone I know who is about to sign off on her divorce.  She happened to ask me if it was "normal" to be torn now because she and her soon-to-be ex saw each other last week for the first time in months.  To put it bluntly, they "missed" each other and she wasn't sure if getting divorced was such a good idea after all.   They have been married a handful of years and have no children.

This kind of thing happens often enough.  Regardless of what happened throughout the course of the marriage, it is much easier to remember "the good times" when a person is feeling extraordinarily lonely, helpless, vulnerable, sad, and/or generally "bad" about themselves.  We all get it.  As I had someone tell me many years ago, "I'd rather have him beat me than ignore me."  I am also reminded of the saying describing how a fool and his folly are much like a dog that returns to its own vomit.  Regardless of what logic dictates, we keep going back for more...back for more.

I think part of the problem with humanity is that we are eternal optimists when it comes to the way we judge people who really and truly don't deserve our optimism.  Do I sound cynical?  Well, so what.  It's true anyway.  I just finished reading a book entitled "After Perfect" where a family was thrown into the abyss after the man of the house was found to be a co-conspirator of the real-life "Wolf of Wall Street".  Kind of like what happened in the movie "Blue Jasmine", but written from one of the daughter's perspective.  It's a tragic story;  even made more tragic because the author kept believing in her father's love and loyalty towards her in spite of reality.  She didn't wake up from her self-imposed fog until long after she achieved financial ruin because of the ongoing exploitation.  Listen, people don't change for the authentic better just because we want them to.  People don't change for the authentic better because time has passed and they say the right-enough things "now" when they speak to us.  Unless a person has done a sh** ton of work that would include changing their playmates and their playground(s), psychotherapy, self-help groups, and/or experiencing an authentic spiritual transformation with the evidence to prove it...it's all a bunch of baloney. Just as it is and remained for this author's parent.  Changing for the better means the ways in which we THINK have to change...the ways in which we FEEL have to change...and the ways in which we BEHAVE have to change.   And not just for a week, or a month, or a season----but for good.  In the author's book, her dad was eventually released from prison and is rumored to have remarried a much younger woman from a foreign country.  Of course he did.  Who knows...he may go ahead to have another three daughters to replace those he left behind as well!

So, back to this person who asked me the other day about her impending divorce.  I can't tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.  Nobody can.  If she wants a divorce, she'll sign those papers.  And if she doesn't want a divorce, she won't sign those papers.  And whichever way that goes, if she wants to see and sleep with her husband or ex-husband or whatever he is to her after all is said and done---she'll do that too.

We all want to drink the kool-aid by believing that "our" influence (which is of course positive!) will somehow encourage and inspire the positive changes we wish to see in another.  Reminds me of the time when a friend from church kept talking about her friend who needed a "religious conversion" because she was a drug user and a stripper.  (Yes, girls and boys, there was a time when drug-using strippers were not celebrated and revered as they are today...) Instead of THAT happening, my friend herself became a drug-using stripper and Jesus got way lost somewhere in that shuffle.

Also somewhere along the way we came to believe that people are naturally "good" by nature.  No we aren't.  We are selfish, angry when crossed, lazy, pride-filled, envious, addicted to "more", and lust-filled by nature.  To change for the better is an ongoing process...and basically represents our life's work when we commit ourselves to it.  But to commit ourselves...now there's a challenge.  And just because we want this person we are divorcing to make that commitment....is NO indication that they will.  Nobody can change you but you.  Nobody can change me but me.  And how or why we think we can change someone else for the better is what got us into all this trouble in the first place!

Until next time...and happy new year 2016 while I'm at it!

Tales from the Middle School Front....

Isn't it amazing how some things change dramatically during our lifetimes...while others hardly change at all? When it comes to the disturbed and dysfunctional behaviors of middle school students, very little has changed.  I know the whole "Zero Tolerance" campaign (for bullying) has been designed to give school administrators, parents, students, and the community at large the idea that bullying is being eradicated from public school life. My response to that is "I have some snow here to sell to the Eskimos!"

From the stories I have heard over the past decade, today's kids are more at risk of being terrorized, traumatized, and corrupted than ever before in history.   Today's blog post is being written to help wake up parents to the truth of what's happening in their own child's middle school.  My hope is that parents will begin to initiate some HONEST conversations with their kids about what specifically is going on...and what needs to be done to appropriately solve, resolve, and/or dissolve these problems.

I can remember when I was a kid how Devon Greasy-oh (not his real name, but close enough! LOL!) used to stop me on my way to school and demand that I give him a quarter.  Since I was about nine years old at the time, a quarter represented 9/10ths of my lunch money for the day.  At first, I was like "Go away Greasy-oh!" and kept walking up the street.  Yet he followed me, called me every name but "Mary" that he could think of, and then pushed me down before running off.  Needless to say, I started walking a whole other route to and from school each day.  But I do recall seeing Devon after that inside the only local gas station between school and our respective houses.  He was perched in front of the vending machine that sold candy bars and other fossilized junk food for ten cents a pop.  At least I was able to connect his need for dough with his need for Payday candy bars...

Flash forward to 1999.  Extortion has become much more complex and slick an enterprise.  One kid offers to take a picture (on their phone) of another kid changing their shirt during gym class.  That photograph is then being "sold" to the highest bidder (which, at that time was $2.00).  The person changing clothes who had no idea this picture was being taken is female;  the person buying the photograph for $2.00 is male.  A sympathetic observer lets her parent know what happened and the principal is notified.  The boy is expelled permanently from the school;  the photographer is suspended for a few days.  Okay (?)  Nobody cared to determine whose idea it was to take the photograph in the first place...but isn't that how life can go.

2015 arrives.  "Jay" organizes after-lunch time fights in remote hallways of the school building (or outside during recess) where audience members (other classmates) have the chance to "bet" on who will win the fight between Kid A and Kid B (both "big" kids by the way).  But for interest's sake, Kid C might get thrown into the fight just for fun (Kid C being half the size of Kids A & B).  "Jay" takes all the money collected for these bets---and then just goes away after the fight is over.  I presume "Jay" is prepping himself for a future as a bookie who keeps all his takings.  I also presume "Jay" has to pay off Kid A and Kid B something so as not to get his own behind pummeled for lack of payment for services rendered.

I share the above real-life scenarios to make the point that there are kids in your kid's grade or classroom who want and need money and have not figured out any other way to obtain it.  Extortion has been around forever;  pay attention to how much money your kid takes to school each day and/or doesn't seem to have in spite of what he or she has been given for the day/week/month.

Next....the lunchroom.  Everyone has memories of the lunchroom don't they?  I can remember standing in line while Ricardo Yelps (again, not his real name, but close enough!) would cut in line.....take something out of someone's hand and start eating it....demand money....and/or wait until a person was through the line and knock over their tray or take their ice cream.

When I was a lunchroom monitor for the short time that I was, I saw a kid pick up another kid's lunchable disc of lunchmeat---and fling it across the table like a flying saucer.  When he made eye contact with me immediately afterwards, I had him give part of his lunch to his victim as restitution.

Just the other day, I heard of a middle schooler taking the whole metal container of french fries (as in the metal container meant for the entire grade's lunch hour) over to his table to "share" with his friends.  An administrator happened to walk past and took the container back to where it belonged.  Was there any consequence for this particular offender?  It didn't sound like it.  Meanwhile, the real housewives of town volunteering as lunchroom monitors were busy in the corner doing what came most naturally to them: gossiping.

Tray flipping is still alive and well.  Taking food from other kids and eating it right in front of them.  Smashing sandwiches or throwing them on the floor.  Some things never change.  Have a conversation.  Let your child(ren) tell you what goes on at lunchtime so you can understand what his or her experiences are like.  Get and stay involved.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt...it may be your own status quo when it comes to any attempt(s) at understanding your own child(ren)'s middle school life...

Getting Away.....It's Good For You

A friend of mine just posted on Facebook about the importance of traveling...of the ability to get away...while any of us are still young enough and healthy enough to do it.  I couldn't agree with her more. Right now, she and her husband are in Paris.  My husband and I just got back today from Maui.  Believe me, taking the time to take a vacation is no longer a luxury in today's society;  it is a necessity!

It doesn't matter how much money you think you do or don't have to vacation.  Some of my best vacations were weekend camping trips up north with a borrowed tent and camping equipment.  I think on one of those trips I had $50 on me for the whole weekend including what I'd have to spend for gas. Two friends went with me on the promise of a third having space for us at a campground in Muskegon somewhere.  It was raining cats and dogs out as we drove to get there;  none of us had ever camped before in our lives.  We didn't even really know where we were going as cell phones and GPS weren't even invented yet.  Maps were, but who could read those?! (LOL!)

My point is that getting away when you need it is like taking a good long drink of fresh water when you haven't had any in years.  In spite of the peanuts galleries everywhere and all around us which proclaim "You can't do that now!", it DOES feel good to get out of Dodge and stay out if even for a day or two.  A change of scenery forces our brains to think more clearly as we navigate ourselves through new and uncharted territories.  Even of those territories are familiar "enough" to us (like going up north or down to Cedar Point)...there is still that element of surprise and adventure attached.  For people struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder, putting ourselves in new situations and surroundings has a healing effect on the brain and it's ability to calm itself in order to think more clearly and more rationally.  A woman struggling with a difficult cancer diagnosis decides to learn Italian to help herself heal.  Another picks up crocheting.  A third travels to India (and wrote a book about it too:  "Eat.  Pray.  Love.").  When we venture outside our own life's box...it is amazing how much more we do have to see, appreciate, enjoy, and experience as part of our own healing, personal change, and growth process.

Have you ever known someone who died before they took that "dream" vacation they may have spoken to you or others about for a long time?  I did.  There is nothing sadder than to see someone work so very hard all of their adult lives and then "Poof!" it's suddenly all gone because death claimed them.  Life is extremely short and we aren't even promised tomorrow.  How can we keep hurting ourselves by saying "Oh yeah...one day I'm going to go/take my wife/take our family/go with my parents/invite my sisters...." when one day actually never takes place?

Today is the first day to practice doing what you have said and have kept saying you are going to do.  The words are meaningless without the appropriate action(s) to back up those words.  Figure out where you are going to get away...save your $$...make the phone calls....and do it.  Just do it.  It's good for you and you'll be glad you did.

Until next time...