Rocking the Boat When There is No More Boat!

What's the earliest experience you can recall with someone basically telling you:  "Don't rock the boat!"

Can you remember?  If you don't, how about your earliest memory of it being made very clear to you to keep your mouth shut about ***** or there will be hell to pay?  Whether that hell to pay came from your own hide or not, you learned to keep your mouth shut/don't rock the boat/just pretend this never happened (etc. etc. etc.) so you wouldn't experience even MORE pain...

Examples?  I got a million:

"My mom would never tell me who my father was.  She would go ballistic if I asked her anything about "my" dad.  On her death bed, she still wouldn't give it up.  Turns out after she passed, I realized I had been asking the wrong person all along!  I randomly asked my aunt one day, and she gave me his name and how he was now deceased also;  she saved me another 10 years of trying to solve this mystery on my own!  Man, did my mother have me well trained about not rocking the boat on "that" subject!"

"My brother abused me since I was about eight years old.  And then he had to go and die in a car wreck last year.  He always threatened me as a kid about telling our parents.  He said I would end up being kicked out of our house if I told and my parents would hate me.  And now he's dead, my parents hate me anyway, and all I want to do is get high."

"My father told me that his dad was in college when I was growing up.  Whenever I'd ask about my grandpa, I'd get yelled at.  Turns out he was a murderer and was doing life in Jackson prison ever since I was a toddler.  Just before my father died, I told him that I found out about grandpa and it was o.k.  What did he do?  He went off on ME!  Like it was my fault his father killed someone?!?  Who does that to their own kid?"

Today's post is about how so many of us still actively work to "Don't rock the boat!' when there is no more boat to concern yourself with rocking!  That original boat of toxic fear, shame, guilt, ambivalence, and self-or-other-directed contempt sailed a long time ago, along with all those experiences from your own complicated childhood/teen years/young adulthood.

Now, as an adult, you no longer have to worry about what anyone from your past might say to you in order to control and manipulate your thoughts, feelings, and associated behaviors.  Whatever boat came along back then to anger you, confuse you, or scare you---that boat is NOT coming back again!  Your own days of "Don't rock the boat!' from your past are truly over!  This is the good news.

Here's the bad news:  when you are "triggered" by scenarios in your present life which remind you of any boat(s) from your past---you have to be mindful of "What's the lesson for me here?" about that incoming boat!  Rather than flipping yourself out over any present-day triggers...you need to focus your mind on the lesson(s) to be learned from those triggers!  Life is truly a series of blessings...and of lessons.  I know that in my own life, when I am triggered "now" by some person, place, or thing, I immediately shift my mind's focus from "OMG WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THAT NOW!?" to "Oh!  What is the lesson here for me now?"  Believe me, it helps!

For example, the woman whose mother wouldn't tell her who her biological father was.  This same woman, after finding out "who" he was from her aunt---she had presumed this "mystery" about her parentage was finally solved.  Nope...not really.  There were more lessons there for her to uncover.

She went on with her life believing everything was all good enough, until she saw a man on the street one day with a little girl that reminded her of herself as a young child around that same age.  Suddenly, this woman found herself becoming extremely agitated and upset for no apparent reason.  Instead of ruining her own day by remaining worked up---she decided to call her maternal grandma, who was still alive.  After grandma picked up the phone, this woman found herself asking out of nowhere, "Grandma, was your family already related to my dad when mom got pregnant with me?"  (Funny how that works!)  Without realizing it, this woman allowed herself to think beyond "who" her biological father was---and instead on the issue of "why" his identity was such a huge secret for all of her life (until AFTER her own mother was dead)!  Sure enough, grandma responded by saying, "Well, yes honey he was Uncle Frankie's son from his first marriage."  Bingo!  Now the mystery was truly solved:  this woman's mom and biological dad were first cousins.  Everything made even better sense.  Yet what a journey over a "secret" that had nothing to do with this woman herself...but everything to do with her mother's shame over becoming pregnant by her own first cousin!  Yikes!

That's how it can be.  In our effort to not "rock the boat" from our past---we prevent ourselves from finding out important truths about how that boat came into existence in the first place!  Just today, I read that the actor Denise Richards feels she "shielded" her daughters from the actor Charlie Sheen's "wild life" as their biological father.  Ya think?  LOL!  Listen, the lessons that carry the truth of any given situation are always present---no matter how far back into the past they go!  The truth doesn't just disappear because one or more parties prefer it---or work extremely hard to hide it!  The truth is the truth, regardless of how difficult, complex,, or scandalous it may appear to be!

Not rocking the boat is a fool's game.  It teaches us to submit ourselves to someone else's demands, which are rarely good for us in the long run.  The truth is NOT our enemy!  It never has been.  What is bad for us is believing the lies, omissions, half truths, and twisted realities that others attempt to impose on us while we are here.  Without the truth being present, we are vulnerable to becoming the type of person we thought we'd never become...and not in a good way!  Do you want to be better...or do you want to be bitter about "whatever" experiences from your past that have essential parts of the truth missing from it?!  Stop the crazy.  Live in the truth, find out the truth, and be grateful for it!

Until next post...

Coping...and More Coping (COVID-19)

I know.  I know.  I'm getting it every time I have zoomed with a client in recent days.  "I can't stand this isolation."  "When is this damn virus going to be over?"  "Forget it!  We've stopped socially distancing within our family!"  "When can I go back to work where I used to work?!"

Remember in a recent post when I referred to this current pandemic as one heck of a FFT?  ("F"ing First Time!)  We can all thank author Brene Brown for coining that term!  Well, FFTs mean that nobody really knows exactly "what" to do to make ANY first-time catastrophic and unwanted event/process seamless enough from start to finish!  There is no doubt that this virus will eventually "end";  how long it takes is anybody's guess.  Current estimates suggest 70% of the U.S. population will have been infected before we acquire herd immunity.  I, myself, will be PPE'ing up and social distancing indefinitely.  I won't repeat what I've already written regarding that in past posts.  I just watched a program last night about the Black Death of the 14th century...and how DNA analysis on the teeth of victims showed the this particular plague from nearly 700 years ago was pneumonic in nature, just like COVID-19.  Spread through the air via coughing and sneezing;  some things just don't change no matter how many hundreds of years have passed.  I know we like to think we understand the who, what, where, when, how, and why of most anything 99.999% of the time.  In this case, it might take another 700 years before we truly understand how the current virus was much the same (or different!) from any other plague that has marked mankind throughout the ages.

So what are we supposed to do in the meantime?  How do we develop and practice emotional resilience when we've been taken to the brink by something our present generations never saw coming?

For those of us who struggle with chronic anxiety and/or obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and/or specific phobias such as to do with germs, insects, and/or other forms of contamination---where we are now represents the literal "worst of times".  The comedian Bill Maher recently posted a video about how the pandemic and OCD tie together.  I suggest anyone who is interested to watch it.  I never liked Maher historically speaking;  I felt he was a big blowhard who took way too many potshots at people of faith throughout his comedic career.  However, between getting older (now) and taping this video from his own home---he was actually quite thoughtful without being highly offensive.  He makes many good points about the need for developing the now-often-discussed "herd immunity", while keeping our own heads in reality rather than in our own catastrophic fictional scenarios.  This, by the way, is NOT easy to do without proper "assistance" that may take the form of teletherapy, a new daily "routine" to stick with for mind/body/spirit wellness, and/or the proper psychotropic medication (NON-addictive!) if determined necessary.  After all, it's one thing to be anxious and/or OCD...it's quite another when you become so afraid of your own thoughts---you "respond" to them before you respond to the actual and real-life reality that is going on around you!  And that's the bottom line when it comes to catastrophic and obsessive thinking:  when you find yourself reacting to your "own" version of reality before you even notice the real-life and right-now reality that is surrounding you in any given moment---it IS time to get help and assistance from appropriate qualified sources "stat"!

This leads me to my next point:  we don't typically "notice" when we respond to someone or some thing in our daily lives in a way which has very little to do with real-life and right-now reality---but EVERYTHING to do with the frightening thoughts within our own minds!  For example, let's say you call me.  I answer the phone.  You immediately ask me, "What's wrong?!"  Huh?!?  Where'd that come from?!  It comes from the chronically anxious person, that's where!  And please don't say "Well, you sounded like something was wrong!"  How can a person sound like something is wrong merely by saying "Hello." when answering their own phone?!  No, that's not going to fly anymore.  When we struggle with chronic anxiety, it does not follow that anyone we call on the phone is going to feel exactly the same as we ourselves do.  Just a reminder.  I can remember a pre-COVID-19 client years ago whose wife screamed at him as soon as he came home one night after work saying, "My mother is going to be here in 20 minutes and the vacuum cleaner is broken!  FIX IT NOW!!!"  Okay then!  Anxiety much?  Yes, anxiety way too much actually!  To cut to the chase, when we "expect" the people we live with or hang out with to help "manage" our anxiety for us by doing whatever it is we want or expect them to say or do on demand---that's certainly a shi**y way to roll in case you haven't thought about it this way before!

Needless to say, you don't exist and I don't exist just to make sure that the next person we speak to is having a "good" or "better" day as a result of their own personal encounter with us.  You may be an encourager by  nature, but don't be a dummy also.  It is not your job to lose yourself in the mire of someone else's anxious mind or thoughts because he or she doesn't know how to free themselves from them.  In this time of COVID-19, please don't slip into the codependent and toxic trap of feeling over-responsible for some other adult's inability to think straight and/or logically in your shared "present" moments together!

Now stop and re-read that last paragraph about 20 times if you need to.  It might actually inspire you to check yourself before you wreck yourself!

Just the other day, I heard of an extended family who just decided to stop social distancing.  I understand a choice like that, but not at the expense of those vulnerable members of that same family who have no say (such as the babies, minor children, and elderly family members).  I can only pray nobody in that family gets sick or worse;  it's one thing to "Do it 'cause it feels good!"---it's another to do it and someone else is severely and negatively affected in its aftermath.

When the Public Health Act was being drafted by our federal government back during the time of cholera (so as to flatten its curve!)...its protesters said that they would rather "take our chances" of becoming sick than to "be bulled by the Public Health Act".  Wow.  Okay then!  There you go.

Some things never change, no matter what the plague or pandemic happens to be.  We all get to choose how we cope each in our own way.  I hope you will cope in a way that doesn't harm you...or those around you.  That's all.  And if you need help, teletherapy is available through most licensed psychotherapists throughout this great country of ours.  Go to www.psychologytoday.com and type in your zip code under the "Find A Therapist" icon.  You will then have access to all the licensed clinicians in your local area, with photos and detailed descriptions included.  Most of us are offering teletherapy to clients be it through online video chat or phone sessions.

Stay strong, safe, and healthy.  We truly are in this together.

Until next post...

When you "Zoom" (or Facetime! or Skype! or Whatsapp!) etc. etc.

Let me first say that this post is being focused on "social" video chat interactions...NOT those to do with work or in some other professional capacity.  In those situations, there is a meeting facilitator assigned to ensure that any inappropriate behaviors are immediately managed (except for the one guy who showed up naked for his team meeting on Zoom and didn't realize how walking away for a moment would require an eyeball wash among his viewing co-workers!)

No, today's post is about how to manage "family" zoom sessions...or video chat sessions with friends or social groups.

First, be aware of your "numbers".  Up to four people is easily manageable.  When you go beyond four, there has to be some structure established or things can get squirrely very quickly.  For example, the "group" which meets once a month or so (gardening friends, book group, movie club, neighbors on such-and-such street, etc.).  How does the group manage the one (or two or three!) people who appear to be missing an "Off" button, and who are braggarts or blowhards of the first order?  This is a difficult challenge to be sure.  Why?  Because the "Can't shut up and stop talking about me me me or my man man man or my kids kids kids or my grandkids grandkids grandkids!" person is NOT going to change!  That's the first thing to keep in mind.

Let's face it, some people are most definitely addicted to certain people in their lives (we call that codependency by the way!)...and they have no plans to detox anytime soon!  As such, it becomes important to re-direct the conversation away from their never-ending blatting onto someone else---or something else.  Not that this will stop them from doing what they do again (and again and again!)...but at least they MAY eventually understand that if they go too long---so-and-so from the group will change the subject and re-direct the conversation on to someone or something else.  Pick that person who will be the "re-director" in advance of your sessions with each other.  Seriously.  Maybe it will be you, maybe it will be someone else from the group.  Do it.  If you don't...you all will continue to suffer!

Conversely, if your social group has difficulty with people not opening up and talking at all unless asked specifically to answer specific questions...this issue is actually quite easy to resolve.  Assign one or two session "hosts" who will get the ball rolling and continuing to roll throughout your meeting.  This is especially helpful with clubs or special interest and hobby groups that meet.  "We thought we'd start by asking each of you to talk about.....  Please limit your response to no more than three minutes.  We can ask questions after everyone is finished responding and before we move on to the next topic."  This isn't about being in control;  this is about creating and maintaining a social environment that fosters mutual respect and mutually beneficial outcomes.

With family, there is this typically unspoken "pecking order" which suggests that "So-and-So" is the Chief (or Chieftess) with everyone else fitting into some pre-determined slot along an invisible descending hierarchy.  (Favorite son, daughter, or grandchild "next"...2nd favorite son, daughter, or grandchild to follow...etc. etc. until we get to the biggest loser in the family (or least acknowledged!) and their descendants..).  Do I sound harsh?  Wake up.  Anyone who has more than one child...or sibling...knows what I am talking about here!  Let alone the "in laws" who were born into some "other" family altogether!  Funny how we all know when we are being dismissed, treated as if we are invisible, or harshly judged for whatever it is we say during one of these types of sessions!  And remind me why we wonder how screwed up people can be as part of any larger community?  We learn all about dysfunction from our FAMILY SYSTEM!  Period!  Don't get it twisted.

Many times, the best "strategy" in zooming or facetiming with anybody is to keep your sessions small in spite of what you want...or what your mom or dad or granny wants and expects.  If grandma is addicted to you and your family---that's fine.  Just zoom with her and vice versa!  At least she'll be more positive than negative (we hope!), even if she feels free to try telling you how to think, feel, and behave 24/7!  (LOL!)

Another issue, regardless if you are video chatting with family, friends, neighbors, or acquaintances from a group---is to STOP before you THINK and then SPEAK.  Until you make this a habit, you will be tempted to say what immediately comes to your mind, instead of appropriately censoring yourself and/or responding appropriately.

Just the other night, an acquaintance of mine made a snarky remark to me after I was asked what I did that day by our session host.  This particular acquaintance has done this so often with me, it has been noticed by others in the group.  Now, me being me, I COULD have responded to her by saying "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH ME LADY?!" ---but no, I did not.  What I say to myself is this:  "Damn!  Is she a miserable person or what?!"  (And the answer to that question is "Yes!  She is!")  Grant it, her misery has nothing to do with me, but obviously my presence on video chat triggers her for some reason or another.

Listen up folks, whatever lies behind someone else's harsh judgments, false accusations, or nasty remarks directed at you, yourself--remember this:  You didn't CAUSE their dysfunction, you can't CONTROL their dysfunction, and you sure as *$) can't CURE their dysfunction.  It's not about you at all in these moments.  BUT---you sure can say (if you choose!) out loud:  "Wow, that's an interesting remark Karen!  What made you say that to me just now?"  That IS an appropriate response and one I have mentioned in my blog here MANY times!

When someone says or does something to instantly cause a "?!?!??!?!" within your heart and spirit---it is PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE to ask them "Gee, interesting!  What made you say that just now?"  "I saw what you just did, but I don't understand what you meant by that.  Can you explain it to me?"  etc. etc. etc.  Let that other person TELL you why they just behaved like a thoughtless fool.  If they don't, at least they have become aware that you are NOT afraid to confront them in a very gentle, and yet direct manner whenever they personally offend you!

In spite of all, we do need each other.  We are all trying to just walk one another home during this difficult and challenging time in our lives.  COVID-19 is no joke nor is it some conspiracy theory meant to ruin our lives and plans.  It just happened.  Never forget, it isn't what happened that matters most in this life, it is how we respond in the aftermath that matters most.  Don't be a jerk.  Don't be a fool.  And don't be ugly.  When you take out your frustrations on other people, you are spreading your OWN pain around like a virus!  Stop it!   Practice being kind AND practice telling the truth both at the same time!  That's the only way to roll.  Kindness without truth is like letting the genuinely guilty go free.  Truth without kindness is like a clanging gong.  We need both together;  the truth spoken kindly and graciously at all times and in all circumstances.  So do that and stay strong!  (Healthy too!)

Until next post....