Dealing With Drama Online...

The one thing I love about social media is that you never know what is going to "pop up" as you scroll through your Tik Tok or Twitter accounts...your Facebook newsfeed....your bff's Instagram...and any other social media platforms you are connected to.  The one thing I hate about social media is that you never know what is going to "pop up" as you scroll through your Tik Tok or Twitter accounts....your Facebook newsfeed...your bff's Instagram....and any other social media platforms you are connected to.  Yep, that about sums it up.

So...how DO we deal with the unwanted and unexpected drama that pops up and is part and parcel of the whole world of social media, gaming platforms, online "support" groups, and the like?  Today's post offers some tips for the travel-weary onliner before anyone bolts and shuts down their online presence forever!

1.  Even if you believe you "know" him/her/them in real life...you may not!

Why do you think Facebook's nickname is "Fakebook"?  How did "Finsta-gram" come into existence? ("Fake" Instagram for parents' viewing pleasure!)  Don't get me started on Only Fans (Porn from my house to yours for my $$$ benefit).  Social media is our way to control the narratives we generate, regardless if actual truth enters into any given narrative---or not!  When we can pay better attention to what people are posting about and/or consistently "communicating" through their posting lifestyle....we will perhaps get a better idea of  just "who" they are portraying themselves to be as it relates to their social media presence and purpose(s).  Probably the most tragic example of this is when a parent of mine found out that his daughter was making big $$ on Only Fans because she was streaming sexual content with her female roommate.  This because the young woman's older brother was shown the content by one of his friends!

2.  Not everyone has a brain that works very well!

Have you ever responded to a post in what you believed was an appropriate and supportive manner, only to be blasted for your response?  When this happens, you have to remember that not everyone has a brain that works very well.  Instead of turning yourself inside out over "What did I say or do to offend this person so much?!"...you need to L-E-T-I-T-G-O!  (Let it go!)  For all you know the person who just jumped down your throat may be drunk, or high, or otherwise "impaired" in ways you are completely unaware of.  Let us not forget those who are also mentally ill and haven't yet sought professional help or treatment for that.  When a person feels free to attack someone anyway, let alone online, there is more to the story than the perpetrator perhaps "having a bad day".  All their days may be bad to begin with!

3.  Do not set yourself up for drama/abuse and then remain in it once it gets started online!

Unless you were born under a rock and stayed there, there are a WHOLE lot of issues that are repeatedly brought up online in order to give perpetrators of drama and subsequent abuse (and their targets!)  a format in which to form traumatic bonds with one another.  This is never a good plan.  Everyone knows how to start a fight anyway, let alone online.  Even if posted one word on my Facebook today:  "Trump" -- how would you respond to that?  What if, instead, I posted the word "Biden" ?  See what I mean?  We know what to post in order to get the party started---even when the party will not be a good one!  

When someone falsely accuses you or harshly judges you by virtue of posts you originate and/or respond to, it's time to truly check yourself before you wreck yourself---or someone else in that process.  I am totally for speaking truth, but there are many times that once you choose to speak it...you do NOT stick around and wait to see what comes back at you.  That's what bouncing and blocking are for, after all!

4.  If you are a minor (under the age of 18), DO NOT EVER agree to "go to" or "meet up" with someone you only know from your "online" interactions!

This bears worth repeating and is most definitely the most important point of today's blog post.  Can I tell you about the time a high schooler I saw in treatment "met" an older student at another school "online"?  He groomed her of course, in spite of just being two years older than she.  One day, he suggested that he come over to her house while her mother was still at work.  He did.  He also came with his "cousins" (two other males) to her house.  Because she was embarrassed about them just standing there on her front porch, she let them in.  I won't tell you the rest, but the worst did happen.  Before the sentencing, I did assist her in writing her victim impact letter to address the court.  She actually thought to start her letter with "Dear...(Perpetrators of My Abuse)".  That's  how disconnected she was from the trauma she endured at their hands.  DO NOT EVER agree to "go to" or "meet up" with someone you only know from your "online" interactions!

5.  Social Media is "not" real life.  Get out there and "do" your own real life.  If you don't, you may find that your electronics "own" you mind, body, and soul rather than the other way around!

This is a more common phenomenon for Gen Z...who were born with the electronics literally in their own and their family's faces since birth.  Look around you today when you are out and about.  You see two year olds in shopping carts these days with their mom's cell phone as entertainment!  Since Gen Z was most adversely affected by Covid, they have also learned to be and remain isolated from "real" socializing in "real" life.  So---we have a lot to work through on their behalf!  Real life matters.  (A new tagline for their generation!)

Yep, "Real Life Matters!"

Until next post....

What About Our Kid(s)?

The dog walker of former celebrity couple Jason Sudeikis ("Ted Lasso") and Olivia Wilde ("Don't Worry Darling") recently wrote a hilarious essay about her time spent working as the family's dog walker for "Gordon Sudeikis Wilde".  In the essay, she stated that the breakup of this celeb couple was not a surprise, given Sudeikis' narcissistic bent as Lord and Master of the Manor.  Not that she put it that way exactly, because I'm paraphrasing here.  She became visibly upset when she found out that Gordon was being rehomed as part of the couple's split and in spite of the couple's two young children.  In a nutshell, this dog walking nanny had no idea that one of the funniest men on our planet allegedly functioned also as the "Great I AM!" within the four walls of his own household.  Olivia Wilde, by the way, moved on and over to singer Harry Styles after leaving Sudeikis.  Given that Styles is ten years younger than Olivia (she's 38, he's 28) and he's got that "Watermelon Sugar" up his sleeve besides---she seems to have transitioned quite well to her new life leaving Sudeikis in the dust (no pun intended there).

YET---Sudeikis and Wilde created two children together.  One is age 6...the other age 8.  How are THEY doing I have to wonder?  It's quite a shocking transition when one's mommy and daddy and beloved doggie are suddenly split apart from the only life these children have ever known.  How does that work?  There is nothing to suggest that the Sudeikis/Wilde children are being improperly cared for;  however Sudeikis did have Wilde served with custody-related documents while she was on stage speaking about her latest movie project earlier this year.  Was that a low blow?  Perhaps...but perhaps not.  What if, in fact, Ms. Wilde suffers from the same form of "Great I AM"-ness as her former boyfriend?  After all, there is that saying about water always finding its own level. 

Today's post isn't about this trio;  it's about any and all children caught in the cross-hairs of the adult drama that surrounds them.  What about your kid(s)?  What about your sister's kid(s)?  Your brother's kid(s)?  Your bff's kid(s)?  In today's world, there are an ungodly number of minor children who keep falling through those cracks of reality that the adults around them continue to ignore and/or minimize.  I've seen it countless times in my life and career.  Adults who are "too busy" "too stressed out" "too wasted" "too self-involved" etc. etc. to pay any close attention to what their own kid(s)' lives are actually like.  This is and remains the saddest commentary ever on how easy it is for us to forget about our child(ren) and the work of preparing them for adulthood in ways that do NOT include those heavy doses of neglect, trauma, drama, and confusion!

When I see what is termed "at risk" youth...there is generally a common theme that pops up within the first 2-3 sessions.  What is that theme?  The theme is wrapped up in statements like these:  "They don't know me...they don't want to know me...they don't care about me...they don't try to understand me.  He wants me to be something I have NO interest in!  She treats me like I'm invisible unless I'm doing something she wants from me."  

Well, if you are too busy as a parent to find out exactly "who" your child(ren) is/are, rather than focusing on what you expect him/her/them to become for your own sake...NO WONDER kids grow up to be anything BUT what you personally hoped for as their parent(s)!  

I remember a young girl many years ago whose father was hell-bent on making a basketball star out of her.  This kid was in 5th grade at the time.  She didn't want to "do" basketball and told both him and her mother she wasn't interested.  Her mother heard her;  her father did not.  In fact, he attached some pretty underhanded punishments to the mix if his daughter wasn't out there "practicing" in the driveway when he came home from work each day.  This couple ended up divorced by the time this young girl was in high school.  I ran into the mom years later after the divorce.  The first thing I asked her was "Is she into basketball at all these days?"  Mom laughed.  She said, "She hates all sports!"  Was I surprised?  Heck no I was NOT!  

Our kids are not objects.  We forget that.  When we are narcissistic enough, we actually believe our kids to be an extension of our "best" selves besides.  Have you ever seen the British classic "Hobson's Choice" on Tubi yet?  If not, you need to watch it this weekend!  It is probably the BEST film depicting a narcissistic and delusional father trying to control the lives and choices of his three unmarried daughters. Hobson is played by the infamous British character actor Charles Laughton.  Don't get me started on that guy's "real" life.  It was truly disgusting, but that's another post for another time.  

Let's put it this way, when all one has to spread around in one's own life and relationships are large piles of dung of one's own making....it is going to invariably get on to other people, including the child(ren) we claimed we would "never" hurt in such a way.  Good luck with expecting the best from our kids because of our own worst behaviors!

Our kids are gifts from God in case any of us have forgotten that fact.  They don't just grow up to be good and productive citizens of the planet because we (as their parents) blew them off, minimized their own difficult experiences navigating life around them, and focused on our own "stuff" more often than we did in encouraging, inspiring, and motivating them in an appropriate manner.  

And you wonder why Gen Z is so socially incompetent and isolated, with their heads stuck inside their electronic devices and/or virtual reality/video games/online sims games?  This, the generation that goes postal over the use of "words" that instantly brand you every name in the book but your own?  Talk about emotional dysregulation! How'd this happen?  I don't wonder.  Do you?

We have a lot of work to do parents.  Don't blow it.  You might end up with what you yourself  have become and still haven't corrected in your own life.  Just saying....

Until next post.

Do We? Or Don't We? (TRUST!)

Improving the quality of our own lives doesn't happen by magic.  Nor does it happen because time keeps marching on.  Until and unless we do our OWN work to think, feel, and behave more appropriately on a consistent basis, we won't!  We will remain emotionally unregulated and plagued by whatever plagues us.  As I mentioned in my last post, obsessive and intrusive thoughts are NOT something anyone welcomes generally speaking.  This is because such thoughts are often negative in nature and do zero to validate and affirm ourselves, others, and our life's experiences.  Learning how to collapse down our imagined fears and worrisome/frightening thoughts won't occur by virtue of the aging process either.  Becoming older has nothing to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature as a person.  

In fact, things can get worse as we age out!   I don't know about you, but I have been noticing all around me the number of individuals in my own age range who are forgetting more...and remembering less.  I just also read an online article about how "the signs" of dementia generally begin nine years before an official diagnosis is made.  Okay then!  So much to look forward to for us baby boomers and Gen X'ers, don't you agree?  (LOL!)

So what's the good news?  There IS a process for healing and recovery.  It's been around for-ever!  Trusting in that process and seeking good-enough help to get ourselves on the right path remains a primary go-to strategy.  And sometimes, we also need the help of the right psychotropic medication to diminish the frequency and intensity of our ongoing anxieties, depression, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, and the delusional beliefs that too often accompany them.  We don't want to end up bitter against the world we inhabit by the time our personal clock is punched;  we want to be "better"!  Better takes work.  Better has always taken work to achieve!  It all begins with that "T" word;  having TRUST in our ability to change for the better...and doing our work to achieve "better" over the long haul of our own lives!

We are all so good at telling each other, "Oh, I trust my God...my spouse...my parents....my best friend since 2nd grade.....  Yet, in truth, we most often only trust ourselves and even that is a sketchy proposition when we are feeling and experiencing too many HALTTSS (remember HALTTSS?  Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Thirsty Sad and/or Sick..) too often in our daily lives.  And our HALTTSS, oh by the way, represent just one aspect of our overall "condition" in any given moment of time. Stress...trauma...loss...grief... Yes, there are lots of things that can occur in our life and living environment to chip away at whatever "trust" exists within our hearts and minds.

When we don't trust, we forget what it feels like TO genuinely feel safe, secure, hopeful, accepted, loved, and valued for our existence.   If we are fortunate, we may feel it for a time as we are growing up...but as soon as the codependent-based expectations of others make themselves more abundantly clear to us---things can shift dramatically inside ourselves---and not in a good way.  Why?  Because the realization that performance is being so tightly tied to general acceptance and unconditional "love" from family and/or friends ultimately feels like a massive betrayal, that's why!  

I just heard about two self-professing God-fearing women who had been bffs for decades.  Now they are estranged after 40 years of a close personal relationship.  Why?  Well, as it turned out, the one felt that she "gave" much more to her friend than she received back over the history of their relationship.  "I paid for the majority of her meals whenever we went out together because she's always had financial issues.."  "I invited her and her adult son over to our house for dinners and parties every time we hosted one.."  etc. etc.   The big breach came when this same woman found out that her bff invited a mutual friend to do something special one Saturday this past summer without thinking to invite her along also. "She KNOWS I've always wanted to do that and we never did it together.  But she asks our other friend and doesn't think to include me also?!"  Last I heard, they still weren't speaking and haven't seen each other since the summer in spite of so many mutual friends between them.

Well, if you haven't already guessed---these two friends were highly codependent with one another just sayin'.  When anyone feels obligated to think of someone else (or be the focus of someone else's thinking!) when planning social activities because of some inner "I owe her/him/them" and/or "He/She/They owe me" mentality...this is NOT good!  It's codependent!  Codependency is like that as a relationship-based lifestyle.  You owe me because....and/or I owe you because....  I am the taker today and you are the giver tomorrow.  I am the giver today and you are the taker tomorrow.  Really?  

Since when should a truly emotionally intimate relationship (as would be the case with close personal friends) be so utterly dependent on who gives what to whom and when on demand?  As shared in past posts, being addicted to or being the object of addiction for certain people in certain of our relationships is nothing short of idolatry folks!  Really do you want to spend your life "worshipping" certain others because you are seriously addicted to their approval, acceptance, and "love"?  Conversely, do you want to function as someone else's "g" word God so you can feel power, pleasure, and avoid certain personal responsibilities of your own?  If you claim to adhere to ANY faith-based persuasion...GET A CLUE!  "God" is not your best friend or YOU...or your spouse..or YOU...or your son...or YOU.  One of my favorite bumper stickers that made this point was one I saw on someone's bumper about 25 years ago:  "There IS a God...but He's NOT You!"  NO KIDDING!!

To trust or not to trust remains a personal choice.  And yet, when we feel our trust has been exploited one too many times...or breached in some cant-go-back kinda way, it IS up to us to do what's necessary to straighten things out!  If we don't, we just carry that stockpile of disappointment, hurt, and anger around inside ourselves---until it turns into resentment and then bitterness over the course of time.

..by the time we reach "bitter", we are basically done with whomever it is/was who initially merely disappointed us.  By the time we reach "dead"...how many relationships did we kill or let die because we were flaming codependents without a clue of our status in this regard?

If you need help, go get it!  Maybe you read a book from the library that "jumps" out at you in the self-help section.  Maybe you check out available support, self-help, or therapy groups online that are offered virtually or in person. Maybe you call that someone who you hurt...or who hurt you...and at least have an HONEST discussion about "what happened" so you can mutually understand the hurt between you!  Without the mutual understanding, there is no chance of recognizing, taking responsibility for, repenting from, and repairing the damage from "what happened here".

We always have options to get and be better.  Take them. 

Until next post...

  

Obsessive, Intrusive, Magical Thinking...

A young woman just wrote a book of this title.  Her name is Marianne Eloise.  When I saw the title of her book sitting on my local library's "new" bookshelf, I had to pick it up.  I am not going to say anything here about her book.  I am merely going encourage you to read it.  It is a first-hand account of what it is like to struggle with a "thought life" that is more agonizing than productive.  Obsessive Intrusive Magical Thinking by Marianne Eloise can be ordered from your local library (free service).

So, what about obsessive intrusive magical thinking?  What is it like to "think" that way?  

Imagine waking up this morning and that still small voice (or thought!) inside your head starts hammering away at you:  "Hello freak."  "Why are you here?"  "Kill yourself today and do the world a favor."  "Are you going to eat that for breakfast?"  "Are you really going to eat that you pig!"  "You obviously don't care if you are a fat freak eh?"  Am I being unduly negative?  No, not at all.   What voice/thought inside our own head is going to communicate messages such as "You are a GREAT human!"  "I am SO glad you exist!"  "Wow, what wonderful things you will accomplish today!"  Give me a break.  Ask anyone who has struggled with obsessive and intrusive thinking....and you will find that the messages coming out of one's own mind are primarily negative in nature!

That's the first thing to remember.  This is where the magical thinking comes in.  Depending on the person, magical thinking can also be primarily negative in nature (because it involves the combination of imagined fear plus worry combined!)...or positive.  Unfortunately, any "positive" thoughts will typically involve grandiose delusional beliefs that are not based in real life and right now reality.  Think Alex Jones.  Think Q-Anon.  Think anybody who believes they have it all "figured out" for the benefit of the rest of us.  Delusional beliefs still are fictional-based versions of reality after all!  Without evidence, without facts, it's all a bunch of bullsh**.

I know someone who is actively delusional (NOT a client past or present by the way!).  However, she is also bipolar and smokes a lot of weed on a daily basis.  She confabulates reality on a regular basis, which means she just makes stuff up and then expects everyone to believe her, because she said it.  As she is currently pushing 60 years old, she's had MANY years to define herself and her life based on her various and assorted delusions of grandeur.  She believes every man in her presence "wants" her sexually.  In truth, she presents like a step-up from a homeless person, unpleasant smells and all.  Delusions of grandeur are nobody's friend, but yet this is what we in our field refer to as "psychotic thinking", because it is!  

Others who struggle with this issue of a grandiose, confusing, and/or frightening thought life and who also abuse alcohol and/or other drugs in an attempt to tame the beast within their own minds?  That never works to create beneficial outcomes.  Period.   It only exacerbates the problem by creating "new" delusional beliefs and imagined catastrophic and/or grandiose fictional scenarios be them from the past, present, or future.  "Yes, I dated Angelina Jolie before she became famous.  She was my neighbor in France.."  Pfft!

I remember a client many years ago who saw me when she was obsessed by the way she had treated two kids she babysat as a teenager.  She was also, at that time, in her early 30s and her husband was pressuring her to start a family.  She came in to see me lamenting about how she "ruined" the lives of her former charges....and she was wondering if she should try looking for them to write a letter apologizing for her inappropriate behaviors.  When I eventually asked her for the details of "what happened" and exactly "who" these kids were and how she knew them....she went blank.  She literally could not remember their names, their ages at the time, where they lived in relation to her family home, or "what happened" other than she yelled at them a lot when they misbehaved in her presence.  Really?  Yes, really!

After working together for a while, it became apparent that this young woman needed help in breaking her own pattern of "I think it, therefore it is absoutely true."  So we did our work. Years later, she contacted me to report she had gotten divorced from her first husband and was currently married to someone and had two children with him.   She claimed to be free of her past obsessive and intrusive thinking.  I will never forget what she told me in regards to that.  She said "Maybe I just didn't want kids with my first husband but didn't know how else to stop it from happening."  I don't disagree.  We are capable of most anything when we don't know what else to do when we feel chronically "stuck" or "lost" in our own lives....

Until next post...