Holiday Time Stress...And What To Do About It!

The holiday season is one which often inspires a whole lot of discussion around the subject of stress management.  If you google "stress and the holidays", you will see just how many of us are or feel "stressed out" about this particular time of year.  It's a shame actually.  When you consider how Thanksgiving in our country is all about giving thanks for what God has blessed us with in life....and Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ....it seems a BIT ironic that "stress" would play such a huge role in most everyone's family gatherings.  Today's blog post is designed to help you manage your stress in ways you may have never before considered.....with tips that actually work!  The following are common questions I have been asked over the years about "coping with holiday stress"...and my answers to them. 

1.  "What do I do about the family member who always gets too drunk at our family gatherings?"

First, whomever is hosting the family party this year....give them a call and discuss beforehand what the "plan" will be to handle over-drinking before it occurs.  This "plan" may include the following: 

(a) do NOT keep the alcohol "out" during the party for anyone to grab and pour at will.  If you have all your booze out in the open and unmonitored, it is ripe for the picking and drinking without anyone being the wiser.  The host(s) of the party should figure out beforehand where the alcohol will be stored---and make certain it is NOT in an "easy" place to find.  Some clients of mine have stored their alcohol in the laundry room;  others, on the top shelf of their kitchen pantry.  In this way, none of the guests can accidently "stumble across" the wine, liquor, or beer that is "hiding" in your fridge or some other obvious storage space.

(b) Serve each drink by the glass to your guests.  If the host(s) are too busy to do this, then they can designate up to two NON-drinkers to serve and pour the alcohol.  Bonus strategy:  When the two designated "pourers" are also highly respected from among and between the party guests.

(c)  Offer other "non-alcoholic" options that are displayed openly for your guests to choose from.  Punch, sparkling water, unusual sodas or other soft drinks...you'd be amazed at what people are willing to "try" that they may have not tried before.  One client raved about how "Vitamin Water" went over so well at her family's holiday party---and she brought it to the party herself!

(d) When dessert is being served, the hosts can ask whether or not their guests prefer coffee, tea, cocoa, or some other "hot" non-alcoholic drink to accompany it.  Again, keep any alcohol out of sight...but openly display all your non-alcoholic options.

2.  "What do I do when someone at the table asks me an embarrassing question or makes a hurtful comment that I had no idea was coming...and is aimed directly at me?"

This isn't as hard to manage as you might think.  So many people are advised to mentally prepare for such comments, etc. etc. and then try to answer in an assertive manner.  Forget all that.  All you have to do is look the person in the eye and say something along these lines:

"That's a very interesting remark Auntie Sue.  What made you say that to me in this moment?"

or, if you prefer

"Wow!  Can you explain what you meant by saying that just now Auntie Sue?"

yet another option,

"What do you mean by that Auntie Sue?"

Inotherwords, DO NOT worry about anything you need to say or do in order to "defend" yourself.  Just ask the person who said or did the "offensive" thing to explain themselves!  Then the responsibility for explaining their MOTIVES for saying or doing what they did is ON THEM...and NOT YOU!  By following this strategy, you are also giving them a chance to back themselves up and not make a complete jerk out of themselves by saying or doing something "more" offensive to follow!

As an aside, you'll be amazed how much easier it is to just ask "why" in your way when someone says or does anything that immediately causes you to feel angry, confused, and/or fearful.  Once you get into this habit of asking "Why?"...it'll be MUCH easier to confront offenses anywhere else in your life and relationships as well!

3.  "What can our family do about the family members who are ALWAYS late to our family parties?  And not just by 10 or 15 minutes...but by 1 or 2 hours?!"

This is a common complaint among family members, because the chronically "late" individuals live by their own watch and no one else's generally speaking.  I have heard strategies clients have come up with to solve this problem with little success.  "I told them the party was an hour earlier than it really was and they STILL showed up an hour late!"  Things like that.  Here's my take on this issue:  You tell the "late-nicks" that the party will start exactly at such-and-such time...and dinner will be served exactly at such-and-such time as well.  If they are not at the house and sitting at the dinner table by your designated such-and-such time, you GO AHEAD AND SERVE DINNER WITHOUT THEM.  End of story.  Look at it this way:  people who are late for dinner don't really place the same importance on "food" and "eating together" as you or your other guests may.  So let them show up when they show up---but do NOT make everyone else suffer because you are waiting for the stragglers to show up!  NOT cool!

4.  "I have a dirty uncle who is always talking about sex or trying to tell dirty jokes at the dinner table and in front of my children, which I just can't take anymore.  What can I do?"

It's one thing to ask "What did you mean by that remark?" and another when what that remark means is obvious.  Unfortunately, sex addicts, sexual predators, and pedophiles can be present in any family system---regardless of who you are and who they think they are.  In these cases, a respected family member of the same sex can be encouaged to contact the "dirty uncle" (or whomever he or she may be!) and have a short but very clear conversation with them in advance of the party about "No sex talk!  No dirty jokes!  No grabbing!  No ogling!"  If no "respected family member" is willing to step up and have a chat with the offending party in advance of the event, maybe you, yourself can.  If you cannot...then you may want to re-think your attendance at the event where this offender will be and explain why to your host(s) in advance.  This is one of those times when the old adage, "Evil persists when good men do nothing." applies.   If a person like this is left free to be as sexually inappropriate as they want to be and under any circumstances (such as at Christmas dinner!)...maybe YOU need to think about why this has been allowed to go on for so long---and how you do NOT have to subject yourself (or your family!) to it anymore if you so choose!

5.  "I have relatives who come from out of state every year and basically just announce they are staying at our house for the weekend because it is the largest house in our family.  I don't want them staying here this year.  What can we do about it?"

Well...there's another saying that applies in this circumstance:  "We teach people how to treat us."  What have you been teaching these relatives of yours over the years about staying at your house...and why?  If you don't want them staying with you this year, then consider where "else" they could stay (hotel, motel in the area)...and who might be willing to chip in financially to help cover the cost(s) of their stay.  Once you get all that squared away, make the call and provide your relative(s) with the appropriate option(s) you and your family have come up with.  If your out-of-town relatives like to be in control (aka control freaks)...then be sure to offer them a few options as far as "where to stay" is concerned.  You may find that the only reason they stayed with you in the first place is because they viewed your place/your hospitality as on par with the local hotel---and liked it.  But since you don't want to be in the hotel business anymore, just plan the work and work the plan and you'll be fine!

6.  "What do I do when an argument literally happens over the dinner table?  And I don't mean just a difference of opinions....but a full-on yelling and screaming match?!"

Whomever represents the "head" of the family system is the one who would be on deck to put a stop to the madness.  "O.K.  That's enough!  We are here to celebrate and enjoy each other's company!  Time out and time to chill!"  (or something along these lines...)  If this doesn't do the trick, then someone needs to get up and escort each person into separate rooms to calm down.  Whomever does the escorting needs to be "close" to the person they are escorting out into another room...as they will have to function as the "voice of reason" to that person as they attempt to calm him or her down in the separate room.  When both parties are reunited in front of the family, each should be prepared to say "I'm sorry!" to one another and hug or handshake in front of everyone else. 

If the "head" of the family is one of the parties who is fighting...then his or her spouse should be the one who intially attempts to put a stop to the arguing...or whatever other person in the family is closest to him or her.
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The holidays are all about love, caring, sharing, peace, joy, harmony...and making "new" memories to hopefully last a lifetime.  Life really is too short and when family members refuse or forget to put on their long pants during this time of year---it can be stressful!  But now you know what to do when "the bad stuff can happen".  So go forth, make merry, and enjoy your stress-less holiday season!

Until we meet again...





 

Breathing Underwater

I haven't written about my uncle in a while;  he's now nearly 99 years old and has been living in the nursing home "section" of an area rehab facility since August of last year.  I have never written about my father in this blog;  he's now 94 years old and has been living with my actively addicted brother in a rental since forever.  My uncle and my father were never close as brother-in-laws throughout my childhood---though now they are about 50' apart from one another at an area hospital.  I asked my uncle yesterday if he wanted to get into a wheelchair to go and "visit" my father just round the corner from his room.  His immediate response was "No, no, no!"  I get it Uncle B.  No, no, no is just how I've been feeling too lately...

My father's story is one for the books.  His own father died when being operated on for a bullet wound in 1921.  My father was three years old at the time.  Raised in a small village outside of Sibenik, Croatia...my father's paternal grandfather returned to Croatia from the U.S.A. to "take care of" his daughter-in-law and her young family.  The only time my father discussed this with me was on a road trip we took when I was pregnant with my daughter (now nearly 27 years old!).  At that time, he told me that his grandfather used to beat him regularly.  I figured as much, since my father and mother both felt completely free to beat my brother and I regularly too as children.  But I digress....

My father also had a sister he never mentioned "ever".  She died at fourteen years of age (my father was ten years old at the time).  I found out about this aunt of mine from a cousin who now lives on the other side of the world in Australia.  She thinks our aunt died from consumption;  since my father has never spoken about her, I wonder if he knows something different.

When World War II began and my father was in his 20's, he left his village to join a resistence fighter group referred to as the "Chetniks".  During the Bosnian War of the 90s, the Chetniks were made famous for their terroristic activities against Croatians and Muslims.  During my childhood, I was raised on the notion that the "Chetniks" were God's army against communism and the dreaded "Ustasha" who slaughtered innocent Serbian Christians on Hitler's behalf during World War II.  To tell you the truth, I don't know what went down over there....but I do know what went down over here having my father as my father growing up.  And believe me, there were many times when I thought it would be better for me to have been living over there in Croatia than to be raised here in my father's house.

But I digress again...

By the time my father made his way over to Canada after World War II ended, he eventually met my mother at a dance in Windsor.  He was 36 and she was 26.  He proposed at her mother's funeral wake.  They had been dating only months by that time.  Since my mother's father was already dead, her only sister newly married, and her mother extremely abusive and "losing it" with each passing day...my mother said "Yes!"  And the rest is history...

There's a saying "Water finds its own level." when it comes to primary love relationships.  No crap.  My mother and father, each in their own way, contributed their legacies of extreme abuse and neglect to their newly-created roles and relationship as man and wife.  As my aunt put it not too long ago, "They just weren't meant for family life."  No crap Sherlock.  By the time I and my only brother arrived on the scene, my parents were already entrenched in their own private version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf?" mixed in with every other movie focused on extreme abuse, neglect, addiction, and denial.

And now here we are in 2012 and my father is dying.  When he grabbed my hand at the hospital yesterday, my overwhelming and initial feeling was that of fear and dread.  Some things never change.  But, by God's grace and mercy, the words that came out of my mouth never gave my gut feelings away.  I am suddenly reminded right now of the poem by Mother Theresa that talks about how "people" are and can be...and how we have to be "anyway" in spite of the slings and arrows others shoot at us.  For in the end, it is between them and God...and not them and us "anyway".  Don't get me wrong;  it was very difficult being there with him.  And it will be again today.  Yet I know I have to keep focused on what matters most---and for me that is ushering him before the throne of the Most High so he can make his peace with Him before it is literally and spiritually too late.

Yes, I wish our relationship (which never was!) would have been different.   I wish my father would have been the kind of man and father that our daughter could have known, and would have been safe knowing, and could have loved freely and openly as most grandchildren do with their grandfathers and grandmothers.  But sadly, it just was not meant to be.  For me....or for her.  Perhaps in the life that follows this one, things will be different.  I can only hope and pray that's the case.  In the meantime, I'm grateful for the skill I've been graced with of breathing underwater---for now...

Until next time...