Monday, September 15, 2014

Controlling Givers....

Most anyone who comes to see me eventually gets the low down about codependent relationships and how they can screw us up big time.  I've written about these types of relationships before:  bottom line is everyone is reduced down to either being a "giver" or a "taker" in their closest personal relationship(s).  Nobody is truly "equal" or viewed as being "equal" to one another;  everyone is an object and someone gets to be the boss more often than not in the relationship---and someone else gets to be the underling.  Whether you want to call it being a giver or being a taker...being a master or being a slave...it all boils down to nobody is treated equally because nobody is truly respecting one another's personhood, uniqueness, and freedom to make their OWN choices.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let's talk about controlling givers.  These are the codependent people who "need to be needed" in their close(est) personal relationship(s).  As a result, they seem to live for the purpose of giving.  The only problem is that these controlling givers have no clue why they seem to always feel hurt, lonely, angry, and guilty.  Like a vicious cycle, they can't figure out why they just aren't more peace-filled and happier people.  Part of the reason for this problem is that controlling givers don't fully understand "why" they are giving like a bat out of hell in the first place!  They don't yet consciously know that all they want from their relationships is ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, and LOVE from the people they give to.  Like all the time.  Like 24/7 if they could get it that often.  This is what controlling givers live for:  the acceptance, approval, and love of those they choose to give to.  Period.  So guess what happens when the controlling giver doesn't get "back" what they invested in those others they have chosen to give to?  They feel HURT!  They feel LONELY!  They feel ANGRY!  And they feel GUILTY (for perhaps not giving enough or giving "whatever" in quite the "right" way...) 

You see, controlling givers want to be able to receive back too.  They want to get as much as they give (if not more!) from those whom they "love" and "care about" and (of course!) GIVE TO on a regular basis!  You know that saying, "After all I've done for you..?!?!?!"  This is out of the mouth of every controlling giver out there:  "After all I've done for you THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!?!?"  Yep, that's how controlling givers think and are deep deep down inside.  In reality, our loved ones don't "owe" us crap just because we are addicted to this process of "needing to be needed" by whomever we've chosen in our life and time....

For the people who are subjected to all this "giving", the consequences are not pretty.  If you are giving to me because of your need to be needed by me...all that teaches me is that I can take from you and not have to "do" whatever it is I could otherwise do for myself.  It also teaches me that I'm stupid without you...or I can't make a decision without you...or I can't handle my own life without you. How is that a way that works for the ultimate good? It just doesn't.  Yet if I happen to be strong enough to refuse your indiscriminate "giving" to me and actually work on our relationship being more balanced and based on mutual equality, mutual respect, and mutual freedom to make choices.....then that's its own miracle. 

Unfortunately, it is just way too easy to take when what is being offered is literally "free" for the taking and appears to have no strings attached.  Yet all codependent and controlling giving has strings attached!  Didn't we learn that yet?  Burn this in your brain:  ALL controlling givers have an agenda attached to their giving---an agenda that benefits THEM more than it does US!   (They want YOUR acceptance, YOUR approval, and YOUR love at any cost...remember?!)  Probably the most tragic cases I see in therapy are the addicts who are adult children of controlling givers.  The message transmitted there by the controlling giver to his or her addicted adult child is this:  "So long as you NEVER leave me, it really is o.k. if you stay "sick".  OMG are you kidding me?  No, I am not!

I regret that kids aren't taught in school about the insidiousness of codependent relationships and this controlling giver dynamic that is part of it.  I haven't even touched on codependent takers yet and what they do and how they roll.  I'll save that for another blogpost.  Suffice it to say that controllling givers live in a world of frustration and anxiety over not getting what they EXPECTED for all the giving they do.  Which is not a good thing.

Controlling givers may look sweet and kind and "ready to serve" at a moment's notice.  But lurking beneath that surface is a person who expects way more from those they give to than they can even imagine or process mentally. 

We can practice overcoming this ugly bad habit in our thinking, in our feelings, and in our behaviors by merely practicing EQUALITY in the ways we view one another.  Nobody is better than you, but you are no better than anyone else either.  You do NOT have to think for me...and I do NOT have to think for you.  You do NOT have to give to me either, unless I ask you to and you agree to do it.  This giving giving and giving some more to the point of death (be it literal or figurative) serves NO useful purpose---ever.



 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Breaking Bad....Part II (Habits That Is)

"We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence, then, is not an act but a  habit."  - Aristotle

Last post, I presented the initial principles discussed in Joyce Meyer's newest book "Making Good Habits".  Beyond doing what is necessary to adopt the right attitude about work and how it can truly function as a friend rather than as an enemy, we also reviewed the attitude (and bad habit!) of procrastination.  Procrastination, by its very nature, is all about waiting.  So many of us spend our lives waiting for something to either happen or not happen.  Waiting as a habit only leads to time passing by and nothing "new" happening or changing for the better.  I can't tell you how many clients I have seen over the past decade who have been surprised by their own current status when asked about basic truths of their present reality.  "I guess I thought I could wait to have kids."  "I guess I thought I could wait to get married."  "I guess I thought I could wait before getting help about my drinking."  "I guess I thought I could wait to pay back the money I stole."

etc. etc. etc.

This is why procrastination is referred to as suicide on the installment plan.  Waiting for something "good" to happen by doing nothing at all---makes no sense at all.  Stop waiting and start doing.  Today is just as good a day to start working on "you" as any other.  Don't put it off. 

Next on our list of attitudinal changes, we need to concentrate on what it is we want and plan to do that is "good" as opposed to what it is that is being taken away from us and that we must "stop" doing.  For example, when I have clients who have had no previous or personal experience with drug or alcohol abuse, I am often asked, "What's the point of becoming an addict when all it does is ruin a person's life?"  My answer is always the same:  "Nobody starts on drugs or alcohol because it feels bad to them!" 

Anything we do that feels good is what we usually find ourselves wanting AND doing more of.  But as is true with alcohol and drug use and abuse, what starts out as a "good" thing can quickly end up becoming and being a very bad thing when the user is drinking and/or doing drugs in order to avoid withdrawal symptoms (feeling sick like a bad case of the flu).  Withdrawal symptoms can pop up anytime;  I remember a situation where an alcoholic female hadn't been able to drink her typical fifth of vodka within a 24 hour period because she was truly sick with a virus...and never woke up the next morning due to the seizure which killed her. 

Just like Amy Winehouse...just like Phillip Seymour Hoffman...just like so many others who forget that suddenly stopping or starting back up on their alcohol and/or drugs of choice can literally kill them fasterthanyoucanreadthis.  In these types of cases, focusing on what had to stop and/or be taken away ultimately led to lethal consequences.  Recovery, for these folks, truly represented a death sentence because it (recovery) was not ever perceived as a life sentence instead....

As much as we are creatures of habit, we are also creatures of reward.  Good habits actually generate rewards which go deeper than the surface.  This is yet another attitudinal change we need to adopt.  When we do the right thing for ourselves, we feel better about ourselves on a deeper level of existence.  Our self image improves in an appropriate way, our sense of value and worth as a person increases, and we feel more safe and secure.  Bad habits, as stated in my previous blog post, robs us of all of this and more.  To help us concentrate on what is good for us and doing it...as opposed to what is easy to do that may feel good for a time...we need the right help at the right time that is provided to us by the right people.

Meyer says that God and developing the God habit represents the beginning of receiving the right help at the right time as provided to us by Him---and who(m)ever He chooses to use and have minister to us.  Maybe these right people include those you already know and are close to...or maybe not.  When we embrace each day as an adventure in improvement rather than another day wasted, we are putting ourselves on the right path.  We are all works in progress, so long as we allow God to work within our hearts, minds, and spirits.

Today, in this very moment, you are as close to God as you want to be.  Whatever you plant in this regard you will eventually harvest.

It takes a minimum of three weeks (21 days) to make or break any habit.  Pick one habit that you know you want to change and focus on that for the next month.  Don't expect instant results.  Be prepared to be committed to this time frame of 21-30 days...and even longer if necessary.  Plan the work...then work the plan.  In the end, you'll be glad you did.

Joyce Meyer's latest book, "Making Good Habits Breaking Bad Habits" is available through your local library and/or book seller.