Letting go of whatever brand of dysfunction you live by begins with being and becoming AWARE of what you think, say, and do that is (to put it bluntly!) messed up. Next, you need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for what you think, say, and do that is messed up. How do you take responsibility? It's pretty easy; you begin by telling a trusted someone else about it. You may talk about "it" to one person---or one hundred persons. It doesn't really matter how often you do this---but it is certainly crucial to your own recovery process that you do!
When you've done these two things mentioned above...you have FACED your issues which is a good beginning. However, as I've stated before in past posts...everything that is faced doesn't necessarily change. Yet everything that changes is always faced. In order to start practicing and making the positive changes necessary to heal and "be better" as a person...the next and very important step has to do with adopting an "attitude of gratitude".
Some like to describe cultivating an attitude of gratitude as being "positive". Being positive is not the same as being thankful. I can be positively sure that you're an idiot; that's not the same as being thankful that you are in my life (even though you are an idiot) to teach me whatever it is I need to learn from you. See what I mean? Attitudes of gratitude will take you to places you may have never been before. And that's definitely a positive thing for you to learn and practice over the long run...
So...how do we begin with developing an attitude of gratitude in our own lives? I always point to nature as a first step. Even if you are not an "outdoors" person per se...you most certainly are outside at some point in your day or evening schedule. When you are outside, let yourself take a look around. What do you notice that you know you haven't let yourself "notice" before? What is it about nature/the out of doors that you like, appreciate...and are thankful for? For me personally, I happen to live close to a 16-mile scenic route that allows me to walk it...bike it...or drive along it and experience nature on both sides for a literal 16-mile stretch of roadway. However you find your "spots" and wherever they may be, stop and literally allow yourself to smell the roses---listen to the birds singing---and/or observe the river flowing. Whatever you know you appreciate and enjoy...these are the aspects of nature that you can also be grateful for...
Next, take a look at yourself. If you want to break it down, you can do so as follows: your physical self, your mental/emotional self, your social self, and your spiritual self. What is "good", in your own humble opinion of course, about each of these aspects of your personhood? Are you happy about being 5'10" tall? I know I am. I once was surrounded by a group of people at Nordstrom Rack's shoe department and couldn't believe I was the shortest person in this group! It made me feel somewhat claustrophobic! Grant it, I don't get too many days (or nights!) when I'm the shortest woman around in public---but that was the one time and experience when I was VERY grateful for my height! See what I mean? Allow yourself to go there; think about what you know you've been complimented about in the past (and present!)--and what you know you "like" about you! Can you sing? Do you play an instrument? Do you love listening to a particular genre of music? Again, whatever it is about "you" that is good---you can also practice being grateful for it!
Being grateful is also about allowing yourself to see the "bigger" picture in life's circumstances which may otherwise pose problems for you. For example, how can you be brave and practice brave "behavior" if you actively avoid circumstances where bravery is required? How can you demonstrate courage if you keep your mouth shut in response to whatever anyone says or does which is highly offensive to you? Are you getting my drift here? We ALL can learn good things from what we experience in our lives and relationships...when we allow ourselves to view them as learning opportunities! And that comes directly from adopting an attitude of gratitude versus thinkin' that's stinkin'! (Which by the way, thinkin' that is stinkin' comes VERY easily to all of us!)
It is also an attitude of gratitude that gets us through our hardest times in life. Even the darkest day is still only 24 hours long. That's the truth...as is the fact that no day is ever exactly the same twice. Isn't it better to finally receive for yourself what it takes to view any glass as half full as opposed to half empty? When we adopt attitudes of gratitude, we find that we do become more resilient---more hopeful---and more able to "cope" in a healthy way when life throws us those periodic and proverbial curve balls.
So consider being thankful as an important part of your journey to wholeness...
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
An Eminent Front...
The "Twilight Zone" was one of my favorite television shows as a young child growing up in the 60's. I probably watched every single episode ever created; however, there are only a few that have withstood the test of time and memory for me. One of these episodes had to do with an old man whose family was waiting for him to die. They were all holed up in the old man's mansion and included his middle-aged daughter, her husband, and their two adult children. In order for this family to inherit "everything" the old man had....he stipulated that they each must put on and wear a mask that he provided to them until the stroke of midnight. I remember at the time being quite shocked by the sight of the masks themselves. These were NOT your garden variety Halloween masks by any stretch of the imagination. Unbeknownst to me at the time, each mask represented one of the deadly sins of mankind. Dad got the mask depicting a prideful nature; mom received the mask of greed. Sunny boy's mask was all about sloth....and daughter's was pure vanity...
As midnight struck and the old man finally passed, the family was overjoyed at the thought of finally getting every penny of the old man's estate. They were also relieved to be finally free of their hot and uncomfortable masks. As the masks were removed one-by-one, the family's joy was suddenly overshadowed by shock and disbelief. Each of their faces had molded into a replica of the mask worn that evening....
Putting on an eminent front in order to cope with your life, your relationships, and the world around you is a lot like wearing a mask that you'll never be free of. The good news is that there IS a way to be free of whatever mask(s) you have worn throughout your life---and it begins with facing reality. How many times have I heard "I don't care about money", "..money has never mattered to me"..."I don't need things in order to be happy"...as I observe a client who makes Paris Hilton look like a refugee. That's an obvious example. Another not so obvious example is the client who keeps screaming about the "ex" who is a control freak---and yet won't eat anything else but "Whole Foods" produce, doesn't like to go anywhere with anyone unless she's driving, and has a significant problem with getting most anywhere on time.
Facing the reality of your life and what you do to "cover up" your flaws...your wounds...and your perceived damage is the first step in the healing process. Please remember, however, that everything that is faced doesn't necessarily change. To do that, you MUST take responsibility for what you do (and what masks you wear!) that feed the beast of staying stuck in your own unique brand of dysfunction. Once you take responsibility for what you say and do...or what you don't say and don't do...you'll be on the road to freeing yourself from your mask(s) once and for all. For in the end, everything that changes must always be faced. Without a mask on it that is....
As midnight struck and the old man finally passed, the family was overjoyed at the thought of finally getting every penny of the old man's estate. They were also relieved to be finally free of their hot and uncomfortable masks. As the masks were removed one-by-one, the family's joy was suddenly overshadowed by shock and disbelief. Each of their faces had molded into a replica of the mask worn that evening....
Putting on an eminent front in order to cope with your life, your relationships, and the world around you is a lot like wearing a mask that you'll never be free of. The good news is that there IS a way to be free of whatever mask(s) you have worn throughout your life---and it begins with facing reality. How many times have I heard "I don't care about money", "..money has never mattered to me"..."I don't need things in order to be happy"...as I observe a client who makes Paris Hilton look like a refugee. That's an obvious example. Another not so obvious example is the client who keeps screaming about the "ex" who is a control freak---and yet won't eat anything else but "Whole Foods" produce, doesn't like to go anywhere with anyone unless she's driving, and has a significant problem with getting most anywhere on time.
Facing the reality of your life and what you do to "cover up" your flaws...your wounds...and your perceived damage is the first step in the healing process. Please remember, however, that everything that is faced doesn't necessarily change. To do that, you MUST take responsibility for what you do (and what masks you wear!) that feed the beast of staying stuck in your own unique brand of dysfunction. Once you take responsibility for what you say and do...or what you don't say and don't do...you'll be on the road to freeing yourself from your mask(s) once and for all. For in the end, everything that changes must always be faced. Without a mask on it that is....
Friday, October 22, 2010
Welcome to my Blog + Book = Blook!
Hello and welcome to "Your Weekly Session". This blook is based on a blog I started over a year ago as a practicing psychotherapist and radio show co-host in the metro Detroit area. Our show, "Sunday Sessions", had been airing every Sunday for approximately 2-1/2 years on WJR Newstalk Radio 760AM. My co-host and good friend Dr. Gail Majcher and I were having a fantastic time edu-taining our listeners on all sorts of topics. We talked about everything from personality profiles to personality disorders...from abusive relationships to healthy lifestyles. It was a great gig. Unbeknownt to us, the gig couldn't and didn't last as long as we would have liked. By year end 2010, it was over. I am grateful to say that even now, nearly one year later, we still get calls and emails from former listeners who we sincerely appreciate. I figure that when the messages being put out there are designed to encourage, support, and inspire others to do what they need to do in order to "get" and "be" better...and they receive it....it's all good.
This blook is my attempt at keeping the messages going in a way that will help you, as the reader, address your (insert your specific personal problem, anxiety, mood, and/or personality disorder, addiction, codependent lifestyle, abusive/estranged/difficult relationship, et al) once and for all in a way that will facilitate authentic positive change, healing, and growth. In YOU that is. For you see, you can't "change" anybody else BUT you in the final analysis. Didn't you already know this? I hope so.
I stated in my very first post that "Earth is the psychiatric unit of the universe." If you don't believe this, I am going to encourage you right here and now to start questioning your own thinking. When you can think about your own thinking and realize how you are not the Grand Master (Flash or otherwise) on this planet we share...then you MAY be capable of improving the quality of your life and relationships over the long term. As my favorite bumper sticker so simply states, "God exists, but you're not Him!" Unfortunately, way WAY too many of us lack this "humility chip" which places us on equal footing with our fellow human beings and, as a result, causes us and others all sorts of drama, trauma, and crazy as time goes by.
Making positive changes, healing from past hurts, and growing in a brand new way as a person IS possible for anyone. Yet if you can't see past your own nose of reality (I think it, therefore it IS it!) and subsequently believe everyone else has to "change" first in order for you to be o.k.---well, what can I say. Don't buy this blook or even glance through it. You're better off with a drink, or a smoke, or whatever else it is you "do" to avoid facing reality.
So think about that...and for the rest of you, please enjoy reading this---your weekly session...
Mary DiPaolo, M.A., LLP
Northville, Michigan
Winter 2011
This blook is my attempt at keeping the messages going in a way that will help you, as the reader, address your (insert your specific personal problem, anxiety, mood, and/or personality disorder, addiction, codependent lifestyle, abusive/estranged/difficult relationship, et al) once and for all in a way that will facilitate authentic positive change, healing, and growth. In YOU that is. For you see, you can't "change" anybody else BUT you in the final analysis. Didn't you already know this? I hope so.
I stated in my very first post that "Earth is the psychiatric unit of the universe." If you don't believe this, I am going to encourage you right here and now to start questioning your own thinking. When you can think about your own thinking and realize how you are not the Grand Master (Flash or otherwise) on this planet we share...then you MAY be capable of improving the quality of your life and relationships over the long term. As my favorite bumper sticker so simply states, "God exists, but you're not Him!" Unfortunately, way WAY too many of us lack this "humility chip" which places us on equal footing with our fellow human beings and, as a result, causes us and others all sorts of drama, trauma, and crazy as time goes by.
Making positive changes, healing from past hurts, and growing in a brand new way as a person IS possible for anyone. Yet if you can't see past your own nose of reality (I think it, therefore it IS it!) and subsequently believe everyone else has to "change" first in order for you to be o.k.---well, what can I say. Don't buy this blook or even glance through it. You're better off with a drink, or a smoke, or whatever else it is you "do" to avoid facing reality.
So think about that...and for the rest of you, please enjoy reading this---your weekly session...
Mary DiPaolo, M.A., LLP
Northville, Michigan
Winter 2011
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Our Radio Show...
My friend and I have a radio show here in the metro Detroit area. It's been going on now for close to three years and is called "Sunday Sessions". We're on every Sunday evening from 9-10PM on WJR 760AM...and we're all about "edu-taining" our listeners on a variety of issues as two licensed psychotherapists.
Dr. Gail, my co-host, is a fully-licensed psychologist; I am a limited license psychologist. The difference between us is that she's been at this for MUCH longer than I have (psychotherapy) and she is a much kinder, gentler therapist (I believe!) than I know I am.
Maybe I'm being a bit rough on myself by saying that. I mean, I know how to be appropriately appropriate with my clients....but I also know how to rumble in the jungle when I have to. Maybe it is due in part to my training when I got to work both inside a womens' prison in our area...as well as in an in-house psychiatric unit at an area hospital. I witnessed quite a bit which taught me more than quite a bit. I remember the time one of the very low-functioning inmates had wrapped a paper clip so tightly around her ring finger, she cut off the circulation to that finger. I was assigned to escort her to the prison infirmary for treatment. On the way out of our unit and into the infirmary, this inmate suddenly started gesturing to someone she saw across the yard. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, but her behavior completely mystified me. She was someone who couldn't adequately manage her own personal hygiene on the unit each day (we call that ADL in psychology lingo...Activities of Daily Living)...but here she was signaling someone outside like her life depended on it. Turned out she wanted a cigarette...and got it...by the time we got inside the infirmary.
After she got that cigarette, I asked her something I had never asked her before. What I said was this: "If you can get a cigarette for yourself within 30 seconds of being let out of the unit, how is it that you can't wipe your own a** anytime you go to the bathroom?" She smiled. And she looked at me straight in the eye and replied, "Because I don't have to make it easy for anyone if I don't want to."
No sh** Sherlock. (That pun was intended there by the way!) So I learned something very valuable that day...as well as on all the other days when I was able to confront what I confronted head-on and without sugar-coating it too much.
I don't know where our radio show will lead us down the road; I'm hoping we will one day be able to help lots and lots of people to heal, change, and grow. And for the ones who enjoy raising hell because they can, I hope I can get to them. Outside of the prison or psych. unit setting of course....
Dr. Gail, my co-host, is a fully-licensed psychologist; I am a limited license psychologist. The difference between us is that she's been at this for MUCH longer than I have (psychotherapy) and she is a much kinder, gentler therapist (I believe!) than I know I am.
Maybe I'm being a bit rough on myself by saying that. I mean, I know how to be appropriately appropriate with my clients....but I also know how to rumble in the jungle when I have to. Maybe it is due in part to my training when I got to work both inside a womens' prison in our area...as well as in an in-house psychiatric unit at an area hospital. I witnessed quite a bit which taught me more than quite a bit. I remember the time one of the very low-functioning inmates had wrapped a paper clip so tightly around her ring finger, she cut off the circulation to that finger. I was assigned to escort her to the prison infirmary for treatment. On the way out of our unit and into the infirmary, this inmate suddenly started gesturing to someone she saw across the yard. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, but her behavior completely mystified me. She was someone who couldn't adequately manage her own personal hygiene on the unit each day (we call that ADL in psychology lingo...Activities of Daily Living)...but here she was signaling someone outside like her life depended on it. Turned out she wanted a cigarette...and got it...by the time we got inside the infirmary.
After she got that cigarette, I asked her something I had never asked her before. What I said was this: "If you can get a cigarette for yourself within 30 seconds of being let out of the unit, how is it that you can't wipe your own a** anytime you go to the bathroom?" She smiled. And she looked at me straight in the eye and replied, "Because I don't have to make it easy for anyone if I don't want to."
No sh** Sherlock. (That pun was intended there by the way!) So I learned something very valuable that day...as well as on all the other days when I was able to confront what I confronted head-on and without sugar-coating it too much.
I don't know where our radio show will lead us down the road; I'm hoping we will one day be able to help lots and lots of people to heal, change, and grow. And for the ones who enjoy raising hell because they can, I hope I can get to them. Outside of the prison or psych. unit setting of course....
Carnival....
Many years ago, Natalie Merchant (of 10,000 Maniacs fame) popularized a song entitled "Carnival". I had never heard of it...never heard her sing it...and would probably still be oblivious today had I not watched Current TV this morning. To make a long story short, when Aileen Wournos was executed back in the early 90's in Florida (you know, the first female serial killer in our country)...she requested that "Carnival" be played at her wake. If you haven't yet watched Nick Broomfield's documentary about Aileen, it's worth renting. Wournos grew up in Troy, Michigan...not so very far from where I am sitting right now. To say her childhood was a hot mess is another understatement of the universe. It is believed her biological grandfather was in reality her biological father; her mother took off within six months of Aileen's birth. Aileen's "on paper" father was a man who ended up killing himself in prison after being incarcerated for sex crimes against an eight-year old boy. And that was only the beginning of Aileen's story.
As the documentary ended and I saw that "Carnival" was the one song Aileen wanted others to hear at her wake...I ran upstairs to my office and listened to it in its entirety. I also read the lyrics. Nick Broomfield states to a group of reporters in the documentary how he believed Aileen was "mad" at the time of her execution. Based on the last interview he did with Aileen the day before she died, I would agree. She did in fact appear to be completely "mad".
But then there was the song "Carnival"....
"I've walked these streets
a virtual stage
it seemed to me
make up on their faces
actors take their places
next to me
I have walked these streets
in a carnival of sights to see
all the cheap thrill seekers
the vendors and the dealers
they crowded around me
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
inside myself
and my own mind
hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have seen?
I've walked these streets
in a spectacle of wealth and poverty
in the diamond markets
the scarlet welcome carpet
that they just rolled out for me
I've walked these streets
in the mad house asylum
they can be where a wild-eyed misfit prophet
on a traffic island stopped
and he raved of saving me
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
inside myself
and my own mind?
hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have seen?
have I been wrong?
have I been wise?
to shut my eyes
and play along?
hypnotized
paralyzed
by what my eyes have found?
by what my eyes have seen?
what have they seen?
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
have I been wrong?
have I been wise?
have I been strong?
have I been hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have found?
in that great street carnival
in that carnival?"
As the documentary ended and I saw that "Carnival" was the one song Aileen wanted others to hear at her wake...I ran upstairs to my office and listened to it in its entirety. I also read the lyrics. Nick Broomfield states to a group of reporters in the documentary how he believed Aileen was "mad" at the time of her execution. Based on the last interview he did with Aileen the day before she died, I would agree. She did in fact appear to be completely "mad".
But then there was the song "Carnival"....
"I've walked these streets
a virtual stage
it seemed to me
make up on their faces
actors take their places
next to me
I have walked these streets
in a carnival of sights to see
all the cheap thrill seekers
the vendors and the dealers
they crowded around me
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
inside myself
and my own mind
hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have seen?
I've walked these streets
in a spectacle of wealth and poverty
in the diamond markets
the scarlet welcome carpet
that they just rolled out for me
I've walked these streets
in the mad house asylum
they can be where a wild-eyed misfit prophet
on a traffic island stopped
and he raved of saving me
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
inside myself
and my own mind?
hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have seen?
have I been wrong?
have I been wise?
to shut my eyes
and play along?
hypnotized
paralyzed
by what my eyes have found?
by what my eyes have seen?
what have they seen?
have I been blind?
have I been lost?
have I been wrong?
have I been wise?
have I been strong?
have I been hypnotized
mesmerized
by what my eyes have found?
in that great street carnival
in that carnival?"
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Happiness is....
Wasn't it the Beatles who claimed it was a "warm gun"? Then again, I am notorious for having screwed up lyrics to many a song in my day. I remember when I thought a particular Alice Cooper song was entitled "Fire" only to find out several renditions later I should have been singing "Body". Which is not what my blog today is about. It's about happiness. What makes you truly happy? Can happiness be ultimately controlled like the weather or a series of conscious choices? There was a book several years ago entitled just that: "Happiness is a Choice". I beg to differ. If it was just a choice, we'd all be happy wouldn't we?
There is a book which recently came out entitled "Bluebird" written by Ariel Gore. Her book is all about women and the psychology of happiness. Reading this book has gone beyond blowing my hair back; it's knocked me off my chair it's so intense. I took it with me to the hospital THINKING I'd be reading something "light" post gallbladder surgery. This was not the case. I don't want to spoil it for the rest who haven't yet read this book...but if I could, I would make every woman in America read it beginning tomorrow. Yes, it's that good. Amazingly good. Beyond your wildest imagination good.
Sometimes we need to see the most difficult truths in the light of day in order to set ourselves free from bondages we don't even realize encircle us...and our lives. This book is like that. For example, did you know that during the Victoria era, the highest paid "nerve specialist" for women in this country made the equivalent of a million dollars each year ($60,000 at that time)? You'll never guess what treatment strategy he employed to treat his patients. I'm telling you, you will NEVER guess! Are you sitting down? He manually manipulated his clients' genitals to climax. I am not lying. As such, the prevading wisdom of that day was orgasm as a cure for virtually everything and anything that ailed women.
Things didn't get much better for women from there. To say women have been beaten down and kept down by our male-dominated culture over the course of time and history is the understatement of the universe. No, I am not a left of left-wing banner waving femi-nazi by any means. Yet I will say there are a LOT of men (beginning with Hippocrates) who owe women one HELL of an apology when it comes to NOT having understood us...or what makes us truly "happy". How sad is that? Very sad if you ask me...
The book is called "Bluebird" and has been written by Ariel Gore.
There is a book which recently came out entitled "Bluebird" written by Ariel Gore. Her book is all about women and the psychology of happiness. Reading this book has gone beyond blowing my hair back; it's knocked me off my chair it's so intense. I took it with me to the hospital THINKING I'd be reading something "light" post gallbladder surgery. This was not the case. I don't want to spoil it for the rest who haven't yet read this book...but if I could, I would make every woman in America read it beginning tomorrow. Yes, it's that good. Amazingly good. Beyond your wildest imagination good.
Sometimes we need to see the most difficult truths in the light of day in order to set ourselves free from bondages we don't even realize encircle us...and our lives. This book is like that. For example, did you know that during the Victoria era, the highest paid "nerve specialist" for women in this country made the equivalent of a million dollars each year ($60,000 at that time)? You'll never guess what treatment strategy he employed to treat his patients. I'm telling you, you will NEVER guess! Are you sitting down? He manually manipulated his clients' genitals to climax. I am not lying. As such, the prevading wisdom of that day was orgasm as a cure for virtually everything and anything that ailed women.
Things didn't get much better for women from there. To say women have been beaten down and kept down by our male-dominated culture over the course of time and history is the understatement of the universe. No, I am not a left of left-wing banner waving femi-nazi by any means. Yet I will say there are a LOT of men (beginning with Hippocrates) who owe women one HELL of an apology when it comes to NOT having understood us...or what makes us truly "happy". How sad is that? Very sad if you ask me...
The book is called "Bluebird" and has been written by Ariel Gore.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Lessons from Cousin Bette...
As I have been recouperating from my recent gallbladder surgery, I have been watching various DVDs rented from my local library. Among them was the "vintage" BBC version of Honore de Balzac's novel "Cousin Bette" featuring Helen Mirren. I had forgotten all about Balzac, let alone Cousin Bette and what it was about. After watching the series today and this evening, all I can say is "WOW!"
Lust greed and revenge. That's what Cousin Bette is all about. Big time. Cousin Bette is this old maid who lives by herself in a small dump somewhere in Paris. The time frame is the mid 1800's. She has a female cousin whom she was raised with; it is this cousin and her extended family that is the target of Bette's pent up resentements, bitterness, and rage. As the story progresses, the phrase "when will we ever learn" kept coming to mind. Everyone in the story has something or another which represents a major flaw in their character. Kind of like that Twilight Zone episode with the nasty masks. Bette's cousin's husband is a serial philanderer, as one example. Bette uses this to her full advantage in working to ruin him and his family over the course of time. Bette's cousin, on the other hand, is in la-la land with a capital "L". Sadly, after a short time, it becomes clear that everyone in this story is also all about money in one way or another. Except for Bette. She is not "just" about money; she's also about ruining the lives of those who "hurt" her. What a gal. Met her several times in my life already. When will we ever learn?
In the end, Bette even manages to maintain the facade of selfless giving in the eyes of those family members who have survived her. The cousin Bette has sought to specifically ruin so thoroughly speaks glowingly of Bette's virtues as if Bette were a candidate for sainthood. When Bette's cousin is herself dying, she finally issues her first (and last) reproach in life to her husband, who is half out the door anyway with his latest conquest.
All of this Cousin Bette stuff got me thinking almost too much. When will we ever learn? Probably never. But at least I'm going to keep saying what I see no matter what. That has to count for something...or I at least hope it does...
Lust greed and revenge. That's what Cousin Bette is all about. Big time. Cousin Bette is this old maid who lives by herself in a small dump somewhere in Paris. The time frame is the mid 1800's. She has a female cousin whom she was raised with; it is this cousin and her extended family that is the target of Bette's pent up resentements, bitterness, and rage. As the story progresses, the phrase "when will we ever learn" kept coming to mind. Everyone in the story has something or another which represents a major flaw in their character. Kind of like that Twilight Zone episode with the nasty masks. Bette's cousin's husband is a serial philanderer, as one example. Bette uses this to her full advantage in working to ruin him and his family over the course of time. Bette's cousin, on the other hand, is in la-la land with a capital "L". Sadly, after a short time, it becomes clear that everyone in this story is also all about money in one way or another. Except for Bette. She is not "just" about money; she's also about ruining the lives of those who "hurt" her. What a gal. Met her several times in my life already. When will we ever learn?
In the end, Bette even manages to maintain the facade of selfless giving in the eyes of those family members who have survived her. The cousin Bette has sought to specifically ruin so thoroughly speaks glowingly of Bette's virtues as if Bette were a candidate for sainthood. When Bette's cousin is herself dying, she finally issues her first (and last) reproach in life to her husband, who is half out the door anyway with his latest conquest.
All of this Cousin Bette stuff got me thinking almost too much. When will we ever learn? Probably never. But at least I'm going to keep saying what I see no matter what. That has to count for something...or I at least hope it does...
Friday, October 15, 2010
The Problem of Pain...
C. S. Lewis, the infamous Christian apologist, wrote a little book on this very issue. I have it somewhere. I know it's a really good book and has amazing things to say about the problem of pain. It's been a long time since I read it, but I seem to recall Lewis saying how pain can be used to motivate and inspire positive changes in one's life. I believe I have experienced this first hand through the emotionally painful experiences of my own past. Maybe this is what Lewis was talking about primarily in his book, because emotionally painful experiences are clearly very different than physically painful ones. For me personally, when it comes to physical pain, I'm not so sure there is anything "good" that comes out of it. Period.
For example, I remember when my left knee started acting up on me pretty regularly last year. I HATED it. I found every step I took to be difficult. I went to New York with a good friend last November and thought I would die from the pain associated with walking around Manhattan as we did. The "old" me could do a trip like that without stopping from 9:00AM - 11:00PM. When I found myself sitting in chairs at department stores in order to give myself a "break" from walking...I knew I was in trouble.
This past January I decided to start working out (again!) in ways that didn't stress my osteoarthritic left knee (which is what the "real" problem was/is with that knee). So I rode a stationery bike...mile after mile...and although my knee felt "better" after each workout...it didn't resolve the problem. My knee still hurts. It looks like it will continue to hurt until I obtain some sort of surgical intervention between now and the day when whatever it is inside my left knee is either cleaned up, scraped out, or replaced.
But I digress. Just the other day I had my gallbladder removed. I didn't think it would be that big of an issue "pain" wise, as I was told by many of my friends that it's "no big deal" and "you'll be fine in a few days" following surgery. And it wasn't anything I thought about at all...until I woke up from surgery. All I can tell you is that being stabbed four times in the stomach area hurts a lot. So much in fact that it was only "fentanyl" which took away the physical pain I was experiencing post surgery. Morphine didn't work (talk about a jagermeister/bull mental moment!)...my pain was very much still there, but I was also extremely tired too (?!)...this was NOT the net feeling I was hoping for. There was also talk of trying vicodin on me, but my surgeon insisted I wear a heart monitor if this was going to happen. I opted against the vicodin. In the end, something called tordol worked well enough (from what I understand, it's like "super alleve" via IV drip). I was ultimately released after spending the night at the hospital...having learned all about what does and does NOT do it for me to best manage my own physical pain post surgery.
I don't think I learned anything "good" as a result of this most recent experience with physical pain. I don't think I'm more patient or kinder or gentler as a result. Maybe if the surgeon and nurses had yelled at me or called me names I would have been able to stretch and grow myself in a positive way. But when it came to the physical distress and discomfort I experienced (and still am as I recover), I'm not so sure that the "problem of pain", when it consists of purely "physical" pain that is, is anything that I can be or am inspired by. Physical pain sucks. And I don't like it. And if I ever experience it again to the extent I did the other day, bring on the fentanyl. In large doses. Please.
For example, I remember when my left knee started acting up on me pretty regularly last year. I HATED it. I found every step I took to be difficult. I went to New York with a good friend last November and thought I would die from the pain associated with walking around Manhattan as we did. The "old" me could do a trip like that without stopping from 9:00AM - 11:00PM. When I found myself sitting in chairs at department stores in order to give myself a "break" from walking...I knew I was in trouble.
This past January I decided to start working out (again!) in ways that didn't stress my osteoarthritic left knee (which is what the "real" problem was/is with that knee). So I rode a stationery bike...mile after mile...and although my knee felt "better" after each workout...it didn't resolve the problem. My knee still hurts. It looks like it will continue to hurt until I obtain some sort of surgical intervention between now and the day when whatever it is inside my left knee is either cleaned up, scraped out, or replaced.
But I digress. Just the other day I had my gallbladder removed. I didn't think it would be that big of an issue "pain" wise, as I was told by many of my friends that it's "no big deal" and "you'll be fine in a few days" following surgery. And it wasn't anything I thought about at all...until I woke up from surgery. All I can tell you is that being stabbed four times in the stomach area hurts a lot. So much in fact that it was only "fentanyl" which took away the physical pain I was experiencing post surgery. Morphine didn't work (talk about a jagermeister/bull mental moment!)...my pain was very much still there, but I was also extremely tired too (?!)...this was NOT the net feeling I was hoping for. There was also talk of trying vicodin on me, but my surgeon insisted I wear a heart monitor if this was going to happen. I opted against the vicodin. In the end, something called tordol worked well enough (from what I understand, it's like "super alleve" via IV drip). I was ultimately released after spending the night at the hospital...having learned all about what does and does NOT do it for me to best manage my own physical pain post surgery.
I don't think I learned anything "good" as a result of this most recent experience with physical pain. I don't think I'm more patient or kinder or gentler as a result. Maybe if the surgeon and nurses had yelled at me or called me names I would have been able to stretch and grow myself in a positive way. But when it came to the physical distress and discomfort I experienced (and still am as I recover), I'm not so sure that the "problem of pain", when it consists of purely "physical" pain that is, is anything that I can be or am inspired by. Physical pain sucks. And I don't like it. And if I ever experience it again to the extent I did the other day, bring on the fentanyl. In large doses. Please.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Repetition Compulsion...
When it comes to this subject, people often think of substance or process addictions rather than relationship dynamics. Please allow me to explain. It's easy to imagine a person with a drinking or drug problem as having "repetition compulsion" when each time the stress of life gets to be too much, it's time for a drink/smoke/snort/pill. The repetition compulsion may also be undestood as that need to "go shopping", "go gambling", or "go out and party"...which represents process addiction issues.
However, rarely do we view the repetition compulsion as anything to do with the hell we put ourselves (and others!) through in our important relationships. After all, most of us want to believe that we are "unique" and that we aren't simply repeating what we saw/lived through/experienced in the past. Yet, sadly, that's exactly what the majority of us do: we repeat the same bad behaviors we learned growing up without wanting to see it with our own eyes.
Let me explain. Sue was an old friend of mine who knew something was "wrong" with her mother from the very beginning and said so. Sue wasn't sure if her mother had a mood disorder...or if she was just a mean person generally speaking. All Sue knew was that her mother would "go crazy" and "do crazy things" every so often as Sue was growing up. Like the time her mother just took off without telling anyone for several days. Or the time Sue found her slumped over like a rag doll on the couch after school. Sue's father wasn't around much because he was "working"...but Sue sensed she wouldn't want to be around much either if she was in his shoes.
Flash forward to Sue 15 years and two kids later into her own marriage. Suddenly, Sue finds herself feeling like she wants to jump out of her skin most days. She doesn't go to the doctor to talk about this issue; she instead focuses on her "stiff neck" and manages to score some Vicodin through a friend. Before Sue realizes it, she can pop six Vicodin a day and get through those days just fiiiinnnnnneeeeee. Her neck doesn't hurt anymore, but her kids sure are driving her crazy. And where is her husband anyway? He works WAY too much! Instead of taking off for days on end, Sue decided to look up some old friends from childhood one night on Facebook. She finds them. She especially finds one who used to be an old flame. Score! Before you can say "Shazam!", Sue is filing for divorce. She had to. She remembers how her mother threatened to divorce Sue's dad 10,000 times during the last 40 years of their marriage. Sue was no dummy. She's not going to the make the same mistakes her mother did. Of course not. Sue is different. Sue would NEVER repeat the same stupid choices her mother made. Or would she...???
You decide...
However, rarely do we view the repetition compulsion as anything to do with the hell we put ourselves (and others!) through in our important relationships. After all, most of us want to believe that we are "unique" and that we aren't simply repeating what we saw/lived through/experienced in the past. Yet, sadly, that's exactly what the majority of us do: we repeat the same bad behaviors we learned growing up without wanting to see it with our own eyes.
Let me explain. Sue was an old friend of mine who knew something was "wrong" with her mother from the very beginning and said so. Sue wasn't sure if her mother had a mood disorder...or if she was just a mean person generally speaking. All Sue knew was that her mother would "go crazy" and "do crazy things" every so often as Sue was growing up. Like the time her mother just took off without telling anyone for several days. Or the time Sue found her slumped over like a rag doll on the couch after school. Sue's father wasn't around much because he was "working"...but Sue sensed she wouldn't want to be around much either if she was in his shoes.
Flash forward to Sue 15 years and two kids later into her own marriage. Suddenly, Sue finds herself feeling like she wants to jump out of her skin most days. She doesn't go to the doctor to talk about this issue; she instead focuses on her "stiff neck" and manages to score some Vicodin through a friend. Before Sue realizes it, she can pop six Vicodin a day and get through those days just fiiiinnnnnneeeeee. Her neck doesn't hurt anymore, but her kids sure are driving her crazy. And where is her husband anyway? He works WAY too much! Instead of taking off for days on end, Sue decided to look up some old friends from childhood one night on Facebook. She finds them. She especially finds one who used to be an old flame. Score! Before you can say "Shazam!", Sue is filing for divorce. She had to. She remembers how her mother threatened to divorce Sue's dad 10,000 times during the last 40 years of their marriage. Sue was no dummy. She's not going to the make the same mistakes her mother did. Of course not. Sue is different. Sue would NEVER repeat the same stupid choices her mother made. Or would she...???
You decide...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Our Heart's Desire...
Very recently, a young couple I know quite well decided to call it quits. To put it bluntly, she wanted a "ring and a date" while he wanted a "bang and a beer". Clearly, they were not on the same page. Tragically, they had been together long enough to combine their households, create a new one together, and start a family...
Even though I am old enough to understand many things...I still don't understand why so many couples completely ignore the obvious when it comes to identifying, expressing, and attaining their "heart's desire". I've seen people lie through their teeth to one another about "it" (their heart's desire)...I've seen people ignore "it" completely and just adopt their beloved's "it" as their own...I've seen all kinds of ridiculous twists and turns on this theme. And I can't help but wonder why?
How "scarey" is it REALLY to just say what you mean and mean what you say when it comes to identifying what you want (your "heart's desire" in this case) to a potential life partner? I can remember when I had a friend at age 18 who kept telling me (and everyone else she could spend more than 10 minutes with) how much she wanted to be "married". All she wanted was a husband and a family. That was it. That was her heart's desire. Well---at least she was being forthright and honest about it! Yet when she "met" a potential candidate to fill the slot---she NEVER articulated to him that this was her dream. Not at all. Eventually, they did get married---but when he stood his ground about the "kids" issue (he wanted none)...that's what broke them up for real and for sure. Geez...seems to me they could have saved themselves a lot of grief if she had just been open and honest with him from the beginning...but she wasn't.
I recall another friend who kept saying "When I get married, I'm going to treat my wife like gold and give her 5 carat diamond ring and treat our kids like the people they are and never ignore them or make them do just what I want..." Yadda yadda yadda. Well, it all sounded good...but he went through about fifteen "important" relationships before he "found" his ideal mate when he was 45 years old and she was 23. She never did get a diamond ring either...let alone a 5 carat. She was with him for 8 years before he ditched her for the woman he ultimately did marry. By then, they were both too old to have children....so "who knows" at what point his heart's desire actually changed---if it ever did in the first place.
Being real isn't always easy...but it's the only way to go. The Velveteen Rabbit knew this...why is it as people we have such a hard time with this principle ourselves?
Think about that this week as you ponder your "heart's desire"....
Even though I am old enough to understand many things...I still don't understand why so many couples completely ignore the obvious when it comes to identifying, expressing, and attaining their "heart's desire". I've seen people lie through their teeth to one another about "it" (their heart's desire)...I've seen people ignore "it" completely and just adopt their beloved's "it" as their own...I've seen all kinds of ridiculous twists and turns on this theme. And I can't help but wonder why?
How "scarey" is it REALLY to just say what you mean and mean what you say when it comes to identifying what you want (your "heart's desire" in this case) to a potential life partner? I can remember when I had a friend at age 18 who kept telling me (and everyone else she could spend more than 10 minutes with) how much she wanted to be "married". All she wanted was a husband and a family. That was it. That was her heart's desire. Well---at least she was being forthright and honest about it! Yet when she "met" a potential candidate to fill the slot---she NEVER articulated to him that this was her dream. Not at all. Eventually, they did get married---but when he stood his ground about the "kids" issue (he wanted none)...that's what broke them up for real and for sure. Geez...seems to me they could have saved themselves a lot of grief if she had just been open and honest with him from the beginning...but she wasn't.
I recall another friend who kept saying "When I get married, I'm going to treat my wife like gold and give her 5 carat diamond ring and treat our kids like the people they are and never ignore them or make them do just what I want..." Yadda yadda yadda. Well, it all sounded good...but he went through about fifteen "important" relationships before he "found" his ideal mate when he was 45 years old and she was 23. She never did get a diamond ring either...let alone a 5 carat. She was with him for 8 years before he ditched her for the woman he ultimately did marry. By then, they were both too old to have children....so "who knows" at what point his heart's desire actually changed---if it ever did in the first place.
Being real isn't always easy...but it's the only way to go. The Velveteen Rabbit knew this...why is it as people we have such a hard time with this principle ourselves?
Think about that this week as you ponder your "heart's desire"....
Monday, October 4, 2010
Eat or Be Eaten...
The first recorded case of domestic violence leading to death in the Bible involved two brothers. Funny isn't it? Not in a "haha" kind of way...but in the fact that it didn't involve a boyfriend and girlfriend..or a husband and wife...or even a parent and child (as we are so used to hearing and reading about these days). If you are unfamiliar with the story of Cain and Abel....let's just say that Cain was very jealous of the "relationship" he perceived his brother Abel to have with God. Instead of handling his emotional pain in an appropriate way, Cain decided to kill Abel with a rock to the head instead. And we all went downhill from there....
In Hindu culture, domestic violence gets even more dramatic coverage. One of the hindu gods is Ganesh. He started out as a boy who his mother Pavarti birthed in order to guard the door to her apartments. Her husband was Lord Shiva, the hindu god of death and destruction (this isn't looking good you know that right?) who was away at a war. As Ganesh stood guard for his mother, Lord Shiva returned. Ganesh wouldn't let him into his mother's apartments as per her instructions. Lord Shiva was so enraged by Ganesh's impudence, he pulled out his sword and cut off Ganesh's head.
Pavarti emerged to find her son decapitated and herself flew into a rage. Even though he was immensely powerful, Shiva was upset by Pavarti's rage. He swore to make amends by taking the head of the first living thing he found to replace Ganesh's head. The first animal he came across was an elephant. Accordingly, he took the head from the elephant and put it on Ganesh's body. Thus, the hindu god Ganesh is depicted with an elephant head...and human body.
Eat or be eaten. For every abuser, this is one of several core beliefs they adopt as absolutely true in order to "end" any significant conflict they perceive themselves to be...or actually may be...involved in. Instead of viewing any real or imagined problem(s) as solveable, resolveable, or dissolveable...everything rapidly boils down to an "eat or be eaten" mentality. Talk about a hard way to live and function in relationships! "Honey, would you like to watch the football game with me today?" "WHAT YOU $*))@# *$))@( DOYOU THINK I HAVE ALL $*)O# DAY TO WATCH THE $*)# TELEVISION?!" See what I mean? Eat or be eaten.
In the biz of psychology, we often refer to this problem with being "fast to heat up and slow to cool down" as emotional DYSregulation. That's the nice way of putting it. In layman's terms, it's called being abusive and not taking responsibility for it.
Abuse comes in many forms....not all of them "obviously" abusive either which can complicate matters. This is especially true with sexual abusers. Many live and function under the core belief that they are benevolent
"teachers" who are teaching their victims about "love" and/or "the ways of the world" as it relates to sex. Now try adding the extra added dimension of this form of abuse being carried on down through the generations! The father who takes his preteen daughter to R-rated movies without batting an eye. The grandparent who "tickles" a baby grandchild with their tongue. The teenage cousin who uses his younger cousin as "practice" for his future sexual encounters. The ten year old who hears her mom moaning in the bedroom with two men after just meeting them for the first time last night!
Abuse is never o.k. You can minimize it...you can defend it...and you can even try to ignore it. But when you find yourself still suffering no matter how many times you have hurt someone else...or have been hurt by someone else....you are behaving literally and figuratively "insane". Stop the insanity today and call 1-800-799-SAFE.
In Hindu culture, domestic violence gets even more dramatic coverage. One of the hindu gods is Ganesh. He started out as a boy who his mother Pavarti birthed in order to guard the door to her apartments. Her husband was Lord Shiva, the hindu god of death and destruction (this isn't looking good you know that right?) who was away at a war. As Ganesh stood guard for his mother, Lord Shiva returned. Ganesh wouldn't let him into his mother's apartments as per her instructions. Lord Shiva was so enraged by Ganesh's impudence, he pulled out his sword and cut off Ganesh's head.
Pavarti emerged to find her son decapitated and herself flew into a rage. Even though he was immensely powerful, Shiva was upset by Pavarti's rage. He swore to make amends by taking the head of the first living thing he found to replace Ganesh's head. The first animal he came across was an elephant. Accordingly, he took the head from the elephant and put it on Ganesh's body. Thus, the hindu god Ganesh is depicted with an elephant head...and human body.
Eat or be eaten. For every abuser, this is one of several core beliefs they adopt as absolutely true in order to "end" any significant conflict they perceive themselves to be...or actually may be...involved in. Instead of viewing any real or imagined problem(s) as solveable, resolveable, or dissolveable...everything rapidly boils down to an "eat or be eaten" mentality. Talk about a hard way to live and function in relationships! "Honey, would you like to watch the football game with me today?" "WHAT YOU $*))@# *$))@( DOYOU THINK I HAVE ALL $*)O# DAY TO WATCH THE $*)# TELEVISION?!" See what I mean? Eat or be eaten.
In the biz of psychology, we often refer to this problem with being "fast to heat up and slow to cool down" as emotional DYSregulation. That's the nice way of putting it. In layman's terms, it's called being abusive and not taking responsibility for it.
Abuse comes in many forms....not all of them "obviously" abusive either which can complicate matters. This is especially true with sexual abusers. Many live and function under the core belief that they are benevolent
"teachers" who are teaching their victims about "love" and/or "the ways of the world" as it relates to sex. Now try adding the extra added dimension of this form of abuse being carried on down through the generations! The father who takes his preteen daughter to R-rated movies without batting an eye. The grandparent who "tickles" a baby grandchild with their tongue. The teenage cousin who uses his younger cousin as "practice" for his future sexual encounters. The ten year old who hears her mom moaning in the bedroom with two men after just meeting them for the first time last night!
Abuse is never o.k. You can minimize it...you can defend it...and you can even try to ignore it. But when you find yourself still suffering no matter how many times you have hurt someone else...or have been hurt by someone else....you are behaving literally and figuratively "insane". Stop the insanity today and call 1-800-799-SAFE.
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