Tuesday, August 28, 2012

"You Owe Me and I Owe You!" Thinking. Really?!

After my last two posts about fantasy vs. reality...I had a thought.  What about all this "You owe me!" and/or "I owe you!" thinking that I know I've seen run rampant across all sorts of relationships in recent memory...

Think about it.  Who do you know who treats you like you "owe" them whatever they ask of you?  Anyone pop immediately into mind?  Why do you think they treat you this way?  Whatever happened in their lives or between the two of you over time and history to cause this type of assumption towards you?  What "do" you owe them exactly?  Your loyalty?  Your time?  Your money?  Your affection?  Your admiration?  I have no idea.  Maybe you don't either.  But whatever is going on there, don't you think that being in a relationship with ANYONE who treats you as if you OWE them is pretty darn dysfunctional?!?!  I'm just askin....

Of course, I can flip the script just as easily.  Who do you treat as if they owe you?  Anyone pop immediately into mind now?  Why do you think you treat them this way?  Whatever happened in your life or between the two of you over time and history to cause this type of assumption on your part towards them?  What "do" they owe you exactly?  Their loyalty?  Their time?  Their money?  etc. etc. etc. 

This "I owe you" and "You owe me" mentality is more commonplace than anyone would care to admit.  If it weren't true, everyone would truly pull their own weight in this life and have what they have purely due to their OWN efforts!  Think about that for at least a little while please.  I said in a post long ago, "You don't become comfortable serving others by becoming comfortable with being served by others."  This is so true.  When you get what you don't truly deserve by anyone, it is very easy to treat that person (or anyone else for that mater!) as someone who "owes" you things.  Yet they don't.  Just like you don't "owe" anyone anything either just because "they" say or think that way.

In reality, whatever you do that is "good" for someone else SHOULD be based on your desire to WANT to do good for that person, in that particular circumstance, and nothing more.  Not that they will now "owe" you back....not that they will "owe" you for life as a result.  Giving without expectation is an expression for a reason.  Don't expect when you give.  Just give because you want to and that's it.  Then you'll be good.

The problem is that too many of us DO expect "payback" for whatever it is we do good for someone else.  We want their time..we want their love...we want their acceptance and approval.  We want to be viewed as "all good" in the minds of those we give to.  Spare me.  Is that because when you do something wrong or hurtful, it's not supposed to count against you?!  No, relationships weren't designed to function in this way.  Though we do this all the time to each other.  Yet another example of the codependent lifestyle gone amuck!

My aunt is a great example of the "You owe me" mentality at work.  She's old and I get that.  She's 88 as a matter of fact and she doesn't drive.  Yet when she calls me, she really does behave as if she's the Queen of England and I'm some serf fortunate enough to have been "selected" by her to do her bidding that day.  Really?  No.  When I am not available to drive down to her neck of the woods and do whatever it is she is expecting, she often is surprised and taken aback by my lack of cooperation.  "Well, what am I supposed to do now?!" she often has asked.  And, as I have often responded, "Call a cab, that's what." 

It takes practice and patience to come out of an "I owe you" and/or "You owe me" lifestyle.  It really does.  Biblically speaking, we are called to help each other when someone experiences an "extraordinary burden" as would be the case during a sudden illness, calamity, or death.  But we are NOT called to help each other carry one another's own "knapsack" of everyday responsibilities.  I was not put on earth to brush your teeth for you or comb your hair...or go to work for you.  You were meant to do all those things yourself.  Unfortunately for way too many of us, we want help with our everyday "knapsacks" of responsibility...and yet ask for NO help when we actually do suffer extraordinary burdens.  Go figure.  What a messed up bunch of humanity we all are, aren't we?

So the next time you come across someone treating you like you "owe"them...why don't you stop and ask the following:  "That was an interesting remark.  Felt like you were saying I owe you that.  Can you explain to me why?"

And if you find yourself expecting someone else to "do" for you because you think they owe you something...give me a call instead.  At the very least, I owe you a reality check!







 

Fantasy vs. Reality: Fred & Edie

I just finished a post about how fantasy can ruin a person's reality.  I was inspired by a movie I watched just the other night entitled "Another Life".  Produced by the BBC, it tells the real-life story of Frederick Bywaters and Edith Thompson.  Both executed on the same day in 1923, Fred and Edie were a tragic couple whose respective fantasies caused not only the death of Edie's husband...but Edie's execution as well.

I am reminded of the saying "Everything in moderation" when I think of how much Edie liked to read and fantasize about her own future.  A voracious reader, Edie used that era's equivalent of graphic novels (Think "Fifty Shades of Gray" here ladies!) to drive and fuel her desire for a life of hot sex, an adoring and devoted man, and one adventure after another.  (Or should I say an adoring and devoted man, hot sex, and one adventure after another! LOL!)

Given that Edie (in real life) made more money working than both her husband and father, she was nobody's "b" if you catch my drift.  Free-thinking, free-spirited, and fantasy-driven...Edie really did want it all.  As her husband realized this, he became more sullen and controlling towards Edie.  Before that, it was clear that he "adored" Edie and was devoted to her as best as he knew how---however woefully lacking that adoration and devotion manifested itself in their bedroom.  The rest is pretty predictable;  Edie felt she was being "used" by her husband to satisfy only himself sexually.  Edie felt she was stuck with a socially awkward and intellectually inferior life partner.  Edit needed a change.  And when he happend to come by in the form of twenty year-old Frederick Bywaters, Edie was ready.

Fred was nine years younger than Edie and an old friend of her youngest brother.  Once the connection was made, Fred and Edie threw caution to the wind in spite of Fred dating Edie's younger sister at the same time.  The lovers were eventually caught by Mr. Edie and Fred took off on the next ship for what turned out to be a year.

Here is where the story gets twisted.  Over the course of that year, Edie send Fred approximately 60 "love" letters.  These letters spoke often of wanting Mr. Edie "gone" and how much happier Edie would be without him if and when Fred returned.  I read those letters.  They sounded like the musings of a self-absorbed teenager (Edie was 28 at the time).  Even though ADHD was nowhere near being a legitimate mental health diagnosis back then, ADHD was written all over those letters.  Edie jumps from one topic to another like a jack rabbit.  She might as well, in my opinion, been writing in a diary as her actual references to Fred and anything he may have previously written her were few and far between.  In short, Edie was a flaming narcissist with ADHD and a twist of sex addiction on top of her fantasy-driving thinking.

Fred, on the other hand, was an angry young man who felt he kept drawing the short straw in life.  Mr. Edie didn't even have to serve in the Great War as he had "heart trouble".  Fred, on the other hand, was stuck in the merchant marine and being forced to lead a hand-to-mouth existence while the object of his desire was making more money selling hats than any man he knew!  As he read Edie's letters, he took her fantasy-driven musings literally.  He needed to get rid of Mr. Edie.  Somehow and in some way, he needed to make it all "better" for himself by removing that fly in his own ointment. 

When Fred returned on leave, he followed the couple as they were returning from a play.  He jumped Mr. Edie and stabbed him to death.  Edie herself was shocked and distraught as she saw it was Fred who had stabbed her husband.  When Edie's letters were discovered after going through Fred's belongings after his arrest...the courts determined that she had "planned" Mr. Edie's death along with Fred.  Nothing in the letters indicated this to me as I read them.  If anything, they indicated how immature Edie was to get caught up in a love affair with someone who was equally immature but in a very different way.

When Fred and Edie were hanged on the same day in 1923, it was determined that she must have been pregnant at the time of her death.  (I'm sparing you the details there.)  As such, Edith Thompson's death was fuel for the anti-capital punishment movement throughout England and the world at that time.

In my own opinion, this case should have been fuel for every word ever said or written which leads anyone to believe that they deserve something for nothing.  That merit and/or favor is a right and not a gift (or a curse!).  That getting what one wants is always "good" no matter how much reality shows otherwise. 

Fantasy versus reality.  I guess it's just one of those realities we will all struggle with for as long as we are here on earth to struggle with it....

 

When Fantasy Ruins Reality...

Fantasy is supposed to be the stuff of fairy tales.  At least that is the way it was back when I was a kid.  I can remember my mother telling me how my grandmother (her mother) was treated like "Cinderella" by the in-laws when she was stuck living with them back in Croatia for the first 13 years of her marriage to my grandfather.  My grandfather, mind you, was not there with her;  he was globe-trotting as part of his attempt at full-time employment.  Until I read about Cinderella on my own, I had no idea who my mother was talking about.  Needless to say, the story of Cinderella had a huge impact on my life as a kid because I actually knew of someone from my very own family who lived a life like hers.

Then Snow White came along.  I did see "Mirror Mirror" by the way at the show earlier this year.  I also was obsessed with her story going as far back as third grade.  At that time, I asked our teacher if our class could produce the play at our school.  I don't know how we managed, but the next thing I knew I was up on stage playing the Wicked Queen wearing one of my mother's long black dresses.  Even then I knew that being wicked had its perks;  who wanted to be Snow White anyway when you were the tallest, heaviest, and loudest kid in class to begin with?

The older I got, the more I realized how often and how much I "liked" incorporating fantasy (and fantasy thinking especially!) into my day-to-day life.  When everyone else had a boyfriend in middle school, so did I!  Not in "real life" mind you...but I could create a boyfriend in my head without any "real life" restrictions whatsoever!  I can't remember now who I told my friends "was" my boyfriend outside of our school---but whomever he was, he looked just like Davey Jones (from The Monkees don't you know)?

I can even recall in junior high telling kids from my church how my "boyfriend" from school played football and adored me unconditionally.  I had a photo of one of our school's football players as "proof".  I got it from a friend's boyfriend who took the photo.  Of course, I wrote "Dear Mary" blah blah blah on the back of that photo to prove my points even further.  "You are the best girlfriend I could ever hope for.."  HAHA!  Too bad I didn't even know the guy because I sure sounded like good girlfriend material to me!

Fortunately for me, my "fantasy life" took a major detour when I entered sophomore year and emerged somewhat of a butterfly after losing 30 lbs. and no longer being self-conscious about the braces on my teeth.  I was asked out and went out;  I joined the glee club.  I became class president.   I got a life, to put it bluntly. 

But what about those others who don't take seriously their own opportunities to "get a life" and live each day in the real world?  Madame Bovary was one such character from fiction.  She started out heavy on the fantasy in order to cope with an impoverished and lonely home life without a mother;  she ended up dead by her own hand after a string of broken hearts and promises.  Madame Bovary took "avoiding personal responsibility" to new heights by dreaming her big dreams (often and always!)...while ignoring the actual "work" it would take to transform her "dreams" into reality.

This is the big problem when it comes to one's own fantasy-driven beliefs...and associated behaviors.  You may "want" to believe yourself as being special...but believe me honey, we are ALL special cases.  Not just you.  You may "want" to believe you are deserving of that great job making great money and living in a 3,000 sq. ft. condo on the ocean....but that ain't happenin' anytime soon if your "real job" is at the local Speedway.   You may "want" the partner to beat all past partners who will love, cherish, and adore you to the ends of the earth.  But if you're nothing more than "cute" or "hot" (or whatever you call yourself these days)...remind me how that fact alone counts for everything?

In the end, fantasies can ruin a person's reality beyond anyone's worst nightmare.  Fantasies do NOT replace planning your work...and then working your plan.  Day by day.  Month by month.   Year by year.  If you want "good" to come into your life...you MUST be "real" about how that is going to happen given your own strengths, gifts, talents, and resources.  While you are at it, you must also look realistically at your limitations so you don't talk yourself into another "Oh I'll deal with that tomorrow" kind of excuse...

Nobody wants to wake up one day at 55 or 60 years old and suddenly realize, "What the )$_@# have I done with my life?!"  Not anyone.  And in this case, who you gonna blame for that if it happens?  Your fantasies?  You ARE the only one who can step out of your fantasy-driven universe into real life with the rest of us.  All it takes is making that first step in the right direction.





 

Monday, August 6, 2012

Finding What Works....

One of the things I emphasize in therapy is the need to discover "what works" in calming, soothing, and relaxing you which does NOT also involve a destructive or self-destructive substance and/or process.  This also applies to whatever works in energizing, motivating, and stimulating you.  I know it may sound strange to put it this way, but not everyone gets it about how to change their mood, anxiety level, or feelings without involving something that is "bad"for them or someone else.  For example, the act of arguing with another person actually does end up releasing endorphins when the fight is "over" because of how much energy (albiet negative!) was expended during the fighting process.  It's like getting a good workout, but in a very bad and wrong kind of way.  You are exhausted, you are tired, and yet---you are relaxed and much calmer once the drama is finally over.  This "link" is often ignored by those who don't initially understand me when I ask if they may be addicted to "drama, crisis, and chaos".

Fighting with someone else also has the potential to energize, motivate, and stimulate a person as well...once it begins that is.  This is why disagreements can so easily escalate for so many people into knock down drag outs.  Nobody is aware of or understanding the "pay off" that keeps them locked into the fight mode.  You can feel "up" if you will (energized, etc.) and then "down" (calm and relaxed) all within whatever time frame the argument/fight covers.  Which is, once again, why so many people become and stay "addicted" to fighting and arguing without understanding why.  Now you know why.  At least I hope you do.

Now imagine, if you will, the person who may struggle with a significant mental health issue.  This, as one example, may be the person who suddenly finds themself feeling extremely irritated, angry, and "ready to blow" without anything "bad" happening to trigger it!  How do you "change" that mood state when it may be what you feel before breakfast is even on the table!?  Drink a red bull and chase it with a cup of coffee in hopes you'll feel calmer fast?  Sounds crazy?  Not really when you think about it.  Caffeine does have a calming effect on those individuals who struggle with racing thoughts, inability to concentrate, lack of focus, etc.  Did you know that "in the old days" of identifying whether or not a child had ADHD (attention-deficity hyperactivity disorder), parents were often told to give the child a cup of black coffee in the morning?  If the child was able to focus and concentrate "better" as a result, ADHD could not be ruled out.  I remember a client many years ago who would drink a full litre of Pepsi once he got to work and by lunchtime...and then another between noon and three p.m.  In his case, he did have a major mood disorder as well as ADHD...but he certainly didn't link his caffeine addiction to his daily attempts at calming, relaxing, and soothing himself during a hard day at the office.

Finding what works to make you feel better "now" usually ends up involving unhealthy things when you aren't paying attention to yourself to the extent you should.  Alcohol is NOT the only way to calm, relax, and soothe yourself before trying to fall asleep at night.  What about picking up the most boring book in your house and reading it in bed?  Or making sure the temperature in your bedroom is not too hot or not too cold (for you) first?  There are all sorts of things you can do to help yourself accomplish your goals when it comes to changing your mood states...but when you do and then keep repeating the wrong thing---it's not a good thing.  Ever.

For me personally, discovering "blogging" online has definitely assisted me in both energizing, motivating, and stimulating myself on demand....yet it also has the power to calm, soothe, and relax me as well.  Which reminds me...it's time for bed.  Good nite!