Stressing Out on Facebook....

My husband posted a copy of an article today he read about Facebook stressing us out.  In the article, the author said that our "collision of worlds" (given the various Facebook "friends" we have!) is causing us to hesitate before we post.  After all, who wants grandma knowing that we robbed a convenience store in Vegas last weekend?  After reading the article, I was reminded of how much easier it is these days to be and remain de-lusional when it comes to crafting the "media ready" version of our social lives and expectations of one another as Facebookers.

I'll start with me.  If you went on my Facebook page right now this is what you would see:  A profile photo of me from 23 years ago.  The only thing I have in common "now" with that photo is my current hairstyle.  When I found the photo some months ago, I decided to post it as my "new" profile photo because I wanted to see if it generated any comments.  You know, comments like "You look GREAT Mary!" or "Wow! Did you see Dr. Botox again?!"  Yes, I was and admit delusional thinking at the time.  This, I might add, in contrast to my husband's current profile photo from 25 years ago when he was "much thinner" than he was last year (by about 70 lbs.)...but which currently makes him appear "fat" because this year he's lost more than 70 lbs.!  By the way, I'm the one who put up his profile photo to begin with!

Enough about the outside stuff.  As you may be able to surmise, my "stress" on Facebook is solely limited to what makes me look young...old....fat...or fatter.  And when I can snap and post a current photo of my thinner and hot-looking husband, him too!  Grant it, this obsession with physically appearing "acceptable" to others in me goes back not just years, but decades.  I'm going to be one of those 85 year old women (if I make it that long!) who will be wearing every extension known to man from the top down...and every girdle known to women from the bottom up!

Now that I've bared my ugly bits regarding how Facebook has fed the delusional beast in me...what about you?  Do you think Facebook is an appropriate springboard to "let it all hang out" on any given day, week, or month?  Do you think it's appropriate to post false positive or false negative messages about one's own attitudes, beliefs, opinions, or feelings?  Does it matter in the first place?  Is Facebook really just a way to make ourselves feel better fast...or vent our frustrations...or remain delusional about that which we feel we cannot change?  These are just some questions that our social networking lifestyle raises, regardless of who you are...or who you think you are.

For me, as a psychotherapist...I think Facebook "stress" is going to increase or remain quite high when you know, deep inside yourself, you don't like the person whom you believe you are.  Chasing after the acceptance and approval of others is one way to torture yourself;  the opposite way is to present like a clanging gong always looking for the next fight.  Neither approach really gets anyone anywhere that's good in the end. 

Then of course there's the response one of my friends' made recently when I asked her why she hasn't gone on Facebook yet:  "It's too damn stressful!"

Touche...










  

When Disaster Strikes...

Trauma happens to every one of us.  Nobody gets a free pass when it comes to avoiding situations which, at some point in your life, will cause you to feel like you have died (figuratively), or you are about to die (literally).  I wish it wasn't this way, but it is what it is.  For some, trauma occurs here and there with enough years and appropriate intervention(s) inbetween "events" so as not leave a significant footprint of lingering damage.  For others, trauma is chronic and repeated..and may have begun as early as infancy.  Everyone's experiences with trauma is going to be different.  We can't avoid it, we can't deny it, and we can't minimize it.  Trauma is the one thing in this life that has the most power to transform us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than any other human experience.  Whether it transforms us for the good...or for the bad....is what I want to talk about today.

One of the great misnomers about "healing" from trauma has to do with timing.  Healing cannot be expected or required to "begin" as soon as the event/tragedy/crisis has ended.  Crisis responders are of course a valuable and necessary adjunct to whatever it is that has "happened" (such as a school shooting, natural disaster, or kidnapping) when it is happening.  HOWEVER, survivors of trauma are very rarely "ready" to talk about their feelings about the event when they are still in an emergency state.  This emergency state may be literal ("I need food!" "My baby needs diapers!")...or figurative ("I can't think straight!" "I'm too afraid to think about that right now!").  Often, survivors of trauma don't even want to address what they went through until months or years later when they feel completely "safe" in their present lives.  This is very typical of survivors of ongoing and traumatic abuse as would be the case with childhood survivors of incest, domestic violence, and criminality.

Yet the "timing" of one's own healing from a traumatic event or past is still very important.  Some trauma survivors so deny and minimize what happened to them...that they "forget" what lessons they were meant to learn as a result of their traumatic experience(s).  This is especially true for individuals who may have struggled with setting and maintaining their own boundaries b.t. (before trauma).  If the lines keep getting blurred between what's right and what's wrong...it can be very easy to drift further and further away from "right" once trauma comes knocking at your door.  As a result, this type of trauma survivor ends up saying to themselves and others, "I'm fine!  I don't need to see a therapist!  I'm good!"  This is very common among war veterans who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder.   Ethan Brown, author of the book "Shake the Devil Off" wrote very eloquently about this issue involving an Iraqi/Kosovo war veteran who ended up committing a murder/suicide.

If there is any lessons to be learned here, it is this:  When we treat our past traumas like they are "no big deal" or "too big a deal"...we lose our chance at true healing, positive change, and growth.  Trauma is a terrible way for anybody to have to learn positive skills and insights....but again, it is what it is.  What doesn't kill you CAN make you stronger...but only if you give it permission to.

Until next time....