About to Snap....

When was the last time someone unexpectedly snapped at you for no good reason?  Was that person a stranger?  A friend?  Co-worker?  Your partner?  Son or daughter?  This "snapping" thing, by the way, can be a symptom of bipolar mania...not just someone having a bad day.  Depending on the person and how often they experience these "about to snap" moments, hair-trigger irritability is, indeed, one of the signs of a possible mood disorder and bipolar disorder with mania (or mixed episodes) in particular.

"Snapping" as a result of an undiagnosed and/or untreated mood disorder requires no "real life event" to trigger one's angry feelings/behavior.  If a person wakes up highly irritated...or was fine until 3:00PM and then began to feel angrier and angrier "out of nowhere"---this is how a mood disorder involving mania or manic episodes roll.  There is nothing that is "happening" to explain a person's feelings in this regard.  Feeling pi**ed off, angry, irritated, and restless (in a bad way) just comes when it comes---and goes when it goes.

With personality disorders, being irritated or snapping occurs because of some "bad" event that has taken place beforehand.  A person might wake up and because it is raining outside, that's enough of a "bad" event to trigger one's disappointment and subsequent irritability and angry feelings.  For someone else, the rain isn't the problem..it's finding out that the dog vomited on the carpet which does it.  Real life events that are perceived as "bad" represent the biggest triggers for someone who struggles with a personality disorder.  Along with this, there are those individuals who are triggered by "imagined" bad events (haven't happened yet!) which lead to their own angry feelings and irritability.  The kid who doesn't want to go with his parents to the lake this weekend because it is "boring";  the employee who has to give a presentation at 7:00AM tomorrow morning to the executive board.  The business owner who is flipping out because his business is "down" this quarter;  all of these are examples of imagined "what if" scenarios than can quickly move a person from being "o.k." to being and feeling highly irritated and angry.

So...what is someone supposed to do if they recognize themselves as a result of reading this post?  I would encourage you to keep a "mood chart" for one month just to see what pattern(s) are present when it comes to your own irritability and angry moments.  Being and becoming more self-aware of your irritable feelings and anger when they pop up is not a bad thing.  The mood chart is merely a means of tracking "when" they pop up over the course of a 24 hour period.  Those tiny spiral-bound notebooks at the drugstore are a perfect "tool" to use in recording such mood changes.  An example of a series of entries for "DAY ONE" may look something like this:

6:00AM:  Never anything to eat for breakfast around here;  what does my wife do all day?
7:30AM:  Driving in rush hour and very upset.  Thinking about nothing but how much I hate rush hour!
10:30AM:  Sister called and wants me to go over there after work.  I'm pi**ed off.
3:30PM:  Went for a "poof" with my buddy from work.  Had a couple beers.  Noise on t.v. set bothered me; too loud!
5:30PM:  Whoops I forgot I was supposed to go to my sister's house;  feel good though!
6:30PM:  I went into son's room and about blew a cork.  Such a pig pen in there!  He's a slob!
11:00PM:  Going to bed now;  feel fine.  No other angry or irritated incidents I can think of since this morning to report...

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There are mood chart templates online (free) that a person may use to track his or her irritable and angry feelings if the mini notebook isn't preferred.

Another example of one's Mood Chart may include entries like these:

DAY FIVE

10:00AM:  I've been irritable all morning since I woke up.  I can't figure out why.  I have been more tired lately and haven't gotten much sleep this past week.  Maybe that's it?

12:30PM:  I feel much better now.  Am going to go out and run some errands.

4:00PM:  I wonder if I have low blood sugar or something?  I feel like I want to rip someone's head off! 

6:30PM:  Husband announces after coming home that we are invited to a party this Saturday.  Whoop dee doo.  All of these last minute social invites irritate me for sure.

12:30AM:  Goodnite.  Now I can't sleep.  Fabulous.  Wide awake and like my body's being run by a motor.  Ugh!

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Too many of us don't want to notice or acknowledge our own or another's "about to snap" behaviors.  After all, there is no fun associated with being irritable or angry!  By being willing to initially explore what's going on, when, and under what circumstances can be extremely helpful in empowering us to get and do better.

Next time, we'll talk more about what works (and what doesn't!) in managing "about to snap" moments...

 

Settling Down....

When I was a kid, I must have heard this line a thousand times during my elementary school years:  "Mary, settle down!"  Back then, that meant to stop doing all the things I would do to distract myself from feeling and being bored.  Making cootie catchers was one of my favorite past times.  Basically a paper fortune teller, I came up with the "fortunes"...and whomever was playing it with me would choose a series of numbers and/or colors before their particular "fortune" was revealed.  Of course, me being me, the fortunes I wrote back then for the boys were much less gracious than those for the girls:  "Nobody likes you and you will die soon."  I always tried to make sure my classroom bully got that one if he played....

Of course, as the years went by and I still had difficulty "settling down" in class, not much was done to resolve my issues both inside or outside of the classroom.  In my own personal opinion, changing households might have done the trick---but that wasn't happening anytime soon.

As I got older and finally left my parental home for good, I remember the various people I met during those key years between 18 and 21 when I was so much more "free" to do whatever I wanted and with whomever I wanted any time of the day or night.  I can recall one mutual friend of I and my roommate who called us at 2:30AM one evening to announce she was at the donut shop across the road and did we want her to come over and vacuum our carpeting.  We declined the offer, and I still don't know to this day why "T" felt the need to vacuum our carpeting at 2:30AM on a random weekday evening.  (I will have to ask her on Facebook after I finish this post!)  Yet for all the "non-settling down" activities I pursued during those years....I do remember enjoying random weekend days (or nights!) when I could just sit and look out our front window quietly----or walk around the park right next to our place without saying a word to anyone.  I do believe this was the beginning of me learning how to "settle down" and practice just "being" alone----and being quiet---and feeling perfectly o.k. with the whole experience.

Settling down is not something we necessarily think about consciously when the world is so generally loud.  I have a plaque over our fireplace at home which states the obvious:  "Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud."  Yet far too many of us don't take, won't take, can't take, or are afraid to make time for the quiet moments in our lives.  If we don't practice making that time to be still and just "be"...how are we going to be able to eventually learn how to calm ourselves, self-soothe, and/or relax?  We won't.  We will instead fall into the trap that so many of us do;  we turn to a drink or a joint or a piece of cake or a pill in order to "slow down" quickly and on demand.

Settling down and practicing "calm" opens us up to many positive outcomes.  First and foremost among these is the fact that we can literally lower our own blood pressure by doing so.  When we practice being quiet and more calm, our breathing literally slows down;  when it slows to eight or fewer times per minute---there is no way we can breathe at that rate and still be anxious or panicky. There are different methods one can try to slow their breathing;  I prefer square breathing and often use it with clients who struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. 

Besides the physiolgical benefits of "settling down" and relaxing oneself on demand, it allows us to pay better attention to the "good" that surrounds us and that we so often miss.  When is the last time you really looked at a spring lilac and inhaled its natural perfume deeply?  What are the flowers that are in bloom right now around your place of residence?  Can you hear the birds singing outside your window?  Do you smell that bread baking in your oven right now?  Without cultivating the ability to literally "stop and smell the roses"---or just "stop" and be present in the present moment....we do miss out on so much that is ultimately good for us.

Settling down also helps us to listen more effectively and pay better attention to one another.  Have you ever tried to give directions to someone who is highly anxious?  Forget it.  That's like trying to catch the wind with one's hand.  It just isn't going to happen.  When a person has their mind on "other things" besides the here and now of the present moment---how can we expect them to not only hear us, but truly listen and retain what we have said?  It's pretty much impossible.  What often happens instead is that the unsettled person will "think" they heard this or that which was in their own mind---rather than what actually came out of the speaker's mouth.  In this way, being able to calm, self-soothe, relax, and settle ourselves down opens the door to better communication AND understanding between ourselves and others.

Getting enough sleep every night, engaging in regular exercise, eating healthy, avoiding substances that naturally stimulate and/or artifically stimulate and/or slow down our central nervous system---these are also things we can do to practice settling down on a daily basis.

I have a plaque in my office which states the following:  "Peace:  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."  This is the ultimate goal of being able to master the practice of settling down.  No matter where we are or what is going on, we can still be "calm" inside ourselves and experience true peace.

Until we meet again....

 

Your Cheating Spouse....

Today's blog post is being written for married women who have cheaters for husbands.  I'm not going to split hairs on this blog post today;  I understand all about denial and how it's not just a river in Egypt.  I also understand all about making false accusations to justify one's own cheating heart.  That's not the focus of what I am here to talk about today.  Instead, we truly need to talk about (as Wendy Williams would say) "How you doin'?!"

Some women claim not to mind if their husband cheat because they don't want to be bothered by their husbands sexually.  I have had friends and clients over the years who have basically communicated one of two extreme explanations for this logic:  (1) he's insatiable and I'm too tired for all his nonsense, or (2) he's such a lousy lover and won't change, so I'm not interested.  Then there are all the explanations that fall inbetween these two extremes.  Things like "He cheated on me before and I contracted an STD, so it was all over for me sexually after that."  or "He has ED, so good luck to anyone who wants to make sure he takes his Viagra faithfully!" There are more...but by far the saddest and most tragic explanation I have EVER heard was this one:  "Because he wants to, he's talked to me about it, and there is nothing I can do but agree BECAUSE I LOVE HIM."

First of all, cheating is not supposed to be an option when your husband gets bored with you---or believes all women are objects anyway so what's the big deal about who he sleeps with when he's out of town---or because he is secretly bisexual and wants to screw around with his boys behind your back---or because he is secretly gay and just wants a beard OR kids and you have been chosen as his breeder---etc. etc.  I don't know what happened to the institution of marriage over the past hundred years...but our culture sure has learned to embrace the Groucho Marx School of Marital Theory:  When asked once what he thought of the "institution of marriage", Groucho replied he didn't like living in an institution.  That about sums up the thinking of the majority of men who do cheat IMHO.  Even worse, when a husband assumes you are supposed to agree with him just because he articulated his intention or desire to cheat out loud in front of you...what's that about?  In my book, it's about him being a narcissistic, disrespectful, and beyond rude DUMB ASS who doesn't have a clue how to treat women and especially his own wife!  Yes, I did say that.  I know---we shrinks are supposed to accept "everything" we hear inside our offices---but when cheating is reduced down to "Hey, I'm getting a mocha latte today instead of my regular nonfat chai---you're o.k. with that though right?"...it's all a bunch of BULL-insert-rest-of-word here! 

Cheating is NOT like ordering a latte instead of a chai at Starbucks.  Cheating is a symptom of other bigger issues that, until they are resolved, won't be.  If you haven't watched "True Tori" yet, be sure to do so on demand.  In their case, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been married for seven years and have four children under the age of seven together.  Tori found out around Christmas this past year that Dean cheated on her with some 28 year old he met when away on a project in Toronto.  The whole series "True Tori" is about the aftermath of this particular "cheating scandal".  Dean believes it is his "alcoholic brain" that wants him "dead" which led him to drink, do cocaine, and ultimately cheat on Tori.  Okay whatever.  At least he didn't ask her to give him permission first right?  Like so many other women agree to allow....

Cheating is a sign of significant problems from the cheater's past and perception of himself as a member of our human family.  Cheaters, as hard as this may be to believe, have TRUE problems with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy!  They treat sex like a simple choice as one would do when considering different movies to watch on Saturday night.  As such, women who are married to cheaters really need to stop and think about why they are "allowing" their husband's cheating to continue and remain unchecked.  Cheating does NOT ever help to develop true emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy between a married couple.  If you believe that lie, you need to ask why you are willing to throw yourself under the bus in the name of a type of love your cheating spouse is clueless about.

So, "how you doin'?" now?  Cheating is a resolvable issue in psychotherapy, but BOTH parties have to be willing to work on it.  If not, then the faithful spouse is being forced to live with a choice that will be more destructive than not over time---especially if children are involved.  Until next time...

Note:  It always takes two to tango, so you must ask yourself as the "faithful wife" why you also have difficulties with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy with your partner?  After all, if you were a healthier person---you'd never agree to marry anyone you even suspected as capable of cheating in the first place.  I'm just sayin....




 

The Power of Our Inputs....

All of us are bombarded by inputs from the moment we wake up each morning...to the time we finally fall asleep at night.  There are statistics out there which indicate how many advertisements we are unwittingly exposed to day in and day out;  the figure ranged between 3-5,000 as of this year.  That's up to 5,000 "inputs" we didn't ask for, don't necessarily need or want, but are just "there" for our eyeballs and ears to be assaulted by each and every day.  Today's blog post isn't about the inputs we don't want to allow into our lives every single day....but those we do.

For example, what sounds, sights, or tastes do you allow yourself to wake up to each morning?  I have known and heard of people waking up to Christian music playing on their radio....a siren-like alarm they can't stand....the smell of the smoke from their day's first marijuana cigarette....the taste from a shot of their favorite liqueor at bedside...or whatever happens to be on the t.v. that they forgot to turn off last night.  These are all inputs, in case you are forgetting the point of this post right now.

Imagine now getting out of bed, going to the kitchen, and preparing to start your day.  What do you turn on the television set---and why?  What do you swallow---and why?  Newsflash:  Not everyone has orange juice, some protein, and a carbohydrate to start their day!   I'm asking because what you ingest and what you watch by choice regularly is a lot like what you buy over and over again at the store.  There is a saying if you want to know a man's heart, go through his checkbook entries.  If you are motivated, energized, and/or stimulated by things that have a net effect of "not good" on your mind, heart, and life.....why would you (or anyone else?) continue to pursue them?   Probably the saddest example I can give of this is the young man who got up each day, popped a few adderall with a swig of water, watched some porn, got dressed, and dashed out the door to work (only to make sure to hit up a Starbucks en route as well!).

As a music lover, I have always been sensitive to the power of song lyrics.  It's one thing to listen to songs that present messages to uplift, enocourage, and support our positive choices in life.  It's quite another to listen to songs that glorify body parts and the extent to which they work, women being called every name in the book BUT women, etc.  Used to be these sorts of songs were "banned" generally speaking on the public airwaves, but not anymore.  Just hearing a "bleep" instead of the actual offensive word does NOT mean the listener didn't "get it" about what was just sung.  I almost fell over last year when one of my student clients said "Thrift Shop" was one of her favorite songs and would be played at their prom.  Have you read the explicit lyrics to Thrift Shop?  If not, I hope you aren't a parent with a kid who loves that song!  Now, I can't even keep up with what's the most offensive song ala May 2014---because there are too many of them!

I can also recall when my kid was in grade school and "Jerry Springer" first came on the air.  I was shocked at the number of kids allowed to watch this show, let alone when they began understanding the content of each program.  Then Sex and the City came down the pipeline by the time ours was in high school;  talk about the first televised program I knew of that broadcasted straight up porn for the masses!  Yet once again, there were kids our daughter's age who "loved" SITC and watched it every week with mom, dad, or mom and dad both!  What the...?!?!?

Needless to say, to deny the power of our chosen inputs is not only stupid, but ridiculous.  We ARE influenced by what we choose to listen to, watch, and ingest that is not good for us.  We can't keep denying how our inputs are what keep us "stuck" in whatever ruts we find ourselves in---and that are indeed of our own making.  As I've said a million times before, if nothing changes, nothing changes.  Become aware of your daily inputs so you can take the steps to change them from bad to better.  It all begins with just one change that you stick with.  Then another.  And another after that.  Before you know it, you'll be feeling better....doing better...and wondering why you ever thought of "inputs" as no big deal until now.  Have a great weekend!