Weeding Your Relationship Garden...for 2023!

"You are what you attract.."  "Birds of a feather, flock together..."  "Misery loves company.."  You've heard these sayings before.  Have you ever thought about the impact your "friends" and close(r) family members have had on you in recent months, recent years, and/or over past decades?  Today's blog post is all about asking yourself if it's time to start weeding your own relationship garden---for the sake of your own personal growth and healing during the new year ahead!

Friendship has the power to heal a person...just as it has the power to kill a person.  That's a fact.  When I was working at a local prison over twenty years ago, a large majority of the inmates I worked with were IN prison because of a relationship with a way wrong "friend" or "partner".  Think about that for a few before continuing on with today's blog post...

Genuine friendship that is genuinely mutually-beneficial and soul-level affirming is a gift from God.  That's the first thing.  Like the old saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family.."  No kidding.  As such, for any of us---our first go-around with "friendship" actually began within the confines of our own family of origin.  Little children do not say to their parents, "Listen, I want you to take grandma back to wherever she came from.  She's a raging kook!"  

What we learn from our own family system before we are old enough to venture outside of our own household for more than a few hours each day (while understanding what's going on around us by the way!)....teaches us a great deal about what "friendship" is---and what it is not!  Unfortunately for many of us, the lessons we learn that stick "most" with us are the wrong ones instead of the right ones!  "It's o.k. to use people to get what we want from them."  "It's o.k. to lie so long as you don't hurt the other person's feelings.."  "Everybody cheats...nobody can really be honest most of the time about anything!" and of course the classic "Everybody is a hypocrite so if you can't beat 'em...join 'em!"

Can I tell you how many siblings I have seen, for example, over the past twenty years as a licensed LLP psychologist?  Plenty!  And it is always very sad to me when the relational dynamics between two sisters...or two brothers...or a set of twins...or between steps or half siblings...is a HOT MESS of dysfunction!  This is so unfortunate!  Yet---when I come to understand how and why each party believes their relationship went "wrong" "bad" or "upside down"...things become much clearer for me when diving into the muck of other people's drama(s).  By the way, much of the "friction" between two siblings has more to do with how one or both parents of those siblings treated the siblings, individually and together!  Are you still delusional about parents and their "favorite" child/child(ren)?  Get over it if you are!  Parents constantly reveal which of their "own" child(ren) are their personal favorite(s) and why.  And so how does it feel when you know you kept coming out on the short end of that stick---for your entire life so far?  Can you say Bitter and not Better?  I sure can, even if only on your behalf!

All of this to make the point that feeling "stuck" with someone in your life who you don't consider a "real" friend in the first place---still leaves you with some alternative options for your own sanity's sake!  There are always options.  One can weed.  One can set boundaries that stick.  One can create distance.  One can leave and not look back.  And one can certainly cultivate "new" friendships that are higher quality and less soul-crushing.

For example, many people vow in the new year to get sober, eat healthy, exercise more, and lose weight.  That's cool.  So what do you do when you take a look around at your friendship circle---only to notice that the vast majority of your friends are active addicts, eat like crap, don't exercise at all, and each have a minimum of about 50 lbs. to lose?!  How would friends like "this" encourage, inspire, and motivate you to reach your intended goals?  They, in two words, WOULD NOT!  So---in this example---"weeding" doesn't mean getting rid of these friends per se, but certainly discerning "which" of these friends is least likely to sabotage/harshly judge/confound your progress by what they say or do while in your presence!  If, in fact, any of them are capable of positive forms of ongoing support.  Temptation to do the wrong or easy thing doesn't always come in the form of picking up a drink or going to the casino on a day-long binge...but from the mouths of others who basically communicate to us, "It's o.k., just go ahead, it can't hurt you."

When I think of the most common issues that give people a way wrong idea of what "friendship" actually is and means...99.999% of any problems has to do with a highly codependent and toxically codependent relationship dynamic and lifestyle.  People don't know how to treat others as equals with mutual respect and rigorous honesty attached.  That is the first thing to note about the "rules of being codependent".

Codependency, by definition, is "people addiction".  If I am addicted to you---then you are supposed to allow me to "serve" you, so you learn you can't live without me.  In this way, I am teaching you that I am in control of  your happiness, because without me, you'll NEVER find anybody so willing to "serve" you like I have!

If you are addicted to me---then I am supposed to allow you to "serve" me, so I can learn how you are my sole source of my ability to feel Powerful, Pleasured, and able to Avoid Personal Responsibility because of what "you" do for "me".  Double ugh!  I'm now you King/Queen Baby for life!

So the dynamic between two codependent people who are addicted to each other involves this highly dysfunctional flip-flop dance of "Who's the Master?  Who's the Slave?  Today?  This week?  This month?  This year? etc. etc.  

How effed up is that?  Plenty!

In the end, codependency is all about trying to control each other through this "service" oriented mentality that teaches each other that we can't do squat on our own because we "need" our chosen  person (our "friend" of choice!) to do our stuff for us instead of us doing our own stuff for ourselves!  NOT helpful folks!  Not at all!

When one person drops the ball and stops dancing to the same tune of the codependent flip-flop dance...things can go to hell in a handbasket very quickly.  "Where's my coffee this morning?!"  "How come you were out this way and you DID NOT CALL ME?!?"  "How dare you put that on for tonight's party?!  What's wrong with you?  I hate you in the color green!"  SPARE ME!!!

Spare me, indeed!

So think about what you have to weed out of your relationship garden during this new year of 2023...beginning tomorrow!  January 1, 2023!

Every day we are above ground is a gift.  Don't squander it.  Use whatever time you have left to genuinely improve the quality of your own life and relationships!  You don't exist just to make sure other people serve you the way you want them to---and/or you serve them the way they want you to.  Everyone has to carry their own personal load of personal responsibility...and get it done...each and every day.

So consider some weeding for a healthier personal garden in 2023!

Until next post...

New Year...New Choices?

Well, it's that time of year again!  2023 is right around the corner!  When you look back at this past year...what were the important lessons presented to you?  Have you thought about this at all?  If not, you are missing out on an excellent series of opportunities to apply what you have learned from this past year---to your brand new year ahead.  If you doubt the importance of what I am suggesting here, let's take a look at some of what others have learned by recognizing both the mistakes made, and lessons learned, from their own past experience(s)....

"I never realized until this past year how my father is a coward.  He knew my mother was not a good one;  we kept telling him all our lives what she did to us when he wasn't home.  Now it's becoming abundantly clear that he didn't care about how her abuse affected us.  He just wanted to make sure she wouldn't get upset with him---or leave him.  He sacrificed his own kids' well being so he wouldn't be in trouble with her.  How tragic!"

"It took me twelve years with a "wounded" boyfriend to figure out that I have been doing the majority of the work to make sure "we" are o.k.  He's always too depressed, too anxious, too unsure about his future direction...while I'm working my a** off to keep our financial heads above water.  Wow.  How dumb have I been?  Well, I'm moving on finally.  Better late than never.  I'm heartbroken, but I need an equal enough partner...not just a "nice guy" who tells me how he can't imagine his own life without me!"

"My child was always difficult.  He tried to attack his aunt's dog when he was just three years old.  I ignored his behavior then.  Wanted to believe he was just "troubled" a bit, but that he would grow out of it.  After his mother and I divorced a few years later, he didn't improve.  Then he got angry about most anything I asked him to do when I had him.  Now that he's 18, he's struggled with drugs, alcohol, and the wrong crowd for the past few years.  I see now how I just wanted everything to be "easy" and thought sports would be his way out of his troubles.  It wasn't."

"I have been that person who was always willing to give to others, without thinking first.  I have made a doormat out of myself because I so desperately wanted people to like me...and accept me.  All that came out of my efforts is that I feel very resentful and bitter towards those who took the most from me, without reciprocating in return.  I'm focusing big time on self-care this new year.  I have learned that all that "helping" I did was really for the purpose of making myself feel good and having a sense of control over someone else's life!  How crazy was I to believe all that garbage?"

"I kept fooling myself about my drinking.  I would do "Dry January" every year...only to get back to "Loaded February-December" AS IF that made me just a social drinker.  It wasn't until I took a good look around my own house that I realized the level of denial I've been in.  Even my favorite wine glasses can hold a whole bottle of wine!  So this January, I am purposing to attend an AA meeting every time I want to drink.  I may be going every night at first, but I can't keep doing this to myself.  I'm an alcoholic...and now I finally see how it's affected me and my life not in a good way..."

"My brother, who I always considered my best friend, is a manipulative liar.  I even stopped myself from getting close to other guys as friends...because I didn't want to disturb the dynamic between my brother and myself.  He has always said to me, "I'm the only one who will be there for you..", when in fact, he has NOT.  This is the year I am going to be establishing some very clear boundaries with him, which begins with him returning the key to my house that he's had for way too long..."

"I have a chronic medical condition that my family has consistently downplayed and minimized.  Even my doctors have said that their attitude isn't helping me stay on track with my own treatment.  I denied this for a long time, but now I see the truth of what my doctors have kept telling me.  When I am with my family, I do not eat propertly---I don't pace myself as I should--and I definitely don't know how to manage any incoming stress in their presence.  So...I am learning how I need to create some distance between us until I can manage myself better when we are together."

"My wife left me for my best friend.  I ignored all the signs of what was building between them.  I realize now that everything she told me about me...was pretty spot on.  I am remote.  I am distant.  I am very uncomfortable with expressing myself and my deeper feelings.  I hate that this had to happen in order for me to finally get myself some therapy.  But that's what I will be doing in 2023.  I have to fix me.  It's not anybody else's responsibility but my own."

"My alimony ends at the end of 2023.  I still haven't figured out what I am going to "do" career wise, and I have been fighting doing the work to see what my real options are.  I am afraid I am too old and too irrelevant to really be hired by any organization that can meet my salary requirements.  I know I have to get myself together here...so I know this is the year I have to start somewhere by basically getting a job where I am working 8-9 hours a day instead of just doing a bunch of nothing day in and day out."

-------

It isn't always easy to face what we would rather not face.  But it is definitely worse when we keep avoiding that which is uncomfortable or undesirable for us to take a good hard and objective look at.  Let this be the year where we can look back at our past, and learn what we need to from what happened to us---or those we love and care about.  THEN...do our work so we can solve our own problem(s) by our own effort(s)!  Nobody gets better by just staying the same...waiting for someone "else" to fix, save, or rescue them....or doing nothing new and different to proactively improve the quality of their own lives.  When we do nothing, we don't remain "status quo".  In fact, we get and become worse over time.  Don't let this be your story as 2023 comes to a close same time, next year!

After all, if nothing changes---then nothing changes!

Until next post....

How Anxiety Allows You To Avoid....

I was listening to a friend the other day talk about her "ex".  She said that he has struggled with chronic and intense anxiety ever since they first met over 30 years ago.  Due to his issue with being stuck in a constant "fight, flight, or freeze" mode...they parted ways after several years together.  Today's post is about how anxiety and avoidance are inextricably linked together so people can remain under-responsible in their own day-to-day lives....

Everyone can relate to what anxiety feels like.  By definition, anxiety is defined as "imagined fear" plus worry combined.  That's it.  Some have referred to "imagined fear" as "vain imaginings" (which I do like that way of putting it for sure!).  In other words, when we are into our own practice of "vain imaginings"...it means that WE have control over what we are going to fixate on, obsess over, and worry about on a moment-by-moment, hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, and/or longer-term basis!  And when we make this a comfortable habit we don't consciously aknowledge in the first place, guess what?  We won't do much of what "else" we'd rather not think about and be responsible for on a daily basis!  

Just last night, I was told about someone who hasn't "ever thought about" moving into a safer area.  For this person, it has been much easier to avoid thinking about the topic of "moving" in spite of the evidence which keeps pointing to his need to move out sooner---than later.  Avoiding our own work is always easier when we choose to focus our minds on "other stuff"---even when that other stuff is chronic and intense anxious thoughts and feelings!  Now re-read this paragraph about ten times before moving on with the rest of today's blog post!

We are all different.  Some highly anxious people are complete slobs.  They live in chaos, just as their mind reflects that chaos through the ways in which they think, feel, and behave.  Other highly anxious people are meticulous about their personal spaces and wouldn't let a speck of fuzz linger on their wooden floors for more than 30 seconds.  Both highly anxious people, but both with very different ways of "coping" with the management of their personal space(s) on a daily basis.

Avoidance-of-what is the key to understanding how each of us chooses to manage our own personal struggle(s) with anxiety.  People who don't like talking on the phone;  yes, that may be due to a language processing disorder---yet there is help for that.  A person just can't go through life avoiding telephone conversations because of....high anxiety (?!?)  Puleeze!  Think Howard Hughes.  As this guy got older, he just got weirder and weirder about what he "chose" to do (and not do!) in order to keep his anxiety under control in his own mind.  Read up on him.  His story will flip your lid.  Hughes, in his time, was the equivalent today of Elon Musk, by the way---with a little Nick Cannon thrown in for good measure (number of spawns generated).

People who isolate themselves from social contact;  yes, that may be due to HSP (highly sensitive person-status)--yet there is help for that as well.  However, isn't it always MUCH easier to avoid that which we would rather not do---than to face it and do our work in that regard in a timely manner?  Of course it is!  Avoidance of whatever and whenever is anyone's first clue how much anxiety is running, ruling, and potentially ruining ANY person's real and right now life!

Avoidance in order to feel "less" anxious is a chosen lifestyle.  Yet so is recruiting others to manage our anxiety for us, by the way!  Of these two realities, past clients have been more open to recognize the detrimental and self-destructive effects of avoidance in their own lives when chronically anxious;  not so much when it comes to pursuing other-destructive dynamics by seeking out certain other people to manage their anxiety for them!

I've told the story before of the wife who screamed at her husband when he came home from work one day about "Fix the Vacuum!" because her relative was due over for a visit in 20 minutes.  That's a clear-cut example of the wife expecting her husband to "manage" her anxiety for her as soon as he walked through the door from work.  What we are capable of doing in order to "feel less anxious fast" most certainly can include the ways in which we treat our boyfriends, or girlfriends, or kids, or co-workers, or neighbors, or ANYBODY who has contact with us in any given moment!  

This mentality of "don't do or say anything to trigger my anxiety" is a terrible way to live.  Truly!  Yet we do this to each other way too often because we either don't know any better...or we like it like that.  Take your pick.  I know that NO person should ever function as someone else's doormat because they have been recruited to "manage" someone else's anxiety for them!  Then again, NO person should ever function as someone else's King or Queen Baby either!

I remember several years ago being at church when a random stranger came up to me and said "I need some size 8 shoes!"  (No kidding!)  Not knowing this person or why I was chosen as the recipient of that remark, I replied with "O.K. thanks."  As it turned out, I literally found a pair of lovely J Crew size 8 shoes in the middle of 8 Mile Road as I was walking that next week along 8 Mile Road.  They must  have fallen out of a passing vehicle. (Can't imagine any other explanation for it!)  When I saw this same person the next weekend at church, I had the shoes with me.  I just said as I handed them to her, "Here you go."  Whatever motivated her to recruit me to manage her anxiety about size 8 shoes...at least her request was heard by Someone bigger than myself to ensure her need was satisfied!

In that case, Divine intervention can certainly work to solve anyone's problem with anxiety as well.  Just don't presume you know "who" is supposed to be managing your anxiety for you in human form, o.k.?!

Just the other day, someone online posted something which basically said, "I've been down that road.  It doesn't work"....this in reference to seeking out therapy and doing the work of more effectively treating and managing one's issue with high anxiety.  Wow.  That's like saying, "I missed my flight through Southwest Airlines this week.  I'm NEVER flying on an airplane again for the rest of my life."  Okay then!  Throw out that baby with the bathwater!  Others have done it.  You can too.

And when you do...you'll be telling the whole wide world around you---that you know better than anyone else how keeping chronic and intense anxiety your own unwanted and yet closest companion for life---IS and has remained your own choice!

Until next post....

Does Your Brain Have Too Many Tabs Open? (About ADHD)

When you notice you are having difficulty managing your own knapsack of personal and/or professional responsibilities on a daily basis...the origin(s) of your problem may have most to do with something you haven't really thought all that much about.  That something I am speaking of which is unacknowledged and/or untreated/improperly treated----is ADHD.  Have you ever considered this?   If not, today is your lucky day.  By the end of this post, you may find that seeking professional help to determine if you are ADHD is the best gift you can give to yourself in 2023.

To begin, let's talk about what ADHD actually is and has to do with.  If you struggle with one or more of the "Executive Functions" of your own brain on a consistent-enough basis....your problem may have its origins in an ADHD diagnosis.  I have blogged about executive functioning issues in the past.  Without sounding like a broken record, let's just say if you find it challenging to "do" your daily responsibilities in ways that leave you feeling lazy, crazy, and/or stupid more often than not....you may have ADHD!  

Specifically, the areas of executive functioning that are affected by ADHD include (1) planning and prioritizing, (2) organizing, (3) task initiation, (4) working memory, (5) flexible thinking, (6) self-monitoring, (7) emotional control, and/or (8) impulse control.  If you go online to research "executive functioning skills"...everything you read will boil down to these eight areas of functioning.  They may be categorized a bit differently, but these are the basic definitions to do with executive functions within the prefrontal cortex of any human brain.  

Also note that not everyone has "issues" with all eight areas of executive functioning in order to be diagnosed with ADHD!  Not everyone, for example, who has ADHD is "hyperactive".  Then again, not everyone who is hyperactive has ADHD either!  Yet someone who struggles with the inability to pay attention and remain focused for sustained periods of time can definitely be ADHD.  As can the person who keeps struggling with "rigid" thinking (difficulty with shifting attention and being flexible with the ways he/she/they thinks when circumstances change in ways that were not expected).

So let's talk about how people are confused about what to "call" ADHD.  When people come into my office they will say "I think I have ADD"...or "I don't think I have ADHD"....  Before we go any further, let me clarify why ADHD is called ADHD in the first place.  

People diagnosed with ADHD may experience any one of three predominant types of ADHD:  "Predominantly Distracted/Inattentive Type", or "Predominantly Impulsive/Hyperactive Type" OR "Combined Type" (which means both Inattentive and Hyperactive Types).  As such, a person can be diagnosed with ADHD without experiencing impulsivity or hyperactivity...just as a person can have ADHD without experiencing distraction or inattentiveness.  Or...a person can have ADHD and experience all of these things, which would lead to a "Predominantly Combined Type" diagnosis.  Instead of describing ADHD as ADD or something else, the authors of the DSM determined that "ADHD: Predominantly XXX Type" was the best way to reference ADHD generally speaking.

Because of the confusion here, many people don't believe that they have ADHD because "I'm not hyper!" or "I know how to pay attention."  or "I just have a crappy memory and difficulty with change, that's all!"  Because of this confusion, many MANY people remain undiagnosed and untreated because their perception(s) of what ADHD actually is---is way off!  In my own case, I knew as a kid that I was easily distracted---and often felt extremely bored in school.  I did very well in certain areas of my own functioning (favorite academic subjects) and terrible in others (math, self-control, emotional regulation).  It wasn't until I realized that everything "took longer" for me in my life as compared to many of my peers...that I sought out professional help.  

Next, ADHD, regardless of the "type" which predominates...involves symptoms that can look like other diagnoses because of the overlapping symptoms.  For example, people who have been diagnosed with PTSD or C-PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder and/or complex posttraumatic stress disorder) experience many of the same symptoms as someone with ADHD.  This is also true of diagnoses involving certain mood and personality disorders.  

Being diagnosed on the spectrum for autism also involves symptoms which overlap with ADHD.  More specifically, the rigid thinking and difficulty with "cognitive flexibility" (being able to go with the flow of change).   As another example, which came first?  The predominantly inattentive type of ADHD...and/or the problem with "checking out" mentally too often (dissociation)...and/or just not wanting to do what you don't feel like doing (issue of sloth)?  Yep, it can be like that for individuals who have ADHD but haven't yet acknowledged it.  After all, who can change that which isn't yet acknowledged?  That would be nobody.

Yet for many people with unacknowledged and untreated and/or improperly treated ADHD...the proof of trying to treat it is in the "self cures" that ADHD folks most often pursue....and may have pursued for years.

For example, the use of highly caffeinated beverages is one's first clue that ADHD may be an issue for him/her/them when treating the predominantly inattentive type of ADHD.  Are you an energy drink addict?  Can you function without your daily dose(s) of coffee?  Soda pop?  Caffeinated tea?  Back when I was a new therapist, I saw a first-time client who actually brought into my office a two-litre bottle of Pepsi he was drinking from.  When I asked what the Pepsi was for, he said it helped him to "stay on track" each day...as he usually drank two of his two-litre bottles during each 24 hour period.  Yeah, that ended up being his way of managing his undiagnosed ADHD to that point in time.  It wasn't just about an addiction to Pepsi or sugar;  it was his form of treatment that he perceived as "least harmful" in keeping him focused on his work while he was at work each day.  Once he got on the right ADHD medication, he not only quit his soda pop cure---but the quality of his life and work improved tremendously.  Oh, and he also lost weight.

I more recently had a young lady who started each day smoking a joint.  For her, she often felt "frazzled" and "restless" after waking up.  Well, that would be true of  the typical "predominantly hyperactive" type of ADHD'er.  Central nervous system depressants (such as weed, alcohol, xanax, and other drugs) are often relied on when a person wants to feel "more calm" quickly.  Even though this young lady thought her "real" problem was "bad anxiety", in truth, her actual "core" problem was ADHD that she was treating inappropriately by herself for several years.

Then there are those people who alternate between using central nervous system depressants (as mentioned above) and things like the Pepsi, energy drinks, coffee...and stimulant-based street drugs.  When this occurs, we are often talking about ADHD'ers of the predominantly "combined" type.  

If you have found stimulant-based street drugs as "helping" you function better in your own life...chances are again pretty high that you have ADHD.  Cocaine...meth...crack.  I know this might sound a bit crazy, but it's not.  ADHD is one of those conditions where the executive functioning areas of the brain DO need to be stimulated in order to function more effectively.  This can happen whether a person uses cocaine or Adderall to achieve the desired end result(s).  The problem is that cocaine uses involves a "quick" rise and even quicker crash back down when it is selected to "feel better now".  Adderall and the other stimulant-based ADHD medications have a slower rise and descent when taken in the proper and prescribed dosage.  

Vyvanse is considered one of the alternatives that more highly medication-sensitive patients/clients can use...as well as BuSpar, which is a non-stimulant based medication used to treat ADHD.  People who have abused Adderall or Ritalin (as two examples) have, in their own way, tried to achieve the same "rush" that others feel when using cocaine, crack, or meth to feel better quickly.  This is why Adderall (as one example) has been often described as "Hillbilly cocaine" by those who abuse it.  Sad, but true.  As such anyone who has been addicted to street drugs and/or alcohol would need to be sober for at least 30-60 days before being evaluated for ADHD by a licensed professional LP, LLP, or MD psychiatrist.

I have made mention of these realities because they aren't usually discussed in casual conversation.  Yet, here we are now....

If you suspect you may be ADHD, now would be the time to contact me, as an LLP psychologist to take your first steps in determining whether you have ADHD...and what type predominates.

Until next post....

  

Adulting Isn't Easy For Too Many These Days....

Our culture is becoming more and more disconnected from itself.  We pop off at even the smallest real or imagined transgression.  We make mountains out of molehills...and yet make molehills out of legitimate mountains.  What this means is that we freak out over the stupid stuff of life....but then remain unconcerned when our own legit problems and/or potential opportunities reach a point of no return---in a bad way!  How do you think this whole "adulting" thing became a thing?  People believe they have all the time in the world to pursue and work on "adult" responsibilities that, in fact, they keep putting off or start-stopping until they are literally too old to achieve them!  Or dead.  We can't forget that death stops any plan(s) from coming to fruition, that's for sure!

When I was 19/20, I supplemented my income by working as a weekend bartender in a country western bar in Inkster, MI.  By day, I was a legal secretary at the #1 law firm during that era operating out of downtown Detroit.  I really didn't know how to bartend, but I convinced the owner of that bar to hire me anyway, which he did.  The very first time I made him a drink, which was a "tall salty dog"...I knew nothing of what that even meant.  A sympathetic customer whispered the ingredients to me and told me how to make it.  Whew.

Except when I made my boss's drink, I got the proportions wrong.  I only topped the drink with grapefruit juice...and the rest was straight vodka.  After he drank it, he told me that was the best salty dog anyone ever made him.  I learned.  Not exactly the right lesson, but I did learn.  That same night as he came up from the basement to refill the ice bin behind the bar...he walked into the door and bloodied his nose.  I don't wonder how or why that happened.  Shame on me for not realizing how I contributed to "that" issue;  shame on him for owning a business that fueled his own addiction.

That job taught me a lot about people as so-called "adults".  Remember, I was barely 20 years old---yet the bulk of my customers were at least twice my age.  And, unfortunately, all of my "regulars" on the weekends were, in fact, alcoholics.  Back then, nobody thought about someone drinking all day and then getting into their car to drive wherever afterwards.  As long as they could get up off the bar stool and walk out the door without wavering...it was all good.  How foolish anyone in the bar business was at that time!  There was no M.A.D.D. groups back then;  everyone presumed that if you drank and drove---so did a lot of other people!  Just don't get caught.  I lasted in that job about a year before I quit. I just couldn't take witnessing all that dysfunction anymore.  It was literally too much for me.  Everyone (and I do mean everyone!) from my regular customers are dead now, including the owner who hired me.  The building itself still stands...yet I am grateful that those walls cannot speak.  It was very difficult to watch people in real time ruining their own lives because their addiction to alcohol was more important to them than anything or anybody else, including themselves!  I won't lie though;  I made great tips.  However, at 20 years old, you better believe I wasn't thinking what was being sacrificed in my customers' family systems so I could walk out each night with over $100 in tips!

Isn't that the way it is these days as well with certain "habits" that we have picked up....yet still don't realize aren't exactly going to get us anywhere good over time?  For example, if you spend 3-8 hours a day on "something"...be it something you are constantly thinking about---and/or something you are constantly doing (by your own choice!) outside of your real-life "job"---you meet the diagnostic criteria for any one of several mental health disorders.  Well, it makes logical sense, doesn't it?  Who thinks about or does anything on average of four hours a day unless they are obsessive, addicted, and/or dysmorphic?  Hello!  This isn't rocket science people!  Sometimes, we have to clear the cobwebs here and see what's what even though we'd prefer not to.

After all, life was meant to be lived in "balance" with all of our other personal responsibilities...not merely being obsessively attached to only those things we "feel" like thinking about or doing in any given moment/day/week/month or year!  If this is a problem for you, your executive functioning may be the "real" issue--barring a traumatic brain injury or other cognitive-based impairment.  Get checked out for ADHD.  I just had someone tell me the other night that she "knew" she had attention and distraction-related issues all of her life...but never did anything about it.  Until just recently.  Good for her.  Take responsibility for yourself.  Nobody else is going to do it for you.  You do it for you!

Kids obsessed with their phone become adults still obsessed with their phone.  Kids who eat too much and become obese later become adults who eat too much and become morbidly obese.  Kids who vape tobacco and/or weed regularly become adults who...can't breathe and develop severe lung issues over time.

Will we ever learn that adulting really is good for us?  Some do.  Some don't.  Don't be one of the ones who don't.

That's all.  A short post for once in my professional life!

Until next time....