Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Messes and Blessings

An old high school friend of mine suddenly died this past week after struggling for years with a variety of physical problems.  She was one of those people who was eternally optimistic, preferred laughter over tears, and seemed to be always available to listen.  When we lived together as teenagers, I remember her asking me to take her car one day over to the local McDonald's so as to get us a carryout.  Her car at that time was this massive station wagon that had obviously seen better days.  After parking the car and getting our order, I found it impossible to back out of the parking lot to return home.  Back then, cell phones were just a dream;  I had to think fast.  I noticed a couple of guys our age in the parking lot and asked them to push the car out of the space for me and see if that didn't help.  As it turned out, once the car was facing forward, I could drive it back to the house.  When I arrived, my friend said "Hey, how come our food is cold!"  I said, "Hey, how come your car doesn't drive in reverse?"  Her reply, "Oh, I forgot to tell you about that!"  We laughed and laughed;  now she is gone having been taken way too early from this world we shared.

Life is full of messes and blessings.  As I prepared to attend my friend's funeral visitation today, I watched bits and pieces of "Barney's Version", a 2010 film starring the actor Paul Giamatti.  If ever there was a movie that presented what a series of messes and blessings can look like in a person's life, this one is it.  Not unlike my friend, "Barney" makes a series of choices in his own life that resulted in a series of extremely positive---as well as extremely negative---outcomes.  Not unlike you.  Not unlike me.  So long as we are here, we will believe things, feel things, and do things that aren't the best for us.  That's just how it is.  For those of us who want to "be" and "do" better, we must practice doing so every single day, which is a lot like swimming upstream.  Complicating this process is the fact that what we, ourselves, "want" to improve on may not be what we get improved on in this lifetime.  My friend struggled in recent years with being able to walk without the use of a walker or wheelchair;  she died without realizing her goal.  Yet her attitude was always positive.  Which is the mess and which is the blessing in that case?  To me, having and maintaining the right attitude in spite of our messes which don't go away is the biggest blessing.

Anyone who struggles with chronic insomnia understands the need for "peace" in order to sleep soundly.  Anyone who struggles with an eating disorder understands the need for "peace" in another form in order to eat properly.  We all have our demons.  We all struggle with things we wish we didn't have to struggle with.  Yet, in the end, cultivating peace both inside and out is a key regardless of what we can and can't control.  When learning about and practicing peace is an ongoing personal pursuit, we won't go wrong.  When we open the door to allowing inner peace into our lives, the rest that goes along with it comes also.  Joy and patience come immediately to mind....just like what I saw present within my friend in spite of her personal circumstances. 

We can rest in peace before we read R.I.P. on a gravestone.  I am grateful that my friend knew Who to turn to in finding and practicing that peace before she was taken from this earth.  Goodbye my friend...for now.

 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

How Do You Experience Me?

When it comes to a person's relational style, we all have our preferred favorite(s).  I can recall when I was a 20-something green upstart fresh out of college and working at a large organization in their marketing research department.  One of my colleagues was a 35 year old married woman who looked like she stepped out of the latest issue of Vogue.  Very well put together, hair done nails done..you know "everything big" as Drake likes to tell it.  Then came the day when my colleague shared her secret to corporate success with me.  I had felt like she hit me over the head with a lead pipe.  Her words, not mine:  "I just act dumb or flirt and that usually gets me what I want."  From that moment on, I couldn't wait to get out of that department...that organization...and that industry.  Which I eventually did....

Thinking back to "Suki" and knowing what I do now about relational styles and how we adopt them...she ascribed to the classic "Party Girl" relational style.  Highly ambivalent in general about most anything put before her, "Suki" was constantly angling to achieve the most benefit for the least effort.  She shamelessly flirted with our department manager every day;  she was the type of woman who gave a bad name to the rest of us who actually put in a full eight hours day in and day out.  As a "Party Girl", Suki's behavior was also unpredictable, along with her moods.  Ultimately, Suki's "party girl" status meant that she was filled to equal measure with contempt---both directed towards herself and others.

Relational styles represent the patterns of behavior we employ as we interact with the world around us.  The more "disturbed" we are, the less able we are to even put up the basic "shields" that protect us from being blatantly dysfunctional in front of whomever and wherever.  After all, it does take some "work" to present and maintain even a superficial (and positive!) image of ourselves in public.  We have to be at the very least clean and neat enough, dressed appropriately, and speak like a human who made it past middle school.  Yet our relational styles (once we get past that first seven-second impression of one another!) gives us away every time.  "Party Girls" and "Seductive Boys" are those individuals who are fickle, indecisive, avoid sustained responsibility, and just want to feel good in the present moment.  Ambivalence is their big central theme of relating to others.  Going with the flow can work in some circumstances of course, but not when it becomes the desired end result in all circumstances and at all times.



 
 

Monday, January 13, 2014

The Truth About Lying...

Fyodor Dostoevsky, the famed Russian novelist, said it best about the topic of lying:

"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others.  When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satifying his vices.  And it all comes from lying---to others and to yourself."

Lying has come up a lot lately as a topic of discussion in my life and practice.  I've had friends, family members, and clients discover some extremely uncomfortable truths about their partners;  it has led to many tears, much confusion, and tremendous self-recriminations.  Unfortunately, the "shock" of  being lied to can't be avoided when it happens to you---or to me.  Even worse, when we find out that the single "lie" which has been discovered is, in truth, just one in a series of lies which came before it.  That's when lying feels like a knife to the heart---that has been definitely twisted around and around more than a few times.

In spite of Dostoevsky's take on what happens spiritually speaking when we lie, I want to explain if I may what causes us to lie in the first place.  Not everyone is familiar with the concept of a "False Self", but it is this very real psychological phenomenon that is, in my opinion, at the root of all lying behavior. 

To begin, let's look at the term "personality".  The latin root of this word is "persona".  Persona refers to the theatrical masks actors wore back in the day to either (a) disguise their true identity, and/or (b) to present a particular "mood" to one's public depending on the situation or circumstance.  As such, one's "personality" is defined as representing the consistent patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors we each cultivate in order to best "do" our lives and relationships.  I'm paraphrasing the experts by putting it that way, but that's about it.  We each have develped our own "persona" as children----hopefully based on the truth of who we authentically are and not just what we "want" to present to the world around us.  When our "persona" is based on how we believe we "must" be as opposed to how we "truly" be....we risk giving ourselves over to that version of ourselves which is more false than true.  Hence, the False Self can ultimately end up being more of "who" we are on a day-to-day basis than our authentic and genuine selves.

So why the False Self?  As human beings, we all want to be loved, accepted, and approved of.  We want to feel like we matter and are of value.  We want to know it is "o.k." to be who we are without judgment or criticism.  Well...can you imagine how difficult this is to achieve when we don't "truly" accept and love ourselves as we genuinely are in the first place?  The temptation to put on a false persona is very high once we figure out that the way we are is "not" okay...but the way we act in front of others can be "very" okay if we do the job right.  Shakespere himself once said that "All the world's a stage."  Well...that may be true, but only for those who are "acting" at being whomever they believe they need to be in any given moment or situation.  Can you imagine how difficult it must be to be "on" 24/7 in order to feel acceptable to onself...or to other people.  This is certainly true when "who" we are to others is not a reflection of the truth---but of the lie (or series of lies) we have created in developing the best false persona/self we can come up with.

I remember back when I was 18 and hitting the bars with my single friends.  We'd start out the night saying "Okay, who are you going to be tonite?"  We'd come up with the most outrageous names and occupations;  we made up the cities we lived in and how we lived.  At the time, it was all a big hoot.  Until one of our friends started dating a guy and didn't find out until months later that he never gave her his "real"name to begin with!  Ouch.  Now in 2014 things aren't much different, except for the fact that groups of friends don't typically plan together "who" they will be en route to the bar.  Instead, individuals plan this stuff all by themselves and in their own heads without anyone knowing about it---until unsuspecting victims (like my one friend) stumble across the uncomfortable truth when they do.

I have known people who lied about their formal education ("Yeah, sure I graduated from Michigan."  (Only 10 credit hours short of any degree that is...or meaning from the "state" of Michigan and not the University of Michigan!)  I knew of a family where "grandpa" had another whole family (meaning another partner and children) in a different neighboring city---as did his adult son once he grew up.  I have known women who play Lady Gaga on Friday nite, Real Housewife on Saturday, and Mother Theresa on Sunday morning.  The most blatent cases?  "I have a secret to tell you;  I was born a man."  Really?  See what  I mean.  The lying can just go on and on and on in all kinds of ways when we don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

Nobody likes to think that the lies we tell can amount to anything that "big" as characterized above, but believe me they can and they do over time.  Whatever the nature of the lie or lies that have been spun, it still all boils down to wanting to present and preserve one version of reality when the truth reflects a whole other version of reality.  It's not so complicated as it is terribly sad.

When a person has made a very bad habit out of lying, it tells me that they still struggle with "who" they authentically are...and still does what comes naturally (aka "lying") when feeling vulnerable.  Lying is never the solution to this type of issue.  Yet until we understand how lying fuels the original problem of not accepting and loving oneself "as is"...it will continue to occur just as those raging fires do during our dry west coast summers. 



 

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

"Golden" Child Gone Wrong....

In the culture I was born into, the euphemism "Boys rule and girls drool.." rings more than true.  A baby boy born within this culture means everything.  The family surname will be carried on into at least the next generation (but hopefully for generations to come)---the boy child(ren) can and will demonstrate the overall strength of the family line---blah blah blah.  Needless to say, being born a boy for our culture was akin to being born "golden".  The golden child who was supremely gifted with good looks, athletic and/or academic talent, a charming personality, etc. etc.lies  at one end of the spectrum.  At the other end, the golden child who can do no wrong, on whom special favors were and are granted, and who will "one day" bring new heights of respectability to the family name in spite of having nothing going on to back that check up.

Everyone knows of someone who was their family of origin's "golden" child.  Many only children are raised in this way.  Sometimes, it is the first born child (male or female) who inherits this "golden" status.  However it comes into being....being brought up as the golden child has its perks.  Yet what happens to those golden children who don't measure up to others' expectations?  When the golden child has a drug problem or gets divorced one too many times?  When the pressure of being "perfect" on the job leads to ulcers, migranes, and multiple job changes?  What happens when the golden child goes wrong and sees no hope for his or her future anyway?  How does one move past his or her own former golden child status and create a better and happier life for oneself if that is at all even possible?

"John" is one such former golden child now aged 35.  When John was younger, his parents made it abundantly clear that he was their one and only hope for the future of their family.  John's elder sister Sarah was, for lack of a better way to put it, a slacker.  Sarah never finished high school---barely made it through cosmetology school---and preferred partying over all else.  John's younger brother Ben did all right enough, but left the state several years earlier and rarely came back to visit.  John was very aware of the pressure being put on him by his parents given what they said and how they behaved ever since he entered high school.  "You'll put your brother and sister to shame in your life and career", his mother often told him.  "You are so much smarter than your sister and brother put together", his father said time and time again.  Even John's grandparents and older relatives would manage to get their opinions in at family gatherings, which made John feel extremely uncomfortable.  "I mean my sister and brother are sitting right there and my grandfather pipes up loud enough for everyone to hear and says "We'll all be working for John one day if he'll let us."  "Who does that?" John asked me.  My answer?  The parent or grandparent of their golden child, that's who.  In John's case, his rebellious streak led him to leave abruptly and move to Hawaii "to get as far away as possible and where they could not check up on me".  John works at a local restaurant and loves everything about his present life.  "I don't make a lot of money--I'm not married and I don't have any kids which I know my parents were expecting by this time in my life---but it's all good", claims John. "I lead my own life and it's all mine."  Well, that's one way of resolving the issue.  Or is it...?

The tragedy of the golden child syndrome is that each and every one of us born into this world is, each in our own and unique way, absolutely golden.  There is no other person on earth who exists just like you---or just like me.  We each have our own unique set of talents, skills, capabilities which, taken together, make us uniquely qualified to do what we have been designed to do in life.  We are ALL valuable.  We ALL have a unique purpose to fulfill while we are here.  We ALL matter equally.  Nobody else is better than you...and you are better than nobody else.  (Think Abe Lincoln here folks!)  The problem arises when only some of us are singled out by parents, or teachers, or the other adults in our lives who say to us, "But YOU are more special than (insert name(s) of compared-to-sibling(s), relative(s), friend(s), neighbor(s), classmate(s), or other peer(s) here).  The press releases about how great and wonderful we are decieve us into believing that others can see truths about us that we ourselves can't see or, worse yet---are trying to fit us as a proverbial square peg into some obsure round hole of another's making. 

As young children, we don't have the intellectual capability to say to our parents, "Hey, quit acting like I'm perfect and my sister here is garbage." or "Are you sure you know who I am for real because it sure doesn't sound like it to me!"  We just don't know what we just don't understand.  My own 89 year old aunt often told me how my grandmother "hated" my mother but treated my aunt like gold as they were growing up during the depression.  "I don't know why your grandmother did not like your mother so much, but I couldn't do anything about it."  Well...that was true when my aunt and mother were little children, but what about as they grew into their teens, and young 20s---until each of their parents finally passed away in the early 1950s?  In the end, my "adult" aunt vascillated between behaving like Shirley Temple (on her good days) to Baby Jane (as in the Betty Davis version!) when stressed....while my mother was a flat out train wreck of bitterness, anger, venom, and vitriol her entire adult life, period.  Oh geez...do I believe my aunt being raised as the "golden child" had anything to do with the way they each consistently chose to behave and function as adults?  You bet your sweet bippee I do!

To be golden in my book is to be authentic with oneself and others each and every day while we are here.  To be golden is to be self-aware of not only your gifts...but of your limitations.  Once aware, being golden is to work on making those positive changes only we ourselves can make to feel and be more confident, competent, content with what we have, and flexible in the face of adversity.  I have seen adult who, as children, were told that they were "stupid", "idiotic" and "won't ever amount to anything in life."  Primary and secondary school was an abysmal experience for these adults as they were growing up.  Yet...by agreeing to "try" community college classes or other vocational training, the vast majority were and are amazed at how much "better" they did "in school" than they ever imagined possible.  That's what making and practicing positive change is all about.  Labels are for cans...not for people.  We are all here to ultimately walk each other home.  Don't let the labels of your past like your "golden" or "NOT" golden status prevent you from being and doing your very best...one day at a time.

You may have been a golden child gone wrong...or the sibling of a golden child you grew to resent and distance yourself from.  The good news is that "all of that" is done and over with now as soon as YOU decide it is.  Until next time....







 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Being Stuck....

In the field of psychotherapy, everyone who comes through our doors ultimately struggles with feeling "lost", "stuck", or some combination of the two.  No matter what an individual, couple, or family is suffering from----it does all boil down to whether one is feeling more powerless than aimless, more aimless than powerless, or both to varying degrees.

This week has been about my own personal initiation into the realm of "stuck".  As in literal stuck.  For those of us who live in SE MI, this has been the week from frozen tundra hell.  I don't know where you live, but for those of us residing in the Midwest and Eastern seaboard states, we have been frozen solid.  I never can remember in my adult life hearing that my local outside temperature was two below zero with a windchill of negative fifteen or twenty.  But that happened this week too.   When I went to go out briefly last night, I never made it out our driveway.  Then when I called for a tow truck to pull me out, they wouldn't come because our dirt road and dead-end street hadn't been plowed and they weren't willing to risk the drive over.  THEN when I called our county road commission this morning to plow our street, the man said "I can report it ma'am, but I can't tell you when they'll come to dig you out;  we've been awfully busy this week."  Yeah, right, whatever.

Needless to say this is day four of me being "stuck" in my own house and against my will.  This hasn't felt good.  As a matter of fact, it feels terribly uncomfortable.  When I look out the window of my office as I am in this very moment, I don't see a "Currier and Ives" rendition of some winter wonderland.  I see a white out.  I feel claustrophobic.  I feel like jumping out of my skin but there's nowhere to jump.  I feel like I've been stranded in the middle of the arctic with no hope for "De Plane!" showing up anytime soon.  I feel helpless, powerless, and tied up with a rope that has been wound around me tight from my toes to the top of my head. 

So what have I done, as a good psychotherapist, to practice what I espose to my clients when they struggle with their own "stuck" status?  First, I got sick and was prescribed a Z-Pack.  I read some hilarious books.  (Might I recommend David Sedaris' latest:  "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls", which is truly gut-splitting!)  I played Candy Crush Saga to level 32.  I laid in the bed and talked on the phone.  I watched "One Step Beyond" episodes on Matinee Classics t.v. for free.  I made dinners.  I did everything I could think of that was non-productive but made the time pass anyway.  And then I got sick of being sick and stuck.  I prepared for a meeting I have tomorrow morning;  I confirmed all my client appointments for the rest of this week;  I started writing this blogpost.  And I stopped feeling sorry for myself...and forged ahead anyway.

In my attempt to avoid another "stuck" phase like the one we just experienced, I suggested to my husband that we move to Maui, FL, and AZ for each month of December, January, and February next year.  I can see my clients via Facetime or Skype.  I can figure out where the dog will stay while we're in Maui and can't bring her with us.  And I certainly can say goodbye to this form of being stuck once and for all.  If Michigan is turning into Alaska before my very eyes, this is the LAST season I will allow myself to become frozen stiff over changes I can be better prepared for "next time".  In the meantime, stay warm and positive!  They say it's going to be in the 20's tomorrow...

Until next time...

 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Romance-izers....

The art of romance is a very interesting phenomenon.  I liken it to a gorgeously decorated and iced six-layer cake (think "Cake Boss" here folks!)....but once you cut into it, you have a 50/50 chance of seeing something (or nothing!) underneath that flowery surface.  Don't misunderstand me;  I do believe that "genuine" romance has its place in any primary love relationship...but not when it is misused and abused to control and manipulate one another.  Why and how could this be true?  There are several reasons.  "Romance-izers" (as I will refer to them now) just know how to work it.  They have figured out that flattery---grandiose "romantic" gestures---flowery language and promises----and idealization of their desired object of affection all "work" to keep their relationship in the clouds.  Kind of like keeping your feet firmly implanted on the air.  True romantics as opposed to romance-izers have discovered and genuinely appreciate "who" you authentically are as a person and celebrate you for your qualities and character traits;  however, they don't use romance-izing as a tool to distract you away from daily reality.  People still have to work...people still need to get and remain sober for more than a season...people still have to "do the right thing" whatever that thing is.  Romance, unfortunately, can be one heck of a way to communicate to another person the following:  "Just believe my b.s. about you and we'll be fine."  Yeah right.

From the receiving end of any romance-izer's output, very few men and women would ever think of themselves as being romance addicts.  Yet that's what we can and will become if we don't check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.  After all, it feels too good to be in a relationship with someone who keeps telling us how A, B, C, D, and E we are (all good!) and how nobody else that he or she has ever met compares to us blah-de-blah.  Who wants to have to question any of that?  It feels too good!  I myself can remember a time when an old boyfriend of mine used to say how "gorgeous" my eyes were and how they hypnotized him every time he looked at me.  Funny because when I tried hypnotizing him into getting a job and not quitting or getting fired after a few months---it never happened!  ;-)  After about a year, I remember thinking to myself, "This guy will do ANYTHING to avoid responsibility!  As many men and women do I'm just sayin....

Romantic gestures without the appropriate actions to back up real life in the USA circa 2014 mean very little over time.  Listen, could you live your entire life layin' up in a bed all day being fed chocolates from your loved one's hand?  Of course not.  Bills need to be paid....kids need to be properly cared for....people need to be functioning without the help of weed, beer, cocaine, or lots of adderall.  Yet the romance-izers among us want to make their dreams and their dreaming about idealized realities (or people!) the primary focus of their attention.  Probably the best romance-izer pile of b.s. I ever heard in recent months was the guy who had a girlfriend of over a year..but kept his ex girlfriend dangling with the ongoing "I never will love anyone as much as I loved you" mantra whenever they spoke.  Really?  Listen, I'd rather be alone and healthy than sick with someone who ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO BELIEVE HIS B.S. LIKE YOU DID AND STILL DO!

If we could all be flies on the wall in the lives of those who we have loved and left---or who loved and left us---I think we'd be pretty surprised at how the romance-izer's "game" rarely changes much from romantic prospect to romantic prospect.  It's kind of like the guy in the bar who keeps using the same line(s) to pick up a woman.  "Hey good looking;  where's your boyfriend?  You're too hot to be here on your own tonite."  I don't know why those on the receiving end of this type of b.s. are supposed to swoon like they've never been flattered in life before that moment...but it amazes me how many still do.  Even worse, when the man or woman left in the dust still pines after months or years about "the one who best understood me".  Give me a break.  Don't we see that's part of the game?  "I am the only one who KNOWS who you are."  "I'll kill myself if you leave me."  "I'm nothing without you."  About the only thing that really does happen after 5, 10, or 20 years post breakup is that the romance-izer is still at it...and the romance addict is still pining for and/or search for another Mr. or Ms. "Right" who'll adore them forever---or like the one who did at least "once" a long a** time ago....

Romance isn't for dummies...but romance-izers are.

Until next time.  And Happy 2014 too by the way!