Happy Thanksgiving...

Whether you are alone today....or surrounded by 100 people....we ALL have much to be thankful for.  We live in the United State of America.  If you prefer being elsewhere, nobody is preventing you from leaving---or going to your desired destination.  In many other countries on this planet we share, there is no ability to freely come and go as we please.  In those places, freedom IS just another word for nothing left to lose (as Janis Joplin once so aptly put it).  Are you free today?  If you are, you have much to be thankful for....

Are you a healthy enough person right now and in this moment?  A beloved pastor from Ypsilanti died this morning from Covid.  He was only in his mid 50's.  Did he or his wife and family ever imagine he would literally die on Thanksgiving day during their last Thanksgiving meal?  Highly doubtful.  When you have your health, you have much to be thankful for.

Is there someone in your life that you would like to reconcile with as you think about him/her/them today?  No time like the present to pick up the telephone and call.  Someone has to practice humility;  it might as well be you if you are reading this post right now.  Holding on to your anger, resentment, and bitterness is like drinking poison with the intention of your enemy dying as a result.  When you are able and capable of mending an otherwise estranged relationship, you have much to be thankful for.

Do you have a roof over your head, food in your pantry, and clothes in your closet?  If so, you are blessed! It is very challenging to live as a nomad without a home of one's own.  Nomadsland is one of the great movies you may want to watch this weekend to remind yourself of what others struggle with out on the open road day-in and day-out.  When you have your own place to call "My home!",  you have much to be thankful for.

On this Thanksgiving Day, my hope and prayer is that every one of us everywhere will stop and think about all that we have been blessed with, in spite of our present circumstances that challenge us.  Nobody leads a perfect life, because we are all imperfect people.  When we can adopt the proverbial attitude of genuine gratitude, we will see our lives change for the better from the inside out.  Getting better and being better is always an inside out job anway.  

Happy Thanksgiving.  Humility always wins.

Until next post...

The Drifting Mind...

How difficult is it for you to stay connected to your own real life reality on any given day?  I don't mean the reality that's up in your head as you drift back and forth from thinking about the past....to thinking about the future.  No, that's not the reality I am talking about here.  As easy as it may be for us to drift mentally from where we are "right now" to where we would rather be (or not be in some cases!) ...our own drifting mind habit can literally take us further and further away from real life and right now reality than we could ever imagine possible---or clearly understand.

When we make a habit out of drifting mentally from what's going on right now in the present...to somewhere else from our real or imagined past and/or the future...we are engaging in what I refer to as "on demand dissocation".  Have you ever heard of this term before:  "dissociation"?  Well, it's a legit human coping mechanism/behavior...and it is also a legit psychiatric diagnosis that may be present as part of another co-occurring mental health diagnosis---or not.  

On it's own and in its most extreme form, dissociation is referred to as "Dissociative Identity Disorder", formerly referred to as "Multiple Personality Disorder".  If you ever read the book or watched the movie "Sybil" featuring Sally Field, this was all about one woman's experiences with MPD at that time.  "The Three Faces of Eve" (another movie from the old days!) featuring Joanne Woodward (Paul Newman's wife) is another MPD-focused feature film.  There have been others;  the most recent I have seen is "Jane" which is a cable series documenting the experiences of a woman who has been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  People who are diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder are, in truth, brilliant people.  They figured out a way to "cope" with otherwise horrendous and personal traumatic experiences without killing themselves---or others---as a result.  In my book, the DID-ers among us are the true heroes of surviving survival when no one else could have.

Given that we have all "dissociated" at some time or another in our lives (3rd grade...staring out the window...thinking about what's for dinner tonight and what you will play when you get home...until you hear "BENJAMIN!  BENJAMIN JOHNSON! COME BACK AND JOIN US WILL YOU!?")---we generally do not acknowledge how our own drifting mind "habit" and dissociation can work together so well in taking us away from all sorts of unwanted and/or uncomfortable realities in our own lives.  More importantly, if we find that we can't remember more often than what would be considered reasonable to forget about...our "forgetting" problem may be tied in large part to our own habit mental drifting and dissociating.  Imagine the ability to quickly change channels in your own mind from "Present" to "Past" and to "Future" and back again.  When you can do this pretty seamlessly and without anyone else noticing...you may have a closer personal relationship with the practice of mental drifting and dissociation than you consciously realize.

What does dissociation look like in the context of my private practice with clients?  A client who struggles with their own drifting mind and dissociation will look you right in the eye---but they are looking through and past you.  They are "there" physically, but they are definitely checked out mentally.  I call my clients on it as soon as I see it happening...and it's like watching a pin ball machine re-calibrate itself after the "Tilt!" happens.  It may just involve a quick eyeblink or two...and that may be as subtle as it gets when someone goes from where they were mentally to returning back to the present.  When the drifting mind/dissociation habit is more entrenched, it can take a while for the "drifter" to come back to the here and now.  I have found myself asking, "Susan...where are you right now?  What's going on?  What are you thinking about instead of being here with me?"  If it takes several seconds or even a minute for "Susan" to come back...that's how it can go too.

If the individual with this drifting mind/dissociation habit also drinks alcohol or does drugs recreationally or to otherwise "cope"....especially those classified as "central nervous system depressants"....they will be more apt to dissociate when triggered and stay "there" (wherever "there" is in the past or future) longer.  Believe me, there isn't a drug house on planet earth where everyone there is stoned and debating the pros and cons of QAnon or having a dance party!  When we have made a habit out of dissociation, alcohol and drug use will exacerbate it more than anything else could or would!

Also, if you ever wondered why someone talked "at"you as if you were continuing a conversation with each other from somewhere in the past----chances are great they are dissociating "at" you also in that present moment!

I have had that happen to me so much in my life in a social context, it remains a mystery as to what it is about "me" that makes others so comfortable with dissociating "at" me.  "Hi Mary!  ...so Sherri told me that she was going to..."  (Who is Sherri?!?  Why do you think I know Sherri?  When have you ever talked to me about a Sherri when I am just seeing you now for the first time in five years?!")

Once, many years ago, my bff from high school told me she was working at her job---and someone I grew up with approached her and said, "Hey!  How are you Marianne?  Boy, you, I, and Mary sure had some great times in high school didn't we?  I loved hanging out with you two!"  HUH!?  She called me to ask if we hung out with this person in high school....and my response was "I haven't seen this person since junior high school!  So the answer is No!"  Yep, dissociation can be like that too!  People imagining real life scenarios from their own past or future often enough to the point of making those imagined scenarios real-life reality up in their own heads! 

Needless to say, the drifting mind habit is not one that remains harmless to oneself or others when left unchecked.  We are dissociating when we take ourselves "out" of the present and into some form of our past...or future...be it real or imagined....be it positive or negative in nature...and be it on a more regular than very infrequent basis!  What starts out as an easy way to "escape reality" can genuinely morph into a coping style and mechanism that can run and ruin us and our own "real" lives over time.

We can't let that happen. If you feel you have an unresolved issue with the drifting mind and dissociation...licensed professionals like myself are here to help you.  We really need to learn to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves---or others.

Until next post...

Avoidant Personality Disorder: What You Need to Know and Do...and NOT Avoid!

Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) is part of the Cluster C group of personality disorders.  So is Dependent Personality Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.  What does any of this mean?  It means that there are a WHOLE LOT of us who are, in our own thought life and associated relational style with others overly "avoidant", overly "dependent", and/or overly "obsessive".

To be avoidant to the extent of it impacting "everything" in one's own mind, lifestyle choices, and social relationships is a terrible way to live.  These are the folks have tremendous difficulty with forming and maintaining healthy enough social and/or emotionally intimate personal relationships.  You may not be able to tell in some cases, but in others...it's quite obvious.  AvPD'ers are basically obsessed with how they "present" to the world around them with a typically negative spin attached to any and all realities associated with social interaction or relationship dynamics.  YET, these are the same folks who are still searching for their own "favorite  person" or "magical thinking safety person" or "soul mate" (whatever one chooses to call him/her/them!).  There is a constant fear of embarrasing oneself, being judged harshly, not getting what one wants when one wants it ("She didn't send me a heart emoji back when I texted her one."  "He came for coffee but I kept thinking about if he liked the coffee, was it hot enough, did he think I was dressed o.k., do I look desperate because he's just a co-worker I don't know very well.." "Oh no, he says he has to leave now, NOOO!!!!!"), fear of being falsely accused of something....while at the same time blaming everything and everyone for "being who I am I can't stand me and it IS all my fault---but YOUR fault too for that time when you......... (fill in the blank)!!"

Yep, it's a hell of a hot mess way to live as an AvPD'er, no kidding!

Cluster C personality disordered people are the "anxious and afraid" bunch among us in an "on blast" kind of way.  Of course, they do NOT want anyone to recognize them as such;  that would be disaster!  They already doubt their ability to interact successfully enough with others;  I have witnessed AvPDers who can easily transition to "expert" status in conversation in order to protect themselves from harsh judgment, as one example.  Self-exposure, however, occurs when they begin littering their interactions with phraseology like "Well, you would probably...", or "I can tell you believe.....", or even more jarring, "how dare you say........to me right now!"  Huh?!?!  

In my case, I met a brand new client years ago who spent the first 15 minutes of our session telling me each and every way she harshly judged herself.  When she finished telling me all the reasons why she harshly judged herself, I replied by saying, "It's not a good way to live being so hard on yourself when you judge yourself like that."  You would have thought I told her to eat caca and die.  She became immediately infuriated and said, "You aren't supposed to judge me like that!  You're a therapist!"  OMG stop.  But that's what AvPDers do and how they roll.  "I" can tell you everything I do that I hate about myself...but don't YOU remind me of it too!"  Or like what one of my former clients told me as soon as I answered the phone one morning, "Now listen Mary, I don't want you to tell me the truth;  just tell me what I want you to!"  LOL!  Yeah, well---what can I say?  AvPDers like being in control too;  it's part of their overall makeup!  ;-)

In spite of all the strikes against themselves that AvPDers keep pursuing to protect themselves from shame, guilt, loneliness, hurt, anger, and confusion....they at the same time still want to create and maintain a sense of personal power, feeling "good" on demand, and avoiding (of course!) personal responsibility whenever possible.  Eek!  This is why you can experience AvPDers as extremely insecure, but at the same time extremely controlling;  extremely kind, but at the same time extremely demanding;  hyper-aware about so many things, but at the same time clueless to so many other things.

Some experts believe Cluster C personality disorders are the most difficult to treat successfully, if at all.  I don't agree.

Until next post...

 

  

Holidaze Time Is Here: Be Ready!

Every holiday season, we see an uptick in the number of incoming client calls as licensed psychotherapists.  It is not unusual, because anticipating the "holidaze" season can be extremely stressful and/or anxiety provoking for us.  As one example, all children are like sponges;  they feel the tension that is present within their home or someone else's when it's there.  Children also know when they are genuinely being paid full attention to---or not.  Talking at our kids is not the same as having a conversation with our kids. When we ignore our kids by not hearing or understanding them--and then responding to them accordingly, why do we wonder when they either shut down completely or go postal on us during the months of November and December?  Kids are not dumb.  They may have already figured out that going over to "grandma's" for Thanksgiving is NOT going to be something they actually look forward to for all the reasons they already know and have previously experienced!

Things get complicated (as we continue to age!) when we have members within our own immediate and/or extended family system who are of HSP status (Highly Sensitive Person).  I've blogged about this topic in past posts.  Being an HSP means that we process incoming information more deeply than the average person;  we are more easily overwhelmed by external forces (noise, lighting, fit and feel of clothing being worn, food being served, number of people around, etc.).  HSP's can also "read" the mood of any room they enter quite instantly without understanding why that is so, while at the same time possessing tremendous empathy and compassion for people in the general sense.  

Needless to say, being an HSP child, teen, or adult can often feel like anticipating a walk into heaven...or hell....as the holiday season approaches.  HSPs want to "be there" for everyone and have a lovely time, but they also know how much personal effort may be involved on a moment-by-moment basis to remain emotionally regulated.  It doesn't help matters when the HSPs among us have family members who are anything but sensitive to others as a general rule, let alone utterly oblivious to the concepts of human empathy and compassion when gathered together with their own family!  A perfect example is the HSP who has dietary restrictions (no dairy, gluten, or nut products)...yet sees nothing on the holiday table that he or she can safely eat!  How would that make YOU feel?  Just asking! 

Without continuing to go all psycho-babble on you, how about if I suggest some simple tips to experience more of the best of one's own upcoming holiday season without turning oneself inside out and/or falling into the "fight" "flight" "freeze" or "fawn" mode as we interact with others?!  O.K.!  So, here we go:

1.  Listen twice and much as you speak.  We were all created with two ears and one mouth.  There's a logic associated with that fact.  When you listen, you pay more attention and better understand who it is you are listening to!  I have actually had clients say to me things like "I didn't realize my grandfather was such a misogynist until I started paying attention to his "jokes" he told around the holiday dinner table!"  "My one uncle was telling me about my great-grandpa's invention, that I didn't even know he invented!  It was an amazing story!"  "I knew my mother always had a glass of something in her hand at Christmas, but I never really listened to her once she started spewing out the insults like it was her jam."  "My grandma was telling me about how her brother started this business in Greece after the war and it's still there today if I ever want to go there and see it!"  "I am the scapegoat in my family anyway, so the holidays were always about ganging up on me until I blew.  Which I did and still do like clockwork."  "My 3rd cousin on my dad's side is Jon-friggin'-Bon-Jovi!"  

When you listen instead of look for opportunities to blow your own horn 24/7...you may actually learn something you didn't know before!  ;-)

2.  If someone says or does anything you personally find offensive (from slightly to severely!)...IT IS OK for you to either pull them aside....or calmly say in the moment to them directly in front of everyone else that was there:  "I don't understand why you just said/did that.  Can you explain the meaning behind it?"  That's all.  Let that other person explain their motivation to you privately and/or to everyone who was present in that moment;  don't assume you already "know".  You don't know until you ask "Why?"...and they tell you.  If you in fact are the family "scapegoat", it is perfectly appropriate to confront the group involved in the scapegoating in a similar fashion.  Examples:  "I see that we've established a pattern here where my love life suddenly becomes a huge topic of conversation whenever we are together like this during the holidays.  Anyone care to enlighten me why MY love life is such a hot topic of conversation at family events?"  "Given the way you are talking to me right now, are you suggesting that I don't know how to think for myself without advice you are giving me right now that I didn't ask for in the first place?" "Why are you handing the baby over to me right now?  Do I look like his/her nanny because I'm not."  "Are you trying to hurt me right now, or were you just not thinking?"  "I don't know who you believe you are speaking to right now, but it's NOT him/her/them."

3.  Understand that you can always leave when things are quick to heat up---and nothing appears to be cooling down.  For example, two of your cousins start arguing with each other...and no one seems to be intervening to avoid the situation from devolving into something even more intense.  When you feel you are part of an audience watching a boxing match about to occur---it IS time for you (and/or your family) to quickly gather up your stuff and get the heck out of Dodge.  Leaving what looks like an impending doom scenario IS a viable option.  So just be ready and have your "stuff" ready wherever you put it so you can gather it all up quickly enough and just leave.  No time for goodbye kisses and hugs either.  Just get out and go home.  Now a days, I have been asked "Is it o.k. to leave when suddenly I smell marijuana in the air where I am?"  "What do I do if there is porn playing on the television set?" If you can't figure this stuff out, imagine if these same things were going on in front of a three year old child.  If you wouldn't want a three year old exposed to it, then it's time to adios.

I know.  It's very annoying.  Yet when we remain in denial or inappropriately irresponsible for doing the "right" thing at family events---the entire family continues to suffer and struggle through the same drama, different holiday event.  

And we have to wonder why people eventually decide to "stop" attending holiday events involving family members who bring this drama, crisis, and chaos with them wherever they are?  When you don't stand for something, you are truly choosing to fall for anything.  This is not a good choice when that "anything" includes whatever form and combination of abuse being targeted towards you...or someone else from your "own" immediate family.

Being ready during the holidays means you are able and capable of saying what you mean, meaning what you say, not saying it mean, but saying it on time in the moment...and to the right person/people involved (in the offensive behavior(s)).  When you can make a habit of doing this, you won't fall into the same traps and snares that may have taken you down in the past.

Or...you can always leave.  ;-)

Happy holidays 2021/2022!  Remain focused on the positive, but if the negative keeps showing up like a bad case of acid reflux...maybe it is time to create and/or discover your own "better" holiday gathering options!  

Until next post....