Object Envy....

I have always been one of those therapists who recommends movies to my clients on a periodic basis.  Often, there is no better way to bring a point (or two!) home than through a movie that addresses the same subject/topic/issue/problem that my client(s) face(es).

Just recently, I re-watched "Shopgirl" which was a movie based on a novella written by Steve Martin (the comedian who used to regularly appear on Saturday Night Live a 100 years ago).  Starring Martin and Claire Danes, I added it to my list of recommended movies for clients.  Why?  In this movie, the story line revolves around the subject of "objectification" and what that looks like when people are dating and/or become involved with each other.  At one point in the movie, Jason Schwartzman's character reads aloud from a self-help book when he tells Danes' character over the phone that he will try to stop treating her like an object and more like the human being (and equal) she really is.

In all my years of practice, this "objectification" issue is often overlooked by clients who are living it up close and personal in their own lives.  Many times, I am asked "What do you mean I treat myself and others like objects!?" O.K.  Let's go there.  Right now.

When you were a little kid, what was your favorite thing to grab onto and play with when you were any of the following:  (1) sad, (2) bored, (3) restless, (4) anxious, (5) happy, (6) tired, (7) lonely, (8) excited, and/or (9) angry?  Did I miss any feelings there?  If so, feel free to think about them too in this moment. 

Now...think about your answer(s) to the above-stated question.  Some little kids grabbed onto a doll.  Others grabbed onto a favorite stuffed animal.  This list would only be limited by your imagination.  Regardless if you grabbed some kind of toy or other "object" to make yourself feel "better" quickly...you may have instead chosen to grab something edible (or inedible) like candy, cookies, paste, mud...whatever!  Or you may have chosen to grab onto another little kid.  Like your brother or sister or the kid next door.  After all, what do little kids know about the real difference(s) between objects as distractions/playthings or people as distractions/playthings?  Not much.

Imagine now Victorian England in the late 19th century.  There was one prostitute walking the streets for every 12 men back then.  Oh geez.  Think we see a trend here?  One female "object" for every 12 men who wanted someone to play with or be distracted by in order to feel better fast.  Are you catching my drift here?  As Sherlock Holmes might say, "By jove Watson, I think you've got it!"

When we treat others like objects, we really don't care what they think.....what they feel...what their dreams are...what their sorrows have been.  None of that matters.  We just want to either play with them or have them play with us (however you define that!) when we feel like it.  That's all.  If they become boring, we can drop them like hot potatoes and find another someone (object!) to take their place.  It's no big deal.  Or so we believe.

When we treat ourselves like objects, a lot of our life becomes about maintaining the image or facade that'll keep us "relevant" to our fellow object seekers.  Using my Victorian England example, who wants to play with a fat old hag who's past it when there's a 20-something hottie right around the next street corner?  See what I mean?  Either way, it's a lose-lose proposition.  Treating others like objects and/or treating ourselves like objects only, in the end, leads to rivers of tears and regret.

It doesn't require a degree in sociology to understand that overcoming this otherwise very bad habit begins by understanding how we, as human beings, HAVE all been created "equal".  Nobody is above you...and nobody is beneath you in this life.  We are all equal in God's sight (however you define Him, Her, or It)...and, as such, nobody gets to "be the boss" of someone else without a second thought.  Got that?  If not, give me a call.  You need my help.  Stat.

 

Happy New Year...?

Probably the busiest time of year in any psychotherapy practice is that time both before and after the holidays.  As I have been asked so many times about the reason(s) why this is so, it seems that my response hasn't changed much over the past decade.  People seek help when they can no longer take feeling "lost" and/or "stuck" anymore.   It is pretty much that simple.  What isn't so simple to explain are the reason(s) behind what causes a person to feel lost and/or stuck in the first place. 

William Shakespere said it best when back in his day he penned the now-infamous quotation, "Expectation is the root of all heartache."  Yet I have spent entire sessions with individuals and couples to assist them in "getting" what Shakespere meant by this simply-stated sentence.  Now it's your turn....

Everyone in every relationship is going to have expectations about their relationship with the other person.  I don't care if we are talking about two friends in a relationship with each other, a parent and child, a couple in "love", an employer and an employee....it's all the same.  EVERYONE in EVERY relationship is going to have expectations about "how" the relationship they are in is "going to be" or "should be" or "needs to be".  It doesn't matter if these expectations are spoken or unspoken;  they will always be present.  That's our human nature.  If it wasn't the case, we would be open and willing to be in a "relationship" with anybody at any time and at any place.  But we aren't that way generally speaking now are we?  Do I have to get graphic about this?  Do you think that back in the 1950s a southern man wearing a white sheet on Tuesday nights to attend private meetings with other men wearing white sheets would be open and willing to enter into a friendship relationship with his town's African-American pastor?  Do you think that in 2013 a fitness-obsessed and twenty-something metrosexual male would recruit a sixty year-old fat and flabby alcoholic as his new best friend?  Uh, that would be a no.  This is what I'm talking about:  expectations!  We all have them.  Whether we talk about them out loud to one another or not.

Fast forward to YOUR own primarily "love" relationship.  Everyone has expectations.  Check.  Now what happens when your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband does or says something that REALLY disappoints you?  Do you say to yourself (or to them!) "Hey, no problem honey.  I accept the fact that you just pooped in the middle of the floor and walked away happy and proud!"  Of course not!  If you could do that, we'd all start calling you Mr. Zen Master o.k?  On the other hand, what do you do when someone you love and believe you understand so deeply (and vice versa!) pulls a major faux pas and they don't even realize it?!  Do you confront them appropriately and hope to resolve the issue at hand?  "Gee honey, I feel disgusted because you just pooped on the floor here and walked away.  Can you please clean it up and not do that anymore?"  Uh, generally speaking...that would be another no.  We typically have trouble speaking the truth to each other in a gracious way the "first time" something offensive occurs between ourselves and our significant other.  After all, if you confront your partner about their poop on the floor, what will YOU say or do if they confront you about your inability to come home within an hour after work ends each day?  See what I mean?  We all have expectations...and when we are DISAPPOINTED because they are not being met...we can find ourselves getting a bit (or a lot!) ANGRY over time as more and more disappointments pile up without being solved, resolved, or dissolved.

So, to recap:  we have expectations...the other person may not know what they are...we may not know what they are either...but we all sure know when they are not MET and cause us to feel disappointed.  Without solving, resolving, or dissolving the issue that caused that disappointment (and associated expectation!)...we will experience more disappointments as more of our own expectations are NOT met (or we are told about how the other's expectations of US are not being met!).  And when disappointments pile up...we become angry. 

After anger, we no longer focus on the offenses committed against us as being the problem...we begin to see the PERSON committing the offenses as the problem.  This is when RESENTMENT comes to roost and lives in the middle of a couple's relationship.  "Why do you poop on our floor all the time?  I have told you 1,000 times please don't poop on our floor!  Why can't you get it about no more pooping on the floor?  Do I make you poop on the floor for some reason?  What's your problem?!  Are you doing this just to make me crazy?  What have I done to you to deserve this?  If you don't get it together, I'm leaving you!  I've had it!"

See what I mean?  Resentment.  It's not a pretty third party in the midst of any couple's relationship that's for sure!  Once resentments start to pile up because now there are a NUMBER of expectations that are not being met by your partner (or vice versa!)...the next stop is BITTERNESS.  Once a person becomes bitter towards their partner, most couples end up going their separate ways through divorce, infidelity,...and in some extreme cases, death.

The good news is that bitterness towards your partner does not mark the end of the road, but can signal the need for a new beginning.  Instead of feeling extremely lost, stuck, or both...we can learn how to untangle all the bitterness that has wrapped itself around our lives as a couple.  When that happens, we realize that truly, "Expectation is at the root of all heartache."

Until the next time...Happy New Year!

January 2013