I write a lot of handouts for my clients as part of my practice. Not everyone gets around to reading what I offer...but that's o.k. I can't make anyone do anything. Just the other night, I had someone return to see me who I hadn't seen in well over two years. It was good to see him. What surprised me is what he said to me about the "most important" thing he remembered from our time working together. I mean, let's face it. Psychotherapists say a lot of things to their clients...and yet I am consistently blown away with what my past and present clients remember most about our time together...
In my former client's case...he said that when I told him that "Water always finds its own level..", that THIS was the truth that stuck with him most. Yes, there is a context to that statement whenever I make it in my office. Read on....
Nobody is genuinely so much better or so much worse than the person they are comparing themselves against. We, as people, most often choose our favorite family members, friends, and romantic partners based on how "comfortably familiar" we are with each other's brand of "this is how I am when I am "good" as well as "this is how I am when I am not so good"! Things go upside down and lopsided when we throw the codependent relationship lifestyle into this mix and there is the ongoing drama of "Who's the Master?" vs. "Who's the Slave?" in any given moment of the relationship! Not a good look!
Water always finds its own level. In the case of my former client---he couldn't figure out why he kept selecting women to date who looked great, smelled great, said all the right things, and pretty quickly evolved into "my person" for this client and the object of his desire. Yet---after so many months---a switch occurred. Instead of the sweet lovely open and agreeable-enough romantic partner he always fantasized about having one day (to marry in fact!)...the collective "she" transformed into a person with a WHOLE lot of drama and problems that he was shocked to discover (such as drinking too much, disorganized too much, shut down emotionally too much, messy household too much, didn't like to discuss more-than-superficial topics too much, etc. etc. etc.). The big bang came when he and his person planned to look at engagement rings together, and she just didn't show up for a scheduled meeting at an area jeweler's storefront.
"I seriously thought she got into a car accident", he told me. "When she and nobody else responded to my texts or phone calls trying to locate her that day, and then the next, and then the day after that, I was left literally dazed and confused."
As it turned out, his girlfriend exited the relationship and his life never to be seen or heard from again...
Water always finds its own level, because we keep choosing people who remind us of both the best and worst of our past and present relationship experiences that we, ourselves, are comfortably familiar with. Think about that. Of all the people you COULD have chosen as your bff, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, or your "favorite" confidante OR playmate...you did NOT pick (or be picked!) by any of them! You and your "person" chose each other how and when you both did--because you each ticked off the most bells and whistles AND alarms from one another than anyone else you met prior to each other!
Why do you think we get into this "immitation as the highest form of flattery" stuff when we first meet someone? We either want to show them "I am just like you!" or "You are just like me!" in order to---to what? To IMPRESS each other in the ways mentioned in my previous paragraph! If we find ourselves saying, "I don't know what it is! I just feel so "comfortable" with him/her/them like I've known them all my life!" blah blah de-blah! Yeah! That's how this water-always-finds-its-own-level thing starts up in the context of a "new" potential relationship! We want our new person to be the "most" comfortably familiar to us---in both the good ways and the bad---because we want to repeat the good stuff and fix the bad stuff like it is our "job". Ugh! Good luck with that!
Don't forget that! Once again, we want to repeat the positive experiences of our past when we select someone who "reminds" us of so-and-so who loved such-and-such just like he/she/they do now. Yet we want to fix the not-so-hot experiences of our past when we select someone who "reminds" us of so-and-so from our past...who we couldn't "fix" back then---but will attempt to fix now in our present relationship with our "new" person! Seriously?! This is not a good plan people! Why do you think couples say to each other stuff like "You're JUST like your father!" "You act JUST like your mother!"
Nobody can fix a broken person or relationship from the past with their "new" person from the present! In this situation, my former client's dad was an alcoholic. He was used to it growing up. With his current girlfriend, he saw the signs she drank too much, but there was that part of him that kept believing "I can fix that!" Seriously? No, you can't dude! You couldn't fix your dad...and you can't fix any girlfriend who drinks too much also, o.k.?!? But---he didn't get the chance to pursue "that" project---because she ghosted him before he got the chance!
In the case of my former client, he had an idealized vision of what his future "wife" would present like....and this last girlfriend of his was up to that challenge---until she couldn't fake functioning at "his" level anymore. "She told me I asked too many questions about her background..." "She kept teasing me when we'd be out that I was a "lightweight" drinking-wise..." "She would get visibly annoyed when I would walk into her apartment and start clearing stuff off the couch so I could sit down.." Even though I was willing to put up with all that---she got upset with me! And then she bailed on me.
Yes, in spite of this couple trying to initially find a compatible level of functioning that worked for both of them, they didn't. She just happened to bail first when she realized she set herself up for living a life with someone who wouldn't leave her alone with her dysfunctional thoughts, feelings, and habits as she had hoped. After all, who wants to be reminded of the work that needs to be done in one's OWN life? LOL! ("If I think of something I need to fix about myself...that's cool...but when someone else thinks of something I need to fix about myself before I do...NO THANKS NOT HAPPENING!!!")
Until and unless both parties in a relationship are willing to do the work to achieve their OWN level of compatibility that mutually satisfies both of them on an ongoing basis---they won't! And when it gets to that point, where neither party is equally invested in the 5R's of reconciliation, their relationship can end up in a dumpster somewhere---and on fire besides.
Don't work so hard only to have your current or prospective relationship(s) end up in the same dumpster now...or in the future. Know when to walk away when you notice what you do which sends flares up and out into the night sky that scream RUN FORREST RUN! This is because...
Water Always Finds Its Own Level!
Until next post...