Spring is Here: Start Stomping!

Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs) are a problem for all of us.  Some psychotherapy professionals call our ANTs negative "self talk";  others refer to it as our negative "core beliefs".  Whatever we call it, it happens to everyone and not just some of us.  I know I have mentioned before how the average person generates between 50,000 and 70,000 thoughts every single day.  Of these thoughts, over 90% of them we thought about yesterday too!  But here it comes;  over 80% of our daily thoughts are also NEGATIVE IN NATURE!  And you thought you were the only one who had issues with "stinkin' thinkin'"?  We all do!

This is why the ability to think about our own thinking...and challenge our own negative thoughts is a BIG part of anyone's healing, positive change, and personal growth process.  When we do not develop the helpful habit of thinking about our own thinking in this way...we end up believing our own inflated and/or pretty rotten press released about ourselves, about other people, and about the world around us.

We just can't help it in that it is MUCH easier for us to be subjective rather than objective about virtually anyone or anything we think about.  We tend to either wear rose colored glasses too much of the time...or black shades too much of the time.  We put false positive spins on people and circumstances that aren't truly as great or wonderful as we think (and believe!) they are;  we also put false negative spins on people and circumstances that aren't truly as bleak or horrible as we think (and believe!) they are.  We do this because it's easier to assume "we know" something that we don't really know about at all..until we ask and find out for ourselves.  And asking and finding out for ourselves can just be so much work to do!  We assume and presume so much about so many things...and so many people...it's like we're living inside a television screen acting out the same old script over and over again each and every day.  There is no room for change, no room for clarity, no room for a better and mutual understanding...no room for anything except what we ourselves "think"!

Over time and without appropriate intervention, we can end up living our own lives based on what we want to believe is true as opposed to what is authentically and objectively true.  Oh by the way, this is what denial looks like in case anyone forgot.  It is also a convenient excuse to behave exactly how we want regardless of the "truth" of any given circumstance or situation.  Have you ever seen someone melt down over a mistake made with their food at a restaurant? Kind of like that.  People have these major negative and over-blown reactions to otherwise honest mistakes...and can't pull themselves back together fast enough. Or...conversely, people find out something horrible like their kid has been being molested by "Uncle John" for the past five years---and then react like "Uh huh...do you mind passing the butter dear?"  All of this taken together leads to a person living in la-la land instead of real-life-right-now reality...and a person who doesn't believe anything outside of his or her own "thoughts" about ANYthing!

Stomping out our ANTs is what we do to challenge and then get rid of our own negative thoughts.  First and foremost, however, we need to be aware of the specific "species" of ANTs living in our own mind.  To stomp out random ANTs here and there isn't going to be as effective for us over the long haul if we don't even know what species our ANTs come from!  Kind of like when your house has "something" in it that is making noises within the walls, but you have to idea what "it" is exactly.  Unless you are working with a professional exterminator who knows what to bring with him or her to help identify the specific types of critters you have...and then stomp them out accordingly...you'll find yourself back where you started next time you hear noises in yours walls!

Next time, the first four of the nine different species of ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) we may struggle with and how each relates to your own life and experience with past and present ANT infestations!

See you next time...

Is There An Addict In Your Closet?

"Sam" (not his real name) is now 40 years old.  Sam is very attractive, very sweet, and very addicted to both alcohol and cocaine.  When Sam is low on funds, he'll drink cheap beer and snort Adderall.  When Sam is flush, it's all about Glenfiddich, a Cohiba (cigar), and some flake (high grade cocaine).  Sam has been in and out of rehabs ever since he was 17 years old...but, as Sam himself would say, "..nobody really quits unless they want to..."  Sam also believes he is capable of stopping his poly-substance abuse habit at any time.  "It's all about mind over matter...but if I don't mind.. then it don't matter.." is something Sam likes to say quite a lot.  

Sam's work history has been good enough because of parents who have their own business and who have allowed Sam to draw a paycheck from it since he turned 18.  Without their financial support, Sam could very easily be homeless.  Sam lives with his on-again off-again girlfriend "Sue", who owns her own house.  Sam claims that Sue is one of those few people who truly understands him and doesn't judge him harshly.  Sam is also the father of an eight year old daughter, who Sue is happy to care for when Sam has her on alternate weekends.  For all intent and purposes, Sam's life looks pretty on track considering he has enough people in his life who willingly enable his drug and alcohol use.  Without them, Sam's life would certainly fall apart...and quick.

For active addicts like Sam, finding and maintaining codependent enablers is crucial for Sam to continue drinking and using to the extent he does.  If the people in Sam's life who enable him could be described as the part of a house...they'd be the floor.  It is on their heads and shoulders that Sam walks through his life on a daily basis.  Without them to prop him up, he'd fall into the abyss of his own making.  Much like the narcissist and the codependent dynamic I discussed in a recent post, Sam has found himself a whole lot of people who are willing to make Sam the center of their universe...rather than just a part of their lives.  All Sam has to do is....whatever he wants.  All his enablers have to do is make sure Sam doesn't end up homeless...or money-less...or leave them.  Sam has a whole lot of power (over his codependent enablers)...a whole lot of pleasure (via his substance use and abuse)...and a whole lot of constant opportunities to avoid facing the wreckage he has made of his life (and the responsibilities that go with it)!

When Sam was about to turn 42, he was arrested and convicted of mortgage fraud.  Turned out that his parents' money wasn't enough to keep Sam flush.  Just prior to his imprisonment, Sam hung himself.  He had told one of his friends that he'd rather die than end up in prison..though his friend didn't take Sam's words seriously.  At Sam's funeral, his parents and girlfriend were barely able to stand.  Sam's little girl wasn't there, and neither was her mother.  Everyone who knew and loved Sam kept saying "Such a tragedy...Sam was such a nice guy."  Tragedy indeed.  

Is there an addict like Sam in your closet?  Perhaps today is the day you need to take a hard look at your own role as a codependent enabler in the life of someone you love and care about.  Contrary to the truth, there is nobody whose love, care, and support will "save" or "rescue" or "fix" an active addict.  Regardless of the lies you have told yourself, the longer someone remains addicted...the more "sick" they become physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  At some point, their constant complaints of feeling or being suddenly "sick" (with symptoms very similar to a bad flu) are merely signs of them going through withdrawal. This is when the addict realizes that he or she needs more of the same drugs or different drugs to avoid becoming "sick" once again.  Ultimately, the active addict is at risk of having a brain seizure (and dying) when their regular pattern of alcohol and/or drug use suddenly stops...or starts back up again.  Like what happened to Amy Winehouse after she detoxed and then went on a bender.  Like what happened to someone I knew who was truly sick with a sinus infection....didn't drink her regular fifth of vodka that day...and never woke up the next morning.  Others, not unlike Sam, turn to criminal activity in order to finance their growing habit.  Since 80% of the prison population in this country are abusers of alcohol and/or drugs...you can see how this is a catastrophic problem in our culture.

Al Anon and Nar-Anon are just two groups that cater to the family and loved ones of active addicts.  You may not be able to rescue, fix, or save anybody else, but you can learn how to manage yourself and the more "appropriate" interactions with the addict in your closet.

See you next time...

The Narcissist & The Codependent: A Match Made in Hell

Not all narcissistic men or women appear "inappropriate" to the outside world.  As a matter of fact, some of the most seasoned of narcissists are quite "conformed" (on the surface that is!) to their own perceptions of the majority's world views which surround them.  This is to say that they are the ultimate of chameleons;  they appear however they believe they "need" to appear in order to blend in with their surroundings.  I have worked with and have known highly narcissistic males and females who are leaders within the church...who volunteer their time regularly to "good" causes...and who have their partner both wrapped around their finger and under their thumb simultaneously.  You see, narcissists have to be in complete control, or everything is in complete chaos.  With their inordinate need for attention, for admiration, and for validation...the narcissist will stop at NOTHING to ensure his or her own needs satisfaction.  Our problem, as the general public, is that we have this mental image of narcissists ALL behaving as haughty, entitled, and dismissive King and Queen babies easily spotted from a distance.  Although true for a segment of this population, there is that other, much larger, segment that we keep choosing to ignore. The outwardly kindest appearing, socially conservative, most "Godly" person you know (as one example) can very often be a raging narcissist behind their own closed doors.  For the codependent spouse and children of such such a person, life is a series of confusing hypocrisies---neglect---rejection---and of course "putting on the good show".

The codependent partner of a narcissistic male or female needs to bask in the glow of their spouse's artificial light at every turn.  Codependents, if you may remember from past posts, are addicted to their own need to be needed.  Of course it gets to be too much to be needed by "everyone" in their lives---so they usually zero in on a single individual as their life's work (and focus of their "care").  Who better than the narcissistic partner?  Because codependency, by its very nature, allows it's participants to flip flop back and forth between functioning as "takers" and functioning as "givers"...the poor codependent doesn't nearly get to be a "taker" as often as he or she hopes (especially when in relationship with a narcissist!).  Narcissists aren't that easily fooled.  "Oh darling, you'll feel fine.  Forget that you just went through a difficult hospitalization and were told by your doctors not to exhaust yourself.  I'm with you!  You'll be fine!  I'll take care of you!"  As she shleps the luggage out the door to the car because hubby is "busy right now".  As she hacks and coughs her way to the airport but can't stop at CVS to get cough drops because "we'll be late to the airport".  As she sweats on the plane and wants a drink of water but he says "Quit rifling through that bag you're making a racket!"  See what I mean?  It's a match made in hell for sure and 3/4 of the time...the participants involved don't even want to know it!

When you sense that your partner often seems to manipulate reality to make themselves be and feel most comfortable...chances are very high you have hooked your star onto a narcissist.  I knew of an elderly couple where the male gave their entire nest egg away to a younger family he was distantly related to in order to ensure his own care and comfort when his time came.  When it did, this family only had him for one day before returning him to his long suffering and highly codependent wife.  He ended up in a nursing home and died fairly miserable.  His wife, still not understanding the magnitude of his choice to give away all of their money, kept repeating she had a "fabulous life" with this man because...???  Because she didn't know any other way to BE except as a codependent servant to her husband's every whim.

The true victims of true injustice in this toxic coupling are those children who are created and/or dumped in the middle of this dynamic.   Because they don't know any better, they are pretty much doomed to grow up and repeat what they witnessed in their own adult lives.  I know.  I see it often enough in my practice.  I've seen it often enough in my life also.

The Narcissist and the Codependent are NOT a couple you would want to get to know any better, unless of course you are comfortably familiar enough with a similar dynamic to begin with...

Until next post....