Divorce is a nightmare. I understand that. Yet I NEED divorcing and divorced parents to understand that their minor child(ren) (under the age of 18) are forever affected by such a traumatizing change and shift in their life---as they once knew it. As I type that...I am NOT referring to children who have been actively abused (physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally) by one or both of his/her/their parent(s). Children of divorce have enough trauma navigating their way through parental separation, custody-related issues, and the divorce itself being finalized. When one or both parents add their chosen "person" to this hot mess of a fractured family dynamic, double that trauma for the child(ren) involved. EVEN IF your "beloved" new love interest invented Instagram...it doesn't impress those kids who are now having to make room for another adult human of unknown or yet-to-be-determined character into the middle of their own day-to-day life!
When children are stuck with an undiagnosed and/or improperly treated mentally ill parent (or two! or three! or four!) and/or actively abusive adult role models (parents, bfs, gfs, "friends" or roommates of mom or dad, etc.)..think about the impact all of that would have on top of pre-existing grief over the loss of one's family of origin?!! Sheesh!
Are divorcing or divorced parents that short-sighted? Are divorcing or divorced parents that asleep at the wheel? Are divorcing or divorced parents that narcissistic? The answer to these questions, while an adult parent is going through the divorce process is this: PRETTY MUCH!
As parents experience separation and divorce, it is the rare MINORITY who genuinely maintain a consistent and rational focus on the care, nurturing, proper role-modeling, and general well-being of their minor child(ren) throughout the process--AND BEYOND! The rest of the parental universe unfortunately expects heroism above and beyond the call of duty from their kid(s). Doesn't anyone understand how difficult this is when the child(ren) involved have their OWN mental health and/or executive functioning and/or "survivor"-based issues (of abuse and/or parental neglect!) to contend with? Come on people! Wake the EFF up about your minor kid(s)!
One typical dynamic I have witnessed are the parents who have zero insight about using (yes, I said USING!) their child as an emotional crutch in order to make themselves feel better about themselves on demand. "Oh, where would I be without you my precious boy!" "I love you so much my darling little dance princess! I would just die without you in my life!" OMG STOP! You don't think parents do this? It gets worse! "Your mommy and daddy love you, but we just couldn't get along anymore so we had to get a divorce..." HUH?!?! What do you think that teaches a 9 year old about resolving problems together as a couple? Absolutely NOTHING! What it teaches a child are the following: (1) "It must be my/our fault (the kids!) because they did not want a divorce until after I/we got here.. (2) "It's o.k. to get a divorce when parents don't get along anymore..." (3) "Parents don't know how to solve their problems with each other..." and (4) "My daddy/mommy/both of them don't care about what happens to me/us anymore...because they are getting divorced/are divorced.."
By the way, this brand of divorcing or divorced couples rarely contact someone like myself for assistance because their own pride and arrogance are running their show. The active addicts are the worst. They won't come into therapy unless they are forced to by the court system, no kidding! Their kids are rarely thought of much beyond how "easy" or how "difficult" it is having them around in any given moment!
...and are you still wondering why minor children exhibit the "symptoms" they do when their parents are a hot mess of dysfunction themselves? Give me a break!
In my own work with minor children of divorce...typically brought in to see me for some "other" reason (ADHD, anger issues, inappropriate acting out, not wanting to attend school anymore, etc.)...we go there. We go there as to their perceptions of how the "D" word has affected them in their own lives. At first, many are shut down enough to respond with "Huh? What?" because they have so shut down and repressed their own feelings about "What happened to me when my parents got divorced.."
Amazingly enough, kids are typically quite resilient. Even if they are severely compromised in the area of their own executive functioning skills (meaning ADHD!)...they are capable of unlocking those doors to their own hearts by beginning to share what happened to them as a result of their parents' split. And to be able to do that in a safe-enough environment is very freeing. It is their first step in being able to receive their OWN healing, without any distraction or deflection OR denial on the part of one or both of their parents...
Even though parents may remain a hot mess until they each pass away from this world into the next one, nobody wants to see the minor child(ren) of these same parents live only to re-enact the drama, trauma, and bullsh** their parents' legacy left them with. I'm here to help break that cycle of self-destruction.
It is never too late to get good enough help for yourself and/or your minor child(ren). Go to www.psychologytoday.com to find a listing of licensed psychotherapists, psychiatrists, and support groups within your chosen zip code area. Help is available for you and your family.
Until next post....