When I meet with couples for the first time, one of the things I do is explain the three basic categories of relationship lifestyles that they may otherwise be unaware of. The first is called "Parallel Living" which has to do with couples who each "do their own thing" in their relationship...and every once in a while get together for some "intimate" sharing (whether that sharing is emotional, physical, or both). Generally speaking, however, this type of relationship follows the precept "You do your thing and I'll do my thing." If it sounds strange to think about, consider all the "older" married couples or life partners who you already know and who live like this. Each seems to be perfectly content to just do what they do without considering "the other" before doing it. If there is something that comes up which requires they both be present, they may or may not comply---it just depends. This type of relationship dynamic can "work" if both parties are active, busy, and have their own social circle separate and apart from their partner. This in no way represents an "ideal" relationship scenario...but it is one that many MANY couples can fall into without even realizing it. In this case, both parties are "masters"; masters of their own schedule...their own needs' satisfaction...and their own happiness. If they "connect" with each other...it is not a regular occurrence and certainly not a "goal" of the relationships overall. There is too much else going on to occupy each partner's mind and focus.
The second relationship dynamic most common among couples is the "Codependent Trap". In this case, each partner flip flops with the other in functioning as either a "master" (taker) or a "slave" (giver) in their relationship with each other. If kids are involved, they too can easily fall into the trap of functioning as a "master" (over their parents or siblings) or a "slave" (doing whatever they must in order to make sure mom, dad, sister, or brother is o.k. "first" before themselves in the household). The frequency with which this flip-flopping goes on can be dizzying to say the least. I have seen couples switch between master and slave status in my office several times just over the course of an hour! How this type of dynamic is lived out can appear complex and confusing...but it really isn't once you boil it all down to "Who is the master here?" "Who is the slave here?" (In any given circumstance, in regards to any specific "issue", in relation to work, care and maintenance of the kids, how leisure time is spent, sexual activity, etc. etc.)
Salvatore and Imogen was one such "codependently trapped" couple. Imogen and Salvatore once enjoyed a lifestyle that allowed them to travel freely, buy and sell property, and live the otherwise "good" life. Salvatore was the owner of several automobile repair shops and business was good. Imogen had never worked anywhere full-time for very long; she had known Salvatore since high school and once they "hooked up" in senior year...that was it for her. She knew she wanted to be married to Salvatore and have his babies. That was all that mattered to Imogen. Which was fine "at the time" for Salvatore too. After high school, Salvatore bought a share in a relative's repair business; over the years he worked his way up and out of that business and into another. And another. And yet another. By the time Salvatore was 28 years old, he owned six shops and was on top of the world both financially and relationally with Imogen. If she wanted to go shop at Somerset every day of the week it didn't matter. "I loved her and I wanted to give her everything she wanted", Salvatore told me. I get it. I really do. Sal was the "master" when it came to the making and disbursement of this couple's finances. Imogen was not. "But she could spend whatever she wanted so she was a master too wasn't she?", you may wonder. No she was not. Why not? Because when Salvatore decided one day to pull the plug on Imogen's "out of control spending" (his words..not mine), he did. She was now financially powerless. He took her credit cards and cut them up; he also insisted on providing her with only enough cash to purchase "necessary" items such as groceries and gas for her car. In this case, Salvatore was the master of this couple's finances...and Imogen was the slave. She just didn't know it until she no longer had access to their financial resources and couldn't do a darn thing to change it...unless of course she got a job.
The codependent trap is generally unrecognizable because very few couples want to think in terms of what they "must" have or what their partner "must" be like in order for the relationship to be "good". I actually had a young man tell me about his girlfriend's new job and how she "has great insurance now" as he smiled and winked at me. What did that mean? Well...considering I know this young man quite well, it meant that her insurance was a good thing if they ever got married as he had none and would probably never get it on his own (another story for another time). Although it's sometimes hard to fathom the idea that people get together as couples while also considering "Well, she brings this to the party and she brings that..." or "He's great in the sack so that's enough for me!"...or "He'll love my four kids because he loves me!", believe me---it's happening all the time. Master/slave. Slave/master. Flip flop.
The third and most "ideal" relationship dynamic is one where the couple respects each other as equals---and functions accordingly. There is no more "master" or "slave" as in the case of the codependent trap lifestyle...and achieving authentic intimacy is an ongoing goal of the relationship. Although one may work full time and the other may not, in this type of relationship it is clearly understood that "this is o.k. and this is how we agree to function as a couple given that reality". Nobody arbitrarily "takes" or "gives" without considering their partner. Nobody sneaks or plots; everything is out in the open. And as part of this dynamic, there is continuous sharing (communication which allows for each person to comfortably identify and express their OWN feelings, needs, wants, and desires to the other in a timely manner...while ALSO accepting one another's "yes", "no", or "maybe later" responses when asked for something). Wow. What a concept eh? This practice is at the heart of developing and maintaining true emotional intimacy in the relationship. And as that part of it is the "cake"....sex is the icing. Don't forget that either. Between achieving emotional intimacy and physical intimacy on a regular basis, it sure makes for some happy and content couples. Kind of like two slaves (to each other) instead of two masters---or a master and a slave.
Parallel living, the Codependent Trap, and True Emotional Intimacy. Which relationship lifestyle is yours...and which do you aspire to? Who is the master? Who is the slave? Who are you?
The second relationship dynamic most common among couples is the "Codependent Trap". In this case, each partner flip flops with the other in functioning as either a "master" (taker) or a "slave" (giver) in their relationship with each other. If kids are involved, they too can easily fall into the trap of functioning as a "master" (over their parents or siblings) or a "slave" (doing whatever they must in order to make sure mom, dad, sister, or brother is o.k. "first" before themselves in the household). The frequency with which this flip-flopping goes on can be dizzying to say the least. I have seen couples switch between master and slave status in my office several times just over the course of an hour! How this type of dynamic is lived out can appear complex and confusing...but it really isn't once you boil it all down to "Who is the master here?" "Who is the slave here?" (In any given circumstance, in regards to any specific "issue", in relation to work, care and maintenance of the kids, how leisure time is spent, sexual activity, etc. etc.)
Salvatore and Imogen was one such "codependently trapped" couple. Imogen and Salvatore once enjoyed a lifestyle that allowed them to travel freely, buy and sell property, and live the otherwise "good" life. Salvatore was the owner of several automobile repair shops and business was good. Imogen had never worked anywhere full-time for very long; she had known Salvatore since high school and once they "hooked up" in senior year...that was it for her. She knew she wanted to be married to Salvatore and have his babies. That was all that mattered to Imogen. Which was fine "at the time" for Salvatore too. After high school, Salvatore bought a share in a relative's repair business; over the years he worked his way up and out of that business and into another. And another. And yet another. By the time Salvatore was 28 years old, he owned six shops and was on top of the world both financially and relationally with Imogen. If she wanted to go shop at Somerset every day of the week it didn't matter. "I loved her and I wanted to give her everything she wanted", Salvatore told me. I get it. I really do. Sal was the "master" when it came to the making and disbursement of this couple's finances. Imogen was not. "But she could spend whatever she wanted so she was a master too wasn't she?", you may wonder. No she was not. Why not? Because when Salvatore decided one day to pull the plug on Imogen's "out of control spending" (his words..not mine), he did. She was now financially powerless. He took her credit cards and cut them up; he also insisted on providing her with only enough cash to purchase "necessary" items such as groceries and gas for her car. In this case, Salvatore was the master of this couple's finances...and Imogen was the slave. She just didn't know it until she no longer had access to their financial resources and couldn't do a darn thing to change it...unless of course she got a job.
The codependent trap is generally unrecognizable because very few couples want to think in terms of what they "must" have or what their partner "must" be like in order for the relationship to be "good". I actually had a young man tell me about his girlfriend's new job and how she "has great insurance now" as he smiled and winked at me. What did that mean? Well...considering I know this young man quite well, it meant that her insurance was a good thing if they ever got married as he had none and would probably never get it on his own (another story for another time). Although it's sometimes hard to fathom the idea that people get together as couples while also considering "Well, she brings this to the party and she brings that..." or "He's great in the sack so that's enough for me!"...or "He'll love my four kids because he loves me!", believe me---it's happening all the time. Master/slave. Slave/master. Flip flop.
The third and most "ideal" relationship dynamic is one where the couple respects each other as equals---and functions accordingly. There is no more "master" or "slave" as in the case of the codependent trap lifestyle...and achieving authentic intimacy is an ongoing goal of the relationship. Although one may work full time and the other may not, in this type of relationship it is clearly understood that "this is o.k. and this is how we agree to function as a couple given that reality". Nobody arbitrarily "takes" or "gives" without considering their partner. Nobody sneaks or plots; everything is out in the open. And as part of this dynamic, there is continuous sharing (communication which allows for each person to comfortably identify and express their OWN feelings, needs, wants, and desires to the other in a timely manner...while ALSO accepting one another's "yes", "no", or "maybe later" responses when asked for something). Wow. What a concept eh? This practice is at the heart of developing and maintaining true emotional intimacy in the relationship. And as that part of it is the "cake"....sex is the icing. Don't forget that either. Between achieving emotional intimacy and physical intimacy on a regular basis, it sure makes for some happy and content couples. Kind of like two slaves (to each other) instead of two masters---or a master and a slave.
Parallel living, the Codependent Trap, and True Emotional Intimacy. Which relationship lifestyle is yours...and which do you aspire to? Who is the master? Who is the slave? Who are you?