Last time, I wrote about controlling givers. In the context of codependent relationships, I presented how controlling givers are addicted to their "need to be needed" by whomever they focus their giving towards. Controlling givers are also addicted to their need for the Acceptance, Approval, and Love of and from others. As such things get turned upside down when the "giver" wants and expects "the love" (and approval, and acceptance!) in return for his or her giving efforts...but finds it doesn't always happen like that. This is how codependent people (regardless if they are givers or takers) keep struggling with chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness and guilt that they just can't seem to shake.
Today's post is going to take a look at controlled takers. These are the folks who, in contrast to their controlling giver counterparts, are indeed controlled by forces much greater than themselves or those who "give" to them. Controlled takers also struggle with chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, and guilt---but for completely different reasons than the givers among us. Controlled takers, by their very nature, don't mind if they get Acceptance, Approval, and Love from the people in their lives. Unfortunately, controlled takers want something much more than that. Rather than being motivated purely by a need for AAL (as I am getting tired now of typing out Acceptance, Approval, and Love! LOL!)...controlled takers are MOST motivated by the following: (1) Power, (2) Pleasure, and (3) Avoidance of Responsibility. These are the forces that truly control and drive a controlled taker to think, feel, and behave the way he or she does: being and feeling powerful, pursuing and obtaining pleasure on demand, and avoiding responsibility at all costs...
Sounds pretty grim doesn't it? Well, it can be when controlled takers spin out of control by getting involved in illegal activities and/or substance abuse and/or whatever else that makes them feel powerful and pleasured "now"...and that they are willing to pursue at any personal or professional cost. Of course, when and if these types of "hard core" takers are caught...they will say and do ANYTHING to avoid responsibility for their inappropriate thoughts, words, and deeds. It's just not going to happen (coming clean that is!). Hard core controlled takers are the sociopaths among us without a doubt. Where they fall on the continnum of sociopathy depends on the person and what they are doing or have done to keep chasin' after that power, pleasure, and avoidance of responsibility throughout their lives...
Spiritually speaking, the forces behind controlled takers are simply understood. Pride is first a foremost. Whether a spoiled little prince or princess in childhood...or a survivor of horrific childhood abuse and neglect---it's still a coin toss how such a child will grow up when it comes to being pride-filled and arrogant vs. humble and grateful. These spiritual forces like pride, greed, lust, envy, and gluttony (just to name five of the seven deadliest!) represent a bondage that can entangle and ensnare someone so tightly that the person might as well be a robot when it comes to "This is what I do." "This is what I need." "This is what I must have now." It's a very sad and tragic way to function, especially as part of a relationship...but it is what it is.
I must add at this point that many individuals who have been repeatedly traumatized and develop post-traumatic stress disorder can end up easily morphing into controlled takers because of their ongoing need to NOT re-experience any of the images, dreams, thoughts, noises, smells, or tastes of what they once went through. One of the saddest and most common dynamics of this type of issue in action is when a returning war veteran begins to rage around the house because "It's too damn noisy in here! Everyone shut up now!" or "What is this garbage?" (As the roast is hurled against the wall..) Such an issue can also lead to a person never wanting to leave the house or having panic or anxiety attacks when "out" in the world. PTSD is a different topic for a different time, but its link to controlled taking can be very strong when PTSDers are both being controlled by the trauma(s) of their past and yet at the same time trying to control everything around them in their present moment.
As is true for both controlling givers and controlled takers....nobody is able to view people, situations, or circumstances very objectively. In other words, the mind has become prejudiced against the facts associated with any given person or topic. Remember the saying, "Don't confuse me with the facts; my mind is already made up!" That's what I'm talking about here. The "facts" of anything don't matter when a codependent and controlling giver or a codependent and controlled taker are thinkin' up whatever they are think' up (in their own minds). People suddenly become much better than they actually and truly are....or at the other end are maligned and slandered just because it's time to throw whomever under the bus today.
Probably the most twisted version of this that I have seen is the man who believes, deep down in the very core of his being, that all women (and I do mean ALL women!) are prostitutes chasin' down the almighty dollar at every turn. Now how is this thinking going to work out well when a man like this gets married, has a daughter, and still hasn't even recognized how or why he treats his wife and daughter "bad"!? It's mind numbing at many levels and certainly very difficult to break through without a competent behavioral professional involved...but it is possible! That's the good news. Yet, as you can see, this "lack of objectivity" in thinking with controlled takers (and controlling givers) is what allows people to truly believe their own b.s. and never question it. Which is a sad sad state of affairs when left unchecked and unchanged.
Controlled takers do not make for healthy, safe, and mutually-satisfying personal relationships. If you believe you have a problem with controlled taking, help is just a phone call away. (248) 561-8660.
Today's post is going to take a look at controlled takers. These are the folks who, in contrast to their controlling giver counterparts, are indeed controlled by forces much greater than themselves or those who "give" to them. Controlled takers also struggle with chronic feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness, and guilt---but for completely different reasons than the givers among us. Controlled takers, by their very nature, don't mind if they get Acceptance, Approval, and Love from the people in their lives. Unfortunately, controlled takers want something much more than that. Rather than being motivated purely by a need for AAL (as I am getting tired now of typing out Acceptance, Approval, and Love! LOL!)...controlled takers are MOST motivated by the following: (1) Power, (2) Pleasure, and (3) Avoidance of Responsibility. These are the forces that truly control and drive a controlled taker to think, feel, and behave the way he or she does: being and feeling powerful, pursuing and obtaining pleasure on demand, and avoiding responsibility at all costs...
Sounds pretty grim doesn't it? Well, it can be when controlled takers spin out of control by getting involved in illegal activities and/or substance abuse and/or whatever else that makes them feel powerful and pleasured "now"...and that they are willing to pursue at any personal or professional cost. Of course, when and if these types of "hard core" takers are caught...they will say and do ANYTHING to avoid responsibility for their inappropriate thoughts, words, and deeds. It's just not going to happen (coming clean that is!). Hard core controlled takers are the sociopaths among us without a doubt. Where they fall on the continnum of sociopathy depends on the person and what they are doing or have done to keep chasin' after that power, pleasure, and avoidance of responsibility throughout their lives...
Spiritually speaking, the forces behind controlled takers are simply understood. Pride is first a foremost. Whether a spoiled little prince or princess in childhood...or a survivor of horrific childhood abuse and neglect---it's still a coin toss how such a child will grow up when it comes to being pride-filled and arrogant vs. humble and grateful. These spiritual forces like pride, greed, lust, envy, and gluttony (just to name five of the seven deadliest!) represent a bondage that can entangle and ensnare someone so tightly that the person might as well be a robot when it comes to "This is what I do." "This is what I need." "This is what I must have now." It's a very sad and tragic way to function, especially as part of a relationship...but it is what it is.
I must add at this point that many individuals who have been repeatedly traumatized and develop post-traumatic stress disorder can end up easily morphing into controlled takers because of their ongoing need to NOT re-experience any of the images, dreams, thoughts, noises, smells, or tastes of what they once went through. One of the saddest and most common dynamics of this type of issue in action is when a returning war veteran begins to rage around the house because "It's too damn noisy in here! Everyone shut up now!" or "What is this garbage?" (As the roast is hurled against the wall..) Such an issue can also lead to a person never wanting to leave the house or having panic or anxiety attacks when "out" in the world. PTSD is a different topic for a different time, but its link to controlled taking can be very strong when PTSDers are both being controlled by the trauma(s) of their past and yet at the same time trying to control everything around them in their present moment.
As is true for both controlling givers and controlled takers....nobody is able to view people, situations, or circumstances very objectively. In other words, the mind has become prejudiced against the facts associated with any given person or topic. Remember the saying, "Don't confuse me with the facts; my mind is already made up!" That's what I'm talking about here. The "facts" of anything don't matter when a codependent and controlling giver or a codependent and controlled taker are thinkin' up whatever they are think' up (in their own minds). People suddenly become much better than they actually and truly are....or at the other end are maligned and slandered just because it's time to throw whomever under the bus today.
Probably the most twisted version of this that I have seen is the man who believes, deep down in the very core of his being, that all women (and I do mean ALL women!) are prostitutes chasin' down the almighty dollar at every turn. Now how is this thinking going to work out well when a man like this gets married, has a daughter, and still hasn't even recognized how or why he treats his wife and daughter "bad"!? It's mind numbing at many levels and certainly very difficult to break through without a competent behavioral professional involved...but it is possible! That's the good news. Yet, as you can see, this "lack of objectivity" in thinking with controlled takers (and controlling givers) is what allows people to truly believe their own b.s. and never question it. Which is a sad sad state of affairs when left unchecked and unchanged.
Controlled takers do not make for healthy, safe, and mutually-satisfying personal relationships. If you believe you have a problem with controlled taking, help is just a phone call away. (248) 561-8660.