Saturday, December 27, 2014

The Practice of Being Fully Present...

Lately, I have had a number of clients who have spoken to me about the problem of mentally drifting back to the past and/or experiencing anxiety about the future.  In case you didn't already know this, one's ability to live and function fully in the present is the greatest indicator of a person' general mental health and well being.   This is why when we administer mini cog exams to clients we ask questions like "Who is the president of the United States?" "What year is this?" and "Where are you now?"  Without being present or having the consistent ability to function in the present moment, a person can find themselves believing in and speaking about things that have no basis in the "right now" of present day reality.  How that translates into actual real life situations varies;  we all know somebody who had every intention of getting and being married with children "by now", but hasn't yet 30-odd years later.  Or the person who never left his or her parents' house after graduation from high school...and here we are 40-odd years later.  It's amazing how time can stand still when we allow it to.  The good news is that it is never too late to practice new good habits.  As long as we have breath, we can "do" something to get unstuck from a past or future that has nothing to do with the "right now" of everyday real life.

When we don't cultivate the new good habit of being and living in our own present moments, we end up falling back to a "remember when" and/or "what if?..." kind of lifestyle.

Anyone who has been stalked knows what I am talking about here.  You meet someone, you may date for a time, and then when you believe everyone's clear about going their separate ways, there he or she is.  As in being where you are when you don't want or expect it.  I have been stalked;  it is probably one of the most frightening experiences a person can go through when one's stalker is "stuck" in your shared past that he or she can't let go of.  A twist on this same theme is the man or woman who may still be a "friend" to you now...but often refers to you privately or publicly as "the one that got away".  This is not respectful;  this is being stuck in the past.  There are other ways to get and be stuck in the past;  have you ever walked into an antique mall on a busy Saturday afternoon?  Just as there are "regulars" in bars all across this country...there are "regulars" who like to wax nostalgic about "the good old days" and literally create environments so they can live in them too.  Again, it is one thing to appreciate what once was, but it is another to eat, breathe, live, and sleep there "now"...

All of this just mentioned is, unfortunately, easy to do when living in the present is perceived as being too difficult or too overwhelming.  We all know lots of people who would rather (insert their favorite pattern of behavior here) than be appropriately responsible in facing what they must face and making the appropriate positive changes that go along with it.  There is a saying:  "Everything that we face doesn't necessarily change;  but everything that changes has always been faced."

There are always hurdles which prevent us from being fully present.  One of those hurdles can be our own obsessive fears about "what if".  This "what if" thinking places our minds in a reality that doesn't even yet exist!  I am NOT talking about proper planning for the future here.  That would be an appropriate act of logic and reason conciding with the adage "Plan your work and then work your plan."  No, here I am talking about those who allow their "what if" thinking to rule and ruin their lives based on their own irrational fears about things that are based on mere catastrophic fantasies!

When worry and anxiety become so comfortably familiar to us that we no longer believe a "cure" is possible in regard to our own catastrophic fantasy-based thinking...we are in deep doo doo.  At this point, the present is perceived as "same garbage, different day" which is an extremely sad and hopeless-fueled way to feel AND to live!

Another form of "what if" thinking that gets us stuck in a future that hasn't yet occurred are all those things we fantasize about which we want...or that we say we are are going to do...or that we will say to so-and-so one day...or that we will receive as a result of whatever it is we are fantasizing about! All this "I'm gonna...one day!" thinking leads to a whole lot of disappointment, anger, resentment, and ultimately bitterness when that ship not only keeps passing you by---but never came in for you in the first place!  I am reminded of the adult son and his mother who have been talking about "Betty" their elderly client (they work for her as caregivers) who told them they'll receive "everything" once she dies as she has no family to inherit her estate.  As such, Sante and Kenny (oops, wrong mother/son duo) are planning for their future based on what Betty said to them once and many months ago.  If poor Betty actually dies and there is no million dollars hidden in the mattess, that was a whole lot of fantasizing that just went down the drain for naught.

I spoke with a young person the other night who aspires to be a great singer one day.  However, this kid hasn't yet taken one vocal lesson, does not know how to read music, and pretty much believes he can just audition for "The Voice" or "American Idol" and win.  That's "what if" thinking with a favorable fantasy-based twist attached.  Without doing the work to develop his vocal abilities on a daily basis...without ultimately learning the basics of music notation and theory...forget it!  I heard him sing;  he's got a pleasant enough voice...but so do 10,000,000 other young men his age.  Without doing the work to back up that check, that check just won't get cashed in the way he hopes it will...

As the old saying goes, when you have one foot in the past and the other foot in the future, you end up dumping on the present.  Well, just imagine when both feet are in the past or both feet are in the future?  Then there is NO present to even acknowledge!

Staring back at the past or hyperfocusing on the future can also represent an exercise in depression.  People who spin out reflecting on past regrets, mistakes, dreams not yet realized, blah blah blah...not a good idea.  All that reflecting backwards or forwards does nothing to teach the lessons that we each need to learn.  Remember always, real life issues, problems, and opportunities can only be solved, resolved, dissolved, or acted upon now and in a timely manner.  Whatever lessons we can use from our past or present lives may help in more effectively managing whatever it is going on "now".  But without the lessons attached, everything we face won't necessarily change because all we did was face for a moment---and then go back to our old habits:  the "remember when" and "what if?..." lifestyle.

Until next time....