No Roots vs. Your Roots....

One of the most popular songs right now is sung by Alice Merton...and is entitled "No Roots".  If you haven't heard it before, you may want to give it a listen before you read any further....

Funny about roots.  I was just thinking about this song as I was cleaning out my flower beds this weekend.  Talk about "no roots" as being a major goal of mine!  As anyone who enjoys gardening will tell you, it is the roots attached to unwanted weeds that are the most frustrating to get rid of.  At one point, I yanked the living crap up and out of one "thing" (whatever it was!) that I swear was over three feet long!  I also thought about the Bible verses which talked about our spiritual condition as same related to seeds that are planted and the extent to which they can or cannot survive over time (Matthew 13 in case you're interested in reading about the Parable of the Sower..).

This roots thing is a pretty big issue---and always has been.  To have them...or not to have them....and what it means in the bigger scheme of our lives and the quality of our close relationships.  Is it better to adopt the "No Roots" philosophy Merton sings about?  Or is it worth establishing and at least attempting to maintain roots---no matter how shallow they may feel or literally be at times?

Currently, we all live in an age where anybody can basically pick up and go to wherever they want to live---and to work.  Whether their destination ends up being across town or across the country, we all have the ability to start over/start new/start afresh if we choose to.  When I was kicked out of my parents' house at age 18, thankfully I had somewhere to go and moved to another town.  Because I had never lived outside of my hometown, it felt like a different state moving just under 20 miles away.  And it was good for me.  It was good for me because I didn't have to think about running into anybody I knew (from my old neighborhood) when I was out and about.  I didn't have to talk about how my family of origin was to anybody if I didn't want to.  I could just do me (as these kids call it today) and that was fine by me.

In that sense, I had no more roots to concern myself with regarding "family".  Yet, there was something inside me that knew I still needed one (a "family" that is!).  If you haven't ever seen the documentary "Paris is Burning";  time to check it out.  Everybody yearns for their own "family"...even when the one we were born into throws us under the bus and then runs over our heads.  Hey, this isn't news.  Happens all the time.  Happened to #MeToo.  Of course, in cultivating the "House of Mary D", I wasn't interested in being anybody's Mom or Matriarch.  I just wanted to be safely loved...and free to safely love in return.  In that sense, I knew the roots I needed to re-establish were an important part of me feeling halfway decent about being here---about being my authentic self---and about finding/discovering my longer-term purpose over time.

For those who truly live the "No Roots" lifestyle....the quality of our lives gets reduced down to making the most of a bad situation.  We were not created to live in isolation and truly trust no one.  And I am not including here the person who decides to take a year off from life and just "do" themselves wherever that may mean and in the company of whomever they come across.  Everyone loves a good adventure;  I understand that.  In the end, however, we all need to pick our right now and real life "life" so we can establish our roots, nurture them, allow them to grow, and allow ourselves to blossom as a result.

No roots may sound appealing when we are unsure as to who we are exactly or what it is we should be doing with our life over the longer term.  Yet it is no way to live when suddenly we wake up one day and realize the opportunities we once thought would never end...have definitely ended.

Roots can be a bad thing when they represent the weeds that choke, kill, and destroy us from the inside out.  Those kind always need to be yanked and discarded.  However, for those roots that are truly "good"....we need to do our work to keep them alive and thriving...

Until next post....

Relationship Junk: Grudges, Grief, and Guilt! Part II

Last post, I presented how the deadly triad of grudges, grief, and guilt can take a person down the tubes when it comes to the quality of their important relationships.  Regardless if we are throwing our junk out there at other people we claim to love and care about---versus dodging the same junk that others are hurling at us---the outcomes are still the same.  We don't like what is happening, it makes us feel icky, and we don't know how to stop it from happening in the future...

Briefly, our grudges keep us traumatically bonded to those who have hurt us.  This isn't good.  Instead of appropriately confronting what happened and when (you'd be amazed how many people never even "think" to consider this!) be it to a professional therapist and/or the other person(s) directly involved....we do all sorts of things to continually throw ourselves under the bus.  Without doing the work of releasing ourselves from our past and present grudges, we fundamentally change the ways in which we think, feel, and behave...and not in a good way.  We keep re-enacting old scripts tied to our past relationships with the subconscious idea of "fixing" now what we couldn't fix then.  We lose our ability to pay attention to right now and real life reality.  Everything and everybody is seen through the lenses of what they are going to say or do to mess things up...for us.

When we have not been able to fully accept what it is that we have lost, we become stuck in our grief.  Being stuck in one's own grief over lost hopes, lost dreams, and lost opportunities ultimately leads to a lost life.  Instead of being our best and doing our best in order to make the best of our present circumstances....we don't.  We lead, if you will, about 1/2 a life.  Not a good plan.  Our grief serves as a very heavy cloak that we just can't shake off no matter how hard we believe we are trying.  In this way, our grief prevents us from being more free live in hope and anticipation about our present...and future decisions about basically everything.

Relative to guilt, specifically toxic guilt, we place ourselves in the position of our own judge, jury, and executioner over...?!?!??! from our past.  Nobody will ever be able to fully love us because we are such an (insert derogatory self-perception here) and always will be.  And if anybody dares to fully love us, then they must also be a (insert derogatory other-perception here) because they choose to be with us.  Huh?!?!  Yep, happens all the time I am sorry to report.  I am a loser, then you must be a loser too if  you stick around me for too long.  Wow.  Toxic guilt has no place in anybody's relationships...let alone the ones that matter.

So how do we unload this baggage from our past?  Where do we even begin?

Forgiveness is one such issue that needs to be addressed as part of our healing journey.  Probably the best website I have found is www.theforgivenessproject.com which has no religious or political affiliation...but serves to share stories to cultivate hope, empathy, and understanding.  Without the ability to forgive, we cannot change our thinking about ourselves....about others...and about the world in which we live.  There is no real hope without real forgiveness.  Learning about the power of forgiveness represents a key in unshackling ourselves from our own complicated past...and in a powerful way.

Another area of examination has to do with the extent to which we focus on what others think.  Whether we want to look at this issue more deeply or not, the facts still stick around forever...unlike our feelings.  When we are SO concerned with what other people think, we will reduce ourselves down to whatever WE ourselves think about how to gain the acceptance, approval, and love of "others" on a consistent basis.  This puts us right in the middle of our own dumpster fire as we lead lives that puts us in the role of the consummate codependent "giver" to anyone and everyone we come to care about.  In this way, we make one or more people our "g" word (god!) when we are wanting their love, wanting their approval, and wanting their acceptance.  This motivation for doing what we do for others is not good.  Why?  Because when we expect and want them to do the same in kind for us---it doesn't always happen that way.  We are ignored....we are dismissed...we are told we are too clingy or demanding....and the proverbial sh** hits the fan.  As such, we have to look at the extent to which we have made other people the boss of us...or ourselves the boss of others!

Third, we must stop the very bad habit of drifting mentally away from the here and now (present) to our own anxiety-fueled catastrophic fictional futures....or our depressing and/or nostalgia-driven pasts.  I just finished reading an Anita Shreve book this morning;  she died about a month ago and was a very popular author of several well-known fictional books.  The book I read was "Where or When".  Man, if there ever was a book NOT to read if you struggle with this particular issue of mental drifting...this is it!  Basically, two people who met 31 years ago as 14 year olds at summer camp...and how they blew up their respective families as a result of meeting "now".  The book consists primarily of their fantasy-based renditions of their shared past (one week at summer camp!) mixed in with their fantasy-based fictional hopes for their shared future (not happening, but don't let me spoil the story for you!).  This drifting stuff is not good.  It keeps us from dealing with and doing our best work in the here and now---because we are off somewhere else in our own heads!

Lastly, we need to learn how to take better care of ourselves, in the here and now, and in a way that represents us being kinder---and gentler---to ourselves.  I recently lost 100 lbs.  Did it over the course of the past 11 months.  Do you think I wasn't hungry during those 11 months?  I was.  Do you think I didn't want at times to eat the world of Hagen Das when I felt HALTSS?  (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad, and/or sick...)  Of course I was and did.  BUT---I also practiced being kinder and gentler to myself as part of every decision-making process involved in the course of each day.  You know, those 24 hours I was given to do the right thing for myself---or not.  We can all cultivate this practice even when we would rather fall into our own trap(s) of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong manner and involving the wrong person(s).  When we can learn to STOP and RELAX and then THINK before we ACT...life does get better---and definitely easier.  We let go of all the baggage and garbage compiled from the above-mentioned areas of discussion....and can move forward.  As in a good way move forward.

So....let's do our work.  Let's learn to let go of all our relationship junk and become more of who we already know we were designed to be.

I often suggest clients watch an episode of "Iyanla Fix My Life" (OWN network...on air every Saturday and reruns throughout the following week) to observe how this process works.  Doing your own healing work won't kill you, but not doing it definitely may...

Until next post....

Relationship Junk: Grudges, Grief, and Guilt!

Everyone remembers the highlights of their important relationships.  Unfortunately, we just as readily remember the significant lowlights too.  If the unresolved junk from our past and present relationships could be contained within literal suitcases, we'd all have kept way too many of them just saying.  Today's blog post is about that unresolved relationship-related junk we continue to drag around like old baggage in our lives.  Understanding where it came from is, of course, extremely important---but so is understanding how to get rid of it once and for all.

Grudges no doubt represent one area of our thinking worth examining closely.  Who are you still mad at and over what all these months, years, and/or decades later?  If I had a nickel for every time I have seen a client with an age-old grudge against someone they once loved and cared about---I could have retired ten years ago. 

Past and present grudges give us permission to remain traumatically linked to a person, or those people, who we believe (be it real or imagined) have profoundly hurt us.  Holding grudges gives me, as the grudge holder, permission to think, feel, and behave "badly" towards you whenever I like.  How this plays out in one's present relationships is when we feel "?!?!?!?!!" when we are harshly judged or falsely accused of something by the grudge holder(s) in our lives.  Or, conversely, when we realize we may have attacked someone in some way for reasons we don't fully comprehend.  Regardless of whether we are targeted by or instigate these grudge-inspired behaviors---the outcomes are still the same:  we feel icky and don't know why.

This just happened to me recently.  I was at an event, and someone at the table randomly started telling me what I did months ago at another event we were both at.  As she spoke, I knew that her so-called "recollection of events" was bogus.  It would be akin to saying "Remember the time we were at such-and-such and you stole Bon Jovi away from me?"  Like that kind of off the wall skewed.  This person was so off the train track of reality about what she accused me of and judged me about---I couldn't help but just get up to hug her and thank her for her care and concern.  In other words, I love bombed her in spite of her original motivation(s)---whatever they were.  Grant it, this person I am speaking of is someone I am "stuck" having to interact with on an infrequent-but-frequent-enough basis;  however, I am no dummy either.  If I can avoid the interactions...I do.  And life goes on just fine for me....anyway.

With all this grudge keeping going on, can you understand how difficult it would be for seasoned grudge holders to let go and move on in spite of the people who trigger them?  I mean, even if  we were face to face with a serial killer....as adults we can still walk away and refuse to engage correct?  Nobody is holding anybody by the short hairs and "making" them be in a relationship with someone who is more harmful than helpful.  Except for those who "like it like that";  another topic for another blog post....

Next, grief.  Grief isn't just about literally losing a loved one to death.  Unresolved grief can do with anything we were significantly disappointed about from our past.  Being forced to live with grandma after mom and dad's divorce.  Not being able to afford college in spite of our good grades in high school.  Gaining 75 lbs. and it sticking around for years.  Developing a wicked meth habit and not understanding how we got there...or how to get out.  There are so many things that cause us to feel deep grief.  Grant it, I have seen the clients also who grieve over not having received a Corvette at age 16 like their older sibling did.  Or being so angry that, as an adult, they are not as "famous" as they thought they would or should be by this age.  Hey, I can't make this stuff up.  People grieve and stay stuck in their grief for ALL sorts of reasons---not just the ones that make sense to most.

When we are stuck in our grief, we change.  We learn how to lose hope about our present---and our future.  We learn to live in despair.  We learn to give up....or we learn how to stay angry, stay resentful, and stay bitter.  Either option of course, not a good choice.

Lastly, guilt.  What does guilt have to do with relationship junk?  Plenty.  When we believe ourselves to be no good...not worthy...incapable of forgiveness or being forgiven....of just being more "bad" than good...we got a major problem.  All of that leads us to living fake lives and putting out fake personas to the world around us.  Instead of just being who we authentically are...and with anyone we come in contact with...we run a game.  We act one way with one person or group...and then act some other kind of way with another person or group.  As I just said, we run a game.  Our hearts harden, we lose our compassion, and we lack empathy.  We become more like roaming coyotes looking for who and what will give us most of what we want when we want it.  Again, not a good choice nor a good way to live.

Next time, how to climb up out of the pit we have created with our excess baggage of grudges, grief, and guilt by facing these demons and doing our own work of healing, positive change, and growth...

The Tyranny of Being Harshly Judged and Falsely Accused....

When I work with clients, they often marvel at the four main reasons why we (meaning all of us who are human!) get angry when we do.   Here's the short list:  (1) we are true victims of true injustice, (2) we are not getting what we want when we want it,  (3) we are being harshly judged and, (4) we are being falsely accused.  Yep, that's it folks.  All the reasons why any of us get angry with ourselves...with each other...and with the world within which we reside....

For today's blog post, I would like to address the issues of being harshly judged and falsely accused and exactly what that means and looks like---because it isn't always so obvious as it seems.

Before I do that though, a quick primer on the descending hierarchy of how our relationships (with anybody!) can go from good enough---to bye bye never want to lay eyes on you again:

EXPECTATIONS
DISAPPOINTMENT
ANGER
RESENTMENT
BITTERNESS
LATER!  (BYE BYE FOR GOOD!)

That's it.  Pretty simple eh?  We expect what we do...we don't see it happen...we get and feel disappointed.  When we fail to adjust our own expectations and/or work through the issues that disappoint us repeatedly....this is when anger kicks in.  Left unresolved, the anger we feel hardens and morphs from being angry about the "problem"...to becoming angry about "the person".  Even though many of us feel we have attempted to negotiate and compromise our way through the "issue" or problem at hand....many of us have not.  We have merely talked "at" each other about what we want and expect from that other person. 

Which is how, over time, we become resentful (towards the other person we are in a relationship with).  After so long, our resentment hardens like chunks of rock.  We find ourselves feeling like that other person says or does whatever on purpose.  Just to upset us.  Just to yank our chain.  Just to demonstrate how long they are willing to hold out in order to get their way...or to maintain control (over us).  It is at this point we have become embittered.  There is very little (if anything!) that the other person can say or do that will change our minds about him or her.  We are done.  We want out.  We are finished.  And this, dear readers, is how a person goes from starting out a relationship with expectations for themselves and the other person....and ending up in the proverbial ditch...

So....back to anger and the reasons why we get angry.  In the context of what I just presented here, when we are being truly victimized, not getting what we want, harshly  judged and/or falsely accused---THERE IS NO DOUBT we are DISAPPOINTED by what we just experienced.  Of course we are!  Who wants to have to face that a person they love and care about could throw you or me under the bus like that?  Nobody!

Yet when the problem or issue is not being actively worked through in order to get SOLVED, RESOLVED, or DISSOLVED---all that will happen is that the same issue, the same problem, and the same drama will pop up again (and again and again!) like a bad case of GERD.

The tyranny of being harshly judged and falsely accused revolves around a person's character more than it does a person's behavior.  Does that surprise you?  It shouldn't.  When we are harshly judged and falsely accused, we need to consider the source of that judgment and accusation.  As someone very wise once put it, "There are artists and con artists;  I know who I am.  Do you?"  No, not always.

I have often shared the story in therapy of the business owner I knew as a  young 20-something who had a sign behind his counter that read "These premises monitored 3 nights a week by a .357 magnum;  you guess which 3 nights."  At the time, when I asked why he had that sign up there...he laughed and said "Everyone in business is a crook Mary;  don't ever forget that."  Yeah o.k.  And...?  I knew I wasn't a crook and I had my own business at the time.  But who was I to argue with a 52 year old man who had a .357 magnum monitoring his store 3 nights a week?  (LOL!)  See what I mean?  I knew who I was at that time.  He did not.  As in he did not know who I truly was---but assumed he did.

I am reminded of so many young couples where, when they meet...everything is the berries.  "He's so wonderful;  he took me to California on a fabulous trip..."  "She's amazing;  she takes care of my son like he's her own and we've only been together six months..." blah blah blah.  A whole lot of looking good and acting nice without any real consideration for WHO ARE YOU REALLY?!

And then at some point reality hits.  All that impressing and being impressed stuff goes down the tubes because both parties...in truth...were not being completely honest with themselves, or each other, about "who" they exactly were or are in terms of their character.  I've seen it hundreds of times folks;  you cannot lie about your bank account...or your job...or your future plans concerning where to live...or your desire or lack of desire to have kids....(whatever!) and not expect it to come back at some point and bite you right square in the middle of your life.

Harsh judgment and false accusation is borne out of a flawed character that screams "You aren't any better than me!"  In spite of all the evidence to the contrary.  You can behave all sorts of ways that attempt to send the message that you are honest....hard working....caring....considerate...willing to negotiate and compromise....and all the rest.  But if you are, in your core, a person who just wants what you want when you want it---and are willing to go to whatever lengths to get it---then you will end up in the soup.  Alone, embittered, and assuming the worst about others...

Until next time...