Remember when you were a kid and used to play pretend? I do. In third grade I made up a game at recess which involved me becoming "the monster" while a group of us were innocently playing in our make-believe woods on the playground's blacktop. Once my "monster" self appeared, I would run and try to capture those around me. I got so wrapped up in becoming my pretend "monster" that coming back into class one day after recess, someone anonymously wrote "Monster Mary" on my crayon box. I wasn't offended so much as flattered. Being a "monster" every day at recess was one trance I liked living whenever I got the chance...
As we grow up, however, the trances we live aren't so clear-cut as choosing to become a monster during afternoon recess. Instead, we very often don't even know what we are doing until we want "out" and are done playing the trance we are living once and for all. I have seen this far too often in psychotherapy; a couple are in the midst of a separation and/or divorce...and it comes out somewhere along the way that one or the other spouse felt "forced" to be someone he or she was not in the context of the marriage. "I never wanted to work; he MADE me work because we'd be out on the street otherwise..." "She never had enough; it was like I had to smell good, look good, play nice, never contradict her in public..." "He was SO mean to me behind closed doors but as soon as someone showed up, he became Mr. Wonderful.." This is is the stuff of the trances we live.
Probably the most difficult (and yet so obvious!) trance to recognize is the one where one or the other spouse got married to obtain a parent rather than a partner for life. I have seen this trance lived out in all kinds of ways. The wife who cannot seem to emotionally manage even the most insignificant stressor ("The baby IS CRYING...go shut him up NOW!")or the husband who never seems to find "the right job" because (fill in the blank there yourself folks!)... Here's a clue; if your spouse behaves like "party time" (or any other form of "free time") is the thing he or she is truly living for and/or focused on day in and day out---chances are pretty great you have a kid trapped in an adult's body as a spouse. Period.
In reality, it's the the trances we live that become front and center in these dysfunctional marital relationships more so than anything else. Getting married does NOT mean getting the "Get out of Responsibility Free" card for life. Yet these are the same people that when they become tired of "putting up with his/her b.s. 24/7" (aka functioning themselves as a responsible adult)...they want out.
Funny how that works. So a person chooses to get married to find a good mommy or daddy substitute rather than an equal partner---then does whatever to either "play" responsible adult for a while (or not at all if they are stuck in the teenage rebel mode)---and then when they've had enough of their self-induced trance state because it isn't working to get them what they "really" want, they blame their partner for it! Yeah o.k. That'll work. NOT!
The trances we live can really do a number not only on our own inability to heal, change, and grow in a positive way...but on the unfortunate victims in all this mayhem---our children. So think about snapping out of your trance and facing the truth about who you are and why you do (or don't do!) what you do when you do it. Trances aren't meant to be coping mechanisms. Trances belong with games of pretend which is exactly what they are...games of pretend.
Happy weekend!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Love Them or Leave Them....
Within the past six months, several good friends have decided to separate after a combined 100+ years of marital history with their respective spouses. Today, I want to address what to do when you begin asking yourself the age-old question, "Is this the time to love or leave my partner?"
Marriage is work. Nobody gets to live out the fantasy of saying "I do" and then lead a life of harmonious bliss with their spouse for the next 10, 20, or 50 years. Why? Because as Whoopie Goldberg put it so well, "When you live with anyone other than yourself, it's all ****** up."
No two people are alike. Not even identical twins. If you can't learn to accept "what is" (as in what is TRUE) about your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse....it's only a matter of time before it'll come back to bite you in the behind in a major way. For example, how many times have I heard that "my drinking isn't out of control; I can stop anytime I want.." from a husband or wife in therapy. Well, then why haven't you stopped when you have already heard 10,000 times how much it bothers your spouse AND children when you drink, get drunk, puke, pass out, and/or say something completely inappropriate and/or stupid in front of your friends and/or family?! See what I mean? People don't change what they do not choose to change to begin with! Your "love" and "support" as the sober spouse is NOT going to "make" them change! Neither is your moaning, groaning, crying, yelling, screaming, or threatening. As a matter of fact, re-read this paragraph and insert every "issue" which applies to your spouse other than drinking. Serial infidelity...gambling....drug use....sketchy work history and/or practices...financial irresponsibility....undiagnosed and untreated mental illness....you name it. You do NOT have the power to "change" anybody else---you can only change YOU. Got that? Hang onto it because it's the foundational truth for all else which follows from this point on....
Many people say "I do" to one another when they do because they want to focus on the few good things about their partner and/or their relationship together that they really really like. "He's handsome! He adores me! He's got a great job!" Fantastic. And when you see how he's also a bobblehead when any woman under 50 walks past you two when you're out publicly....that didn't ring any bells and whistles for you honey? Or when he asked to borrow $10,000 from you because he was having a little "financial hiccup" but wouldn't share the exact nature of what was going on to require that $10,000 loan? Or what about the time when he just showed up to your place "mad" and then proceeded to abuse you verbally because no matter what you said or did...it was an irritation to him and a license to keep treating you like garbage? See what I mean? We have to wake up to reality folks. When we can't even let ourselves see reality when it comes up in the context of our important "love" relationship...how is that going to make for a long-term success story? It won't. It just makes for a long-term one-sided working-like-a-dog-to-make-this-work-no-matter-how-I'm-being-treated kinda scenario. And this is a good thing? I think not!
I've also seen men and women who have decided that yes, they are willing to put up with A, B, C, and D because "he loves me so much" or "she's such a good person deep down". That's all fine and good...but what happens when your beloved who you put up with for however long starts REALLY behaving badly and openly and more frequently than ever before? Again, not a good thing! I actually heard of a man who blamed his wife for not being able to help him find a job long past his own buy-sell date (he was long past retirement age but still lusted after the power which goes along with "being the boss" at work...). Seriously? That particular example to me is like your spouse eating mashed potatoes every day for a week and then yelling at you for his colon feeling like a cement-filled lead pipe! Give me a break!
Often (and unfortunately), the tortured spouse in this type of relationship dynamic doesn't leave or decide to leave until "the big straw" event occurs and breaks the camel's back. Something was said or done in front of or to the children; someone calls and says, "Guess what? I'm pregnant and he's the father.."; the feds show up with an arrest warrant. etc. etc. etc. I think it's sad when a dysfunctional relationship has to get to this point in order for proper action to be taken (finally!)....but hey, we're all free in this country and we still can choose what we will or will not do---even to the bitter end.
Therapy can work wonders when couples find themselves in this tangled web of dysfunction and disappointment and live with a sense of nowhere else to turn. Even if your spouse "won't go"...you go. At the very least you will be able to work on your OWN stuff which in turn can help YOU to heal, change, and grow in a positive direction. And once you are stronger and more healed...you will find that what you put up with for so very long you may not be willing to put up with anymore...
Until we meet again...
Marriage is work. Nobody gets to live out the fantasy of saying "I do" and then lead a life of harmonious bliss with their spouse for the next 10, 20, or 50 years. Why? Because as Whoopie Goldberg put it so well, "When you live with anyone other than yourself, it's all ****** up."
No two people are alike. Not even identical twins. If you can't learn to accept "what is" (as in what is TRUE) about your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse....it's only a matter of time before it'll come back to bite you in the behind in a major way. For example, how many times have I heard that "my drinking isn't out of control; I can stop anytime I want.." from a husband or wife in therapy. Well, then why haven't you stopped when you have already heard 10,000 times how much it bothers your spouse AND children when you drink, get drunk, puke, pass out, and/or say something completely inappropriate and/or stupid in front of your friends and/or family?! See what I mean? People don't change what they do not choose to change to begin with! Your "love" and "support" as the sober spouse is NOT going to "make" them change! Neither is your moaning, groaning, crying, yelling, screaming, or threatening. As a matter of fact, re-read this paragraph and insert every "issue" which applies to your spouse other than drinking. Serial infidelity...gambling....drug use....sketchy work history and/or practices...financial irresponsibility....undiagnosed and untreated mental illness....you name it. You do NOT have the power to "change" anybody else---you can only change YOU. Got that? Hang onto it because it's the foundational truth for all else which follows from this point on....
Many people say "I do" to one another when they do because they want to focus on the few good things about their partner and/or their relationship together that they really really like. "He's handsome! He adores me! He's got a great job!" Fantastic. And when you see how he's also a bobblehead when any woman under 50 walks past you two when you're out publicly....that didn't ring any bells and whistles for you honey? Or when he asked to borrow $10,000 from you because he was having a little "financial hiccup" but wouldn't share the exact nature of what was going on to require that $10,000 loan? Or what about the time when he just showed up to your place "mad" and then proceeded to abuse you verbally because no matter what you said or did...it was an irritation to him and a license to keep treating you like garbage? See what I mean? We have to wake up to reality folks. When we can't even let ourselves see reality when it comes up in the context of our important "love" relationship...how is that going to make for a long-term success story? It won't. It just makes for a long-term one-sided working-like-a-dog-to-make-this-work-no-matter-how-I'm-being-treated kinda scenario. And this is a good thing? I think not!
I've also seen men and women who have decided that yes, they are willing to put up with A, B, C, and D because "he loves me so much" or "she's such a good person deep down". That's all fine and good...but what happens when your beloved who you put up with for however long starts REALLY behaving badly and openly and more frequently than ever before? Again, not a good thing! I actually heard of a man who blamed his wife for not being able to help him find a job long past his own buy-sell date (he was long past retirement age but still lusted after the power which goes along with "being the boss" at work...). Seriously? That particular example to me is like your spouse eating mashed potatoes every day for a week and then yelling at you for his colon feeling like a cement-filled lead pipe! Give me a break!
Often (and unfortunately), the tortured spouse in this type of relationship dynamic doesn't leave or decide to leave until "the big straw" event occurs and breaks the camel's back. Something was said or done in front of or to the children; someone calls and says, "Guess what? I'm pregnant and he's the father.."; the feds show up with an arrest warrant. etc. etc. etc. I think it's sad when a dysfunctional relationship has to get to this point in order for proper action to be taken (finally!)....but hey, we're all free in this country and we still can choose what we will or will not do---even to the bitter end.
Therapy can work wonders when couples find themselves in this tangled web of dysfunction and disappointment and live with a sense of nowhere else to turn. Even if your spouse "won't go"...you go. At the very least you will be able to work on your OWN stuff which in turn can help YOU to heal, change, and grow in a positive direction. And once you are stronger and more healed...you will find that what you put up with for so very long you may not be willing to put up with anymore...
Until we meet again...
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